In the Midst of Falling Snow...
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xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
The rhyme scheme doesn't feel forced at all; the poem flows naturally for the most part. What surprises, or rather interests, me the most is how you've decided to divide the poem. The first stanza most definitely takes a pathos approach. Without even knowing if it is the death of a murderer, or the death of a dear loved one, there is definitely an emotional, sympathetic pull.
However, this is drastically contrasted by the beginning of the 2nd stanza as it transitions immediately into clarifying that the encounter was likely a classic good vs evil sort of death match. Then once again, the ending of the 2nd stanza reverts back and directly contrasts what the beginning of that stanza established. Such a jarring stanza in a good way.
The rest expands on the last line of the 2nd stanza. I also noticed that your 2nd stanza and your 4th stanza both have repetition which helps to build up and emphasize the last lines of both stanzas, both of which happen to be the focal points of the poem for me.
Some things I'd like to point out:
The last line of the 1st stanza definitely feels awkward. It doesn't flow with the sentence before it and it doesn't lead into the 2nd stanza. It might sound better if you combine the 2nd and last line so that the stanza is just one sentence like so:
I think you might want to remove the period on the first line of the 3rd stanza so that you can make one long sentence that sounds better. Unless you have a reason to separate the two?
Also, is there a reason why the 3rd stanza is not part of the rhyming scheme? And how long did you spend on this? It's quite nice.
However, this is drastically contrasted by the beginning of the 2nd stanza as it transitions immediately into clarifying that the encounter was likely a classic good vs evil sort of death match. Then once again, the ending of the 2nd stanza reverts back and directly contrasts what the beginning of that stanza established. Such a jarring stanza in a good way.
The rest expands on the last line of the 2nd stanza. I also noticed that your 2nd stanza and your 4th stanza both have repetition which helps to build up and emphasize the last lines of both stanzas, both of which happen to be the focal points of the poem for me.
Some things I'd like to point out:
The last line of the 1st stanza definitely feels awkward. It doesn't flow with the sentence before it and it doesn't lead into the 2nd stanza. It might sound better if you combine the 2nd and last line so that the stanza is just one sentence like so:
Spoiler:
I think you might want to remove the period on the first line of the 3rd stanza so that you can make one long sentence that sounds better. Unless you have a reason to separate the two?
Also, is there a reason why the 3rd stanza is not part of the rhyming scheme? And how long did you spend on this? It's quite nice.
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Spoiler:
>How long did you spend on this?
I wrote this in a few minutes, so it's not as great as it could be.
>Unless you have a reason to separate the two?
Period was a typo, nothing more.
>Is there a reason why the 3rd stanza is not part of the rhyming scheme?
Nothing that near-rhymes or rhymes well enough with "silence" to carry the tone I was looking for.
>The last line of the 1st stanza definitely feels awkward.
Again, I just slapped it down since I wasn't exactly editing it thoroughly.
Edit: Did some editing to change it a bit.
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nice hunter and hart depiction here and there. it was somehow romantic, so to speak =D
anyways, the title reminds me about this song
anyways, the title reminds me about this song
