Imouto War [Newest : Chapter 5]
2
Well... Actually I made this fanfic in Sakurahana but I think it won't hurt to share it here too...
Gimme rep+ if you like it, but if you hate it just don't read it
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(Chapter 1) Dream
(Chapter 2) My name is Sannomiya Alice
(Chapter 3) Who is she?
(Chapter 4) My first enemy is my classmate
(Chapter 5) Jacob and Taiga
Gimme rep+ if you like it, but if you hate it just don't read it
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(Chapter 1) Dream
Spoiler:
(Chapter 2) My name is Sannomiya Alice
Spoiler:
[/CENTER](Chapter 3) Who is she?
Spoiler:
(Chapter 4) My first enemy is my classmate
Spoiler:
(Chapter 5) Jacob and Taiga
Spoiler:
0
I wouldn't normally read this sort of thing, but I found it to be very entertaining ^.^ though, being an adherer to proper grammar most of time I found some parts made me twitch ~.~ I think it has a lot of potential, so keep up the good work.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
short chapter again. that and the strange wording here and there. >.>
you need to make it longer kuro. there's really not much content to comment on there... ~_~
you need to make it longer kuro. there's really not much content to comment on there... ~_~
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Okay, first off, Horrible Grammar. Fix it.
Now that that's out of the way, here's my perspective:
I've read 2 chapters so far and will continue tomorrow (it's 1 in the morning here), but so far, the concept is really interesting. Although there are some things i'd like to point out.
First of all, your storytelling is really sloppy and uninteresting at first glance.
2nd, more importantly. The Imouto War
Why do you have to kill them? If you kill and then revive them, then what was the point of it? Aside from them continuing on their regular lives if they lose, it kinda takes out the thrilling part where one should be careful because it's a competition.
Also, what's the point of the game? If the protagonists win, what then? What would they benefit from it? Because your rule:
Prize for the last pair that survive from this game : For the imouto, you'll become the queen that means the other imouto will obey all of your order. For the Onii-san, you can be with your imouto forever, and remember that your imouto always obey you
Seems really pointless and wouldn't motivate ANYONE to participate. And seriously, Queen of the other Imoutos while Big Bro gets only the Imouto? What is this, some kind of super harem for the Imouto and none for the Big Bro?
Well, that's it so far.
Oh yeah, I skipped some sentences because I couldn't bear the grammar.
BOTTOM LINE:
Like I said, Your story seems intriguing and interesting, that's true. BUT the way you tell it is uninteresting at first glance. Either find a proofreader or start polishing your writing skills
And try to think more about the rules of the Imouto War
And based from two chapters:
Chapter 1: 6/10
Chapter 2: 6/10
Now that that's out of the way, here's my perspective:
I've read 2 chapters so far and will continue tomorrow (it's 1 in the morning here), but so far, the concept is really interesting. Although there are some things i'd like to point out.
First of all, your storytelling is really sloppy and uninteresting at first glance.
2nd, more importantly. The Imouto War
Why do you have to kill them? If you kill and then revive them, then what was the point of it? Aside from them continuing on their regular lives if they lose, it kinda takes out the thrilling part where one should be careful because it's a competition.
Also, what's the point of the game? If the protagonists win, what then? What would they benefit from it? Because your rule:
Prize for the last pair that survive from this game : For the imouto, you'll become the queen that means the other imouto will obey all of your order. For the Onii-san, you can be with your imouto forever, and remember that your imouto always obey you
Seems really pointless and wouldn't motivate ANYONE to participate. And seriously, Queen of the other Imoutos while Big Bro gets only the Imouto? What is this, some kind of super harem for the Imouto and none for the Big Bro?
Well, that's it so far.
Oh yeah, I skipped some sentences because I couldn't bear the grammar.
BOTTOM LINE:
Like I said, Your story seems intriguing and interesting, that's true. BUT the way you tell it is uninteresting at first glance. Either find a proofreader or start polishing your writing skills
And try to think more about the rules of the Imouto War
And based from two chapters:
Chapter 1: 6/10
Chapter 2: 6/10
0
I'll ask my friend to proofread them later for the next chapters
and about the rules, i've a plan about it... Just wait ^^
and about the rules, i've a plan about it... Just wait ^^
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Okay, first off, Horrible Grammar. Fix it.Now that that's out of the way, here's my perspective:
I've read 2 chapters so far and will continue tomorrow (it's 1 in the morning here), but so far, the concept is really interesting. Although there are some things i'd like to point out.
First of all, your storytelling is really sloppy and uninteresting at first glance.
2nd, more importantly. The Imouto War
Why do you have to kill them? If you kill and then revive them, then what was the point of it? Aside from them continuing on their regular lives if they lose, it kinda takes out the thrilling part where one should be careful because it's a competition.
Also, what's the point of the game? If the protagonists win, what then? What would they benefit from it? Because your rule:
Prize for the last pair that survive from this game : For the imouto, you'll become the queen that means the other imouto will obey all of your order. For the Onii-san, you can be with your imouto forever, and remember that your imouto always obey you
Seems really pointless and wouldn't motivate ANYONE to participate. And seriously, Queen of the other Imoutos while Big Bro gets only the Imouto? What is this, some kind of super harem for the Imouto and none for the Big Bro?
Well, that's it so far.
Oh yeah, I skipped some sentences because I couldn't bear the grammar.
BOTTOM LINE:
Like I said, Your story seems intriguing and interesting, that's true. BUT the way you tell it is uninteresting at first glance. Either find a proofreader or start polishing your writing skills
And try to think more about the rules of the Imouto War
And based from two chapters:
Chapter 1: 6/10
Chapter 2: 6/10
I'm currently up to Chapter 3, but I think Uzu's judgement is a little harsh. True, the grammar is shaky, but the story remains readable for me (I know some people are more sensitive to grammar).
Regarding the contestants being resurrected after being killed, I think that's penalty enough within the bounds of this story. I don't think this story is meant to be a dead-serious struggle.
Regarding the prize, I think Uzu misunderstands. The winning Imouto becomes queen over all the others, and she will be forever faithful to her Onii-san. See? The Onii-san basically gains an army of imoutos.
2001-10-25 EDIT: I am now through Ch.5, and I must say that this story isn't really grabbing me. I don't know exactly why. Nevertheless, I'll probably read on, at least for a little bit, when the next chapters arrive.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Kuro vi Lolitannia wrote...
And don't forget that you can't refuse to join the game or your imouto will kill you~which means they want to be queen THAT much. still not a very good reason.