My New Story

Hey, guys, AvantGuardian here, and I'm trying to become an author! Now, I can't really publish my novel yet, but IT WILL BE EPIC. It's the story of an inter dimensional society that watches over all the universes. The first three novels will revolve around a planet named Ethercos. The planet is covered in lush vegetation, with a canopy so thick no technology can see through the treetops. The planet has four cuboid moons, names not yet settled. The main characters are a human named Hinoa, a Scylla couple, a Fury, a Mantis, and a Dragon. Hinoa is single but has great aspirations, but currently is a lieutenant in the society's army. The Scylla couple's names are Tomoki, the male, and Navuran, the female. Navuran is the dominant of the couple, and strongly resembles the Scylla from Horitomo's work. She is a battle mechanic, and currently is on freelance duty, meaning she can take on whatever missions she likes. She is a Master Chief Petty Officer, which is one stage above a lieutenant. A lieutenant commands three infantry, a MCPO commands three lieutenants, a captain commands three MCPO's, and a General commands 27 captains. All Generals report to Samuel, the leader of the 37'th offshoot of the society. Her husband, Tomoki, is shy, and while friendly, gets extremely flustered at the mention of children or sex. He is a biologist, anthropologist, and archeologist. The Fury's name is Asagi, and he resembles Teru Mikami, but with ice-blue eyes. Furies have the ability to shift into a foglike state, where they are invulnerable, but move extremely slowly. He can also summon weapons and armor from another dimension, which usually take the form of runes wrapping around his body. The Mantis's name is undecided, but suggestions are welcome. She only communicates through her husband, never shows facial emotion, and her feelings can only be deducted by her husband. That's all for now, I'll post the rest tomorrow!

And we care because...?

It's not even a discussion. Dude, unless you have something for us to read, don't make threads like an advertisement for a book of yours, which we probably can't or won't have a copy.

Dawn of dark sounds harsh, but there's some truth in what he's saying. You're better off just posting the story or a prologue with a short description. Leave the storytelling to the story right~?

Sorry if I was harsh, but dude, I think he doesn't intend to post the story at all?

Hey come on. He's that confident that IT WILL BE EPIC. Give the dude a chance to prove himself.

Speaking of which, a mediocre writer here thinks your work will probably suck if that's how you describe it.

Sorry, wife nagging at me to get the CRV repaired. I'll post it tonight.

Alright, here's part 1: Tomoki's viewpoint. This starts out from before Tomoki and Navuran's marriage.
Chapter One: Innocence

As you walk slowly through the park with your Scyllan classmates, your thoughts start wandering to the past. You were a squid-class Scylla, with 12 long squid appendages where a human would have two legs. You were much stronger, faster, and smarter, to the point of making football players look like slugs bashing into each other, and while you usually kept your tentacles out in the ocean, you and your classmates had been forced to create a makeshift Mirage spell that made them look like ordinary human beings.
"Ai, Tomoki!" you hear. "Watch out!"
You slam head first into a person, straight into her airbags.
"Gah!" you exclaim as you reel back from the collision. "I'm so so-"
You are cut off as her fist slams straight into your gut, sending you flying halfway across the park until your flight path coincides with an oak tree. As you pass out, the last you think is "Just like..."
And you spiral into darkness.
Chapter Two: Pervert
As you stride briskly toward the man you sent flying across the park, you notice a group of humans desperately trying to drag him off- to the hospital, presumably. But, as soon as they see you get close, their eyes widen, and they hightail it out of there like a horse from a wildfire. That isn't really a problem, though. For in the Scyllan species, men were only half as efficient as women. So while they huffed and puffed to do 160, you practically walked to them and pinched the bases of their necks, cutting off bloodflow to a vein and rendering them unconscious. As you and your sister prepared to haul them off to the jail, you pause. There was something about the one she had knocked first that struck a chord somewhere in her soul. Also, how could human men run 160 mph? So, you take 5 under your arms and tentacles, help your sister to carry the rest, and then drag their unconscious bodies to the hospital.
Chapter Three: Marriage
As you sit down in the hospital chair, you start thinking it might have been a better idea to just kill the human. You've been forced to wait for hours as human run back a forth between questioning you, and checking if he is still alive. Finally, the human's family show up. The first you do is walk up and say "Your son is a perverted son of a starfish." Then you turn 180 degrees, and make a brisk beeline for the exit.
"Wait!" you hear the father call. " The man you almost killed..."
"Yes?" you ask, pausing at the door.
"He's Tomoki."

I didn't say anything about it's going to suck. Just saying that I think most of us probably wouldn't care about posts like the first post of this topic in this forum. He has posted those first parts, so it's a different story now, but I was just saying that if you're not going to give any one here a real story, go post it somewhere else. I know you're an experienced writer and an active member here, and I respect you for that, but I have to disagree with you on how this guy present his work.

As for you, AvantGuardian, I think those first part have potential, but it's kinda... too short? How many times do you see a book with every chapter ends after, like, 8 to 10 lines?

...what.



Active pretty much means I lack other things to do, not really respectable lol.



Admittedly it was simply hunch, but he just proved it by posting his bits. How his earlier description was all about the characters and not the characterization, almost nothing on the setting and flow etc etc. I could go on but I'd rather not this post be a "here's the reason you suck" post so I'll stop.

Oh for Avant, I think you might want to do more with each chapter. How do you do that is up to you, as this is your story, but the chapters really do need to contain more story in them.

And the posts should be more readable too.

Sorry, like I said, I've never written a book. The sex comes up next, so stay tuned!

BTW, could you explain what you mean by 'more readable'?

Okay I'm not putting it on a strict manner but please avoid making double / triple posts just for making a new reply, use the quote button instead. Since the multi-quote function isn't available, just quote each reply you had, and put them all within a single post

If these people aren't making it clear enough, being more readable means

1. Avoid these pain-in-the-ass wall of texts, I don't know if you're okay with reading this but I think you should be more considerate of these other readers who can't really stand these things (especially on your first post).

2. Work out on the spacing and paragraphing, instead of stacking everything on a giant chunk of text, separate them into many short paragraphs with a single space, preferably when the text was about 4 or 6 lines, less might be okay but not much more than that, just my personal preference.

3. I don't have much to say about your grammar and punctuation because I didn't read everything you just write for things that I just mentioned in the previous points. Sorry but I'm pretty inconsiderate as a reader and I'm basically intolerant of stuff.

It's probably not in my own right to butt in, but well, I should do this once in a while~

What he said. Dude, learn more about the forum before you ever decide to post anything.

Well, for all the shit talk I did, I am quite looking forward to your sex chapter. While your work is too short and as far as you've posted contains not much substance, your writing is quite good. The language is better than mine (don't get proud, I'm not much of an opponent) and overall the work is quite smooth. Which means, with enough eroticism, your sex chapter should be a good read.

Just be careful about the numbers and your wording. Try to make it simple and minimize "in-speaking". For example, I have no idea what 'do 160' means. Oh, and the caps. Save that for things that need it. "Mirage" is a specific term for the story or just a word? If it's the latter, then it should be mirage.

As for readability, it's really just about the spacing.

160 means 160 mph, Mirage is a kind of spell that can make one thing look like another. I'll post the sex tonight, but please try not to beat me to death over my inexperienced writing.

Oh, spell name. I missed that. Must've been skimming too much then. Anyway I won't expect much outta the sex chapter, other than it simply being sex, but I think this can go well if you rework it so that it contains more substance. Just read through the posts above, ignore the hostility and useless trash and pick up the constructive part. Oh yes, 'take 5' irritates the hell outta me. I know what you mean, but it seems so... improper.

As for beating you to death... psh, that's the fun of it. Been a while since I wanted to post anything at all in this section (barring my works, obviously, but they're not getting any read rofl) so yeah. :3

Alright, obviously this chapter won't be in the complete book, since this is a young adult novel. Also, instead of three chapters, the viewpoint will just change up until the end of the part I posted. So, consider all the previous matter the first chapter!

Tomoki: As you walk home from the college, you think you feel something watching you, but you don't have time to pay attention. You quickly walk into a back alley and run smack into the person you're looking for: Trader Johnny. While quite a civilized human being, circumstances had forced him onto the streets, and after a scandal last year involving adopted humans, the Society wouldn't allow you to bring him home. He looked like a homeless preacher except for the fact that his hat was brown.
"So, Tomoki, the usual?" he asks.
"Yes, thanks," you respond. He pulls a glass bottle out of his robes and hands it to you. You notice the liquid inside is muddy brown, instead f navy blue, like usual. "Hey, what's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, Tomoki," he apologizes. "I need to trade with the Lamiae for more, so take this for now."
Now, you may be wondering why you were talking to a drug dealer. The reason was that he wasn't a drug dealer. The first time you met him, he only had a few potions. Among them was a blue liquid that he claimed was an impotency potion, which would make it impossible to make love. Of course, with Navuran-scy trying to coerce you into bed, this was a godsend. It lasted for two weeks at a time, and like all of his other potions, had no addictive qualities.
"See you around!" You say as you run home, drinking the potion in one gulp. Instantly, you stop. You feel a burning sensation in your extremities, one more intense than the rest. You pass this off as a side effect, and hurry home, oblivious to the eyes watching you from rooftops.

Navuran: As you watch Tomoki slowly walk home, you get onto your DX-27 Makyira Dasher and quickly fly home, as if you had been there this whole time. Everything was in place, and even the potions dealer had cooperated after he heard your tale. Of course, you'll explain everything to Tomoki after the deed was done, but first things first. You quickly run to the third floor and jump into the bedroom, and do your best to look like you're asleep. As Tomoki enters the house you ignore his exclamation of "Navuran-scy!" and concentrate on 'sleeping'. Soon, Tomoki comes upstairs. Noticing your sleeping figure, he tries to tiptoe past the bed into the closet when you catch a whiff of the pheromones exuding from his skin. It immediately prompts your body to start pumping chemicals out as well, and Tomoki turns around, trying to figure out what smells so good. He walks over to you and lightly sniffs your hair, only to gasp as you reach up and pull him into the bed. "Navuran-scy?! You're awake!?"
"Of course, how can I sleep with you seducing me like this?" you say as you pull him into a kiss. At first, you are the only one who seems to be enjoying it. But soon, Tomoki will stop resisting. It said Scylla men were always like this in the books, always trying to put off coitus in the fear that a baby will ruin their relationship. So, women always took the initiative.
As you embrace even tighter, you start using your tentacles to strip off both your clothes and Tomoki's. He notices this and starts protesting, and silence him by planting your lips square on his. As you do this, you gently strip off first your shirts, then your pants, and then finally your underwear. "Navuran-scy-"
"One more '-scy' out of you and I'll break your ribs. Anyway, what did you think would happen, pumping out scents like this when I already can't resist you? You have no one to blame but yourself. Now, calm down, and let's both enjoy this. Else, I will break your ribs if I need to." You then start stripping off his clothes, and as he opens his eyes, he glimpses your naked body. Immediately, you place a hand over you breasts and a tentacle in front of your legs as you say, "Oh? Given in already? Okay then, slow and sweet it is." He tries to not look at your plump figure, but he just can't help it. Immediately, you notice a bulge in his pants. You quickly rip the rest of his clothes off his body, and see his rock-hard member, 6 inches total. You seductively press yourself against his chest as you use your tentacles to stroke his penis, one on the tip and another on the shaft. It doesn't take long for him to start moaning in pleasure, and as precum to start leaking out, you slowly stop. "Na-Navuran? You're satisfied?" he asks, innocently.
"Not until you place that thing in here," you respond, slowly exposing your dripping wet vagina. "This is how you and I will have a child."
"O-okay," he replies, positioning his member at the entrance to your body. "Tell me if it hurts, na?"
As you nod, he slowly starts shoving forward, slower and slower, until he's prodding at your cervix. He slowly hugs you as he gropes your breasts and roughly fondles them, as he pushes harder and harder, in time with your low moans of pleasure, until he's penetrated the barrier, and shoves himself into the last small area of your pussy that he hasn't gotten to yet. Instantly, you feel every part of him inside inside you, and as his thrusts quicken, you start moaning more and more. Quickly, you feel him starting to bubble up.
"Na-Nava-Navuran! I'm gonna-"
" It's okay," you gasp. "Let it out inside me."
As he pumps himself farther and farther inside you, you start feel even more leaking out, until you can't hold back anymore. As your orgasms coincide, his white sperm gushes inside of you, and you both lay there on the bed, exhausted.
"Navuran, are you satisfied?"
"Yes."