Opinions please :D
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Just made this in like.. 2min.. i was just wanting some feedback.. i kinda wanna add more on to it.. but i feel like if i add more on to it, itd ruin it. Just looking for some second opinions :D
Fine
Leave me all alone
Here in this dark abyss
Forever alone
Pitch black
Slight glow
From the only source of light
The monitor flickers with age
With each flicker the feeling grows
The ever slowly creeping hand of death from behind
The lingering feeling someone is always watching
Chills run my whole body
Constantly looking behind
To only realize nothing is there
Fine
Leave me all alone
Here in this dark abyss
Forever alone
Pitch black
Slight glow
From the only source of light
The monitor flickers with age
With each flicker the feeling grows
The ever slowly creeping hand of death from behind
The lingering feeling someone is always watching
Chills run my whole body
Constantly looking behind
To only realize nothing is there
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I think it'd work better if you'd work on it a little longer... like say, 2 hours? Don't be afraid of cutting pieces and adding pieces. That's how most writers work.
I think the last line is a good ending, but it doesn't feel like you've ended it. It seems like it's not the revelation you were after. It sounds like a revelation, but it also sounds like a matter of fact that I feel to ignore.
I think the last line is a good ending, but it doesn't feel like you've ended it. It seems like it's not the revelation you were after. It sounds like a revelation, but it also sounds like a matter of fact that I feel to ignore.
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Im not an expert on this but I found it nice :D And I agree with what darkblack said, work on it :D
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Im not a fan of working on poetry.. i draw mostly [points to profile pic]. poetry is just something to do :P but thanks for the tips :D ill keep them in mind! <3
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ToyManC
Forgot my safe word
The most important thing is that you are happy with your poetry. One of the best thing about poetry is that it is adaptable to almost any writer's style and needs.
As feedback, I thought the imagery was solid and clearly conveyed. Whether it was intentional, or not, the general lengthening of the lines as you reached the end, added to the building of the feeling of suspense. The only part that gave me pause was when you wrote, 'Pitch black' followed by, 'Slight glow.' I took it to be like when your eyes have to adjust to see in darkness, but that may be a wrong interpretation.
If you do wish to add more, I would enjoy reading more of your work.
As feedback, I thought the imagery was solid and clearly conveyed. Whether it was intentional, or not, the general lengthening of the lines as you reached the end, added to the building of the feeling of suspense. The only part that gave me pause was when you wrote, 'Pitch black' followed by, 'Slight glow.' I took it to be like when your eyes have to adjust to see in darkness, but that may be a wrong interpretation.
If you do wish to add more, I would enjoy reading more of your work.
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Damoz
~Not A User~
Okay... no-one like my poetry anymore but there is reason for that. But onto my comments, i has been a while.
It seems very...brief? not exactly the word i want but still describes it. It has a sort of empty feeling to it, but i could be just being over critical. But i will give you a couple of tips ;)
1) Poetry is no just words, it is an expression of you. Your emotions and who you are. Try to remember that when you write.
2) Don't think about what you are writing, just do so :) Effect can be edited in later.
Now i have finished, it has potential but still needs work ;)
It seems very...brief? not exactly the word i want but still describes it. It has a sort of empty feeling to it, but i could be just being over critical. But i will give you a couple of tips ;)
1) Poetry is no just words, it is an expression of you. Your emotions and who you are. Try to remember that when you write.
2) Don't think about what you are writing, just do so :) Effect can be edited in later.
Now i have finished, it has potential but still needs work ;)
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
DwNecrid wrote...
Fine
Leave me all alone
Here in this dark abyss
Forever alone (lol, but repetition of alone is bad, especially in one stanza.)
Pitch black
Slight glow
From the only source of light
The monitor flickers with age
With each flicker the feeling grows
(the large difference in line lengths, and in fact the difference in time taken to read them between the second and third lines greatly breaks the pacing of the stanza. If there's a point to it I don't see it.)
The ever slowly creeping hand of death from behind
The lingering feeling someone is always watching
Chills run my whole body
Constantly looking behind
To only realize nothing is there
Frankly the time taken to write this is reflected, and I'm sure you're already aware of that. The point is kind of foggy; a character that feels left behind (and is angry at whoever did it) in a dark room with a slight case of paranoia. I'd suggest he buy a light. This is also obviously the first draft. As such this kind of murkiness is expected. If you feel the desire to take more time on it, devote it to re-writing and streamlining what you have before making it longer. Poetry hinges on the choice of words much more than writing does, so you can almost never revise too much. That's actually what I hate about poetry.
I look forward to seeing the following drafts, and seeing the heart of what this is starting to get at.
Also obligatory herp derp 1,000 post get.
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:D <3 so many great tips and critiques :D
Personally i love how so far each person has interpreteded it differently, its the thing i love about poetry.
Ive never been too good at using big words and what not. Though i find i have a incredibly easy time with descriptive writing so that kinda helps :D
@Jericho, about the paranoia. When i was writing this i was thinking about just Grim or Slendy XD but yes, the character is paranoid as hell XD
Personally i love how so far each person has interpreteded it differently, its the thing i love about poetry.
Ive never been too good at using big words and what not. Though i find i have a incredibly easy time with descriptive writing so that kinda helps :D
@Jericho, about the paranoia. When i was writing this i was thinking about just Grim or Slendy XD but yes, the character is paranoid as hell XD
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
In that case I'd definitely recommend using shorter words (and possibly lines) in the third stanza to pick up the pace, and build a small bit of suspense with structure in addition to words.