[Seasonal Writing 2011 Entry] The Greatest Gift

The Greatest Gift

Christmas Eve, The season to be jolly! Where people celebrate, where children salivate, where workers take a hard earned break. Shops are closed; Presents are wrapped, lovers cuddle, while those alone wept.

It was a wintry night, and a young man walked the snow caked streets. He was alone, with his jacket hanging loose and scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. He was shivering, lost in his thoughts.

He looked around, left and right. Shops all around, but none open. Lovers cuddled up on benches, how he yearned for the warmth that produced. Ever since the death of his parents, he had not known love. 8 years spent in a run-down orphanage, was forced to leave as he had come of age…2 years spent in a factory, working to earn next-to-nothing to put food on his table.

The sound of a cooling breeze shook him out of his reminiscence. He checked his watch and sighed. He tried to move but then he fell.

“Just great, my feet fell asleep while I was standing thinking about my horrible life thus far.” He sighed as he tried to get up.

“Oh, what’s this? Johnny, my boy…I knew you were under poor circumstances but to sleep here? On the sidewalk?” A sarcastic voice piped up and John instantly knew who it was.

“What do you want, Mark? Flaunt your cash and women at me again?” John spat. “Spare me, because I had enough of a day without seeing your wretched face.” John got up and stared at him.

Mark pushed him and laughed. “I can’t help it that I was born with a rich daddy and mum. Oh, something you don’t have, hah!”

John gritted his teeth and brushed past.

“Hey, I’m not done with you! Get back here you coward!” Mark’s voice was fading out as John got further away from him.

John passed by the door to the biggest building in his hometown…The door to FAKKU Industries, the company owned by Mark’s father.

“This company is what bankrupted mine…And now I’m wandering the streets, doing odd jobs just to get a square meal every day.” John muttered resentfully.

John himself didn’t know what he wanted to do. He was merely wandering the snowy streets with its icy breeze, hoping for inspiration.

The job board was frozen over with ice, evidence of a really cold winter. John could just ask for money from his relatives, but he didn’t want to. They were stretched thin as it is.

“I wonder, is life worth living?” John thought out loud. John could have given up, he got a rope on his 20th birthday from Mark…A joke, or bait most likely.

John’s parents were supposed to leave him an inheritance, but one day it just disappeared, stolen probably. The fact that John even had a place to live was a miracle. But he was determined to survive in this world.

John passed by the graveyard and, after a moment of hesitation, went in. He walked over to his parent’s gravestone.

“Mom, Dad…It’s been 10 years, soon to be 11 that you left me. Sometimes, honestly I find myself hating it…Hating you. Why did you leave me? I know you didn’t choose to do it but I just hate that you guys up and left me…” John gritted his teeth and salty tears flowed down his face.

“Families were together, celebrating Christmas. Lovers go to fancy restaurants to celebrate Christmas; even Workers have their own little party… And here I am, spending some time with my…Family.” John sighed.

John missed them dearly. He even missed the orphanage, that run-down yet warm orphanage. He missed his caretaker, all his friends and everyone else at the orphanage.

John walked over to the orphanage and past the listing board. The listing board is basically showing you anything new happening in the town. John wasn’t surprised to see that FAKKU Industries dominated most of the board with its announcements.

When he arrived, John felt a sharp pain through his heart. The orphanage was wrecked and a sign plastered in front. Judging by the shape of the place, it was no surprise that the sign said †˜Lot for sale’. But still, it hurt. John felt as if something, somewhere inside of him died off.

Seeing the orphanage he'd grown up in gone, his knees slowly buckled out from under him. Falling, almost slowly, into the snow as moisture started to form in his eyes… As the first tears fell John couldn't help but remember all his experiences here. All his friends, his caretaker…The memories were flooding his head so fast that it hurt. John stood up and ran…Ran as far as his legs would take him.

John panted when he stopped and found himself in front of a bar. His head clouded, he couldn’t think straight and walked inside. He sat himself down at the stand.

“What’ll you be having, Mr. Customer?” The barkeep asked.

“Just some Vodka, I guess.” John replied half-heartedly.

As John waited for his vodka he leaned down against the bar, listening to the static sound of chatter in the dimly lit space…

“Hey!” The barkeep’s voice breaks John out of his reverie, and as he sits up he sees the glass of crystal clear vodka sliding down the counter at him.

With a clumsy hand he catches it, holding it in between his hands almost like he's praying. John takes a few sips and enjoys the cool liquid flowing down his throat.

“So, you have any money for your drink there?' the barkeep asks, leaning over the counter while cleaning a glass. This shocked John; he had forgotten he barely had any money to pay.

“Um…No, not really…” John said nervously. The barkeep stopped cleaning his glass and slammed his hand on the counter.

“You dare come in here and order Vodka when you have no money? How dare you!” The barkeep shouts at the top of his lungs.

John could only look down regretfully.

“You dare to come in here you poor piece of trash? Get out!” The barkeep shouted.

“Calm down, sir. Can’t you just excuse him this once? It’s Christmas! It’s the season for giving, after all.” A tall man with dark black hair said calmly.

“But I have to make a living you know…” The barkeep grumbled.

The man sighed and put some money on the table. “This should cover it, no?” He said.

The barkeep’s eyes shined at the sight of coin and grabbed at it greedily. “Oh, yes sir. Thank you!”

As he left, John got up and ran out after him. “Please wait!” John shouted.
The man looked back and his face remained indifferent. He stopped and turned around to face John.

“Who are you…Better yet, why did you help me?” John panted as he stopped in front of the man.

“Name’s Jack, and as to why I helped you…Heh, well its Christmas isn’t it?” Jack smiled.

“What about Christmas? Vodka is expensive around here, Jack.” John persisted.

Jack turned around and started walking slowly.

“Remember this; giving is infinitely better than receiving. Being able to give, to see the person happy like that…It’s the greatest gift given to us humans.”

With that, Jack walked off. John could only stare at his back, wondering how anyone was capable of such kindness.

John walked home slowly, thinking about the kindness Jack had given him. A small, weak cough sounded near him and surprised John.

He looked around but could not see anything else other than the dimly lit streetlight and some dumpsters.

He walked around and found a girl next to the dumpsters. She looked no more than 16, shivering, wearing only a rather worn dress and hugging herself.

John’s heart filled with pity as he could relate to her suffering. He once went through this…But to see her like this, shivering without much clothing in winter…

John, remembering what Jack told him…Made a decision.

He walked up to the girl and knelt down. She looked at him with big, blue eyes, and cowered in fear.

John extended his hand and smiled at her. The girl looked confused, but after a moment of hesitation grasped his hand and got up.

John took off his jacket and scarf and put it over her. John shivered under the frosty bite of the winter breeze.

The girl looked at him with those eyes and asked, “Mister, aren’t you cold?”

Her innocence is cute, John thought. “It’s okay…What’s your name?” John asked softly.

“…Claire.” She replied softly.

John smiled and gave her a hug. Claire struggled a little, but didn’t put up much resistance.

“It may not be much to offer, since I’m poor and all…But would you like to live with me?” John asked. “You don’t look like you have a place to stay.”

Her eyes started to shine. “But, why…Why are you so kind to me?” She asked.

John smiled.

“Giving is the greatest gift we humans are capable of…”

I was hoping for some romance but it was really good. This could lead to a romance but the characters and their traits lack details so i can't guess where this would lead. This would hit as a manga but the non hentai kind. The mood is too light to make a hentai, not even a vanilla. But then again i suppose this wasn't made to be a vanilla. Oh, wait it is... Go to a shoujo comic producer and check if you can find an artist. Don't hope for a one shot vanilla. It won't work. It could go as a famous shojo though...

Haha, i didn't really mean it seriously. This was actually part 1(which was cut into a short story) of a story i hoped to write for future purposes, but i felt it fit the Xmas spirit so i entered it. I WOULD have added more detail and personality traits but 1500 word limit is a little... oppressive. Heh, still, thanks for the feedback.

Hmmm, great story, man. I think it's deep and thought-provoking, and I love how you describe your characters' inner feelings. Although, I was really impressed when I took the first look, but then I felt it was somewhat getting...insipid. The last half of the story was unrealistic, and I don't really think you should have named your characters like you did, though I know you said you were intended to make this a part 1 of a story, but since you entered it for this contest, you should have modified it to fit the contest: you shouldn't had your "Jack", "Claire" named, I don't even think "Mark" needed to be named, because when it's a one-shot and only have a few characters like this, I don't think it's quite important to have characters named. But, overall, it's still quite good. I'm planning on entering myself, too, I make it fair and square. Good luck.

Thanks for reading it at all, Dawn_Of_Dark. I can tell the ending was not as good because of a word limit. I tried to make it realistic but probably fell flat on my face. And i guess it really wasn't all that good in the end, i knew that. There are lots of people better than me, so i merely enter for constructive(hopefully) criticism or reviews. Thanks for yours, really helped me out in my writing.

I forgot, could you please check my story. Mine had an opposite motive then yours though, :P i made mine to fit as a single oneshot, or maybe a background story for
, anyway please try mine !! https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=77817

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I liked it.
I just enjoyed it and forgot to criticize.

By all means, go ahead! I'm happy that my work can let people have an enjoyable time. I don't mind criticism at all! I'm actually happy to get some because i know that people, behind harsh words actually want me to improve.

Thank you for your kind words~

Dude. this is good :D
My only criticism is that the names are super boring.

Before i say anything...Nice profile pic dude haha.

Yeah, once i posted it i was like...Wait, did i really just use that name? But i didn't change it because it'd involve a lot of stuff.

Thanks! Any criticism that helps is welcome...Always.

thanks for a good read :D

Hey, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I generally write because i'm so happy to see people read it and, well...Like it! It makes me feel i made someone's day a little bit better.

Thanks for commenting!

An interesting read with a great moral that anyone can appreciate. I wish you luck :3

One thing that I can probably note is that your story climaxes/hits its turning point is kinda around the time where John learns that "giving is infinitely better than receiving." That being said, it reaches that point very quickly. The fact that he just happens to see a girl on the side and offers her a home, feels rushed. Obviously, the word limit played a part here, but I figured I'd drop my two cents.

On another note, I did NOT think your names were boring. Sure, they may be English, so it takes some adjusting to what some people are used to, but names like "Jacob" become a favorite thanks to the connotation added to it. Names are only as important as they are to the writer and reader. I find that Mark, Jack, etc. are fine, I just had to adjust. Like for my own stories, I use Peter and Vy, and regardless of what others think, I use them because they flow better for me because those are the name of my friends in real life. /end rant

A really good read btw XD. Among my top three for this poll!

Read your entry, and here's my two cents:

The build-up from the beginning is really powerful to the point I nearly shed my tears over it, really emotional and makes you reflect on things. Unfortunately the flow was somehow broke at the point when the protagonist visits the bar, the peculiar part just seem to happen too fast, I suppose the part should be a bit dramatized, for example by focusing on the protagonists' thoughts and other you could made up to drown the readers in your story, and I think Jake's actions should be described in a much more detailed fashion to produce the 'epic moment' that makes you feel like clapping your hand in the end. The same could be said with the protagonists' when he's helping the girl out at the post-climatic scene~

The prologue exposition above is a pretty strong start, but the rushed ending needs a bit more of work to find the right words that makes you think 'aha, that's it!' and left some satisfactory and powerful end, rather than a hanged-up one. Yeah there's the matters with the word limit, though it's optional for you to re-work and extend this piece by the time this contest is over. I'm really looking forward to it since this piece has a really good potential to be a great, heart-warming story which could move peoples' hearts~

Thanks you so much for your comments! I really enjoy reading Constructive comments...Stuff that help me improve. Well, when i get more time i'll try to rewrite this. Thanks a lot for your comments, i felt that way too. I was feeling lost after the bar part and the fact that the word limit was there...It was all too opressing.

In fact, i truly believe in this when i wrote it. Giving, is better than receiving. Huh =).

Well, i'd say this took me a while to write...Really long while.

Thank you so much for your kind words! Moral value eh? Well i doubt everybody would be as kind as John or Jack in the story...OR as selfless.

I model Jack and John as the type of people with a personality to aspire to...Of course, when i say John i meant after he met Jack. Before that he was just a whiny guy haha.

Wow! I'm flattered...Top 3? Thank you SO much! Also, for your kind words...Well, I can't offer you my home or any vodka, but would you accept my thanks? =).

Yeah, i generally HATE word limits...They limit my imagination, literally.

Nono, i agree that it hit the climax early. I don't mind you, um...2 cents as long as it's constructive! Then again, kind words are enough to get me going!

Well, Peter may be a normal name...But Vy? i found that kind of unique =D.

John is MY name after all, i took Jack from a game i know. Mark just came to me when i was thinking "Polls -> Votes = Exam -> MARKs..." Stupid right? Haha.

I generally don't write this well, this one i really wrote with a passion burning in my soul! Not really, but yeah. My stories were not this good and i found this to be REALLY DAMN GOOD in comparison to some of my other stories.

Well, Thank you once again! I was ranting more than you i think...XD.