a poem i wrote

this is here cuz it was inspired by love, and it is to someone special

this is a poem i dedicate to my girlfriend and soon to be wife. its titled (i dont believe in titles, but here is what i would name it) "love of choice" it starts with these * things, and ends wit hthem to, just so yo ucan tel lwhen its over and begining.

*im happy, im sad
im in joy, im mad
you fill the hole in my heart, but was it counterfeit?
if it was, i feel it to be real

i feel you, though its not feasible
i cherish you, though i cant do that without someone feeling hurt
you love me, i love you
i swap things with you, you give me lots to

love is free, life is cheap, people are expensive, and dreams are priceless

you give me love, i give you shelter
you give me your few fruits, i give you a feast
you give me all you cant, i give you that plus more

you give me less than i give you
but thats all i want from you, is the small things you can give me
things like "i luv u babe" and "i miss you"
hearing these things slip from your lips, the words that dont mean anything to some, mean more than life itself to me

i cant take what cant be given, but just know, i love whatever i can get
i feel desperate, but i hear the rewards, and its you*

so what do you all think? this is a little something i wanted to share with you all, and merry christmas. and if you dont like it, then let me know.

honestly, I did have a hard time in figuring out if you're serious or not when you wrote this...I'll commend you though for having guts in posting it here.

A free verse style doesn't appeal to me much...no rhymes, no definite rule was used. I'm not a poet but I'd be able to tell a good poem when I see one.
Not to disrespect you or anything, some words you used also threw me off...
...
how can you relate counterfeit to the hole in your heart
what do you mean by "I feel you, though it's not feasible"?
(it can't be carried out; it's not possible)- for you to feel her..
"i cherish you, though i cant do that without someone feeling hurt" - lol
(what does that mean?! and instead of "feeling" you could have used being) is there a third-party?
"love is free, life is cheap, ~people are expensive, and dreams are priceless" ~ lol (you didn't have to weigh them all in cost range)
"you give me your few fruits, i give you a feast" - lol
"you give me all you cant, i give you that plus more"
(what or how can she give you all THAT SHE CAN'T?)
"i feel desperate, but i hear the rewards, and its you"
(what did you feel desperate about? what's with the rewards when you're only referring to a single person? and you could have dropped the hear because it's inappropriately used)

Maybe I was a bit overbearing, well, pardon me for that... that's just my opinion. Some people might actually like your poem... and in the beginning you said to be brutal, so there, was it brutal enough? I can be overly critical at times...and this is just one of those times.

BTW, shouldn't this be in the Writing (and Lemons) section?

~another thing... have your wife read it yet? did she like it? I mean, I think she would because you made it for her in the first place and it came from your heart. I didn't like your poem but at least you have my utmost respect as a man for LOVING your wife. 8)

Maybe I was a bit overbearing, well, pardon me for that... that's just my opinion. Some people might actually like your poem... and in the beginning you said to be brutal, so there, was it brutal enough? I can be overly critical at times...and this is just one of those times.

BTW, shouldn't this be in the Writing (and Lemons) section?[/quote]

well i did ask for brutal-ness, but what you see, is what you get. this is how i do poems, and i aint changin any of it. now if this was a love song, i would definitely take what you said, and make some tweaks. in this case, it was a poem, so im not changin anything. and yes, i was DEAD serious when i wrote this, every bit of it i meant. and yeah some of the stuff is questionable, but its just how i write. also i hate to say it, but things like dreams and life do have a price, even if its cheap, or free, or even expensive. in todays world, everything has a price, thus the half of the theme to my poem.

well, good luck on writing your next piece... hope you can post it again here...so we can have a good look at it. There's always a room for improvement. :D

Poetry, especially in free verse, doesn't really have to make a lot of sense. It's an emotional art form, man, placement and definition are relative within it. I don't really care if you berate him, but you seem to be doing it as though it was an essay that needed a more logical flow to explain something, when it doesn't have to be. Take music to be an example. There are plenty of great songs with lyrics that seem without logical progression or any sense at all.
Just saying.

I didn't like it all that much, though. I did like the line, "love is free, life is cheap, ~people are expensive, and dreams are priceless," a bit, but I feel like I've seen that sort of quantitative measurement of intangible things before. I just don't remember where.

@nzephier: When I read your poem, there are certain things that makes it sound like you're giving a lot to her and she isn't to you. If I was "your-wife-to-be", I'd find that insulting. But I do get the message that "love costs, but it doesn't matter if we love each other," but I feel like there's a sort of critical tone in the poem that shouldn't be there.

I share the same thoughts about the free verse style as hermitVI.

And yes, since we are critiquing a poem, this should belong to the Writing and Lemons section. In fact, I created a thread for the exact purpose of sharing and discussing of poems here: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=9942

wel lthe reason why i say that she gives me less than i give her, is because i would be doing the majority of the providing for the both of us. however i do not denounce her altogether, im jsut saying that as long as we have each other, then we dont need t oworry about things. and i realize there was a forum for poetry and stuff, bu this was a love poem, so i felt it fitted here. i have better material then this though, this was something that i put a little thought into, and normally my better stuff is not thought of, rather emotions surfacign in the form of ideas i have. then after all that stuff, i write my ideas, and they turn into more cooler stuff. based on what i have seen.

its fine..........

in other words, its crap

.....damn straight.......wait!?!.......do you mean the one i post??....

the poem by nzephier is crap

naruhodo.........i give you +rep for being damn straight!!!!....