My girfriend is a badass mecha pilot?
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I'm currently thinking of working on a visual novel but as for now I,m looking for opinions on what I've got so far and I’ll try to add some pictures next time
Anyway the theme is "what if your girlfriend was a mecha pilot"
Plot:
what I have so far..
Seiji was just living his life peacefully when his sisters(one is a teacher, the other a highschooler) asked him to live with them in Tokyo. On his was to his new school he then witnesses a girl take off in a mecha to fight an enemy (the girl and the enemy he sees depends on the players’ choices and it also negates the “1st girl is best girl logic which a lot of harem anime have”). In his new school then accidentally finds a top secret club full of mecha pilots (including the one he met earlier) who then invites him to join in order to keep their secret from the public and to help them fight against their enemies.
Characters
1.Seiji Izayoi : an otaku who has a carefree nonchalant personality. He has good grades but just doesn't give a damn. He is then revealed to have the ability to open dimension gates which he got after realizing the potentials of human to alter reality. An ability which the 5 enemies want to gain access to the “Great Being” an entity capable of destroying and recreating universes and realities.
F[size=10]un fact: the Great Being is actually based on the final villain in one of my older stories "Metal Evolver Zeifirius" the Great Entity (except this one rides on a mecha made up of billions of stacked up, distorted parralel universes. Good thing the Zeifirius was able to rider kick it out of the akashic records and alters the laws of the universe to make it impossible for something like that to exist again.
[/h]
Heroines:
As for now there are 6 heroines (2 of them share a route)
1. Takako Izumi: an introverted young genius scientist who is currently struggling to fight off an evil terrorist organization “Falco” who wants to steal her father’s work and use it for evil . Although she has a non different expression most of the time, She is actually a bit irritable and a weirdo testing her inventions on the others every once in a while but that just because she has no knowledge on dealing with people.
Pilots the super robot Gearbrave and God Gearbrave(represents super robots like Mazinger Z)
2. Fuuka Tsukuyomi: An agent from a top secret,hi tech mafia gang who does her best to take over her family’s business and protect their teritory and its people from their rivals. Has a rather boyish look and is often mistaken as male. Has many fans in the female student body. Pilots the prototype mecha Wynslain and Wynslain Zephyr ( represents trooper type mechas like gundams and macross)
3. Mako Morikaze: An alien from that was sent to protect the earth alongside her twin sister Maki from invaders. Is very shy and a bit of a coward although she WILL fight to the death if she has to. Pilots the Thunderous Stagbeater which combines with the Rhinobeater to form Rhinobattler/ Rhinobattler Flame or Stagbattler/ Stagbattler Storm
4. Maki Morikaze: An alien from that was sent to protect the earth alongside her twin sister Mako from invaders. Has a very cold , strict samurai-like personality especially to her sister but does have a soft spot for cute things. Pilots the flaming Rhinobeater which combines with the Stagbeater to form either Rhinobattler/ Rhinobattler Flame or Stagbattler/ Stagbattler Storm (represents combiner mechas like Getter)
5.Keiko Kusanagi- The nerdy looking class president of her class . She was chosen to protect the earth from mutants that were thought to have been destroyed years ago after an experiment gone wrong. pilots(sort of) the Burstlinger / Blitz Burstlinger a high powered battle suit which come with an assortment of weapons for different situations (represents power armors like those in infinite stratos, amdriver and of course ironman
6. Mina Sakura- a quiet, spacey and rather airheaded girl who refers to herself in 3rd person. She was adopted by the rich Sakura family and seems to have no idea on emotions and common sense and show curiosity in a lot of things. She is actually a being made up of a colony of nano machines and by fusing and absorbing metals around her she transforms into Gildragon / Gilbreaker a “living” mecha capable of transforming metals around her into powerful weapons ( represents the pilot 2 mecha series like Tekkaman with a touch of evangelion and somewhat Ultraman) to fight against her fellow “Nano entities” who want to destroy all biotic life on earth and replace it with their own metallic utopia.
Well what do you think?
Anyway the theme is "what if your girlfriend was a mecha pilot"
Plot:
what I have so far..
Seiji was just living his life peacefully when his sisters(one is a teacher, the other a highschooler) asked him to live with them in Tokyo. On his was to his new school he then witnesses a girl take off in a mecha to fight an enemy (the girl and the enemy he sees depends on the players’ choices and it also negates the “1st girl is best girl logic which a lot of harem anime have”). In his new school then accidentally finds a top secret club full of mecha pilots (including the one he met earlier) who then invites him to join in order to keep their secret from the public and to help them fight against their enemies.
Characters
1.Seiji Izayoi : an otaku who has a carefree nonchalant personality. He has good grades but just doesn't give a damn. He is then revealed to have the ability to open dimension gates which he got after realizing the potentials of human to alter reality. An ability which the 5 enemies want to gain access to the “Great Being” an entity capable of destroying and recreating universes and realities.
F[size=10]un fact: the Great Being is actually based on the final villain in one of my older stories "Metal Evolver Zeifirius" the Great Entity (except this one rides on a mecha made up of billions of stacked up, distorted parralel universes. Good thing the Zeifirius was able to rider kick it out of the akashic records and alters the laws of the universe to make it impossible for something like that to exist again.
[/h]
Heroines:
As for now there are 6 heroines (2 of them share a route)
1. Takako Izumi: an introverted young genius scientist who is currently struggling to fight off an evil terrorist organization “Falco” who wants to steal her father’s work and use it for evil . Although she has a non different expression most of the time, She is actually a bit irritable and a weirdo testing her inventions on the others every once in a while but that just because she has no knowledge on dealing with people.
Pilots the super robot Gearbrave and God Gearbrave(represents super robots like Mazinger Z)
2. Fuuka Tsukuyomi: An agent from a top secret,hi tech mafia gang who does her best to take over her family’s business and protect their teritory and its people from their rivals. Has a rather boyish look and is often mistaken as male. Has many fans in the female student body. Pilots the prototype mecha Wynslain and Wynslain Zephyr ( represents trooper type mechas like gundams and macross)
3. Mako Morikaze: An alien from that was sent to protect the earth alongside her twin sister Maki from invaders. Is very shy and a bit of a coward although she WILL fight to the death if she has to. Pilots the Thunderous Stagbeater which combines with the Rhinobeater to form Rhinobattler/ Rhinobattler Flame or Stagbattler/ Stagbattler Storm
4. Maki Morikaze: An alien from that was sent to protect the earth alongside her twin sister Mako from invaders. Has a very cold , strict samurai-like personality especially to her sister but does have a soft spot for cute things. Pilots the flaming Rhinobeater which combines with the Stagbeater to form either Rhinobattler/ Rhinobattler Flame or Stagbattler/ Stagbattler Storm (represents combiner mechas like Getter)
5.Keiko Kusanagi- The nerdy looking class president of her class . She was chosen to protect the earth from mutants that were thought to have been destroyed years ago after an experiment gone wrong. pilots(sort of) the Burstlinger / Blitz Burstlinger a high powered battle suit which come with an assortment of weapons for different situations (represents power armors like those in infinite stratos, amdriver and of course ironman
6. Mina Sakura- a quiet, spacey and rather airheaded girl who refers to herself in 3rd person. She was adopted by the rich Sakura family and seems to have no idea on emotions and common sense and show curiosity in a lot of things. She is actually a being made up of a colony of nano machines and by fusing and absorbing metals around her she transforms into Gildragon / Gilbreaker a “living” mecha capable of transforming metals around her into powerful weapons ( represents the pilot 2 mecha series like Tekkaman with a touch of evangelion and somewhat Ultraman) to fight against her fellow “Nano entities” who want to destroy all biotic life on earth and replace it with their own metallic utopia.
Well what do you think?
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... it sounds really generic. Make the male protagonist a pop idol and maybe you might have something.
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xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Dish out some work. There can only be one way to find out if it'll actually be good or not right?~
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Your main cats sound generic , but maybe thats because you did nutshells to save space. Dang I just finish reading your working plot, so, so generic. Nothing that would stand out against the others out there, maybe if you changed up the plot. Instead of having that "we live an mech world" typical sense to it, spruce it up. Like make your main cat evil, or someone who was destined for some else. But has to backtrack to finish some unsettled business. Example: he was the #1 rank mech pilot, but girl comes steal it all away from him.( a come back story). Anyways feel free to bounce ideas off of us here.
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Go for it. yeah it may be a little generic, but that's okay there's nothing wrong with that. I'm currently writing a very generic story about a mans relationship with a cat girl. yeah it may be thrown around alot, but its cool to add another spin to a fav, and it will be another story under your belt, and more experience for you as a writer.
btw love mechs.
btw love mechs.
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mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
I'll comment. Actually I didn't want to because I couldn't find anything positive to say, but now that I found one, so I'll say it. Along with all the negatives.
First and foremost, post some damn chapters. It's the only way to accurately judge your work and if this idea of yours is worth anything at all. While this advice, if heeded, can either prove other points to follow or make me look silly for being wrong, it is still the most important so I'm putting it first.
Second, I won't bother talking about your cast being generic, it's unoriginal blah blah (btw, it is generic). I believe writing is a lot like cooking and just as we're not likely to find any new ingredient these days, it's really hard to find anything original in written works. Whenever you find anything that seems original I'm fairly certain that it's just your ignorance, and not the content being totally new. There is another part to cooking that writing is similar. The quality of the work rests entirely on how you whip all those elements together. Now, onto your plot summary, which is based on whatever I could comprehend from the entirety of your posts. Do point out where I'm wrong, I will adjust my opinions accordingly. Boy they suck. No story with a ridiculously convoluted setting that aims only to be a harem/romcom will be good. I'm making a big claim here, again please prove me wrong, but I'm fairly sure odds are on my side. Harem/romcom is by nature lighthearted, humorous etc and focuses on tickling the audience with the quirky interactions of its characters. While complex settings demand you to focus on solemn plots, for you to focus on certain aspects of it while going as far with the events as you possibly could while sticking with the rules you as the creator laid out yourself. Now these sound contradictory to me. Whenever put together, whatever you do you will end up destroying one or the other. Often the setting, since it's far harder to think of complex chain of events than to have a perverted character grope the tsundere's boobs. Oh, and also because you totally have time to be a nerdy class rep while having a part-time job protecting the planet from mutants.
On sticking with the rules you laid out as the creator/author. Another word for it is being realistic. Now I'm not talking about 'realistic' as it is normally used, but I'm talking about sticking to whatever rules you laid out for the world you have and never violate them. Ever. If you must, do it very subtly. It's a huge minus points if your readers notice. And if a sufficiently intelligent reader likes your story enough to give it a proper read, they will notice. Anyway, onto your world building. ...do you even know what you're talking about? The way I see it, you're just stringing cool-sounding words together and call it an amazing storyline. Hey, mix delicious things together and the result will turn out delicious right? ...yeah, let's go to the next point. Oh, before that, I'm not saying that it's impossible to come up with a world setting that is coherent but still allows all the things you mentioned. Just like it's not impossible for a 5 years old kid to prove the Riemann's theorem, just extremely unlikely.
Characterization. Won't bother with commenting what I think of your lineup since if you care to read and understand the above points, you should get the idea automatically. I'll just tell you that characters are only part of it. They may have the most socially pleasant personalities, whatever else perfection you may want to give, but if they're not put in the appropriate situations where the readers can judge whether they shine or not, they are still empty icons. And since there's no work posted such an assessment can't be made.
Okay done with the negatives. Or maybe I just forgot what else I wanted to say or I'm just lazy. Please note that the lack of swear words is only because I think none would do justice to the negatives I said.
Now to the only positive. Please, please prove me wrong. For all the negatives I mentioned and how unlikely I think it is for you to come with a story worth reading with this kind of setup, much less a good one or awe-inspiring, I would always welcome a good read. Oh yes, I can understand how my posts can be seen as too harsh and/or too serious, but it is only because I think unless a story takes itself seriously, no reader will.
Oh and I'm not a stellar author myself and my works do have their weaknesses, a lot of them. It is the lack of my ability as an author that I couldn't avoid them so if you found any, please kindly point them out. There's always room for improvement for all of us.
First and foremost, post some damn chapters. It's the only way to accurately judge your work and if this idea of yours is worth anything at all. While this advice, if heeded, can either prove other points to follow or make me look silly for being wrong, it is still the most important so I'm putting it first.
Second, I won't bother talking about your cast being generic, it's unoriginal blah blah (btw, it is generic). I believe writing is a lot like cooking and just as we're not likely to find any new ingredient these days, it's really hard to find anything original in written works. Whenever you find anything that seems original I'm fairly certain that it's just your ignorance, and not the content being totally new. There is another part to cooking that writing is similar. The quality of the work rests entirely on how you whip all those elements together. Now, onto your plot summary, which is based on whatever I could comprehend from the entirety of your posts. Do point out where I'm wrong, I will adjust my opinions accordingly. Boy they suck. No story with a ridiculously convoluted setting that aims only to be a harem/romcom will be good. I'm making a big claim here, again please prove me wrong, but I'm fairly sure odds are on my side. Harem/romcom is by nature lighthearted, humorous etc and focuses on tickling the audience with the quirky interactions of its characters. While complex settings demand you to focus on solemn plots, for you to focus on certain aspects of it while going as far with the events as you possibly could while sticking with the rules you as the creator laid out yourself. Now these sound contradictory to me. Whenever put together, whatever you do you will end up destroying one or the other. Often the setting, since it's far harder to think of complex chain of events than to have a perverted character grope the tsundere's boobs. Oh, and also because you totally have time to be a nerdy class rep while having a part-time job protecting the planet from mutants.
On sticking with the rules you laid out as the creator/author. Another word for it is being realistic. Now I'm not talking about 'realistic' as it is normally used, but I'm talking about sticking to whatever rules you laid out for the world you have and never violate them. Ever. If you must, do it very subtly. It's a huge minus points if your readers notice. And if a sufficiently intelligent reader likes your story enough to give it a proper read, they will notice. Anyway, onto your world building. ...do you even know what you're talking about? The way I see it, you're just stringing cool-sounding words together and call it an amazing storyline. Hey, mix delicious things together and the result will turn out delicious right? ...yeah, let's go to the next point. Oh, before that, I'm not saying that it's impossible to come up with a world setting that is coherent but still allows all the things you mentioned. Just like it's not impossible for a 5 years old kid to prove the Riemann's theorem, just extremely unlikely.
Characterization. Won't bother with commenting what I think of your lineup since if you care to read and understand the above points, you should get the idea automatically. I'll just tell you that characters are only part of it. They may have the most socially pleasant personalities, whatever else perfection you may want to give, but if they're not put in the appropriate situations where the readers can judge whether they shine or not, they are still empty icons. And since there's no work posted such an assessment can't be made.
Okay done with the negatives. Or maybe I just forgot what else I wanted to say or I'm just lazy. Please note that the lack of swear words is only because I think none would do justice to the negatives I said.
Now to the only positive. Please, please prove me wrong. For all the negatives I mentioned and how unlikely I think it is for you to come with a story worth reading with this kind of setup, much less a good one or awe-inspiring, I would always welcome a good read. Oh yes, I can understand how my posts can be seen as too harsh and/or too serious, but it is only because I think unless a story takes itself seriously, no reader will.
Oh and I'm not a stellar author myself and my works do have their weaknesses, a lot of them. It is the lack of my ability as an author that I couldn't avoid them so if you found any, please kindly point them out. There's always room for improvement for all of us.