My Name is Lucifer - Who the Hell Are You?
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Well, I was on my laptop, tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard, and considering what tomorrow has in store for me, when the title of this story popped into my head. I decided that it was too good an opportunity to miss, so I opened Microsoft Word and started typing. So far, I've only got the prologue, I may want to lengthen it, I may not, but read it and give me some feedback - I'm more than happy to hear what all of you have to say. There will probably be typos since I haven't had a chance to proof read it yet, but tell me if you spot anything.
Prologue
There upon the clouds stood a small, lonesome figure. He glared out at all of the other children, feeling sick in his stomach at the sound of their constant giggling as they played in the nude.
The boy shaded his eyes against the glare of the Sun, as the clouds parted slightly beneath him. “God”, he thought, “It’s always so bright and cheerful up here, why not allow us a little gloom with some rain, thunder and lightning? I grow weary of this... Perfection, as the others call it.”
Feeling a hand being placed upon his shoulder, the child welled up with warmth inside. Without turning around, or even glancing back, the boy casually spoke, “Father, I know that you are everywhere at the same time, but this is ridiculous. Your presence is most disturbing. Just being near you I feel hot under the collar, but when you so much as breathe on me, my whole body becomes feverish and it sweats much like it would in a sauna.”
The old man looked down at the curiously fascinating child, and feeling a smile touch his own lips he said, “It is only the way you say because that is how you interpret it, my son. In your case, however, it would appear that you view more than one matter in a different light, correct? Your mother must be a remarkable woman, for she has brought you up to be a bright young boy.”
“Ha!” snorted the diminutive boy, “I bet you say that to all the other children. Little do they realise that it’s because you bed their mothers, that you treat them in such a high manner. I may not be like all the other youths around here, but that is because I refuse to be pleased with petty lies. Oh, and by the way, the woman who happened to conceive me did not bring my up to be a bright boy. I can see the truth, and that makes me darker than you could possibly imagine.”
For a moment, the tall standing man gazed down at the enigma below him, letting the boy’s words sink in. Then he started laughing, bending down and placing his hands on his knees to provide himself with support.
The boy sighed. “Father, do not mock me with your laughter” said the child, feeling irritated.
Immediately the seemingly feeble man ceased his expression of amusement, and, turning the tiny child around to face him, he bent down so that he was eye-level with the being opposite him. He felt his own face involuntarily grimace for a split second, before returning to its former, calm expression.
Not seeing his elder flinch, but curious as to why he turned him around, the boy inquired, “What is it, Father?”
“What is your name, little one?” asked the man, his elderly quality fading away.
The child eyed the being before him precariously and said, “What hidden message are you trying to give me? You know that no one has a name unless you have reason with which to bestow them one.”
“I speak no riddle,” replied the man now full to the brim with vigour, “You do have a name, or at least you will when I make you an archangel.”
The infant looked straight into the old man’s eyes incredulously, “An archangel, Father? I am at your service, O Lord” said he, bowing his head.
Then raising himself to his full height, and shining with power, the man announced in a booming voice that surprisingly no one but the youth in front of him and himself could hear, “I, the Lord your God, bestow you with the power to bring forth light. I anoint you archangel, and now rise as… Lucifer!”
Sitting on his throne of golden rays of light and every variety of cloud, God, the most supreme being since the beginning time, felt that Lucifer was no ordinary angel, as was proved true when his own self had spoken to the minor somewhere upon the clouds of Heaven.
God shuddered. “Those eyes… So cold, dark and distant. However, I saw a faint flicker of light in them, and as long as I know what I saw, there is still hope” he thought to himself as he gently closed his eyes, slipping into the realm of dreams.
Prologue
There upon the clouds stood a small, lonesome figure. He glared out at all of the other children, feeling sick in his stomach at the sound of their constant giggling as they played in the nude.
The boy shaded his eyes against the glare of the Sun, as the clouds parted slightly beneath him. “God”, he thought, “It’s always so bright and cheerful up here, why not allow us a little gloom with some rain, thunder and lightning? I grow weary of this... Perfection, as the others call it.”
Feeling a hand being placed upon his shoulder, the child welled up with warmth inside. Without turning around, or even glancing back, the boy casually spoke, “Father, I know that you are everywhere at the same time, but this is ridiculous. Your presence is most disturbing. Just being near you I feel hot under the collar, but when you so much as breathe on me, my whole body becomes feverish and it sweats much like it would in a sauna.”
The old man looked down at the curiously fascinating child, and feeling a smile touch his own lips he said, “It is only the way you say because that is how you interpret it, my son. In your case, however, it would appear that you view more than one matter in a different light, correct? Your mother must be a remarkable woman, for she has brought you up to be a bright young boy.”
“Ha!” snorted the diminutive boy, “I bet you say that to all the other children. Little do they realise that it’s because you bed their mothers, that you treat them in such a high manner. I may not be like all the other youths around here, but that is because I refuse to be pleased with petty lies. Oh, and by the way, the woman who happened to conceive me did not bring my up to be a bright boy. I can see the truth, and that makes me darker than you could possibly imagine.”
For a moment, the tall standing man gazed down at the enigma below him, letting the boy’s words sink in. Then he started laughing, bending down and placing his hands on his knees to provide himself with support.
The boy sighed. “Father, do not mock me with your laughter” said the child, feeling irritated.
Immediately the seemingly feeble man ceased his expression of amusement, and, turning the tiny child around to face him, he bent down so that he was eye-level with the being opposite him. He felt his own face involuntarily grimace for a split second, before returning to its former, calm expression.
Not seeing his elder flinch, but curious as to why he turned him around, the boy inquired, “What is it, Father?”
“What is your name, little one?” asked the man, his elderly quality fading away.
The child eyed the being before him precariously and said, “What hidden message are you trying to give me? You know that no one has a name unless you have reason with which to bestow them one.”
“I speak no riddle,” replied the man now full to the brim with vigour, “You do have a name, or at least you will when I make you an archangel.”
The infant looked straight into the old man’s eyes incredulously, “An archangel, Father? I am at your service, O Lord” said he, bowing his head.
Then raising himself to his full height, and shining with power, the man announced in a booming voice that surprisingly no one but the youth in front of him and himself could hear, “I, the Lord your God, bestow you with the power to bring forth light. I anoint you archangel, and now rise as… Lucifer!”
Sitting on his throne of golden rays of light and every variety of cloud, God, the most supreme being since the beginning time, felt that Lucifer was no ordinary angel, as was proved true when his own self had spoken to the minor somewhere upon the clouds of Heaven.
God shuddered. “Those eyes… So cold, dark and distant. However, I saw a faint flicker of light in them, and as long as I know what I saw, there is still hope” he thought to himself as he gently closed his eyes, slipping into the realm of dreams.
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Interesting... a story about the Devil's origin? I haven't read something like that yet...
Well anyway, the idea of the story was interesting. The plot would go deep(considering the prologue). There were a few typos but no worries, it did not affect the story. The setting is strong as were the characters. That is a good point and i'm happy to say that the descriptions of Lucifer's evil is quite good. But keep in mind that a strong setting and character is harder to bring alive, so keep in mind when writing and try to give as much details as possible.
I think i'll rate this a 7.0/10.0 but i think this story has a lot of potential so keep writing :)
Well anyway, the idea of the story was interesting. The plot would go deep(considering the prologue). There were a few typos but no worries, it did not affect the story. The setting is strong as were the characters. That is a good point and i'm happy to say that the descriptions of Lucifer's evil is quite good. But keep in mind that a strong setting and character is harder to bring alive, so keep in mind when writing and try to give as much details as possible.
I think i'll rate this a 7.0/10.0 but i think this story has a lot of potential so keep writing :)
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Damienthedevil wrote...
Interesting... a story about the Devil's origin? I haven't read something like that yet...Well anyway, the idea of the story was interesting. The plot would go deep(considering the prologue). There were a few typos but no worries, it did not affect the story. The setting is strong as were the characters. That is a good point and i'm happy to say that the descriptions of Lucifer's evil is quite good. But keep in mind that a strong setting and character is harder to bring alive, so keep in mind when writing and try to give as much details as possible.
I think i'll rate this a 7.0/10.0 but i think this story has a lot of potential so keep writing :)
Thanks, but it's not quite the Devil's origin. I was considering linking this with stories in the Bible, but instead I've decided to put him in modern times. Or post modern times, haven't quite chosen one of the two yet. So as you may guess then, the story won't be set in Heaven, (at least for much of the novel) but rather Earth, some in Hell, and maybe, just maybe, Heaven as well.
And on the evil part... Well... I don't know what to say without revealing something of Lucifer's character. Oh well, I'll probably put it in Chapter 1. I'll try getting through it on the weekend.
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Damienthedevil wrote...
I think i'll rate this a 7.0/10.0 but i think this story has a lot of potential so keep writing :)I think I'll rate it 10/10.
Unlike some people in this particular part of the forum, this is cute.
Also: : ) Chobits avatar.
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I don't really like kind of story that tell about the Bible story.
Just remind you, don't write things that opposite with the real story.
As for me, i ever fall to the world of "anti-christ" before, so i don't know how to respond to this story. I will just see how the things going. And if something wrong happen, i will tell you, that if you believe in god.
But until now, just like Hibia said, it's great. Keep going ^^
Just remind you, don't write things that opposite with the real story.
As for me, i ever fall to the world of "anti-christ" before, so i don't know how to respond to this story. I will just see how the things going. And if something wrong happen, i will tell you, that if you believe in god.
But until now, just like Hibia said, it's great. Keep going ^^
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Just because it's about the Devil doesn't make this a Bible story. I don't want it to be terribly related. I plan to move on from the whole Bible thing, get to modern times so I can make up my own material.
Oh, and not wanting to make this a religious thread, I am christian, and this is fiction, so don't let it go affecting whatever personal beliefs you may have.
Bah, time is never my friend. Time to write shall be coming up soon, say in a couple of weeks maybe.
Oh, and not wanting to make this a religious thread, I am christian, and this is fiction, so don't let it go affecting whatever personal beliefs you may have.
Bah, time is never my friend. Time to write shall be coming up soon, say in a couple of weeks maybe.
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well, yeah. Even you said you don't want to make this a bible like story, and said this is a fiction, but "The fact" that u used Lucifer's name affect how i think. Also, you write that he is originally an archangel, that means this is not full fiction.
And that might affect the "religious people" like me. XD
And that might affect the "religious people" like me. XD
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Well, I told myself when I started out on this that I'd try keep everything that would have had a part in the Bible accurate, so I'll attempt to stay true to that. Feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong, because I'm writing based on my recollection of what I've read in the Bible.
Oh, and just as a foreword, Lucifer is the protagonist of this story, so I don't plan on depicting him as evil. Well, as evil as he is said to be.
Oh, and just as a foreword, Lucifer is the protagonist of this story, so I don't plan on depicting him as evil. Well, as evil as he is said to be.
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Deft-Monkey wrote...
Oh, and just as a foreword, Lucifer is the protagonist of this story, so I don't plan on depicting him as evil. Well, as evil as he is said to be.
That will be frightening to me, as you might know anti-christ is also used Lucifer as the protagonist.
Must i explain of how anti-christ work(I did learn so many thing about it)? i don't think so.. But one think, anti-christ still believe in Jesus. So everyone can be one, even he think that he is holy.
Everything still based on how you turn the story to be, i will try to correct the wrong things.
But, If you insist on something false , then i just can ignore it >.<
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Deft-Monkey wrote...
Heh, emo... How amusing. I don't plan on succumbing to a story.wait.. i'm not emo, kay?
i'm just care for my friend. That's all.