Inhale. Exhale. Think. Repeat.
0
I take a long drag of my cigarette then exhale, watching as the cloud leaves my mouth and floats into the heavens, wondering how many hearts I’ve broken over the years. How many promises of unrequited love I’ve offered only to have them just end up lies? How many times they have cried over how I hurt them, leaving their hearts in irreparable pieces. I guess, if anyone is to blame, it’s me. That’s who’s always been to blame.
I, who swore to protect them.
I, who promised nothing but the best.
I, who give them the sweetest honey coated words.
Words that became venom, leading me to my own self-destruction.
In the end, I knew it wouldn’t last. I tried to show them love, but somewhere along the way, lust killed the love and became its negative, turning everything we worked hard to create to dust. Worse part was, I had the power to stop it….but I didn’t. Just like a whore, I allowed it to control me, all for the pleasure, just without payment.
Another long drag. Another exhale.
It wasn’t fair to them. I knew that. I treated them good at first, like sex dolls the next. I tried to break the chain, but it was unending. At least that’s the way it seemed. It was just innocent and playful. Soon it became a hunger, and from that, an addiction. I caused damage. Not only to them, but to me……
God, I’m scum.
I try to take another drag, but I notice that I’m burning the filter now. I throw the nub over the edge of the roof and fish around in my pocket for the carton. It’s empty. Sighing I throw it over the roof as well. Guess it makes for perfect irony. I take my last smoke moments before my last breath. I look down, eyeing the numerous people below. I think I see two of them arguing over something. One is holding something in their hand. The other is trying to prove his innocence I guess from the way he was moving.
I allow myself a grin. Just another life I happened to screw up. I stand up and brush myself off. I dig into my other pocket and find my lighter. As I pulled it out, a cig falls out and rolls close to the edge and teeters, but refuses to go over. I stare at it, wondering if it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be up here; that God is trying to give me a second chance. I pick it up and look at it.
“I’m sorry. To all of you,” I whisper to it.
Flick.
Light.
Inhale.
Step off.
As I fall twenty-five stories, I can still feel it in my hands, trying to catch a ride in the wind. I rotate so my back is facing the rising pavement.
Close my eyes.
Exhale.
Wonder how much this is gonna hurt when I land.
Wonder who I’m gonna meet once the inferno catches my soul.
Wonder if they-
I, who swore to protect them.
I, who promised nothing but the best.
I, who give them the sweetest honey coated words.
Words that became venom, leading me to my own self-destruction.
In the end, I knew it wouldn’t last. I tried to show them love, but somewhere along the way, lust killed the love and became its negative, turning everything we worked hard to create to dust. Worse part was, I had the power to stop it….but I didn’t. Just like a whore, I allowed it to control me, all for the pleasure, just without payment.
Another long drag. Another exhale.
It wasn’t fair to them. I knew that. I treated them good at first, like sex dolls the next. I tried to break the chain, but it was unending. At least that’s the way it seemed. It was just innocent and playful. Soon it became a hunger, and from that, an addiction. I caused damage. Not only to them, but to me……
God, I’m scum.
I try to take another drag, but I notice that I’m burning the filter now. I throw the nub over the edge of the roof and fish around in my pocket for the carton. It’s empty. Sighing I throw it over the roof as well. Guess it makes for perfect irony. I take my last smoke moments before my last breath. I look down, eyeing the numerous people below. I think I see two of them arguing over something. One is holding something in their hand. The other is trying to prove his innocence I guess from the way he was moving.
I allow myself a grin. Just another life I happened to screw up. I stand up and brush myself off. I dig into my other pocket and find my lighter. As I pulled it out, a cig falls out and rolls close to the edge and teeters, but refuses to go over. I stare at it, wondering if it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be up here; that God is trying to give me a second chance. I pick it up and look at it.
“I’m sorry. To all of you,” I whisper to it.
Flick.
Light.
Inhale.
Step off.
As I fall twenty-five stories, I can still feel it in my hands, trying to catch a ride in the wind. I rotate so my back is facing the rising pavement.
Close my eyes.
Exhale.
Wonder how much this is gonna hurt when I land.
Wonder who I’m gonna meet once the inferno catches my soul.
Wonder if they-
