[Contest Entry 2011]I wish , I pray , I hope

I wish , I pray , I hope

Once there was a wish,
A feeble Christmas wish,
Not a new maid ,
Nor a new child.
as a wafu, at Fakku
I wished only a sight,
Only a glimpse towards him,
Until her end of time

When the others are celebrating,
while the snow keeps falling,
I keep myself from crumbling,
Never caring about anything.
Because he is everything
that I wish from this Christmas

As the seconds are slipping between my fingers,
negating the hope of reaching you,
Trying not to fail again,
I lay inside an empty room,
While the cables are hugging me,
Giving me the energy to stay awake.

Waiting for you to set foot,
near the leafless tree,
I will keep watch for you,
Even though I need to rest,
I remove one living part,
Placing it with love.

Even though I will not be here
I wish , I could see , just see,
With my own eye , placed with love,
My beloved , the one I love,
Standing beside me , caring about me.

Hearing sounds meaningless carols,
enchanting voices , sweet whispers,
they keep fading , still fading
till the merge of silence.

As the slipping seconds starts fading,
I look at the living part , looking at me,
I hug myself , praying to live on,
I open the empty socket,
Staring blindly at the place,
Where the exit should be.

I'm sorry, but I cannot accept this revised entry into the contest because it fails to include two guidelines: It never mentions of the theme, of which is winter, and it also does not mention Fakku or anything relating to it.

If you would like to switch your entry back to your previous one because it did meet the guidelines, I can do that for you because I've kept a backup on my computer in a Word document.

Then I would be glad to.. Even though the previous entry isn't much of a "poem".

And can I post this poem in a separate thread?

[color=red][b]You can always edit this poem to meet the rules, too.

Yeah I could do that , but its not that easy , only if I could cheat and add the words snow , Christmas and then end the poem with something about fakku.

But that would be kinda lame in my opinion.

[color=red][b]I don't see how it's cheating. You're allowed to edit your entry however you want, you can change it in any way you wish. Except that you can't have anyone else write it for you.

Adding some more parts aren't all that hard, is it?

Well anyway, do whatever you think it right. I'm only suggesting.

A mention of something Fakku-related still needs to occur in this piece in order to be deemed appropriate as a submission. It has been required of everyone else.

Well I included 2 small bits.. In the 4th and 5th verse there is the maid (simbolizing the maid fetish) and child that is about the lolicon , both of them can be linked to the wafu contest.

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in short
"what do you want for Christmas, Fakku member?"
"love"

This is nice, but I get a feeling of slight emptiness as a general feel for the content. It seems spontaneous, but there is a feeling of sympathy here. I'd say more, but I'm not the best interpreter of poems.

FYI: I am an editor by nature. I read word-for-word and I pick up almost every little thing. So, the only way I can express my corrections is by directly reposting your story. Additions are in red, comments are in dark red, removals are strike-through. Here you are.

Thanks your your reply. About the commas, I thought that that is how it is with the spaces. Because I have only written my poems on paper using commas, dots and all the punctuation marks.

Can you please explain the feeling of emptyness? It is about the lack of a "story" or its a feeling resolved from reading it?

Thanks for replying.

Yes, there should never be a space after a word but before a punctuation mark, only after.

The feeling of emptiness I gather is difficult to describe but can only be explained by saying it leaps too far too fast into intense contemplative feeling and emotion. I find it hard to relate to at first and that creates a distance between myself and the emotion you're trying to convey. Instead, I find myself wondering what you're talking about, what the situation is when I should be feeling what you want me to feel with the content. There's a bit of a dissonance there.

I don't really start feeling the words until the paragraph that begins with the line; "Even though I will not be here" and by then it's almost over. That is more of a personal tendency of myself, though, I can't really convey more than that.

Hope what I said is beneficial to you.

Well from that point onward the flow changed into a frenetic one , with alot of pauses (simulating a panic attack or fear).

I'm kinda sad that the rest of the poem seemed like an empty arrange of word thought, but there is always room for improvement (I hope).