a lil' of my past...

i went on a date with her. i guess it was fun, at least, that was how it's supposed to be. but, when we're crossing the roads together, suddenly a lorry went out of control. i was late to realize that. all i remember was being pushed away, and seeing her crushed by that lorry. i don't know why she saved me at that time. wasn't her own life more important? i can't help blaming myself. all the more because even after her parents knew what happened, they still is being nice with me. they say it's because i changed her from a very shy girl that can hardly smile to a very cheerful one. isn't that all the more reason to hate me? i mean, after she is finally happier, i made them lose their only child. why are they being nice to me? it feels as if my blame is much heavier seeing her parents...

[size=10]I understood most of what you were saying but I'm not completely sure I understand everything. Based on what I've read it seems you met a girl, a shy girl, who you would later end up together with (in a relationship). With time, the girl became more open and daring thanks to you. One day your life was in danger and she saved you, but loss her life in the process. Her parents appreciate the fact that you opened their daughter up and they seem to treat you kindly, even though their daughter died for you. And... you feel guilty. Is that it?
[/h]

something like that. and i guess i did a wrong word choice there. she's not really shy, she has autism, to be exact.

All I can say is that it wasn't your fault that the lorry went out of control. If you were in her shoes, I am quite sure you would have pushed her out of the way too.

yeah since you treated her nicely and cared for her and her parents saw that so thats why they arent mad at you but dont blame yourself cuz its her own choice that she wanted to save you so dont start blaming yourself she wouldnt be happy if you blame yourself

I sincerely am sorry for your lose...
I can somehow understand where you're coming at but what happened was an accident, there was nothing you could have done so you shouldn't punish yourself for that...

It must have been really painful to lose the one you love...right before your very eyes...unknowing and so sudden, but it happens, it's part of life...

I don't really know what else to say to you,... cherish your life and never forget that the life you have now is not just yours but hers as well...so don't let her sacrifice go to waste!... Become a MAN that she can be PROUD of...

[size=10]Alright, just wanted to be sure I understood the situation before giving any sort of advice. Here's what I suggest:

Try to relax, spend some time just thinking about it, meditating or anything along the lines. Just do something where you can relax and think about what happened or maybe even clear your mind. I suppose the best thing you could do is get your thoughts together. Try to realize that it's in the past and nothing that you do now could change it.

I'd probably feel somewhat guilty as well if I were you but it's not your fault. She did it because she loved you. And like Gambler said, you probably would have done the same for her. Mmm, I'm not really the best when it comes to giving advice but yeah, try not to let it keep you down and cause you to live a life filled with guilt. Instead, try to look at good things you have left. You're still alive, her parents don't seem to hate you and you have the ability to go on.

I think, if there's anything that could be done to help the parents, it would be to stay strong yourself. By staying strong you should be able to help them with dealing with the issue. Based on what you said, the parents seem to be fine but who knows. Maybe a little emotional support could be nice for them (every now and then).

But yeah, before worrying about others, try to help yourself. It's like "they" ask: If you can't help yourself, who can you help?

Don't let it keep ya down. I doubt the female who died for you would want to know that she gave her life and instead of allowing you to continue to live a decent life, you're living a miserable one.[/h]

I agree with what everyone has said and I express my sincere regret. (I read your topic post... then when I read your post my jaw dropped in shock.)

You have to understand that to a lot people, what makes life worth living is how we live it and how we conduct ourselves through life's tribulations and obstacles. To her parents, you opened up a world anew for her. You taught her love, and got love in return. You made her happy, and in return she made you happy. You overlooked her autism, and in return her parents are grateful for someone who could do that. Don't you understand, that by being in a meaningful relationship with her, her parents were relieved and grateful that someone could love their daughter? That their daughter had become cheerful because of you? That she broke out of her shell and became a more outgoing person? This is thanks to you, and only you, and regardless of her dying, her parents cannot fault you for anything, especially when it wasn't your fault. To many parents, they want their children to live happy lives, and if short, at least they were happy. Better that than a long and miserable life in my opinion.

Survivor's guilt is something never easy to deal with. Months ago, I got into a car accident my college, and I pretty spent the rest of the day in mild shock - I could've hurt her, I could've killed her, I could've been hurt, I could've been dead, we could've been dead, and so on. But that's life, and like the others said, take it, embrace it, and by embracing the truth of the reality, you can move on.

And to answer your question of why she saved you, I hate to give a corny answer, but when you're in love, people do anything. She saw the lorry coming, and maybe she thought that she could save you instead of herself. Maybe she thought that because of you, she wouldn't be this happy and enjoying her time as such. Maybe because she was autistic and didn't think she had the reflexes to save herself and you. Maybe she was being altruistic as humans tend to exhibit alongside with selfishness.

Maybe maybe maybe. In the end we won't know, and probably never know. But you know what? I don't think it matters anyways because it was her action that mattered, and that's why you are still living today to post here at FAKKU. You were given another chance at life born from someone's love, and so treasure it. It's the only thing you can do to repay her altruistic action, to live and move forward, sharing your kindness that you shared with her.

Goddamn, I sometimes feel like life altogether isn't fair at all.

i guess i know that there's nothing can i do about it. i just thought of something like "it'd be better if i...", avoiding the obvious fact that i can't take the word 'if' out of that line. and after some thought, i guess i'm the selfish one. i even want her to think that her life is more important, as if i'm ignoring that she loved me. yeah, it'll be a tough road ahead, but i guess i'll just demean the feelings she had when she saved me by living my life in regrets and self-deception.

that and you clear your head right now.
[size=10]though idk know her personally, if she had saved you, don't you think she wanted you to live? [/h]
So just live life. :3
[size=10]also, try to remember her once in awhile. [/h]