A untitled poem. I'd like a critic, please.
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Upon the hill of my abode. I spoke forth to winds that grew me. Those very winds that blew me to my demise.
Then I wait. I awaited a verbal answer. Waited. I stomp away.
I walk through the forest of Autumn, a temporal moment in a temporal time.
The sights sooth me, as a mother. It was this forest I had been born after all.
I attempted a second time. "Do you hear me wind? Where do I go next?!"
I wait. I waited. I stomp away.
I go forth to my favorite place. An oasis in the temporal autumn leaves. A small brook bubbled before me.
Once more: "Wind! Where shall I go to next?!" I wait. Silence. I drop to my knees in frustration.
I sit in the passage of time. Hours go by. It's already night. A whisper awakes my daze.
"You are there. Worry not. Your reactions have led you here, yes? The wind has shown you the path."
I wait. I waited. I return home.
Then I wait. I awaited a verbal answer. Waited. I stomp away.
I walk through the forest of Autumn, a temporal moment in a temporal time.
The sights sooth me, as a mother. It was this forest I had been born after all.
I attempted a second time. "Do you hear me wind? Where do I go next?!"
I wait. I waited. I stomp away.
I go forth to my favorite place. An oasis in the temporal autumn leaves. A small brook bubbled before me.
Once more: "Wind! Where shall I go to next?!" I wait. Silence. I drop to my knees in frustration.
I sit in the passage of time. Hours go by. It's already night. A whisper awakes my daze.
"You are there. Worry not. Your reactions have led you here, yes? The wind has shown you the path."
I wait. I waited. I return home.
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Shark-san, I do agree with that change on the 2nd to final verse, I couldn't exactly think of a good way to express that.
However, the phrase "a temporal moment in a temporal time" represented how the person's feelings were temporary and comparable to Autumn's transience.
P.S. This was a poem that I did in under 10 minutes. I'm surprised it turned out so well.
However, the phrase "a temporal moment in a temporal time" represented how the person's feelings were temporary and comparable to Autumn's transience.
P.S. This was a poem that I did in under 10 minutes. I'm surprised it turned out so well.
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ToyManC
Forgot my safe word
I like your poems appeal to nature for guidance and direction. It speaks to every persons search for their path in life. Your phrase, 'a temporal moment in a temporal time,' is just perfect and I wouldn't change it at all. The third stanza's use of the word 'temporal,' however, just seems a bit too repetitive and might be better if replaced with something like 'changing' instead.
My suggestions are just that, and as the poem's author I urge you to feel free to disregard my opinions if they conflict with your vision. The most important critic of any poem is its own author.
If you did this poem in 10 minutes, then I am very impressed. Well done.
My suggestions are just that, and as the poem's author I urge you to feel free to disregard my opinions if they conflict with your vision. The most important critic of any poem is its own author.
If you did this poem in 10 minutes, then I am very impressed. Well done.
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ToyManC wrote...
I like your poems appeal to nature for guidance and direction. It speaks to every persons search for their path in life. Your phrase, 'a temporal moment in a temporal time,' is just perfect and I wouldn't change it at all. The third stanza's use of the word 'temporal,' however, just seems a bit too repetitive and might be better if replaced with something like 'changing' instead.My suggestions are just that, and as the poem's author I urge you to feel free to disregard my opinions if they conflict with your vision. The most important critic of any poem is its own author.
If you did this poem in 10 minutes, then I am very impressed. Well done.
Thank you for both reading and complimenting my work. :)