A quick story premise I though up, might continue on it.
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Feedback would certainly be appreciated, whether it be criticism, praise, general thoughts, or ideas. :D
If it isn't clear what the plot will be, then PM me, and I guess I'll try to explain better.
She looked at me, tears flowing down her rosy cheeks, holding my hands weakly in hers, as she opened her mouth, "Please!". I didn't know what to say to her request. I had never spoke to her before, and I wasn't the type that seemed particularly willing to do what other people wanted me to. But, this was different; much more important than any other thing someone had asked of me.
I tilted my head down for a moment, then raised it up again, "I'm sorry... I must have heard you wrong. What did you want?".
She didn't say anything about my disbelief; didn't try to make a joke, or insult my lack of attention. Instead, she just stared into my eyes again, "I want you... to stay by my side, until the end...".
'The End, huh?', I thought to myself, and blushed slightly, seriously considering what she asked. I really felt like by saying yes, I could make a difference in this girl's life. Maybe by spending time with her, I could make her change her mind about the decision she was making. I decided that even if I couldn't, maybe something else would come from it.
So, I committed myself, "Sure, if you're okay with me, I guess.". She nodded, and gave me a weak hug.
'Why would someone like her try and do this?', I continued to ponder. Considering how cute she was, she could have so much better. Her shoulder-length auburn hair, followed by a wonderful figure, and topped off with a cute face and beautiful lips, had left me thoroughly confused. 'Wouldn't she have been better off asking someone else?'.
Regardless, we started to go through with it. We had to swear to each other to keep it a secret from our friends and family, and make an agreement so that neither of us would be able to back out, along with exchanging items that we could use to blackmail the other into committing. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that, though.
The finishing touch was planning everything out. This was hard to do, but eventually we decided on two months from now.
Two months from now, we would be holding hands, not as lovers, but as partners with a common goal. We would finally find the end of our journey, and be free from disappointment, expectations, and empty promises.
Two months from now, our suicide pact would be realized.
I had two months to change her mind.
If it isn't clear what the plot will be, then PM me, and I guess I'll try to explain better.
She looked at me, tears flowing down her rosy cheeks, holding my hands weakly in hers, as she opened her mouth, "Please!". I didn't know what to say to her request. I had never spoke to her before, and I wasn't the type that seemed particularly willing to do what other people wanted me to. But, this was different; much more important than any other thing someone had asked of me.
I tilted my head down for a moment, then raised it up again, "I'm sorry... I must have heard you wrong. What did you want?".
She didn't say anything about my disbelief; didn't try to make a joke, or insult my lack of attention. Instead, she just stared into my eyes again, "I want you... to stay by my side, until the end...".
'The End, huh?', I thought to myself, and blushed slightly, seriously considering what she asked. I really felt like by saying yes, I could make a difference in this girl's life. Maybe by spending time with her, I could make her change her mind about the decision she was making. I decided that even if I couldn't, maybe something else would come from it.
So, I committed myself, "Sure, if you're okay with me, I guess.". She nodded, and gave me a weak hug.
'Why would someone like her try and do this?', I continued to ponder. Considering how cute she was, she could have so much better. Her shoulder-length auburn hair, followed by a wonderful figure, and topped off with a cute face and beautiful lips, had left me thoroughly confused. 'Wouldn't she have been better off asking someone else?'.
Regardless, we started to go through with it. We had to swear to each other to keep it a secret from our friends and family, and make an agreement so that neither of us would be able to back out, along with exchanging items that we could use to blackmail the other into committing. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that, though.
The finishing touch was planning everything out. This was hard to do, but eventually we decided on two months from now.
Two months from now, we would be holding hands, not as lovers, but as partners with a common goal. We would finally find the end of our journey, and be free from disappointment, expectations, and empty promises.
Two months from now, our suicide pact would be realized.
I had two months to change her mind.
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The tone is weird. Characterization is weird. I think it needs to be fleshed out more. The premise has potential, but I have trouble believing it, right now.
P.S. Of course the suicidal heroine is actually gorgeous. Of course.
P.S.S. The thing is weird. It feels off, but I can't pinpoint it.
P.S.S. Why is the main protag helping her commit suicide meanwhile doesn't actually want her to commit suicide? So weird...
P.S.S.S. If you're going to say he has some weird issue, then you need to make that clear in the premise. Because this shit don't make sense.
P.S.S.S.S. Yea, basically, to pinpoint that off-feeling, this shit just plain don't make sense. Please explain more. It's like you decided to take the most confusing part of your story to try to make it more "interesting".
P.S. Of course the suicidal heroine is actually gorgeous. Of course.
P.S.S. The thing is weird. It feels off, but I can't pinpoint it.
P.S.S. Why is the main protag helping her commit suicide meanwhile doesn't actually want her to commit suicide? So weird...
P.S.S.S. If you're going to say he has some weird issue, then you need to make that clear in the premise. Because this shit don't make sense.
P.S.S.S.S. Yea, basically, to pinpoint that off-feeling, this shit just plain don't make sense. Please explain more. It's like you decided to take the most confusing part of your story to try to make it more "interesting".
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NeoStriker wrote...
The tone is weird. Characterization is weird. I think it needs to be fleshed out more. The premise has potential, but I have trouble believing it, right now.P.S. Of course the suicidal heroine is actually gorgeous. Of course.
P.S.S. The thing is weird. It feels off, but I can't pinpoint it.
P.S.S. Why is the main protag helping her commit suicide meanwhile doesn't actually want her to commit suicide? So weird...
P.S.S.S. If you're going to say he has some weird issue, then you need to make that clear in the premise. Because this shit don't make sense.
P.S.S.S.S. Yea, basically, to pinpoint that off-feeling, this shit just plain don't make sense. Please explain more.
Well, to start with, this premise is mainly based off of something that happened to me at school today. Sort of like this, except I said no. So, I'm basing her character off of the person who confronted me today.
As for your other points, the reason I have the character say yes is because, as I wanted to explain later, he believes that by saying yes, it will give him a better chance of getting closer to the girl, and hopefully convincing her not to. If he says no, she would simply move on to someone else. And, if you want me to have him just simply tell her not to, remember that he's a stranger to her, so she wouldn't likely take advice, especially if she's dead set enough on a suicide pact with someone.
As for issues, he doesn't have any.