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Being Close

1
Chef Sanji
12 years ago
Disclaimer: Very vanilla and very innocent. Hope you enjoy ^_^

Spoiler:
I awake suddenly, brought back to consciousness by the sunlight piercing through the open window. I blink a few times, and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes as I look around. The window is wide open, and the white lace curtain is blowing in the gentle breeze. The smell of grass filters into the room, and everywhere the sunlight touches is painted in a golden glow.

I stretch my back a little without getting out of bed and feel my foot brush yours. I check to see if I had woken you, and as I turn my head, I lock eyes with the most beautiful pools of light I have ever seen, broken only when you blink, and then they radiate all the more when you open them again.

I cross my eyes at you and am rewarded instantly. You give a soft giggle, and smile that small smile that makes me melt. I pull my arms out of the covers and wrap them around you as I press my body close. I’m pleased that you press in just as forcefully as I do, and I lean forward and kiss your forehead. As I pull back, I look down at you and notice you look disappointed. I try my hardest to look curious, spurring you into speech.

“You missed.”

Your face pushes toward me and I feel a softness on my lips that I can never get enough of. The taste of you is exquisite, and it causes a stirring deep within me. We stay that way for a long while, savoring the pressure from one another, and the closeness of it all.

And there we laid, for hours and hours, loving just being there.
0
2xj00eL_HM
12 years ago
oh geez, and on Valentines day too~
sigh. This only makes my chest tight, thinking about things that will never happen.
anyhow, the warm and tender feeling you are trying to convey is most definitely present in this piece of writing. I'll admit that despite feeling melancholic (because that's how this stuff often makes me feel) this also made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. like Shiraki Aeka (<3)
I feel however, that some sentence structure just felt a little awkward, but since I don't put a lot of faith in my grammar skills, and my head is still winding down from just writing an essay, I'll let someone else talk with moar brainpower talk about that instead.

Warm and Fuzzy Vanilla at it's purest~ I'm glad you can share this with us~
0
Chef Sanji
12 years ago
2xj00eL_HM wrote...
oh geez, and on Valentines day too~
sigh. This only makes my chest tight, thinking about things that will never happen.
anyhow, the warm and tender feeling you are trying to convey is most definitely present in this piece of writing. I'll admit that despite feeling melancholic (because that's how this stuff often makes me feel) this also made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. like Shiraki Aeka (<3)
I feel however, that some sentence structure just felt a little awkward, but since I don't put a lot of faith in my grammar skills, and my head is still winding down from just writing an essay, I'll let someone else talk with moar brainpower talk about that instead.

Warm and Fuzzy Vanilla at it's purest~ I'm glad you can share this with us~


Glad to share ^_^ Thx for the comments...it took me all of a minute to write, so the grammar and structure probably IS a little awkward lol
0
Patient Four
12 years ago
What I wouldn't give to experience an event like this at some point in my life...
0
Robinhood1337
12 years ago
Real nice, how about someone draw a doujin of this? XD
0
Chef Sanji
12 years ago
Robinhood1337 wrote...
Real nice, how about someone draw a doujin of this? XD


I was considering hunting down an artist in the Art forum, but I think it's fine as a short story ^_^
0
NeoStriker
12 years ago
Hnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.

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0
Chef Sanji
12 years ago
Wordmangler2000 wrote...
JamesonM wrote...
Disclaimer: Very vanilla and very innocent. Hope you enjoy ^_^


Hi Jameson.

Spoiler:
Very evocative writing. You did something that would improve a lot of the stories posted here: You let the details of the scene set the emotional tone.

You didn't use adjectives to tell us how the character felt: "I felt happy and content."

You didn't use adverbs to sneak in an emotional context: "I sighed happily."

You wrote about what the character experienced: the breeze blowing the curtains, the gentle sunlight. The mood emerged from these details.

You didn't TELL us what the character felt. (That would have called attention to you as the narrator, distracting us from what was happening with the characters and diminishing the effectiveness of the scene.) You SHOWED us. That is a tremendously important thing for a writer to do.

Great.

On the other hand, you made a very jarring grammatical error, right at the end, that spoiled the mood for me.

It is very common for people to make mistakes when they use the verbs lie and lay.

The problem is that the past tense of lie is lay.

Lay is a transitive verb. It's something you do to something else.

Here are some sentences that use lay in the present tense:

  • Walking into the room, I lay the book on the table.

  • My eyes are crossing. I lay down my pen and close the notebook.


The past tense of lay is laid:

  • I walked into the room and laid the book on the table.

  • My eyes were crossing. I laid down my pen and closed the notebook.


The past participle is also laid:

  • The book was right there where I had laid it.


Lie is an intransitive verb. (I'm ignoring the sense in which lie means telling an untruth.) Lie is something you do to yourself.

Here's how lie is used in the present tense:

  • Suddenly sleepy, I lie down for a nap.


The confusing part is that the past tense of lie is lay:

  • Suddenly I felt sleepy. I lay down for a nap.


The past participle is lain.

  • I'd been sleepy, I remembered, and I had lain down for a nap.


Lay:

Lay, laid, laid

Lie:

Lie, lay, lain

Your last sentence is:

  • And there we laid, for hours and hours, loving just being there.


But you meant to write:

  • And there we lay, for hours and hours, loving just being there.


Lay/lie screws people up all the time.

Your fragment isn't a story. It's not even a complete scene. But it sets the mood effectively. I hope you'll incorporate it into a longer work.

I look forward to seeing that longer work!




Back to that shredding criticism I see lol Well, thanks for the info on that last bit, I will pay attention to that in the future. As far as a longer work goes, I'm not quite sure if that will happen. I just write what comes to me, when it comes to me, I don't really have plans for anything big =S
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