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Dark White

1
ZubaruMidori
10 years ago
This is a story I'm currently working on, I've been planning this for a while.
I'll let the story talk for itself. I hope you enjoy it, so far I've only written one chapter, but there is more to come.
Critique and advice is much appreciated! I'm not very experienced when it comes to writing and English is my second language.

Chapter 1: Porn
Spoiler:
It was morning; I was sitting in front of the computer, doing my usual morning ritual before going to school. My hand was going up and down on my penis while the pixels on the screen were arranging and moving in a certain way that somehow turned me on, so it resembled a attractive female having sex with an attractive male, though it wasn't actually real in any way, it was just light coming out of a screen. The fact that it wasn't real didn't matter much to me; I just ignored it and enjoyed the stimulation that the images provided me. I did this every morning, just because I felt the urge when waking up. I finally had my orgasm, not much came out though, and I did this multiple times every day, so I didn't have much time to store up my goods. After I had my orgasm I felt gross, it felt great for 5 seconds, but then the feeling of disgust came, it felt so slimy, my dick was wet with white slime and I got butterflies in my stomach, but not good butterflies, but the ones that make you feel shitty and lonely.

After doing my morning masturbation I headed to the bathroom to take a shower, then washing the gross feeling away and replacing it with a feeling of freshness. The feeling of the water dropping and going down my body was refreshing. The sad and lonely feelings in my stomach didn't go away though, this was normal to me, I just had to live with it through, that is until the next time I masturbate, but it only goes away for that short while I actually do it, but I guess that’s fine. Sometimes I think to myself that maybe life isn't for me after all. Living is not for everyone, that's why some people commit suicide, right? So maybe life was just not for me? It seemed like the only times I was feeling good was when I masturbated.

When I was finished showering I headed to the kitchen, where I ate my usual cereal, cornflakes. My mom was standing at the kitchen desk, drinking coffee and reading the local newspaper. I sat down at the table in the middle of the kitchen, where my mom had placed cutlery, bowl, cornflakes and milk so that it was ready for me to begin eating breakfast. I looked over at my mom while eating and noticed she was only in her sleeping dress. Looking at my mom I noticed how good her breast looked, I quickly shook my head because I looked such a way at my mom. how disgusting of me to do such a thing I thought to myself.
2
Xenon FAKKU Writer
10 years ago
I bit forward, but I'll help you out and fix whatever errors I found.

ZubaruMidori wrote...
Chapter 1: Porn
Spoiler:
It was morning; I was sitting in front of the computer as usual, doing my usual morning ritual before going to school. My hand was going up and down on my penis while the pixels on the screen where were arranging and moving in a certain way that somehow turned me on, in a way so that it resembled an attractive female having sex with another attractive male, though it wasn't actually real in any way, it was just light coming out of a screen. The fact that it wasn't real didn't matter much to me, I just ignored it and enjoyed the stimulation that the images provided me. I did this every morning, just because i I (You did this quite a bit in this chapter. Always remember that 'i' is always capitalized when referring to one's self as a pronoun) felt the urge when waking up. I finally had my orgasm, not much came out though, and I did this multiple times every day, so I didn't have much time to store up my goods. After i I had my orgasm i I felt gross, it felt great in for 5 seconds, but then the feeling of disgust came, it felt so slimy, my dick was wet with white slime and i I got butterflies in my stomach, but not good butterflies, but the ones that make you feel shitty and lonely.

After doing my morning masturbation i I headed to the bathroom taking to take a shower, then washing the gross feeling away and replacing it with a feeling of freshness. The feeling of the water dropping and going down my body was refreshing. The sad and lonely feelings in my stomach didn't go away though, this was normal to me, I just had to live with it throughout, that is until the masturbate ('until the masturbate?' You mean until the next masturbation session?), though (second 'though' in the sentence, try not to be excessive with it) it only goes away for that short while i I actually do it, but i I guess that’s fine. Sometimes i I think to myself that; (Unnecessary semicolon) maybe life isn't for me after all?. (Unnecessary question mark) Living is not for everyone, that's why some people commit suicide, right? So maybe life was just not for me?. It seemed like the only times i I was feeling good was when i I masturbated.

When i I was finished showering I headed to the kitchen, where i I ate my usual scereal, cornflakes. My mom was standing at the kitchen desk, drinking coffee and reading the local newspaper,. (Comma splice, meaning the sentence should just end there.) I sat down at the table in the middle of the kitchen, were my mom had placed cutlery, a bowl, cornflakes and milk so that it was ready for me to begin eating breakfast. I looked over at my mom while eating and noticed she was only in her sleeping dress. Looking at my mom i I noticed how good her breast looked, I quickly shook my head because of I looked such a way at my mom,. hHow disgusting of me to do such a thing, i I thought to myself.


Keep practicing writing in English so you can continue to get better. I feel like leonard might like this story since the beginning pokes fun at the realization of electrical images triggering sexual urges.
1
ZubaruMidori
10 years ago
Xenon wrote...
I bit forward, but I'll help you out and fix whatever errors I found.

ZubaruMidori wrote...
Chapter 1: Porn
Spoiler:
It was morning; I was sitting in front of the computer as usual, doing my usual morning ritual before going to school. My hand was going up and down on my penis while the pixels on the screen where were arranging and moving in a certain way that somehow turned me on, in a way so that it resembled an attractive female having sex with another attractive male, though it wasn't actually real in any way, it was just light coming out of a screen. The fact that it wasn't real didn't matter much to me, I just ignored it and enjoyed the stimulation that the images provided me. I did this every morning, just because i I (You did this quite a bit in this chapter. Always remember that 'i' is always capitalized when referring to one's self as a pronoun) felt the urge when waking up. I finally had my orgasm, not much came out though, and I did this multiple times every day, so I didn't have much time to store up my goods. After i I had my orgasm i I felt gross, it felt great in for 5 seconds, but then the feeling of disgust came, it felt so slimy, my dick was wet with white slime and i I got butterflies in my stomach, but not good butterflies, but the ones that make you feel shitty and lonely.

After doing my morning masturbation i I headed to the bathroom taking to take a shower, then washing the gross feeling away and replacing it with a feeling of freshness. The feeling of the water dropping and going down my body was refreshing. The sad and lonely feelings in my stomach didn't go away though, this was normal to me, I just had to live with it throughout, that is until the masturbate ('until the masturbate?' You mean until the next masturbation session?), though (second 'though' in the sentence, try not to be excessive with it) it only goes away for that short while i I actually do it, but i I guess that’s fine. Sometimes i I think to myself that; (Unnecessary semicolon) maybe life isn't for me after all?. (Unnecessary question mark) Living is not for everyone, that's why some people commit suicide, right? So maybe life was just not for me?. It seemed like the only times i I was feeling good was when i I masturbated.

When i I was finished showering I headed to the kitchen, where i I ate my usual scereal, cornflakes. My mom was standing at the kitchen desk, drinking coffee and reading the local newspaper,. (Comma splice, meaning the sentence should just end there.) I sat down at the table in the middle of the kitchen, were my mom had placed cutlery, a bowl, cornflakes and milk so that it was ready for me to begin eating breakfast. I looked over at my mom while eating and noticed she was only in her sleeping dress. Looking at my mom i I noticed how good her breast looked, I quickly shook my head because of I looked such a way at my mom,. hHow disgusting of me to do such a thing, i I thought to myself.


Keep practicing writing in English so you can continue to get better. I feel like leonard might like this story since the beginning pokes fun at the realization of electrical images triggering sexual urges.


Thank you for taking the time to edit, I appreciate it. It should be fixed now.
I'll try and increase the quality for the next chapter.
1
Eternal!
9 years ago
Not a bad concept at all. If I was going to give any advice I'd suggest focusing more on the character's mind. It's in the first person, so one of your greatest tools is the feelings and perspective of that character. At the moment it feels as if you might be telling a series of events more than delving into his mind. In a way, that's quite good - it is somewhat realistically written in that he doesn't dwell on his own thoughts, as humans tend not to, but for the sake of a story it's more engaging if you you focus a little more on what it's like to be him rather than on what he does and things, as it were~

Good luck with the next section :)
1
ZubaruMidori
9 years ago
Eternal! wrote...
Not a bad concept at all. If I was going to give any advice I'd suggest focusing more on the character's mind. It's in the first person, so one of your greatest tools is the feelings and perspective of that character. At the moment it feels as if you might be telling a series of events more than delving into his mind. In a way, that's quite good - it is somewhat realistically written in that he doesn't dwell on his own thoughts, as humans tend not to, but for the sake of a story it's more engaging if you you focus a little more on what it's like to be him rather than on what he does and things, as it were~

Good luck with the next section :)


Haven't written much on the second chapter yet actually. It was kind of my plan to do just what you told me, haven't really done it well with the first chapter, though it will try doing it better with the next chapter.
Thanks a lot for the advice, I appreciate it.
1
Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer
9 years ago
I feel like you should to learn to have more fun with words, but in a more formal manner, in my opinion. For instance, it felt weird to me reading 'shitty' at the end of the first paragraph. I mean, sure, it makes sense, but it felt like such a word did not belong there.

Maybe actually visit a thesaurus as you write. I always have a dictionary site open in my Google Chrome as I write for the RPs that I'm in. Speaking from personal experience; the listed synonyms and antonyms in common words (say, 'stop') would sometimes help to expand vocabulary (then I learned 'cessation', derp). Sometimes I'd just randomly search for words I know the meaning of, or poke around looking for words I didn't know. Only when I'm bored, that is.

And that's something totally minor, but as you keep doing it, your knowledge and creativity builds up as you think of how you may utilize all these new words you're coming across. However - and again - that's just my two cent - write more and crave your own path; discover your own writing style that's waiting for you out there.

Lastly, the period for the last sentence of the second paragraph is misplaced.
0
ZubaruMidori
9 years ago
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I feel like you should to learn to have more fun with words, but in a more formal manner, in my opinion. For instance, it felt weird to me reading 'shitty' at the end of the first paragraph. I mean, sure, it makes sense, but it felt like such a word did not belong there.

Maybe actually visit a thesaurus as you write. I always have a dictionary site open in my Google Chrome as I write for the RPs that I'm in. Speaking from personal experience; the listed synonyms and antonyms in common words (say, 'stop') would sometimes help to expand vocabulary (then I learned 'cessation', derp). Sometimes I'd just randomly search for words I know the meaning of, or poke around looking for words I didn't know. Only when I'm bored, that is.

And that's something totally minor, but as you keep doing it, your knowledge and creativity builds up as you think of how you to utilize all these new words you're coming across. However - and again - that's just my two cent - write more and crave your own path; discover your own writing style that's waiting for you out there.

Lastly, the period for the last sentence of the second paragraph is misplaced.


I see what you mean, that's a great suggestion, I will try that. Thank you for the great advice :D
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