[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Brought Together by the Rainbow
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Castelia City, by far one of the largest cities Ash had ever seen, loomed around him. "Wow!" He exclaimed. "Very impressive, isn't it?" Cilan asked. "Yeah!" Ash said. He, Cilan, and Iris wandered around Castelia, taking in the sights. Iris didn't like that there were so many people, this fact showing on her face. With one assuring hand on her shoulder from Ash, she calmed down somewhat. "When you're in Castelia, you have to get in line for a Casteliacone." Iris told her friends. "Ah, true. It's hugely popular, so they tend to run out quickly." Cilan told them. "People from all over Unova come here just to get a taste. It's really good ice cream!" Iris said, remembering the taste. "Pika!" Pikachu chimed in, wanting to taste it as well. "I'll get in line to get us some. Hopefully they give me some leniency because I'm a gym leader." Cilan said, willing to endure for the famous ice cream. With that, he walked off, heading toward Castelia's Famous Casteliacone.
"Hey Ash, while he waits, why don't we head to Cafe Sonata?" Iris inquired. "What's that?" Ash asked. "It's a cafe on the right side of Narrow Street. The music there is so relaxing." Iris explained. "Sure." With this, the two friends walked to Narrow Street.
Carefully avoiding the suspicious characters loitering around, Ash and Iris found their way to Cafe Sonata. When they arrived, they were seated at a table and provided complimentary lemonades. The musician on the stage began to play his guitar, a soft, relaxing tune filling the room and the people's hearts. "Pika pika..." Pikachu started to relax, resting his head on the table. Iris sighed, putting her elbows on the table and resting her head on her hands. Her Axew rested on her head, heaving a sigh with his eyes closed. She closed her eyes and began to deeply relax.
Ash couldn't sit still while in a new city. He adjusted his cap and stood. "Iris, Pikachu, why don't we go check out Liberty Pier?" He suggested, somewhat bored. He liked music, but he was too excited about the new location. "Eh...in a bit." Iris said in a dreamy tone. "Piii..." Pikachu agreed. Ash grumbled. He hated to leave them be, but he was in a new city and entirely too eager to check it all out. "I'll be back in a while then." Ash said stubbornly. He heard about the legend of Victini and really wanted to check that out as well.
He left the cafe and headed toward Liberty Pier, hoping to at least gather information on Liberty Garden. Gathering information about Unity Pier and Unity Tower was also on his agenda. With Iris and Pikachu relaxing to music and Cilan on line at the ice cream stand, Ash had time to spare. Splitting up in a new city was not a good idea, but they had a meeting place: the Central Plaza.
Ashed passed by a building called Fakku industries with suspicious people coming and going. The group was told dangerous people tend to wander the city. A girl left the builing, wearing a red t-shirt with the company logo, long pigtails and blue eyes. She didn't look dangerous. He shrugged and kept going, deciding that they were not as dangerous as they seemed.
When the Pokemon trainer from Pallet Town of Kanto arrived at Liberty Pier, it wasn't information about Victini that caught his attention. The ship's captain was talking about a passenger that arrived from Kanto. "Yeah, Cerulean City's gym leader, Misty. She said she was going to check out Rainbow Valley." The captain told his friend from the city. "Misty..." Ash whispered. His heart skipped a beat. He turned and ran back to Route 4.
It took quite a bit of effort to reach Rainbow Valley in good time. By the time he arrived, he leaned against a rock wall and panted hard, trying to catch his breath. He didn't want to miss her, so after a minute of rest, he began to look around carefully for the girl from Cerulean City.
"Hey kid, you owe me a new bike!" A girl shouted from behind him. He spun around and saw Misty. She flicked up a hat on her head with a finger and grinned. "Misty!" Ash was surprised. What got him more was that the hat she was wearing was his old hat from the Pokemon League Expo, something it took millions of postcards to win. "What are you doing with my old hat?" He inquired, absolutely baffled. Misty laughed. "I picked it up from your house before I came to Unova. Your mother let me take it without even questioning me. Though her smile was a bit off..." She explained. She pondered on it for a moment before taking notice of something and rushing off. Ash, still tired, ran after her.
Ash and Misty watched as the Cottonee blew on the Diamond Breeze. They were in awe at the rainbow the valley is named after. Ash and his friends had seen it before, but it was still just as beautiful as before. Misty quickly took Ash's hand, her heart racing. Ash looked at her, confused. She was clearly nervous, hiding her face with the front of his old cap. "Ash...when I heard about this place, I wanted to come here. One way or another...I wanted to come here with you..." She began. "Why?" He asked. Misty squeezed his hand. She looked at him, her face red and her eyes watering. "Why? Because for the longest time...for the longest time...!" She fought herself to say the words. Ash was taken aback. Misty looked to the ground. "I have loved you for the longest time..." She finally confessed her feelings to him.
Ash was caught completely off-guard by her words. His mind was reeling from it all. Misty looked back to him, giving a weak look. Ash closed his eyes and sighed. He gripped her hand and gave her a serious look. No matter the relationship, he truly cared about her. With his right hand he spun his hat around before doing the same to Misty's, then moved in and kissed her on the lips. He wanted to answer her feelings with his own and hoped this would suffice. Now Misty was caught off-guard, her eyes wide open. She closed them and kissed him back, thankful that Ash felt the same way, and happier than ever that her first kiss was like this. Misty interlaced their fingers. Surrounded by love and a rainbow, this was Misty's second favorite day, the first being when they met. She would remember both forever.
"Ahahaha! Prepare for trouble!" Came a familiar voice. Stunned from their own little world, Ash and Misty looked in the air and saw Jessie, James, and Meowth in their blimp. "Uhh Jessie? I think we disturbed them..." James whispered. "Oh..." Jessie saw it. Misty had tears in her eyes. She looked angry, embarrassed, and frustrated all at once. She took out a Pokeball, tapped the button to bring it to full size, and threw it. "Go! Gyarados!" She cried. In a flash of light, the large and dangerous Pokemon appeared on command and gave a mighty roar. The three from Team Rocket yelled in fear and panic. "We'll just get going!" They fled in terror from the enraged maiden of water.
Ash chuckled. "What?" Misty snapped at him. "You look cute when you're angry." He commented. "Oh...really?" She smiled bashfully. She looked to him. With his back to the setting sun and rainbow, she remembered all the times they had together, and all the times she saw him as a hero. She ran into his arm and they embraced one another and kissed once more.
Ash walked Misty back to Castelia City so she could get on the ship back to the Kanto region. "Misty, why did you take my old hat?" He inquired once more. "Because, if you want it back, you'll have to come back to me." She answered, winking and sticking her tongue out with a smile. "Okay." Ash agreed to her terms. Misty giggled and walked into the ship.
Just as the ship set sail, Cilan, Iris, and Pikachu found him. "Where were you?" Iris asked. He looked back to his friends. "Just taking an example from the Cottonee." He replied. Bewildered, Cilan handed out the Casteliacones to his friends. They walked together to look around the large city.
Misty looked out the back of the ship, hoping her thoughts reach Ash. 'I love you.' Ash looked back to her with a knowing smile.
With Misty's words firmly in his heart, Ash continued his journey to become a Pokemon Master, wanting to prove himself to her.
[Edited to include Fakku cameo, and to add footnote that I edited.]
"Hey Ash, while he waits, why don't we head to Cafe Sonata?" Iris inquired. "What's that?" Ash asked. "It's a cafe on the right side of Narrow Street. The music there is so relaxing." Iris explained. "Sure." With this, the two friends walked to Narrow Street.
Carefully avoiding the suspicious characters loitering around, Ash and Iris found their way to Cafe Sonata. When they arrived, they were seated at a table and provided complimentary lemonades. The musician on the stage began to play his guitar, a soft, relaxing tune filling the room and the people's hearts. "Pika pika..." Pikachu started to relax, resting his head on the table. Iris sighed, putting her elbows on the table and resting her head on her hands. Her Axew rested on her head, heaving a sigh with his eyes closed. She closed her eyes and began to deeply relax.
Ash couldn't sit still while in a new city. He adjusted his cap and stood. "Iris, Pikachu, why don't we go check out Liberty Pier?" He suggested, somewhat bored. He liked music, but he was too excited about the new location. "Eh...in a bit." Iris said in a dreamy tone. "Piii..." Pikachu agreed. Ash grumbled. He hated to leave them be, but he was in a new city and entirely too eager to check it all out. "I'll be back in a while then." Ash said stubbornly. He heard about the legend of Victini and really wanted to check that out as well.
He left the cafe and headed toward Liberty Pier, hoping to at least gather information on Liberty Garden. Gathering information about Unity Pier and Unity Tower was also on his agenda. With Iris and Pikachu relaxing to music and Cilan on line at the ice cream stand, Ash had time to spare. Splitting up in a new city was not a good idea, but they had a meeting place: the Central Plaza.
Ashed passed by a building called Fakku industries with suspicious people coming and going. The group was told dangerous people tend to wander the city. A girl left the builing, wearing a red t-shirt with the company logo, long pigtails and blue eyes. She didn't look dangerous. He shrugged and kept going, deciding that they were not as dangerous as they seemed.
When the Pokemon trainer from Pallet Town of Kanto arrived at Liberty Pier, it wasn't information about Victini that caught his attention. The ship's captain was talking about a passenger that arrived from Kanto. "Yeah, Cerulean City's gym leader, Misty. She said she was going to check out Rainbow Valley." The captain told his friend from the city. "Misty..." Ash whispered. His heart skipped a beat. He turned and ran back to Route 4.
It took quite a bit of effort to reach Rainbow Valley in good time. By the time he arrived, he leaned against a rock wall and panted hard, trying to catch his breath. He didn't want to miss her, so after a minute of rest, he began to look around carefully for the girl from Cerulean City.
"Hey kid, you owe me a new bike!" A girl shouted from behind him. He spun around and saw Misty. She flicked up a hat on her head with a finger and grinned. "Misty!" Ash was surprised. What got him more was that the hat she was wearing was his old hat from the Pokemon League Expo, something it took millions of postcards to win. "What are you doing with my old hat?" He inquired, absolutely baffled. Misty laughed. "I picked it up from your house before I came to Unova. Your mother let me take it without even questioning me. Though her smile was a bit off..." She explained. She pondered on it for a moment before taking notice of something and rushing off. Ash, still tired, ran after her.
Ash and Misty watched as the Cottonee blew on the Diamond Breeze. They were in awe at the rainbow the valley is named after. Ash and his friends had seen it before, but it was still just as beautiful as before. Misty quickly took Ash's hand, her heart racing. Ash looked at her, confused. She was clearly nervous, hiding her face with the front of his old cap. "Ash...when I heard about this place, I wanted to come here. One way or another...I wanted to come here with you..." She began. "Why?" He asked. Misty squeezed his hand. She looked at him, her face red and her eyes watering. "Why? Because for the longest time...for the longest time...!" She fought herself to say the words. Ash was taken aback. Misty looked to the ground. "I have loved you for the longest time..." She finally confessed her feelings to him.
Ash was caught completely off-guard by her words. His mind was reeling from it all. Misty looked back to him, giving a weak look. Ash closed his eyes and sighed. He gripped her hand and gave her a serious look. No matter the relationship, he truly cared about her. With his right hand he spun his hat around before doing the same to Misty's, then moved in and kissed her on the lips. He wanted to answer her feelings with his own and hoped this would suffice. Now Misty was caught off-guard, her eyes wide open. She closed them and kissed him back, thankful that Ash felt the same way, and happier than ever that her first kiss was like this. Misty interlaced their fingers. Surrounded by love and a rainbow, this was Misty's second favorite day, the first being when they met. She would remember both forever.
"Ahahaha! Prepare for trouble!" Came a familiar voice. Stunned from their own little world, Ash and Misty looked in the air and saw Jessie, James, and Meowth in their blimp. "Uhh Jessie? I think we disturbed them..." James whispered. "Oh..." Jessie saw it. Misty had tears in her eyes. She looked angry, embarrassed, and frustrated all at once. She took out a Pokeball, tapped the button to bring it to full size, and threw it. "Go! Gyarados!" She cried. In a flash of light, the large and dangerous Pokemon appeared on command and gave a mighty roar. The three from Team Rocket yelled in fear and panic. "We'll just get going!" They fled in terror from the enraged maiden of water.
Ash chuckled. "What?" Misty snapped at him. "You look cute when you're angry." He commented. "Oh...really?" She smiled bashfully. She looked to him. With his back to the setting sun and rainbow, she remembered all the times they had together, and all the times she saw him as a hero. She ran into his arm and they embraced one another and kissed once more.
Ash walked Misty back to Castelia City so she could get on the ship back to the Kanto region. "Misty, why did you take my old hat?" He inquired once more. "Because, if you want it back, you'll have to come back to me." She answered, winking and sticking her tongue out with a smile. "Okay." Ash agreed to her terms. Misty giggled and walked into the ship.
Just as the ship set sail, Cilan, Iris, and Pikachu found him. "Where were you?" Iris asked. He looked back to his friends. "Just taking an example from the Cottonee." He replied. Bewildered, Cilan handed out the Casteliacones to his friends. They walked together to look around the large city.
Misty looked out the back of the ship, hoping her thoughts reach Ash. 'I love you.' Ash looked back to her with a knowing smile.
With Misty's words firmly in his heart, Ash continued his journey to become a Pokemon Master, wanting to prove himself to her.
[Edited to include Fakku cameo, and to add footnote that I edited.]
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Review #14
Note: If this is going to be a fan-fiction, please say it.
Note 2: I dislike most fan-fiction in general, so I’m going to review this as a normal story with fantasy elements.
The Good: In terms of story, you have a clear introduction into the world of the story, a purpose for the main character, and a quasi-past/present kind of thing going on at the end. If I actually wanted to read a fan fiction, I guess I wouldn’t need descriptions for all the pokemon…
Grammer: OK
The OK: I would really hope that you pretend that the reader has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I usually disregard fan-fictions, but for the sake of the contest, I’m reading all 0 reviewed stories if possible. Though I understood some of the references since my knowledge of pokemon stops at Generation 1, I would like a little more on the romance side. Even though it is a fan fiction, you should focus on the romantic side more.
The Bad: It’s a fan fiction. The issue with fan fictions is that they are either too self-aware that it is a fan fiction or it is too unaware. The major benefit you get as a fan fiction writer is that the world is already created. You’re just playing with the puppets. At the same time, every piece of writing needs descriptions. You have almost no descriptions even in the original content areas. Because of that, the world seems very flat and unable to evolve.
Note: If this is going to be a fan-fiction, please say it.
Note 2: I dislike most fan-fiction in general, so I’m going to review this as a normal story with fantasy elements.
The Good: In terms of story, you have a clear introduction into the world of the story, a purpose for the main character, and a quasi-past/present kind of thing going on at the end. If I actually wanted to read a fan fiction, I guess I wouldn’t need descriptions for all the pokemon…
Grammer: OK
The OK: I would really hope that you pretend that the reader has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I usually disregard fan-fictions, but for the sake of the contest, I’m reading all 0 reviewed stories if possible. Though I understood some of the references since my knowledge of pokemon stops at Generation 1, I would like a little more on the romance side. Even though it is a fan fiction, you should focus on the romantic side more.
The Bad: It’s a fan fiction. The issue with fan fictions is that they are either too self-aware that it is a fan fiction or it is too unaware. The major benefit you get as a fan fiction writer is that the world is already created. You’re just playing with the puppets. At the same time, every piece of writing needs descriptions. You have almost no descriptions even in the original content areas. Because of that, the world seems very flat and unable to evolve.