[Autumn Contest Entry 2015] Aneeme
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An otaku and a man died at the same time and went to hell for judgement. The devil asked them 'Why are you here for?' and the man trembled saying 'I took this man's life...' The otaku was shocked and frightened whispering 'How? What happened?'. The Devil suddenly chuckled at the man and decided. 'You can go to heaven' And so the man was dragged to the sky. The Otaku said 'So he didn't kill me?' and the Devil replied while walking back to his throne 'What are you talking about?'.
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You could do more with the opening line to draw people in. This might also read a little easier if you started new paragraphs when people talk. Obviously, it's a stylistic choice you made, but that's what I would have done if I wrote this, although it might make it look to chopped up.
I'm not too sure about this sentence. What I think you mean is while the devil is questioning the killer, the otaku is standing around, kind of dazed. It doesn't make too much sense if this is the otaku's direct response to the killer admitting to what he did. Either way, it could use some improvement.
The otaku was shocked and frightened whispering 'How? What happened?'.
I'm not too sure about this sentence. What I think you mean is while the devil is questioning the killer, the otaku is standing around, kind of dazed. It doesn't make too much sense if this is the otaku's direct response to the killer admitting to what he did. Either way, it could use some improvement.
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d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
You could do more with the opening line to draw people in. This might also read a little easier if you started new paragraphs when people talk. Obviously, it's a stylistic choice you made, but that's what I would have done if I wrote this, although it might make it look to chopped up.The otaku was shocked and frightened whispering 'How? What happened?'.
I'm not too sure about this sentence. What I think you mean is while the devil is questioning the killer, the otaku is standing around, kind of dazed. It doesn't make too much sense if this is the otaku's direct response to the killer admitting to what he did. Either way, it could use some improvement.
it's not even......stylised
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KozWanderer wrote...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
You could do more with the opening line to draw people in. This might also read a little easier if you started new paragraphs when people talk. Obviously, it's a stylistic choice you made, but that's what I would have done if I wrote this, although it might make it look to chopped up.The otaku was shocked and frightened whispering 'How? What happened?'.
I'm not too sure about this sentence. What I think you mean is while the devil is questioning the killer, the otaku is standing around, kind of dazed. It doesn't make too much sense if this is the otaku's direct response to the killer admitting to what he did. Either way, it could use some improvement.
it's not even......stylised
The standard is to start a new paragraph when a new person talks, however I don't think there are any hard, fast rules about it. I've read plenty of books where there are specific instances that the author doesn't do it, and I think in most cases it's because several things are being said in very quick succession by different people. And as in your case, it's so short, there not too much of a reason to do it.
So maybe stylized isn't the right word to use.