dirty jokes =D
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STATE CAPITALS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
sHe proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy - 'W'."
A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
FLAT TIRE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, "Hell, We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."
ALIEN SEX
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?"
asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?"
exclaims the woman.
"Why?"
he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said.
"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
YO MAMA IS SO HAIRY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
GUESS WHERE YOU ARE FROM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 -
If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,
"Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow
dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're
right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the
same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches
as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish
and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar
bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.
The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of
him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
MEN ARE MADE UP OF USELESS THINGS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless
"things?"
* He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
* Two calves that will never become cows...
* A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
* A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
* Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
* A chest that won't hold linen...
* Two tits that won't give milk...
* Two buns that won't feed anyone...
* A belly button that won't button...
* Two balls that won't roll...
* An ass that won't pull a plow...
* An organ that won't play music...
* A cock that won't crow...
.....And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
ENCOURAGEMENT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
Paramedics laboured furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride.
"How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher.
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I want to have sex so bad I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
HELPING YOUR FATHER
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
EXPENSIVE FISHING TR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
CLUMSY WAITRESS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
"... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
REDNECK SEX ED
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.
"Pop," he drawled, "Ah'm jest not sure Ah know what t'do."
"It's simple," said his father.
"Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses."
Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.
KIDS EXPLAIN BIBLE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):
'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'
'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'
'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'
'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'
'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'
'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'
'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'
'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
†˜Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
†˜Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'
'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'
Bless their little hearts!
PUBERTY INSULT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say,
"Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"
RUBBED THE WRONG WAY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.
SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really desperate for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The conscumption of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
MOPEDS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one.
PEDESTRIANS AND CATHOLICS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
INSTRUMENT FLYING GUIDE FOR ANIMAL LOVERS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
NUDE BEACH
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
"How can you tell if there is a blind man on a nude beach?" a guy asked his friend.
"It ain't hard," he said with a shrug.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing, yisman and hottrouble1
SEX THE ALASKAN WAY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 13th August 2007
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?"
asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
sHe proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy - 'W'."
A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
FLAT TIRE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Sunday 19th August 2007
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, "Hell, We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."
ALIEN SEX
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?"
asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?"
exclaims the woman.
"Why?"
he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said.
"That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."
YO MAMA IS SO HAIRY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
GUESS WHERE YOU ARE FROM
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 -
If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask,
"Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow
dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're
right!" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the
same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches
as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of
straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish
and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar
bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.
The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas!"
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of
him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"
The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
MEN ARE MADE UP OF USELESS THINGS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Saturday 18th August 2007
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless
"things?"
* He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
* Two calves that will never become cows...
* A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
* A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
* Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
* A chest that won't hold linen...
* Two tits that won't give milk...
* Two buns that won't feed anyone...
* A belly button that won't button...
* Two balls that won't roll...
* An ass that won't pull a plow...
* An organ that won't play music...
* A cock that won't crow...
.....And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
ENCOURAGEMENT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
Paramedics laboured furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride.
"How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher.
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I want to have sex so bad I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
HELPING YOUR FATHER
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
EXPENSIVE FISHING TR
Category: Dirty Jokes
Friday 17th August 2007
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
CLUMSY WAITRESS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
"... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked.
The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!"
"That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
I HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
REDNECK SEX ED
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.
"Pop," he drawled, "Ah'm jest not sure Ah know what t'do."
"It's simple," said his father.
"Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses."
Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.
KIDS EXPLAIN BIBLE
Category: Dirty Jokes
Thursday 16th August 2007
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):
'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'
'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'
'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'
'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'
'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'
'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'
'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'
'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
†˜Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
†˜Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'
'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'
Bless their little hearts!
PUBERTY INSULT
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say,
"Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"
RUBBED THE WRONG WAY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.
SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Wednesday 15th August 2007
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really desperate for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The conscumption of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
MOPEDS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one.
PEDESTRIANS AND CATHOLICS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.
Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"
INSTRUMENT FLYING GUIDE FOR ANIMAL LOVERS
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
Source:
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
NUDE BEACH
Category: Dirty Jokes
Tuesday 14th August 2007
"How can you tell if there is a blind man on a nude beach?" a guy asked his friend.
"It ain't hard," he said with a shrug.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing, yisman and hottrouble1
SEX THE ALASKAN WAY
Category: Dirty Jokes
Monday 13th August 2007
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?"
asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."