Me and My Friend drew this. Tell us what you think!

Here's test page of our hentai project.
I just started to write it and we decided to try to draw the first page.
Tell us what you think and how we can edit it. :)

thanks! -WolfHunt Project

/Edit: Mycstea's advice pretty much demonstrated how inexperienced I am. Although I still have to say I like your drawing style. (Or maybe it's just the panties distracting me?)

Just the font seems a little bit out of place. Maybe try something more italic.

Personally i think that the composition of the page is too cramped up. There's too much activity going on on the page to actually guide the reader through the page. I can't decide to read from the top right to top left then to the bottom or the top right, bottom then top left. You'll have to work with this. You can guide the reader by some simple methods such as:

1) Erasing a little of the top left of the 1st panel
2) Make the photographs go in one smooth direction so that it actually twists in the direction you want the eyes to flow in.
3) Too much words cramped in the small thought boxes. Think of ways to spread it out or shorten them.

Other things to improve on are
1) Proportions. Limbs are reaaaaally long, if not head is really small. Your right hand on the girl is totally huge.
2) Thighs are abit thick for a bishoujo. Add some space for her groin area.
3) Guy's fingers are wobbly sausage thick.
4) Volume of black haired girl's head is not enough. Add more hair to the back if you want her to look less bald.
5) Lesser leaves details around the guy will make that first frame more unified. The face is really simple for such a "complex" background.
6) Add action lines for the bag to give it a more dynamic movement.
7) Don't be afraid to use rulers for somethings. You need the digital parts of your picture look stiff, it needs to be stiff. Use rulers for the handphone screen icons please.
8 ) Draw the eyes of the girl to make your style apparent in the 1st page. Shadowing it makes it easier but as many people say, the first page is the first impression. In fact, the entire chapter is important. Extras are important too you know!

These are all my comments so far. Haven't seen much story to comment on that.

Hope these are not too much for you though XD

Thanks!
as i said this is just a test page ^^ so it will be tottaly diffrent when we start this project. (after i have finished writing and we have found someone who can edit the pages).
But thank you for comments :) and feel free to comment.

Wow, Mycstea goes all-out on improvement tips. I don't think I have much to say however I like the details on the leaves and the guys expression.

Oh yeah, I think you can make the 4th panel smaller or change the panel to a long horizontal box on the bottom of the drawing. That will give more spaces for the second and especially the third panel which is mostly is the focus of the page.

I think it would be pointless if comments/critics don't encourage/help the person.

So yeah i normally only critic when the person has declared he completed the work (if not, anything else are WIP until declared in my eyes lol), the artist wants comments, or just too many things to improve on. Which is why i rarely comment on posted works, even my own, lol.

I'll look forward to your edited version diavoloZiri. =)

well im very thankful that people give honest comments :)
and about edited version/complete comic: It will be complete maybe next summer, if everything goes well i mean. :)

I can't say what Mycstea has not. I'm an ameteur and so forth but I hope you took time with this even if it is a test page. And try not to be so percise with it because you never know what you'll change later. I'll have to upload my own artwork later so you don't feel as if I'm someone with no talent making comments.

That's pretty neat dood.

Thats a pretty good drawing especially for a test page.

@ Mycstea: That is a lot of advice. :)

wow thats pretty good!

no! i dont think like that about anyone :O!
i love to think that everybody can draw their own way, but i hate when people think they are hopeless.
but thanks for your comments ^^;
the project is frozen right now cause i have to study and i havent been able to think about own hentai projects ^^;

here's a preview of new picture from me and my friend :)

please let me know what you like, this is one of my first time coloring with computer. http://img19.imageshack.us/my.php?image=sneakpeek2.tif

The coloring is nice but I think you need to work a little bit more with the breast, it's not 'properly' rounded. I'm not sure if I'm saying it right but that's what I can say on the drawing.

Here's a sample of updated version.

It's well drawn at least from my stand point, and I will say this when you do finish it please submit it here.

i'll think about it :)

Gooooooooooooood but what is this title

Two words - HAND LETTER.

I also agree that there is too much bleed. I had the exact same problem with the pages I'm currently posting, and am making adjustments with my newer work. One other thing I'd like to say is, I'm not sure what tool you're using to ink, but push the blacks. A good comic page has an equal balance of black and white on the page and in each panel. Try breaking out a brush and create a balance to your values. Also, since your working manga style, don't be afraid to experiment with tones, like Zip tone! Best of luck!