Review the first chapter of my metal gear fan fiction
1
https://www.fanfiction.net/story/story_preview.php?storyid=9968761&chapter=1
It's been a while since I wrote any fan fiction (or stories at all)so I don't expect it to be amazing but can someone tell me if its really crappy or if it's something I should continue?
It's been a while since I wrote any fan fiction (or stories at all)so I don't expect it to be amazing but can someone tell me if its really crappy or if it's something I should continue?
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
It seems as if I have login order to read that chapter. Can you post it here in full instead? Chances are after I read through this, I would remark about the need to establish the setting of the story and the characters as well.
I quote a PM I have sent to a person who posted his fan fiction here
I suppose simple plots, simple words and sentences that are not convoluted go a long way.
In addition to a reply I have posted on a thread.
While you have argued that people who read fanfiction ought to know who people like (some character) is, what (some item) is for, it would good to spend a sentence or a clause to give a brief description of events that happened outside of the story.
I quote a PM I have sent to a person who posted his fan fiction here
I suppose simple plots, simple words and sentences that are not convoluted go a long way.
In addition to a reply I have posted on a thread.
While you have argued that people who read fanfiction ought to know who people like (some character) is, what (some item) is for, it would good to spend a sentence or a clause to give a brief description of events that happened outside of the story.
1
"March 9th, 2015 was a dreadful day for soldiers, the current commander of the military and likely one of the greatest soldiers ever Lieutenant Solid Snake real name David past away due to a unknown disease hidden from the public. Solid Snake was a legendary soldier who went through the dangers of Outer Heaven and defeated America's traitor Big Boss and 3 years later he defeated Big boss again even with his new cyborg body. But little did Solid Snake know he was apart of something bigger, lead by someone greater then even Big Boss and that leader realized that Solid Snake could destroy everything if allowed to live so he did something to his body and destroyed him. A unknown amount of time passed and Solid Snakes only daughter Tomo Pliskin (real last name unknown) was forced into FOXHOUND by her mother Jennifer who was a solider under Lt. Snakes command. Untrained and mentally weak Tomo has been assigned a mission, and that mission is to stop a uprising by a rouge faction of FOXHOUND who claim to have a Metal Gear in there possession is that right?"
A man looked up from his clip board with doubtful eyes he had long black hair reaching his shoulders this man was FOXHOUNDS current commander colonel John Turner former member of the Navy and also former member of Lt. Snakes special unit. Colonel Turner stared at the face of the man in front of him with disbelief "do you honestly expect me to believe she will survive this mission?" The man in front of him stared back with sunglasses blocking his eyes, the man had shaved blonde hair and the build of a warrior. Turner "come on Miller this is impossible even for a experienced member in FOXHOUND I know you think she could do it because she is Snake's child but come on..." The man known as Miller began to speak, " Don't worry commander Rat Patrol team 1 will also be assigned this mission so she will have some allied support" Turner made a deep sigh, "well why don't we just let rat patrol team handle the mission?" Miller then made a quick come back " Sir do you even know witch members went rouge? Psycho Mantis, Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot, Vulcan Raven, those are some of our best Rat Patrol has no chance of surviving this mission and also..." Miller paused then began to speak, " we put Tomo in Virtual Reality training already, she did the Outer Heaven Mission and the one in the middle east that you participated in, her rank was S that's higher then anyone she even did better then Solid Snake, she has a gift in warfare a gift that needs to be tested in actual war I have faith that this girl can do it" Turner made another sigh and then stared directly at Miller with a serious expression, " with all your heart do you have faith in her?" Miller took off his glasses and made the same stare " right now I have faith in her more then anything" Turner's face eased up and then he said, "fine I will put her on the mission but I hope you can handle the guilt if anything happens to her"
Thus begins a new Metal Gear story one that rewrites the Shadow Moses story we are looking at Metal Gear Snake Eradicater.
A man looked up from his clip board with doubtful eyes he had long black hair reaching his shoulders this man was FOXHOUNDS current commander colonel John Turner former member of the Navy and also former member of Lt. Snakes special unit. Colonel Turner stared at the face of the man in front of him with disbelief "do you honestly expect me to believe she will survive this mission?" The man in front of him stared back with sunglasses blocking his eyes, the man had shaved blonde hair and the build of a warrior. Turner "come on Miller this is impossible even for a experienced member in FOXHOUND I know you think she could do it because she is Snake's child but come on..." The man known as Miller began to speak, " Don't worry commander Rat Patrol team 1 will also be assigned this mission so she will have some allied support" Turner made a deep sigh, "well why don't we just let rat patrol team handle the mission?" Miller then made a quick come back " Sir do you even know witch members went rouge? Psycho Mantis, Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot, Vulcan Raven, those are some of our best Rat Patrol has no chance of surviving this mission and also..." Miller paused then began to speak, " we put Tomo in Virtual Reality training already, she did the Outer Heaven Mission and the one in the middle east that you participated in, her rank was S that's higher then anyone she even did better then Solid Snake, she has a gift in warfare a gift that needs to be tested in actual war I have faith that this girl can do it" Turner made another sigh and then stared directly at Miller with a serious expression, " with all your heart do you have faith in her?" Miller took off his glasses and made the same stare " right now I have faith in her more then anything" Turner's face eased up and then he said, "fine I will put her on the mission but I hope you can handle the guilt if anything happens to her"
Thus begins a new Metal Gear story one that rewrites the Shadow Moses story we are looking at Metal Gear Snake Eradicater.
1
No she's the daughter of Jennifer a character from the original Metal Gear she also appeared in the non canon sequel metal gear snakes revenge and that is the universe this game takes place in
2
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Mysterious clam wrote...
"March 9th, 2015 was a dreadful day for soldiers, the current commander of the military and likely one of the greatest soldiers ever Lieutenant Solid Snake real name David past away due to a unknown disease hidden from the public. Solid Snake was a legendary soldier who went through the dangers of Outer Heaven and defeated America's traitor Big Boss and 3 years later he defeated Big boss again even with his new cyborg body. But little did Solid Snake know he was apart of something bigger, lead by someone greater then even Big Boss and that leader realized that Solid Snake could destroy everything if allowed to live so he did something to his body and destroyed him. A unknown amount of time passed and Solid Snakes only daughter Tomo Pliskin (real last name unknown) was forced into FOXHOUND by her mother Jennifer who was a solider under Lt. Snakes command. Untrained and mentally weak Tomo has been assigned a mission, and that mission is to stop a uprising by a rouge faction of FOXHOUND who claim to have a Metal Gear in there possession is that right?"A man looked up from his clip board with doubtful eyes he had long black hair reaching his shoulders this man was FOXHOUNDS current commander colonel John Turner former member of the Navy and also former member of Lt. Snakes special unit. Colonel Turner stared at the face of the man in front of him with disbelief "do you honestly expect me to believe she will survive this mission?" The man in front of him stared back with sunglasses blocking his eyes, the man had shaved blonde hair and the build of a warrior. Turner "come on Miller this is impossible even for a experienced member in FOXHOUND I know you think she could do it because she is Snake's child but come on..." The man known as Miller began to speak, " Don't worry commander Rat Patrol team 1 will also be assigned this mission so she will have some allied support" Turner made a deep sigh, "well why don't we just let rat patrol team handle the mission?" Miller then made a quick come back " Sir do you even know witch members went rouge? Psycho Mantis, Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot, Vulcan Raven, those are some of our best Rat Patrol has no chance of surviving this mission and also..." Miller paused then began to speak, " we put Tomo in Virtual Reality training already, she did the Outer Heaven Mission and the one in the middle east that you participated in, her rank was S that's higher then anyone she even did better then Solid Snake, she has a gift in warfare a gift that needs to be tested in actual war I have faith that this girl can do it" Turner made another sigh and then stared directly at Miller with a serious expression, " with all your heart do you have faith in her?" Miller took off his glasses and made the same stare " right now I have faith in her more then anything" Turner's face eased up and then he said, "fine I will put her on the mission but I hope you can handle the guilt if anything happens to her"
Thus begins a new Metal Gear story one that rewrites the Shadow Moses story we are looking at Metal Gear Snake Eradicater.
The first paragraph is what I call a proper prologue! It establishes the universe the story is set in. There are a few grammatical errors here and there, for example:
Lt Solid Snake, real name, David passed away...
Untrained and mentally weak Tomo had been assigned.
Long sentences containing very important plot details that would read better if cut up into more sentences --
Solid Snake was a legendary soldier who went through the dangers of Outer Heaven and defeated America's traitor Big Boss and 3 years later he defeated Big boss again even with his new cyborg body.
Solid Snake was a legendary soldier who was a veteran of the Outer Haven conflict, a decisive naval battle that ultimately prevented America's enemies from launching a successful amphibious strike on her Eastern Coast.
He was in charge of leading troops to quell the rebellious insurgent 'Big Boss' who was active in the Midwest, twice in the span of three years even though he was handicapped and had to depend on a robot prosthetic to move around.
(This is all nonsense of course. I know nothing about Metal Gear though I am quite confident that it is not a Second Civil War.)
I hope you'd agree with me that fanfiction ought to be treated like any other kind fiction where the writer assumes that the reader does not know anything about the said universe. I think it is necessary to explain terms introduced like:
FOXHOUND
Outer Haven
Psycho Mantis, Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot, Vulcan Raven, Rat Patrol
Team 1
Colonel Turner
It is hard to read the second paragraph because that is where the story really begins. I suggest using more paragraphs to isolate dialogue.
Never mind what others think. If you have a story in mind, my suggestion is to go for it. The moderators will not remove a story just because it is lousy.