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Rebirth of Despair and Agony Evolution: Pi Edition 3.14

0
Complete Horizon
11 years ago
Ignore the words "Pi Edition 3.14".

This story is a tragic comedy.

Chapter 1 – One with no place in the world:
Spoiler:
It was raining. Endlessly, drops of clear liquid fell from the sky and struck the dirt and grassy fields. It turned the area slowly into a shallow, muddy marsh. A few tall oak trees with countless green leaves stood gargantuan, above all else in the region. It was a majestic sight, and not one you were able to witness every day, unless you lived in the area. The smaller branches bounced gently as the rain drops struck the leaves and rolled off, only to fall onto other leaves. Dark grey clouds overcast the sky completely.

Occasionally, brief flashes of light were followed by the roaring sound of thunder. A young man with long, straight silver hair, nearly-translucent pale skin, and blue eyes that sparkled like sapphires walked slowly through the shallow marsh, looking up quickly every time the thunder roared, as if paranoid he might get struck by lightning.

His white uniform shirt was partially transparent, due to being thoroughly soaked in rain water. His tie was unkempt and hanging loose. Occasionally it moved from one side to the other as he stumbled. His dark blue pants were also soaked in rain water, but had mud covering the cuffs at the bottom, from trudging through the marsh.

He was trekking from one side of the marsh to the other, where there was a dilapidated, abandoned warehouse, with rotten planks tilted against the outer wall. Plants were overgrowing other parts of the wall, and much of the roof was missing. It stood barely visible through the storm. He thought it would offer slight protection from the raging, torrential downpour, and fierce, blustering winds, which battered him constantly.

He dragged his feet as he entered the filthy, horrible smelling warehouse, with black mold covering portions of the walls, and moss in other parts. There were open boxes containing what appeared to be rotten meat from butchered animals littering parts of the dirt-and-mud floor.

He noticed several other boxes stacked two or three high in one corner of the warehouse. They were completely soaked and covered in mold, due to part of the roof being open over that area. He decided to look through a few. In the fourth box he opened, he found a can opener and some canned food, which only recently expired. He thought he’d give them a try, to prevent him from starving to death.

The cans in the boxes contained green beans and corn; both expired by a few weeks. He decided to eat the corn first, and save the more nutritious green beans for later. As he ate the corn slowly, making sure to thoroughly chew each bite, to get the most nutritional value from each mouth-full, he scanned the rest of the warehouse with his eyes, although in the dim light of the moon, perpetually blotted out by the overcast skies and miserable weather, he couldn't see much.

In the corner of the room directly across from him, something glowed from withing a tall, skinny wooden box. He wondered how he missed seeing it on his way in, and then decided it was worth looking into. After all, it could be anything, if it glowed in the dark with such radiance.

He unlatched three brass latches from the old, mossy box made from oak wood, and opened the box with a creak. the object withing came tumbling out and he jumped back to avoid it. An extremely large two-handed claymore, glowing with a golden aura, but encased in a simple deer leather sheath, was the result of opening the box.

He picked up the sword as if it were a featherweight, holding it easily in one hand, all the while completely surprised that he had the strength to do so. but then, the guard of the sword split horizontally, and opened a hole, as if it had a mouth. dagger-like teeth sprouted inside the hole, and the man dropped the sword in terror. the sword began vibrating ferociously, making a strange but sharp ringing sound.

"Why did you drop me?! Aren't you supposed to be my new master?" resounded a voice. The man looked around curiously, standing in a fighting stance, but shivering in fear. The sword then stopped vibrating, and the ringing stopped. The man looked down at the sword, befuddled by the event that just occurred. He had no place in the world, so why was this happening to him? He thought about this for a bit, but then the sword began to speak again.

"Hey, down here you fucking moron! You dropped me in the mud, pick me up and clean me off, cocksucker!" the sword spoke, moving the lips of the split guard as if it were a real mouth. The man tilted his head, and then pointed at himself, wondering if the sword was talking to him. He walked over, took off his soaked white shirt and picked the sword up with it, wiping the sheath and the hilt off, which were the filthiest parts, but avoiding the mouth, fearful he might get bitten by the blade-like teeth.

"Thanks for cleaning me off. Now, tell me your name. Or are you retarded, too?" the sword inquired, insulting the man as much as possible while still seeming slightly grateful. The man sighed. He stuffed the clean sleeve of the shirt in the mouth of the sword, but the sword began vibrating again, so he pulled it out. He tapped his feet for a few seconds, trying to remember his name. It's been a long time since he had anyone ask for it, after all, but he finally remembered it.

"My name... it's Li Chang. I know it sounds Chinese, but I am of pure blood Russian descent. Although, I have lived in this wretched country, called America, for my entire life." the man explained, introducing himself to the talking sword, all the while wondering if the expired corn he ate was making him hallucinate. He read the expiration date again, he had it upside down. It didn't expire in 09/09/09/, it expired in 06/06/06. What a predicament, he just ate corn that had expired over 3 years ago.

"This is fucking crazy! I must be hallucinating." He thought aloud, placing the sword back into the box and walking away to the other side of the warehouse. The sword then shot a thin beam of light, which made a cut on Li's cheek. He turned around slowly as he felt the pain of the blood falling down his face. A small trail of smoke rose from the sword's mouth, the apparent source of the light beam. Li walked back over, picked up the sword, and hit the hilt against a stone pillar in the warehouse a few times, apparently which used to hold a portion of roof up.

"What in the fuck are you doing, you bastard!? I'm innocent!" The sword pleaded, resounding with what could only be described as 'the pain of an inanimate object'. Li stopped striking the pillar after a while, smiling from ear to ear, satisfied he had his revenge and got even. He dropped his smile for a fierce glare, intending to strike fear into the sword he beat mercilessly just moments ago.

"Since I'm your new 'master', I have a rule: If you EVER try that bullshit again, I will take however long it takes to break you, and leave you buried in 30 feet of mud. Are we clear?" Li shouted angrily. The sword vibrated a bit, as if to try and nod in affirmation. Li then grabbed the hilt of the sword and held it up. The sword began to quiver, as if it feared Li's threat in the core of its being.

"Well, I won't, so please don't abandon me. I've just been sitting here for the last 57 years." The sword responded. Li sighed again, wondering what the sword was about, and wondering how long he can eat food that expired long ago. He thought that since the sword had been abandoned for over 50 years, it wouldn't be that helpful, but he may as well try to work things out, and figure out the origin of this strange talking blade...


Next chapter will be in 1 week, unless I get lazy, maybe 2
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
11 years ago
Right off the bat, it's apparent that you're good with setting the scene and describing things. There's no doubt in my mind what's going on. This man is trudging through a torrential storm in wet and soggy terrain, and then he encounters a dilapidated shed.

I think you could use some work on characterization though. There's been little that gives us an idea of who this guy is as a character: background, emotions, thoughts. Granted, this is just the first chapter.

The story thus far is kind of generic to be honest. The only real saving grace is that you've decided to set it in the modern world.

Below is mostly me nitpicking about small errors like typos.
Spoiler:
In this shallow marsh, a few tall oak trees with countless green leaves stood gargantuan, standing above all else in the region.


You can do without the bold parts here and the sentence reads just fine. It is good the way it is. The reason why you would want to delete them is because both things were already mentioned just before. You don't need to say "In this shallow marsh" because it's already understood that this is where we're at thanks to the previous sentence.

Occasionally, brief flashes of light were followed by the roaring sound of thunder.


Keep in mind the point of view from which the scene is being told. For instance, if it's from the view of a character out in this storm, don't simply tell us there's thunder. Let us know how the character is effected by it. This can be a good way to show their personality too. If the thunder makes them jump for example, then readers can infer that he/she get's frightened easily or is on edge.

He thought he’d give them a try, to prevent him from starving to death.


The part about starving to death strikes me as almost robotic.

The man around curiously, standing in a fighting stance, but shivering in fear.


Typo.

"Regardless, I must be hallucinating."


If he just found out the food he ate was actually 3 years older than he initially assumed, that should be proof that he might be hallucinating. When you use a word like "regardless" however, it sounds like it's proof of the opposite. This is just me nitpicking, but there it is.
0
Complete Horizon
11 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Spoiler:
Right off the bat, it's apparent that you're good with setting the scene and describing things. There's no doubt in my mind what's going on. This man is trudging through a torrential storm in wet and soggy terrain, and then he encounters a dilapidated shed.

I think you could use some work on characterization though. There's been little that gives us an idea of who this guy is as a character: background, emotions, thoughts. Granted, this is just the first chapter.

The story thus far is kind of generic to be honest. The only real saving grace is that you've decided to set it in the modern world.

Below is mostly me nitpicking about small errors like typos.
Spoiler:
In this shallow marsh, a few tall oak trees with countless green leaves stood gargantuan, standing above all else in the region.


You can do without the bold parts here and the sentence reads just fine. It is good the way it is. The reason why you would want to delete them is because both things were already mentioned just before. You don't need to say "In this shallow marsh" because it's already understood that this is where we're at thanks to the previous sentence.

Occasionally, brief flashes of light were followed by the roaring sound of thunder.


Keep in mind the point of view from which the scene is being told. For instance, if it's from the view of a character out in this storm, don't simply tell us there's thunder. Let us know how the character is effected by it. This can be a good way to show their personality too. If the thunder makes them jump for example, then readers can infer that he/she get's frightened easily or is on edge.

He thought he’d give them a try, to prevent him from starving to death.


The part about starving to death strikes me as almost robotic.

The man around curiously, standing in a fighting stance, but shivering in fear.


Typo.

"Regardless, I must be hallucinating."


If he just found out the food he ate was actually 3 years older than he initially assumed, that should be proof that he might be hallucinating. When you use a word like "regardless" however, it sounds like it's proof of the opposite. This is just me nitpicking, but there it is.


Thanks for your advice, I fixed the parts aforementioned, and I am working on chapter 2 right now. As for it being generic, well, not much I can do this is my first time writing a book. How do you suggest I make it less generic? Help would b much appreciated.

Also, thanks for the help you've given me so far, it helped me to fine tune my proofreading a bit.
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
11 years ago
Don't mention it. I said it seemed generic so far. It's too early to call for the story as a whole.
0
Complete Horizon
11 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Don't mention it. I said it seemed generic so far. It's too early to call for the story as a whole.


I know I might be asking a little bit much, but do you mind explaining to me how my story is generic so far? Would be much appreciated.
0
mibuchiha Fakku Elder
11 years ago
First things first, use the spoiler function. As you add more chapters, it'll be really cluttered without.

Okay, as mentioned, your description is really well done. I almost have no problems imagining the scene and setting. ...but that's it, sadly. The first chapter covered so little that there isn't much to learn or anticipate. All that was told is that a guy had it rough and at some point, he found a foul talking sword. ...in the real world. Not really fond of the start, but I'll stick around, just to see where you take this to.
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d
11 years ago
I know I might be asking a little bit much, but do you mind explaining to me how my story is generic so far? Would be much appreciated.


You know, I honestly can't say. It's just the feel I get. As Mibu said, there isn't much to go on, so that's part of it. We only have the tip of the ice burg to judge. So far, we have a character with a mysterious, troubled past who's at a low point in his life. That right there is something that's been done time and again. Finding a magical item of some sort and having that change his life isn't the most original idea ever.

I really wouldn't worry too much about it. As long as we don't find out the main character was destined to find the sword from the get-go. I personally am not a big fan of the "chosen one" trope. Anyway, I still stand by what I said. As a guy who has only read the first chapter, I think it's too early to call it, and you did get me interested enough to read the second chapter whenever you post it.

Edit: I suppose I should also add that this is all my personal view. What I think of as boring and generic may not be so for someone else.
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