[Summer Contest Entry 2012] And the sunset smiled.
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Wieee as title!
And here for the story:
Soare stood in the bathroom, preparing herself for a shower while humming a short tune. This, in short, meant undressing from the blue swimsuit she were dressed in into nothing at all, while humming. She did a good job. Not great, but good.
As she stood naked she heard voices outside, reminding the walls that there were other people arriving to the small summer house. Or that they had arrived since before. Soare already knew of this, so she did not take much notice of who or what. She hummed.
As she was only nineteen years old, her body was still untouched by age, which did the undressing spectacular nonetheless the unsatisfactory undressing.
She stood for a while, looking at her appearance in the mirror, eyeing the red haired girl’s green eyes in front of her. Soare was thin by genes, tall by want and had small breasts by ease. Her legs reached the floor from the top of the world, and even if she was not as well trained as she would have liked, she liked her appearance. She was cute. Momoka cute. And the girl in the mirror seemed to agree.
She hummed the short tune as she stepped in though the shower curtains.
Just as she turned on the water and felt the first drips of cool refresh, she remembered that she had forgotten to lock the door, but since everything in this particular bathroom was broken, except for the shower, most used the other one instead and seldomely went up all the way here. She figured it would not be an issue.
As nature would have it, this particular mistake was forced bigger than necessary by the young, handsomely dishevelled boy, with his black hair unruly and his blue eyes lively, the usual hen-wearing-a-tie-shirt on, rushing in through the door, dashing towards the mirror. As he heard the shower on, he turned around with speed, during speed, saw what the cause was, and crashed right into the sink. This was Mick.
Mick was the boy who belonged to the house next to the house Soare usually lived in; which effectively made them neighbours. They liked each other, and had done so for a long time but neither one of them had ever acted on these feelings before, since they both thought it was a very, very strong sense of friendship that was the cause of these feelings, even if they both pictured each other naked in passionate settings a little too often. They were, as Mick’s hipster glasses and Soare’s nonlock of the door suggested, both very naïve.
Mick got up quick enough to suggest he was unhurt, and proceeded to stare for a moment on his friend’s naked body, before rambling out the very first words he could come up with:
“God in raven’s hell! You’re beautiful! No!! Oh fuck, I’m sorry! So sorry!! I’ll be leaving right now – right this second. I’m sooo sorry!!”
Expecting hell to break out, he said all this while backing towards the door, attempting a swift escape. The door was however closed. This confused Mick and made him ramble on some more. The poor boy seemed nervous enough.
“Wait… How did the? The door? When did it – you know – close?” Now, as the rationale thing would be to open the door again, Mick did the wholeheartedly unexpected and did not open it, at all. Instead he stood with his back against it, looking at Soare when she calm and relaxed went up, wrapped a towel around her, walked over and casually reached around Mick. She then locked the door properly, like it really mattered now; like she had meant for this to happen from the start.
“I don’t follow!” Mick said stupidly, as Soare retreated a few steps away and sat down on the toilet seat (it was closed, mind). She looked at him, and smiled. Mick, again, did not follow and just slumped down where he stood, in front of the door. He did not look as afraid anymore. Instead he looked interested at her, as if he was trying to figure out a reasonable explanation for her actions.
Soare still smiled.
“I think we need to talk – or – I think we’ve needed a talk a long time now. And I do want to talk before we settle too deep into this house. Four weeks is a long time…” She looked into something Mick could not see and paused. As he could not see it himself, he used the time to steal a glance at her long legs. As she talked again, he again looked up at her, trying his best to look like he had not at all looked anywhere, except for maybe deep into something that he could not see.
“Thing is that…” Pause. “... that I like you. That is the thing. The thing of what I am trying to talk – Wait – say stuff about to you, maybe. That I do - in fact - really like you, you as in Mick, and like as in love, you know? You do know? That is why I locked the door, because – you know – I needed to talk, speak about that to you and I would not really like to be disturbed when I spoke, or talked, about that as I can’t really handle it.” She said. Unexpectedly and so on. She said it quite fast as well, and Mick used all of his longtime experience of knowing the girl he had in front of him to easily understand what she meant. And he spoke a single thing accordingly:
“What?!!” And looked bewildered. Then, after that, he spoke some more: “Why do you – why this – the shower – again? And the nakedness?! You like me?!!”
Mick was understandably confused, so it was a good thing he already was slumped against the door; his legs were not quite bearable. Soare did the only right thing here and went up, walked over, and went down beside him. And so the youths sat down beside each other, as they had done so many times throughout their lives.
She still did not speak.
“You like me?” he asked again.
“I do. A lot”, she answered.
“I thought †˜just friends’ would always be our deal. Like, we are too close to ever be something more than †˜just friends’. Haven’t you always shaken it off like a joke, whenever people say something like †˜is he your boyfriend?’ and †˜How long have you two been together?’... And you like me?”
“Don’t you like me?”
“I do” he said slowly. “I do like you – a lot.”
And they paused. Or the whole world came alive at just that moment. It is hard to tell.
In the room they sat in, the bathroom, there were a window, a little bit higher up, with a perfect view on the perfect sky. As the childhood friends sat there, both quietly thinking, they looked up through the window, seeing what the world outside their current mind frame was up to. At least one of them was relieved that it seemed to take care of its own.
The birds flew outside, against a blue, deep sky, while the lone cloud just was there to mark how beautiful a blue sky really is. The sun acted like real lightning technician, and lit up all the right things; while being somewhere else entirely, keeping out of view.
“How come you are so calm?”
“I’ve said what was important. The worst part is, however the result, over.” She breathed in. “I think – I have thought on this for a long time.”
“But still. You were long time away from calm when you spoke first. Just after I crashed in, you were speedy Gonzales. But you did not react at all when you were naked. That was strange…”
“I blanked” Soare said. “When I could think again, I realized it was a golden opportunity” Exhale – Inhale. “I did really need to talk to you before, about this, but there were never time. And so, except for me being naked, this was the best shot...”
“Yeah… Nice legs, by the way” He smiled as he reached out a hand, looking for what would present itself on the other side. His hand met hers, and she took it, for promise about a rather good tomorrow. And the scenery turned around on a new page, being just little bit brighter.
Epilogue:
The youths sat like that, and talked for a long time. They talked about all, and probably nothing as well. When the time was right, they both fell quiet, or forgot to talk; as the sun reddened the scenery, and the clouds were just dramatic extras in the perfect sunset. The beach just outside proved later to be a better viewing point, but now, this frame was all they needed. They were together.
And her hand held his tight and was not going to let go. Not for a long, long time.
And the sunset smiled.
And here for the story:
Soare stood in the bathroom, preparing herself for a shower while humming a short tune. This, in short, meant undressing from the blue swimsuit she were dressed in into nothing at all, while humming. She did a good job. Not great, but good.
As she stood naked she heard voices outside, reminding the walls that there were other people arriving to the small summer house. Or that they had arrived since before. Soare already knew of this, so she did not take much notice of who or what. She hummed.
As she was only nineteen years old, her body was still untouched by age, which did the undressing spectacular nonetheless the unsatisfactory undressing.
She stood for a while, looking at her appearance in the mirror, eyeing the red haired girl’s green eyes in front of her. Soare was thin by genes, tall by want and had small breasts by ease. Her legs reached the floor from the top of the world, and even if she was not as well trained as she would have liked, she liked her appearance. She was cute. Momoka cute. And the girl in the mirror seemed to agree.
She hummed the short tune as she stepped in though the shower curtains.
Just as she turned on the water and felt the first drips of cool refresh, she remembered that she had forgotten to lock the door, but since everything in this particular bathroom was broken, except for the shower, most used the other one instead and seldomely went up all the way here. She figured it would not be an issue.
As nature would have it, this particular mistake was forced bigger than necessary by the young, handsomely dishevelled boy, with his black hair unruly and his blue eyes lively, the usual hen-wearing-a-tie-shirt on, rushing in through the door, dashing towards the mirror. As he heard the shower on, he turned around with speed, during speed, saw what the cause was, and crashed right into the sink. This was Mick.
Mick was the boy who belonged to the house next to the house Soare usually lived in; which effectively made them neighbours. They liked each other, and had done so for a long time but neither one of them had ever acted on these feelings before, since they both thought it was a very, very strong sense of friendship that was the cause of these feelings, even if they both pictured each other naked in passionate settings a little too often. They were, as Mick’s hipster glasses and Soare’s nonlock of the door suggested, both very naïve.
Mick got up quick enough to suggest he was unhurt, and proceeded to stare for a moment on his friend’s naked body, before rambling out the very first words he could come up with:
“God in raven’s hell! You’re beautiful! No!! Oh fuck, I’m sorry! So sorry!! I’ll be leaving right now – right this second. I’m sooo sorry!!”
Expecting hell to break out, he said all this while backing towards the door, attempting a swift escape. The door was however closed. This confused Mick and made him ramble on some more. The poor boy seemed nervous enough.
“Wait… How did the? The door? When did it – you know – close?” Now, as the rationale thing would be to open the door again, Mick did the wholeheartedly unexpected and did not open it, at all. Instead he stood with his back against it, looking at Soare when she calm and relaxed went up, wrapped a towel around her, walked over and casually reached around Mick. She then locked the door properly, like it really mattered now; like she had meant for this to happen from the start.
“I don’t follow!” Mick said stupidly, as Soare retreated a few steps away and sat down on the toilet seat (it was closed, mind). She looked at him, and smiled. Mick, again, did not follow and just slumped down where he stood, in front of the door. He did not look as afraid anymore. Instead he looked interested at her, as if he was trying to figure out a reasonable explanation for her actions.
Soare still smiled.
“I think we need to talk – or – I think we’ve needed a talk a long time now. And I do want to talk before we settle too deep into this house. Four weeks is a long time…” She looked into something Mick could not see and paused. As he could not see it himself, he used the time to steal a glance at her long legs. As she talked again, he again looked up at her, trying his best to look like he had not at all looked anywhere, except for maybe deep into something that he could not see.
“Thing is that…” Pause. “... that I like you. That is the thing. The thing of what I am trying to talk – Wait – say stuff about to you, maybe. That I do - in fact - really like you, you as in Mick, and like as in love, you know? You do know? That is why I locked the door, because – you know – I needed to talk, speak about that to you and I would not really like to be disturbed when I spoke, or talked, about that as I can’t really handle it.” She said. Unexpectedly and so on. She said it quite fast as well, and Mick used all of his longtime experience of knowing the girl he had in front of him to easily understand what she meant. And he spoke a single thing accordingly:
“What?!!” And looked bewildered. Then, after that, he spoke some more: “Why do you – why this – the shower – again? And the nakedness?! You like me?!!”
Mick was understandably confused, so it was a good thing he already was slumped against the door; his legs were not quite bearable. Soare did the only right thing here and went up, walked over, and went down beside him. And so the youths sat down beside each other, as they had done so many times throughout their lives.
She still did not speak.
“You like me?” he asked again.
“I do. A lot”, she answered.
“I thought †˜just friends’ would always be our deal. Like, we are too close to ever be something more than †˜just friends’. Haven’t you always shaken it off like a joke, whenever people say something like †˜is he your boyfriend?’ and †˜How long have you two been together?’... And you like me?”
“Don’t you like me?”
“I do” he said slowly. “I do like you – a lot.”
And they paused. Or the whole world came alive at just that moment. It is hard to tell.
In the room they sat in, the bathroom, there were a window, a little bit higher up, with a perfect view on the perfect sky. As the childhood friends sat there, both quietly thinking, they looked up through the window, seeing what the world outside their current mind frame was up to. At least one of them was relieved that it seemed to take care of its own.
The birds flew outside, against a blue, deep sky, while the lone cloud just was there to mark how beautiful a blue sky really is. The sun acted like real lightning technician, and lit up all the right things; while being somewhere else entirely, keeping out of view.
“How come you are so calm?”
“I’ve said what was important. The worst part is, however the result, over.” She breathed in. “I think – I have thought on this for a long time.”
“But still. You were long time away from calm when you spoke first. Just after I crashed in, you were speedy Gonzales. But you did not react at all when you were naked. That was strange…”
“I blanked” Soare said. “When I could think again, I realized it was a golden opportunity” Exhale – Inhale. “I did really need to talk to you before, about this, but there were never time. And so, except for me being naked, this was the best shot...”
“Yeah… Nice legs, by the way” He smiled as he reached out a hand, looking for what would present itself on the other side. His hand met hers, and she took it, for promise about a rather good tomorrow. And the scenery turned around on a new page, being just little bit brighter.
Epilogue:
The youths sat like that, and talked for a long time. They talked about all, and probably nothing as well. When the time was right, they both fell quiet, or forgot to talk; as the sun reddened the scenery, and the clouds were just dramatic extras in the perfect sunset. The beach just outside proved later to be a better viewing point, but now, this frame was all they needed. They were together.
And her hand held his tight and was not going to let go. Not for a long, long time.
And the sunset smiled.
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Very cute entry.
Thanks for noting the toilet seat was closed, otherwise I would've thought
she was going to go Two Girls One Cup on us. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for noting the toilet seat was closed, otherwise I would've thought
she was going to go Two Girls One Cup on us. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you! I appreciate your comment!
It seemed appropriate to note, due to the site we're on. Glad you enjoyed it!
It seemed appropriate to note, due to the site we're on. Glad you enjoyed it!
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Sorry for the delay, but here is my review:
Good: I enjoyed the detail that you put into the story. Additionally, I actually enjoyed just how you introduced your characters and I could actually sympathize with them on a certain level. Vivid descriptions are always a plus in my book.
Bad: Frankly, the basic premise seems like something out of a hentai manga and, while this is posted on the FAKKU forums, this doesn't make for the best story telling. Actually, it's a bit worse than that because it has all the build up for a stereotypical hentai manga, but doesn't actually go through with it. Also, while their is a climax, the falling action is a bit weak and the resolution as an epilogue could have been done better.
Good: I enjoyed the detail that you put into the story. Additionally, I actually enjoyed just how you introduced your characters and I could actually sympathize with them on a certain level. Vivid descriptions are always a plus in my book.
Bad: Frankly, the basic premise seems like something out of a hentai manga and, while this is posted on the FAKKU forums, this doesn't make for the best story telling. Actually, it's a bit worse than that because it has all the build up for a stereotypical hentai manga, but doesn't actually go through with it. Also, while their is a climax, the falling action is a bit weak and the resolution as an epilogue could have been done better.
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No worries, I am glad for every review, late or not.
Thank you. I appreciate that you actually point out what you thought was good about it, and what you thought was bad.
Your critique is understandable, and I can see how the basic premise is somewhat weak. That was also my biggest concern, but I was too lazy at the time, and did not put enough thought in the story before I started to write. Something I will think about next time.
The build up was something I actually thought of, as I did not want it to resolve into a typical, expected sexscene. My goal was that even if the basic premise was a bit (if not very) unbelievable, the characters would not gung ho and start behaving unrealistic per say. I wanted to keep a certain sense of reality in their responses and reactions. It was not a sexstory, but a romance story, even if the girl was naked.
And, if I may ask for it, could you please elaborate on the critique about the epilogue? Is it the epilogue you feel are weekly written or that it ended in an epilogue at all?
Thank you. I appreciate that you actually point out what you thought was good about it, and what you thought was bad.
Your critique is understandable, and I can see how the basic premise is somewhat weak. That was also my biggest concern, but I was too lazy at the time, and did not put enough thought in the story before I started to write. Something I will think about next time.
The build up was something I actually thought of, as I did not want it to resolve into a typical, expected sexscene. My goal was that even if the basic premise was a bit (if not very) unbelievable, the characters would not gung ho and start behaving unrealistic per say. I wanted to keep a certain sense of reality in their responses and reactions. It was not a sexstory, but a romance story, even if the girl was naked.
And, if I may ask for it, could you please elaborate on the critique about the epilogue? Is it the epilogue you feel are weekly written or that it ended in an epilogue at all?
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To elaborate, I felt that you did not actually have to have the epilogue separated and it could have been incorporated into the story a little better. It wasn't a terrible epilogue at all, though it felt very disconnected from the main story.