Stories.. part 1.. a story
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Day 1
Tuesday, 9 June 2016
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[size=12][size=12][/h][/h]I hate that feeling. You know the one when you are sound asleep and then something suddenly pokes your foot and causes you to jolt straight up. I hate that feeling. But these sort of instincts are good to have, i'm sure its what helped my ancestors survive the dinosaurs and what not. Except in the real world there are no dinosaurs, just annoying house mates that dont give you enough personal space. I would have smacked him in the head like i usually do but today he had an excuse. Something about a new drug causing people to hunger for human flesh, the ability to survive several gun shots, and (in some cases) even have superhuman strength. But I thought to myself "hey, this is old news and what does this have to do with Australia?".
Then the news anchor said something about the contents of this drug, bat salts. It was named after the hunger for blood the drug causes its users to have. More alarming though was the fact that traces of the main chemical compound found in the drug, MDPX, were recently found in several night clubs in flinders st. after officers apprehended three men who have been allegedly running an illegal street fighting circuit. Rumor has it that these guys pay fighters to use the drug and put money on them knowing the effects the drug would have, essentially rigging every fight. I read somewhere on the net that the mafia were them too for various reasons.
After the broadcast ended twitter went wild with #zombieapocalypse, some were surprisingly looking forward to put their zombie killing skills to the test and others were looking forward to not working, studying, or paying for things anymore. I guess i'm one of them. I cant wait to get out of Uni. My life has really gone down the drain since i entered. Grades got worse, love life's gotten worse, confidence has gotten worse, i just dont see the point of continuing as is when nothing is going your way. I mean what can you do with a 52.4/2.09 GPA, nothing great thats for sure. Maybe this is what I need, a new start. Plus chicks are more likely to bang you during the zombie apocalypse than otherwise. So maybe I'll finally get a chance to bang Vicky, the hot asian girl. She works in the supermarket on the ground floor of my apartment, we exchange glances every so often but i've never had the courage to ask her out. The funny thing is that my friends know her, but i've never been introduced. Such is the severity of our LOP that they dont even introduce me to her. LOP, Lack of Pussy. write that down. Anyway, yeah i mean give me a break man its not like were hunting for scraps.. Ahh, fuckers..
So. The point is that I want to make the most of this, become a better man, save some lives, help find a cure, and finally loose my V card. Its so lame that i'm even calling it that. An apartment is a pretty safe place to be, considering i have everything i could possibly need to survive. If i need food and whatnot i could just go to the supermarket or department store downstairs and get some there. Oh the luxuries of modern living.
Speaking of food and whatnot I'm probably going to need to stock up on food and supplies.. off to the supermarket. She works on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, might mean she's an oriental moslem. quite a rare breed.
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This is my first attempt. I was trying to experiment with the story telling style a bit so please feel free to grade or criticise. I hope this will be the first of many. or if there are any recommendations for this piece or perhaps any future pieces please please comment.
hope you enjoyed.
Tuesday, 9 June 2016
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[size=12][size=12][/h][/h]I hate that feeling. You know the one when you are sound asleep and then something suddenly pokes your foot and causes you to jolt straight up. I hate that feeling. But these sort of instincts are good to have, i'm sure its what helped my ancestors survive the dinosaurs and what not. Except in the real world there are no dinosaurs, just annoying house mates that dont give you enough personal space. I would have smacked him in the head like i usually do but today he had an excuse. Something about a new drug causing people to hunger for human flesh, the ability to survive several gun shots, and (in some cases) even have superhuman strength. But I thought to myself "hey, this is old news and what does this have to do with Australia?".
Then the news anchor said something about the contents of this drug, bat salts. It was named after the hunger for blood the drug causes its users to have. More alarming though was the fact that traces of the main chemical compound found in the drug, MDPX, were recently found in several night clubs in flinders st. after officers apprehended three men who have been allegedly running an illegal street fighting circuit. Rumor has it that these guys pay fighters to use the drug and put money on them knowing the effects the drug would have, essentially rigging every fight. I read somewhere on the net that the mafia were them too for various reasons.
After the broadcast ended twitter went wild with #zombieapocalypse, some were surprisingly looking forward to put their zombie killing skills to the test and others were looking forward to not working, studying, or paying for things anymore. I guess i'm one of them. I cant wait to get out of Uni. My life has really gone down the drain since i entered. Grades got worse, love life's gotten worse, confidence has gotten worse, i just dont see the point of continuing as is when nothing is going your way. I mean what can you do with a 52.4/2.09 GPA, nothing great thats for sure. Maybe this is what I need, a new start. Plus chicks are more likely to bang you during the zombie apocalypse than otherwise. So maybe I'll finally get a chance to bang Vicky, the hot asian girl. She works in the supermarket on the ground floor of my apartment, we exchange glances every so often but i've never had the courage to ask her out. The funny thing is that my friends know her, but i've never been introduced. Such is the severity of our LOP that they dont even introduce me to her. LOP, Lack of Pussy. write that down. Anyway, yeah i mean give me a break man its not like were hunting for scraps.. Ahh, fuckers..
So. The point is that I want to make the most of this, become a better man, save some lives, help find a cure, and finally loose my V card. Its so lame that i'm even calling it that. An apartment is a pretty safe place to be, considering i have everything i could possibly need to survive. If i need food and whatnot i could just go to the supermarket or department store downstairs and get some there. Oh the luxuries of modern living.
Speaking of food and whatnot I'm probably going to need to stock up on food and supplies.. off to the supermarket. She works on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, might mean she's an oriental moslem. quite a rare breed.
-------
This is my first attempt. I was trying to experiment with the story telling style a bit so please feel free to grade or criticise. I hope this will be the first of many. or if there are any recommendations for this piece or perhaps any future pieces please please comment.
hope you enjoyed.
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I image this whole thing in a grizzled, hardboiled detective voice, doesn't really go with what was being said though. Also please fucking capitalize your "I"s, that's more of a personal gripe, the story is... eh, not really a lot to go on. I think you mean "bath salts" not "bat salts", also your MC seems like a total douche, give him a few redeeming qualities. Last but not least, this is more of a general thing, people if you're going to have zombies have something more original than "it's the apocalypse", thank you.
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MrShadowzs wrote...
I image this whole thing in a grizzled, hardboiled detective voice, doesn't really go with what was being said though. Also please fucking capitalize your "I"s, that's more of a personal gripe, the story is... eh, not really a lot to go on. I think you mean "bath salts" not "bat salts", also your MC seems like a total douche, give him a few redeeming qualities. Last but not least, this is more of a general thing, people if you're going to have zombies have something more original than "it's the apocalypse", thank you.I thought it was rather poorly done as well. Not sure why I published that. Back to the drawing board..
I tried to base the story on what was going on but changed the names of certain things because I felt it suited the story more. I probably should have just put bath salts but i thought bat salts suited the story more.
Also I did not say it was the zombie apocalypse, it was just people posting that on twitter. But I'll smoothen it out, after re-reading it its crap.
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Pretty straight-forward intro. I think I'll stick around and keep reading.
Sorry for not being much of a reviewer. All I can say is good job.
Will Vicky be a future character?
Sorry for not being much of a reviewer. All I can say is good job.
Will Vicky be a future character?
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For your story to have caught my eyes, you must be either really lucky or really UNlucky. Let's get on with the slic- I mean reviewing. This makes a good fodd- I mean example since this section had been getting better in quality. >:D
Pro:
1) Unique - This is probably the only one good thing about this story. It's written in a diary format. Pretty rare and if executed properly would be very interesting.
Brace yourself, Cooldoggy... I'm merciless....
Cons:
1)Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation - I have no idea how many time I have stated that spelling mistakes should be reduced to the minimum. Spell check is there for a reason. USE IT. Not to mention the incredible amount of "i" and lack of apostrophes. "Don't" does not equal to "dont". You might think I'm nitpicking but good spelling, grammar and punctuation goes A LONG WAY. Keeping it to the minimum is a sign of respect for your work and to the readers as well.
2)Confusing - I have no idea what are you trying to say with this story. Are you trying to write a diary about drugs and corruption in sports that involved the mafia, Zombie apocalypse or just being a loser? Seriously, you should put your focus on one. It's confusing for the readers and essentially, it tears away the focus of the main subject.
3)POV - Point of View. Now this is pretty vague. Your story is presumably written in a diary format, then why is the MC interacting with the reader? Is this suppose to be a diary or a narrative? Make it clear in your story.
4)Descriptions - Another subject that have been touched countless times by me in the past. Sure, there are times because this is a diary, the narrator or MC is supposed to know the character present already so descriptions are not very important but it plays a role. You have to at the very least, give a brief description of the characters that show up so the readers can have an image, doesn't have to be physical(since this is a diary) it could be something that corresponds to his attitude. It can be short and brief like, "Then my friend showed up. He's a stinking asshole for hogging Vicky all to himself. Don't even know why the hell I got to know him in the first place."
Overall score: 4/10
This concludes my review. You'll need to fix a lot of place but I see potential. I'll check it out once in a while.
Keep writing.~
Pro:
1) Unique - This is probably the only one good thing about this story. It's written in a diary format. Pretty rare and if executed properly would be very interesting.
Brace yourself, Cooldoggy... I'm merciless....
Cons:
1)Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation - I have no idea how many time I have stated that spelling mistakes should be reduced to the minimum. Spell check is there for a reason. USE IT. Not to mention the incredible amount of "i" and lack of apostrophes. "Don't" does not equal to "dont". You might think I'm nitpicking but good spelling, grammar and punctuation goes A LONG WAY. Keeping it to the minimum is a sign of respect for your work and to the readers as well.
2)Confusing - I have no idea what are you trying to say with this story. Are you trying to write a diary about drugs and corruption in sports that involved the mafia, Zombie apocalypse or just being a loser? Seriously, you should put your focus on one. It's confusing for the readers and essentially, it tears away the focus of the main subject.
3)POV - Point of View. Now this is pretty vague. Your story is presumably written in a diary format, then why is the MC interacting with the reader? Is this suppose to be a diary or a narrative? Make it clear in your story.
4)Descriptions - Another subject that have been touched countless times by me in the past. Sure, there are times because this is a diary, the narrator or MC is supposed to know the character present already so descriptions are not very important but it plays a role. You have to at the very least, give a brief description of the characters that show up so the readers can have an image, doesn't have to be physical(since this is a diary) it could be something that corresponds to his attitude. It can be short and brief like, "Then my friend showed up. He's a stinking asshole for hogging Vicky all to himself. Don't even know why the hell I got to know him in the first place."
Overall score: 4/10
This concludes my review. You'll need to fix a lot of place but I see potential. I'll check it out once in a while.
Keep writing.~