[Valentines Contest Entry 2017] Bloody Valentines Day

The date was February 13th. Jasmine laid on her bed, heartbroken. Locked away in her room, she looked down at the kitchen knife she took when no one was looking. She vaguely heard her family downstairs, getting dinner ready, ignorant to her misery. She gripped the hilt tightly. How had it come to this?

It had all started in Spring. The new semester had just started, and most people were introducing themselves to their new classmates, making friends, and laying out the who's who of this semester. Jasmine was not a happy girl. Her mother, and father had a very poor relationship, and both were putting a lot of pressure on her now that she was getting older. All the things that had brought her joy when she was little had lost their meaning. She was someone without a reason to live. But on the first day of school, she found a beacon of hope.

It was during Spanish class. The teacher had just introduced herself, and had begun laying out the course work. Then she introduced him.

Pablo Hernandez. The student tutor.

He was dressed to the nines. His biceps looked like they were hand crafted by God himself. He towered over the little teacher like Mt. Everest. And his smile could melt a glacier with its warmth. Surprisingly though, that wasn't what hooked Jasmine. During an assignment, everyone had to team up with a partner and introduce themselves in Spanish. Jasmine didn't have a partner. So she did the assignment with Pablo. He sauntered up to her, and in a cool accented voice said, "You're Jasmine? I'm Pablo. I'll be your partner."

And that was what hooked her. She had found a reason to live.

She attended every one of his tutoring sessions. She rose to the top of the class. She needed his attention, his time, his love. She started following him. At first it was just while they were having a conversation, and they walked to the bus stop together. She was really shy, and had a hard time coming up with things to say. So as Pablo became more familiar with her, he didn't ask her questions. Soon he stopped talking to her as much. But she didn't stop following him. Everyday after class, she'd awkwardly follow him to his stop in silence. Soon Pablo truly stopped talking to her.

As the days went on, Jasmine became worried, frantic, and desperate. She needed to take action, before she lost him. So she poured her heart, and soul into a love letter she slipped in his backpack.

"Dear Pablo, I'm so sorry for how I've been treating you.
I can tell I upset you by following you around so much.
So I've decided to just come out and say I love you.
I've loved you since we met, and I think about you every day.
Clearly following you around like this isn't the way to your heart,
so let's just start dating. Valentines Day is tomorrow after all! <3
I'll do everything I can to be a girlfriend worthy of you.
Let's be together! <3 --Jasmine."

When she got home, she saw she had a new email.

"Jasmine, please stop this. I already have a girlfriend.
The things you're doing are overbearing and creepy.
We don't have a thing in common. You barely even know me,
but you treat me like some sort of god. Nobody wants
that out of a relationship. I'll see you tomorrow."

She felt her heartbeat begin racing as she typed a response.

"We can still be friends though, right?"

It was five minutes before she got a reply. During that short time, she had begun pulling on her hair, and biting fingers.

"I don't think we should be friends.
We don't have anything in common,
and it would unhealthy for you to stay in
this mindset."

The date was February 13th. Jasmine, laid on her bed, heartbroken. Locked away in her room, she looked down at the kitchen knife she took when no one was looking. She vaguely heard her family downstairs, getting dinner ready, ignorant to her misery. She gripped the hilt tightly. She knew she wanted to use it. She knew she had to use it. But she didn't know how.

She could use it on herself, and leave this world. If she did it at school, it would send the message to Pablo. But she still felt a little scared at the thought.

She could use it on Pablo. After all, he was the one who made her feel like this. The one who rejected her. But she did still love him. Could she really bring herself to harm him?

She could use it on his girlfriend. After all, she was the one who stole his love away from her. But Jasmine didn't want to get too many people involved...

What will Jasmine do? The choice, dear reader is in thine hands. You must choose one of three Tarot Cards. Choose wisely, as it will determine the outcome of this tale we have crafted, and the fate of Jasmine, and Pablo.

The Lovers.
The Fool.
Justice

I like the idea of having multiple endings based on tarot cards. That's pretty cool. However, this comes out nowhere at the end.

The Justice ending is a deus ex machina. I would have liked to see some foreshadowing somewhere about Pablo's friend.



There a few instances like above where you leave a word out. In this case, "her." "He treated her neutrally."



This line feels manipulative to me.



This is another line that just feels manipulative to me. It's designed to create a high for Jasmine that I know is going to be toppled.

Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you liked my gimmick :) Sorry a few lines felt manipulative to you. Also I definitely should've done one last grammer check. Oh well, maybe I'll do better next time...

If you have read through some of my contributions to this site, you might discover that I have odd tastes and I don't fancy romantic themes that much which is why I liked the first two endings.


The first two endings were genuinely entertaining and I almost laughed. I know it is implied that our dear heroine is out of her mind but a stabbing spree feels a bit of an overkill for being rejected which is why I liked it! Please take this as a compliment!

I am curious. Why did you name the best ending "Justice"? "The Two Lovers" must refer to Pablo and his girlfriend I thought. And did the story take place on a Friday?

If there were anything to make the entry better, I would suggest taking ideas from Elliot Rodgers who is fortunately not with us any longer.

Glad you enjoyed the first two endings, those were my favs too! (And of course the stabbing is overkill, that's what makes it so fun!)

The last ending was called justice mainly because I had to google what cards are in a Tarot Deck, and decide which was best for a "good" ending. I thought justice fit well enough because there is the some justice in Jasmine getting a boyfriend, and Pablo & his GF not being stalked.

I totally wanted it to take place on a Friday, but she goes to school the next day, so...

Woah there, this story certainly went south real fast! I actually thought we were in for a kouhai-senpai love story with that kind of starting relationship with the two of them. Too bad though...

Anyways, the tone is set pretty dark even at the start, perhaps even unnecessarily so. The idea of putting in the first couple of lines is a method to draw in the reader, to hook them. I think you had that in mind when you wrote it, but actually I think leading with the following paragraph would have accomplished similar results. However, I do like the idea of repetition, reinforcement, and going full in full circles in writing stories. Used right, I think they become powerful tools that drive home certain points.

All that said, I think the most interesting part about your story is also a weakness. The triple ending is pretty cool actually, I'd not seen something like this before, but i think the problem with it is that you dilute the power of what you create beforehand. Going full circle with the first few lines means less when there is no ultimate ending. And likewise, the three endings means that you have less time to develop the motives, feelings, and intentions that lead up to them. for instance, introducing the friend earlier on would make the third ending stronger, but the other two endings weaker. And personally I think if you focused really focused on one, it would be stronger than the sum of the three.

Thanks for entering the contest. I might have sounded harsh, but I really did enjoy the story. It was fun, and the triple endings was a refreshing change of pace. I had also assumed the story would end in a brutal suicide, so in a way I'm glad that it didn't end that way. I hope Jasmine gets together with her new friend. Who needs Pablo anyways.

That wasn't even CLOSE to harsh, dude. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and leaving constructive criticism!

I actually agree with all of your points, namely that I should have introduced Pablo's friend earlier in the story. The whole story is really more of a good first draft, and I should have stepped back to iron out a few concepts. (And double check muh grammar!)

For the limited word count I am certainly not expecting much depth. I hope the writer will forgive me for saying this but our main character is a cliched one-dimensional lunatic who is destined for some sticky end. So Pablo's friend felt like a deus ex machina and so I feel ought not to be foreshadowed. It ruins the fun I feel if he was introduced.

I thought the writer set this entry out like a prank or was trying to humour the reader by giving three endings set in a comically dark setting. It felt almost light hearted! Strange for me to say that of course considering that the material covered here is really dark but the scenarios and the lead character I found are over the top and pleasantly so.

PS: Forgive me again for saying this but Pablo doesn't speak like a man to me which again is quite good in the context of this story. Men would be more curt, perhaps fatherly or less sensitive. I would imagine him laughing at our heroine's advances in his email or speaking to her like an annoying father telling her that there are bigger fish in the sea. That (making Pablo the way he is) makes reading it enjoyable in a strange way like watching a horror movie where the characters that are to die behave like horrible people. I really want to see Pablo castrated.