Stigma Chapter 2 just came out.
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First try came out to be a bummer (complains on unclear details and vers., noobness from 6 months ago)
So I'd going to try it once more. This is a fantasy story of mine that I just brought up on a whim. Give it a read if you like. By the way, I currently don't have a title for this, so....I'll just call it the Stigma for the time being.
The current status of this story is in progress. I have a long list of where this can go off into so it'll take up some time to reorganize myself and the plotline. Hope you guys have patience for this.
Enjoy.
Stigma
Edited for revision.
Edit:I'll put this in as a lil fanservice I guess?
Chapter 2
So I'd going to try it once more. This is a fantasy story of mine that I just brought up on a whim. Give it a read if you like. By the way, I currently don't have a title for this, so....I'll just call it the Stigma for the time being.
The current status of this story is in progress. I have a long list of where this can go off into so it'll take up some time to reorganize myself and the plotline. Hope you guys have patience for this.
Enjoy.
Stigma
Edited for revision.
Spoiler:
Edit:I'll put this in as a lil fanservice I guess?
Spoiler:
Chapter 2
Spoiler:
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On Stigma:
I've not read the whole thing, but I like it so far. Just saw some stuff I want to point out before I move on.
Positive:
I really like the opening to the story. It's vague, but that sort of mystery helps the scene unfold. I really feel like I am relating to the viewpoint of the bus driver, and I get a pretty good image of the girl he is looking at. It's clear she has a strong personality, and I can tell something is going on.
It's actually fun to read, and you've got my attention.
Criticism:
I've noticed a few grammatical errors, and though I usually glaze past them cuz I know many users here only speak English as a 2nd language, you should know the following:
"On the road of mere gray with white streaks,"
Your opening line confused me at first, till I realized 'the' should be 'a' instead. This should be corrected so confusion isn't the first thing a person feels when they start your story. :)
Next:
EDIT:
Content in spoiler has been addressed. Rather than removing it, I chose to put it in a spoiler in case the info is helpful to someone later on.
So, now a word on your revision. A decent conversion, much clearer now. The way it's delivered is a bit unrefined, but is far better than before. It reads smoother, and I no longer feel that disconnect I did before.
Now that I have read the rest, I can say your next part is well written. Again, prolly could use a slight tune up, but I'm fine with it as is. The description is quite visual and it flows well. What is a simple prisoner at the beginning of what I am reading becomes this almost wolf like being, who may still be very much human, but clearly is not only feared, but has a story to tell.
I was impressed by the way you tie in his senses to the story, allowing you to not only describe things from his angle, but also that you used them to expound on the girl some more. I knew she looked pretty before, but now I get an almost sensual sense. Very nice.
I do have one thing that broke me from the story slightly when I read it though and I wonder if that could be resolved. When she begins to go into this sort of Yandere mode, it's a little too sudden. She goes from "I was so worried!" to "I'll give you everything!" so suddenly that's almost character breaking.
After the fact, I see she's been Yandere from the start and I see what you were trying to do, but still, on my first reading she appears to go from caring to over the top without a trigger. There is no build up. Yandere is a bit crazy, and so is rooted in a mental issue.
When someone has an episode, that don't just switch on to full. They work themselves up until a point of madness. (though in a Yandere's case the madness is an obsession that loses focus on reality) Even if his face is the trigger that sets her off, you need build up to justify her shouting at the guard and ranting on to him.
EDIT: (again)
Just read the "fan service" in the other spoiler.. O///O
I can't really say much on it. I'll need to clear my head before I can look at that objectively. You certainly wrote passionately there. It's pretty good. ^^;
I've not read the whole thing, but I like it so far. Just saw some stuff I want to point out before I move on.
Positive:
I really like the opening to the story. It's vague, but that sort of mystery helps the scene unfold. I really feel like I am relating to the viewpoint of the bus driver, and I get a pretty good image of the girl he is looking at. It's clear she has a strong personality, and I can tell something is going on.
It's actually fun to read, and you've got my attention.
Criticism:
I've noticed a few grammatical errors, and though I usually glaze past them cuz I know many users here only speak English as a 2nd language, you should know the following:
"On the road of mere gray with white streaks,"
Your opening line confused me at first, till I realized 'the' should be 'a' instead. This should be corrected so confusion isn't the first thing a person feels when they start your story. :)
Next:
Spoiler:
EDIT:
Content in spoiler has been addressed. Rather than removing it, I chose to put it in a spoiler in case the info is helpful to someone later on.
So, now a word on your revision. A decent conversion, much clearer now. The way it's delivered is a bit unrefined, but is far better than before. It reads smoother, and I no longer feel that disconnect I did before.
Now that I have read the rest, I can say your next part is well written. Again, prolly could use a slight tune up, but I'm fine with it as is. The description is quite visual and it flows well. What is a simple prisoner at the beginning of what I am reading becomes this almost wolf like being, who may still be very much human, but clearly is not only feared, but has a story to tell.
I was impressed by the way you tie in his senses to the story, allowing you to not only describe things from his angle, but also that you used them to expound on the girl some more. I knew she looked pretty before, but now I get an almost sensual sense. Very nice.
I do have one thing that broke me from the story slightly when I read it though and I wonder if that could be resolved. When she begins to go into this sort of Yandere mode, it's a little too sudden. She goes from "I was so worried!" to "I'll give you everything!" so suddenly that's almost character breaking.
After the fact, I see she's been Yandere from the start and I see what you were trying to do, but still, on my first reading she appears to go from caring to over the top without a trigger. There is no build up. Yandere is a bit crazy, and so is rooted in a mental issue.
When someone has an episode, that don't just switch on to full. They work themselves up until a point of madness. (though in a Yandere's case the madness is an obsession that loses focus on reality) Even if his face is the trigger that sets her off, you need build up to justify her shouting at the guard and ranting on to him.
EDIT: (again)
Just read the "fan service" in the other spoiler.. O///O
I can't really say much on it. I'll need to clear my head before I can look at that objectively. You certainly wrote passionately there. It's pretty good. ^^;
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Okay, so normally I set things up in my prior format. But this one needs a bit of a different approach this time so you can see what you need to. So first, allow me to say as a whole, I think your improving and I liked this new chapter. It was nice to learn her name at last, and we see a more human side to the both of them in this chapter.
Oh btw, be prepared for a large post. I have a lot of things to say this time. Bear with me.
Now, on to the details!
Here I was confused. It took me a bit to realize it was some guards talking behind the door. Even now, I am sort of wondering if it is, or not. What happened? Did he attack someone? You need more details here. The text has nothing to really tie it into the previous chapter, and is so lacking in detail that it's hard to form an image of what is going on.
I'm guessing you find starts difficult? This is the second chapter that I got confused pretty soon after I began reading. Perhaps you need to work on revision of your beginnings a bit. I too find starts tough, and tend to have to go back and refine them once I've let the story out.
“Nii-san~. Good morning.” (she says) in a playful voice.
I turn (my head) to the source of the voice.
The flow here was a tad odd, and caused me to very clearly become aware that I was reading and not actually there. I have made some suggestions seen in the brackets, as to how I think this could be fixed.
I see what you were trying to do here. You wanted to describe the floor and explain why he does not back away. However, the reason doesn't sound valid, it actually sounds odd and somewhat unjustified. "I fought the fear cuz the cold was comfortable on my behind" sounds as if he's not really afraid. Normally something that small wouldn't stop someone. Also, the word "seems" is used too often in this sentence.
In this case, it would have been better if instead of talking about dots, you mention the emotion or action dots represent. For example "while I stand there, staring at her reaction, unsure what to say." It helps things flow in a more realistic sense and keeps the image your building more solid.
[--> Not The Subject] Before I was even aware of myself being a Stigma bearer, I’ve heard other Stigma users suffered greatly, especially in Laufner, where there are several hidden small unions of Stigma bearers. Taken away from their families, their families are driven down into being a mass of homeless, while Stigma bearing child are left to rot in Alcar.
[--> Useful] The fate of knowing a person with the Stigma is horrible, especially for a family member. Discrimination, harassment, rape, bullying, slavery, murder. Everyone looks at the Stigma user’s family as trash. You could even say that some families refuse to call the child bearing the Stigma eyes a child of their own, in order to save themselves and their social status.
This block of text was too large, you should have broke into a new paragraph. I only took a portion to quote and as you see, even this is pretty large. Now, about what (and why) I decided to add this info into a quote:
Some of this info feels forced. You've told me she's been without him for a long time, and just being associated with one of his kind makes it hell on the family. Awesome work. However, the rest of this is side info, or additional stuff you could tell me later. I didn't need to hear about it now, so it detracted from the main point a little.
You could tell me WHY it's hell by mentioning all the awful things a family member goes through. That would be just fine. But info on the city or on how the stigma user is treated specifically doesn't need to be told. At least, not yet. It's off topic. Related yes, but not relevant, as it's not about the family specifically.
I saw this problem off and on during your chapter, but I feel this is a good example here. Notice something? Your telling me an emotion or an action, not describing it. I can't form for myself an image as it occurs. That's bad form, because it comes off feeling like an incomplete sentence and shatters my sense of being in the story if it's used a lot.
You could be telling me it from his angle, as if I am in his head, or he's telling me himself rather than some invisible by-stander. Show his observations, his thoughts. Describe them to me. Don't just give me a play by play of what happens.
Things like "I witness" or "Addressing her with some surprise I say.." would go a long way in this case.
I liked the use of bold and size here. It added a sense of character to your story and broke up the text a little. Styled, and well used! I would have liked to see italics on the line I bolded through, to show it was the voice of someone else from within.
Great use of text here! You give a reason for me to find out what the place looks like on the outside from his view, and it feels quite natural.
So all in all, I saw a lot of grammar errors that I did not address as before, but I liked some of the things you were trying. And so far, I enjoy the story. I have some questions about the plot. That's a good sign. And I'm also thinking.. is this really his sister, or some clever trick to use him?
So far so good. Hopefully my comments help, and I look forward to the next chapter.
Oh btw, be prepared for a large post. I have a lot of things to say this time. Bear with me.
Now, on to the details!
Muffled shouts come from the steel door.
"What’s going on?! Did he assault you?!”
“There’s nothing wrong. I just discipline him since he almost went for my throat.”
A fuzzed silence follows, then the barely audible fading footsteps.
"What’s going on?! Did he assault you?!”
“There’s nothing wrong. I just discipline him since he almost went for my throat.”
A fuzzed silence follows, then the barely audible fading footsteps.
Here I was confused. It took me a bit to realize it was some guards talking behind the door. Even now, I am sort of wondering if it is, or not. What happened? Did he attack someone? You need more details here. The text has nothing to really tie it into the previous chapter, and is so lacking in detail that it's hard to form an image of what is going on.
I'm guessing you find starts difficult? This is the second chapter that I got confused pretty soon after I began reading. Perhaps you need to work on revision of your beginnings a bit. I too find starts tough, and tend to have to go back and refine them once I've let the story out.
“Nii-san~. Good morning.” (she says) in a playful voice.
I turn (my head) to the source of the voice.
The flow here was a tad odd, and caused me to very clearly become aware that I was reading and not actually there. I have made some suggestions seen in the brackets, as to how I think this could be fixed.
I want to back away once more, but it seems my ass seems to love the cool feel of the floor.
I see what you were trying to do here. You wanted to describe the floor and explain why he does not back away. However, the reason doesn't sound valid, it actually sounds odd and somewhat unjustified. "I fought the fear cuz the cold was comfortable on my behind" sounds as if he's not really afraid. Normally something that small wouldn't stop someone. Also, the word "seems" is used too often in this sentence.
An excited blushing face is formed, while I stand there, staring at her reaction, forming dots over my head.
In this case, it would have been better if instead of talking about dots, you mention the emotion or action dots represent. For example "while I stand there, staring at her reaction, unsure what to say." It helps things flow in a more realistic sense and keeps the image your building more solid.
[--> Not The Subject] Before I was even aware of myself being a Stigma bearer, I’ve heard other Stigma users suffered greatly, especially in Laufner, where there are several hidden small unions of Stigma bearers. Taken away from their families, their families are driven down into being a mass of homeless, while Stigma bearing child are left to rot in Alcar.
[--> Useful] The fate of knowing a person with the Stigma is horrible, especially for a family member. Discrimination, harassment, rape, bullying, slavery, murder. Everyone looks at the Stigma user’s family as trash. You could even say that some families refuse to call the child bearing the Stigma eyes a child of their own, in order to save themselves and their social status.
This block of text was too large, you should have broke into a new paragraph. I only took a portion to quote and as you see, even this is pretty large. Now, about what (and why) I decided to add this info into a quote:
Some of this info feels forced. You've told me she's been without him for a long time, and just being associated with one of his kind makes it hell on the family. Awesome work. However, the rest of this is side info, or additional stuff you could tell me later. I didn't need to hear about it now, so it detracted from the main point a little.
You could tell me WHY it's hell by mentioning all the awful things a family member goes through. That would be just fine. But info on the city or on how the stigma user is treated specifically doesn't need to be told. At least, not yet. It's off topic. Related yes, but not relevant, as it's not about the family specifically.
A quick recovery from a sad, crying face to a gleaming excited smile. “REALLY?!”
Surprised for a bit, “Y-yea. But I need to break out of this magic-cancel handcu-.”
Surprised for a bit, “Y-yea. But I need to break out of this magic-cancel handcu-.”
I saw this problem off and on during your chapter, but I feel this is a good example here. Notice something? Your telling me an emotion or an action, not describing it. I can't form for myself an image as it occurs. That's bad form, because it comes off feeling like an incomplete sentence and shatters my sense of being in the story if it's used a lot.
You could be telling me it from his angle, as if I am in his head, or he's telling me himself rather than some invisible by-stander. Show his observations, his thoughts. Describe them to me. Don't just give me a play by play of what happens.
Things like "I witness" or "Addressing her with some surprise I say.." would go a long way in this case.
Here, let me help ya out.
I release the spell.
KA-BOM BOOM BOOM BBOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!
I release the spell.
KA-BOM BOOM BOOM BBOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!
I liked the use of bold and size here. It added a sense of character to your story and broke up the text a little. Styled, and well used! I would have liked to see italics on the line I bolded through, to show it was the voice of someone else from within.
The tinted red sky overcame my vision along with the vast barren wasteland view. The mountains in the distance give a darker red than the red I see now. The blowing desert wind never felt so refreshing. The scent of freedom is in the air, urging me to truly feel alive and free again.
Great use of text here! You give a reason for me to find out what the place looks like on the outside from his view, and it feels quite natural.
So all in all, I saw a lot of grammar errors that I did not address as before, but I liked some of the things you were trying. And so far, I enjoy the story. I have some questions about the plot. That's a good sign. And I'm also thinking.. is this really his sister, or some clever trick to use him?
So far so good. Hopefully my comments help, and I look forward to the next chapter.