November Twenty-Eighth (Poem)
0
I would like criticism on this poem. Just thoughts on word choice, atmosphere, tone, coherency, flow, enjoyable-ness, etc. If possible, do go in depth in regards to it; that would be much appreciated (like how well you can make out the context, and such). Additionally, consider the possibility that these may be used as lyrics for a deathcore song. A bit too sad for a deathcore song imo, but hey, dat possibility.
Spoiler:
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
Poems are not my forté, however I can offer one small comment.
For the line:
"I closed my heart and know not what I had paid."
'had' is unnecessary. I recommend dropping it and the line will still make sense and abide by proper grammar. It's even more important because you're running thin on syllables for that line and I know how important having a steady flow is for poems/lyrics.
I don't think it's too sad, just sing it like Cradle of Filth if they're deathcore. Then again, I don't really know anything deeper than "metal" or "scream" because I've been told by a core fan that CoF are pussies. Hey, I like them. No Time to Cry is amazing. Good luck.
For the line:
"I closed my heart and know not what I had paid."
'had' is unnecessary. I recommend dropping it and the line will still make sense and abide by proper grammar. It's even more important because you're running thin on syllables for that line and I know how important having a steady flow is for poems/lyrics.
I don't think it's too sad, just sing it like Cradle of Filth if they're deathcore. Then again, I don't really know anything deeper than "metal" or "scream" because I've been told by a core fan that CoF are pussies. Hey, I like them. No Time to Cry is amazing. Good luck.
0
ToyManC
Forgot my safe word
First off, you managed to convey your tone and feeling very clearly, and you make clear that this is a journey to overcome the loss of someone you loved. As for clarity, there are a few points that are unclear. Where you said, "Thirty-three before the end anew," is this a testament of age or does it have a deeper meaning?
Overall, you wrote a good poem to express your feelings, but as for putting it to music and turning it into a song there will be some major problems. You didn't ask for technical critiques, but I feel you should hear this one if you plan to look into turning this into song lyrics. There are a lot of changes in metering, and this will be a problem for any musician trying match it with a steady beat.
I hope my opinions helped you, and keep on writing!
Overall, you wrote a good poem to express your feelings, but as for putting it to music and turning it into a song there will be some major problems. You didn't ask for technical critiques, but I feel you should hear this one if you plan to look into turning this into song lyrics. There are a lot of changes in metering, and this will be a problem for any musician trying match it with a steady beat.
I hope my opinions helped you, and keep on writing!