How can parental violence be controlled?
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Say, my mom is not a psychotic, nor a master of the underworld, but when I was young, its her hobby of spanking us, punching, pinching, and throwing us like stray dogs out of streets for a simple mistake we know we can change.
she said "Its a part of the discipline", but when I inquire my friends about it, they haven't been in the same situation.
Now that I am a fully grown up man, the memories of the past still lingers in me.
I grew up sullen, defensive and hostile. Yet disciplined, respectful and diligent.
Is it really a part of discipline? does it have to be like that?
Would you do the same as parent? Or have you been in the same situation?
she said "Its a part of the discipline", but when I inquire my friends about it, they haven't been in the same situation.
Now that I am a fully grown up man, the memories of the past still lingers in me.
I grew up sullen, defensive and hostile. Yet disciplined, respectful and diligent.
Is it really a part of discipline? does it have to be like that?
Would you do the same as parent? Or have you been in the same situation?
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Chronus14 wrote...
Say, my mom is not a psychotic, nor a master of the underworld, but when I was young, its her hobby of spanking us, punching, pinching, and throwing us like stray dogs out of streets for a simple mistake we know we can change.
she said "Its a part of the discipline", but when I inquire my friends about it, they haven't been in the same situation.
Now that I am a fully grown up man, the memories of the past still lingers in me.
I grew up sullen, defensive and hostile. Yet disciplined, respectful and diligent.
Is it really a part of discipline? does it have to be like that?
Would you do the same as parent? Or have you been in the same situation?
I do believe discipline is needed in raising a child but only to a certain degree to the point its not considered child abuse.
I'd have to say a slap on the hand or a spanking would be fine but punching and throwing kids around is definitely a problem. Whats the point of raising a child if you can't even take care of them. Sometimes parental violence does get out of hand and end up having the child going to the hospital for serious injuries.
You should probably take a look at this article about twins that died because of parental violence. It caused a huge concern on how some children may have been treated in these times.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cris_and_Cru_Kahui_homicides
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DonkeyFace wrote...
Chronus14 wrote...
Is it really a part of discipline? does it have to be like that?
Would you do the same as parent? Or have you been in the same situation?
I do believe discipline is needed in raising a child but only to a certain degree to the point its not considered child abuse.
I agree,..
I remembered when I was 10, and I forgot to wash the dishes and clean my clothes.
She threw my clothes outside our house, while spanking my butt in front of many people. Its not just about the physical, but the emotional and psychological aspects too.
I was so embarrassed that moment. I picked my clothes one by one, crying while knocking at the door, begging for forgiveness.
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This is a very complicated topic, which requires a longer answer. ;)
Before I start answering it, I'd like to define what we are talking about and then I'll go into methods and what the researchers about it, as well as my opinion on that.
In its original sense, discipline is referred to systematic instruction given to disciples to train them as students in a craft or trade, or to follow a particular code of conduct or "order". Often, the phrase "to discipline" carries a negative connotation. This is because enforcement of order – that is, ensuring instructions are carried out – is often regulated through punishment.
Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person or animal in response to behavior deemed wrong by an individual or group. The authority may be either a group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a system of law or informally in other kinds of social settings such as within a family.
(Wikipedia: discipline, punishment)
I'd like to say in advance that I am not the perfect mom and that I don't claim to know everything best, but my opinions are based on thorough research and so gain knowledge applied and tested on my own daughter (and it does work most of the time).
First we have to keep in mind that raising a child starts the day it is born. Starting to implant disciplinary rules at the age of 7, when the kid is completely out of control, is already too late.
In order to get a disciplined kid, you have to be a disciplined parent. Don't give the kid everything it wants, just because it is crying. Give the kid a fixed set of rules. Don't change the rules every second day. Make the rules understandable (no "just because" answers). And of course set up fixed punishments for not obeying the rules.
Physical punishments don't work on long term. I know that from myself and manymanymaaaaany observations I made with my clients. Most kids get used to it, so the parent ends up applying more and more force and more severe physical punishments until the situation gets completely out of control. Most kids learn to endure the few minutes of pain for being able to do whatever they want for HOURS. Not to mention that most kids go by the logic: if I am not caught, I won't get the punishment anyway.
It is better to teach your kid values. A good sense of right and wrong and make it understand why rules are important. Because kids don't follow rules that don't make sense to them.
It is also very important to give rewards for good behavior, because a child doesn't see a point in being a good kid, if the parents have only two modes of dealing with them: bad and normal.
Physical punishments don't leave always permanent marks, that influence us as grown ups later in life - but they are always completely pointless.
Before I start answering it, I'd like to define what we are talking about and then I'll go into methods and what the researchers about it, as well as my opinion on that.
In its original sense, discipline is referred to systematic instruction given to disciples to train them as students in a craft or trade, or to follow a particular code of conduct or "order". Often, the phrase "to discipline" carries a negative connotation. This is because enforcement of order – that is, ensuring instructions are carried out – is often regulated through punishment.
Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person or animal in response to behavior deemed wrong by an individual or group. The authority may be either a group or a single person, and punishment may be carried out formally under a system of law or informally in other kinds of social settings such as within a family.
(Wikipedia: discipline, punishment)
I'd like to say in advance that I am not the perfect mom and that I don't claim to know everything best, but my opinions are based on thorough research and so gain knowledge applied and tested on my own daughter (and it does work most of the time).
First we have to keep in mind that raising a child starts the day it is born. Starting to implant disciplinary rules at the age of 7, when the kid is completely out of control, is already too late.
In order to get a disciplined kid, you have to be a disciplined parent. Don't give the kid everything it wants, just because it is crying. Give the kid a fixed set of rules. Don't change the rules every second day. Make the rules understandable (no "just because" answers). And of course set up fixed punishments for not obeying the rules.
Physical punishments don't work on long term. I know that from myself and manymanymaaaaany observations I made with my clients. Most kids get used to it, so the parent ends up applying more and more force and more severe physical punishments until the situation gets completely out of control. Most kids learn to endure the few minutes of pain for being able to do whatever they want for HOURS. Not to mention that most kids go by the logic: if I am not caught, I won't get the punishment anyway.
It is better to teach your kid values. A good sense of right and wrong and make it understand why rules are important. Because kids don't follow rules that don't make sense to them.
It is also very important to give rewards for good behavior, because a child doesn't see a point in being a good kid, if the parents have only two modes of dealing with them: bad and normal.
Physical punishments don't leave always permanent marks, that influence us as grown ups later in life - but they are always completely pointless.
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Quite the complex topic.
I agree with opinions above, that discipline must be firm, but applied in an understanding way. A disciplined parent is required to actually impart discipline. Unfortunately, parents are also shaped by their own, and sometimes they become overzealous in their efforts.
I'll share my experience. My mother's idea of discipline was verbal abuse, objective comparisson to how much of a failure we were as children and humans in relation to her and having to listen about her accomplishments and how we were never going to reach her status. Among other aspects; physical abuse was never used. Words can also have a powerful effect, maybe even more than physical violence. It got progressively worse as the years rolled by, until finally it became intolerable. Her mere presence annoyed me, as I had lost all respect for her as an individual. I cut myself off from her and have barely spoken to her for the past 3 years. In the few conversation we have had, she claims that all her mannerisms were simply to instill discipline as she had been taught.
My point with this is that controlling parental violence can be touchy. As children we are subject to their praise and disapproval, many times not having a choice. The trouble starts when a parent begins treating his or her child as an employee, a reflection of themselves. The worst thing you can do to a child IMO is expect them to be better than yourself, stunting their individual growth and trying to forcefully shape them into something they're not.
I agree with opinions above, that discipline must be firm, but applied in an understanding way. A disciplined parent is required to actually impart discipline. Unfortunately, parents are also shaped by their own, and sometimes they become overzealous in their efforts.
I'll share my experience. My mother's idea of discipline was verbal abuse, objective comparisson to how much of a failure we were as children and humans in relation to her and having to listen about her accomplishments and how we were never going to reach her status. Among other aspects; physical abuse was never used. Words can also have a powerful effect, maybe even more than physical violence. It got progressively worse as the years rolled by, until finally it became intolerable. Her mere presence annoyed me, as I had lost all respect for her as an individual. I cut myself off from her and have barely spoken to her for the past 3 years. In the few conversation we have had, she claims that all her mannerisms were simply to instill discipline as she had been taught.
My point with this is that controlling parental violence can be touchy. As children we are subject to their praise and disapproval, many times not having a choice. The trouble starts when a parent begins treating his or her child as an employee, a reflection of themselves. The worst thing you can do to a child IMO is expect them to be better than yourself, stunting their individual growth and trying to forcefully shape them into something they're not.