[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Eternity

Eternity

Rain and wind shake the windows, letting loose a terrible rattling throughout the old house. There are no lights on anywhere, and the only sign of life is a girl curled up in an old leather chair. She has long dark brown hair covering her slender, sleeping face. Lightning flashes outside, briefly lighting up the room. The girl stirs, sitting up in the chair and rubbing her eyes. Her arms drop to her lap and she stares at the wooden doors at the far end of the room. Her eyes are a dark blue, nearly blending in with her pupils in the dark room.

So long… she thinks as she stares. So long since she left…

The girl then turns her head to stare at the wall, where several pictures hang in old wooden frames. One of the pictures is of her, with her name engraved in the bottom of the frame; Miyako Jung. Her gaze shifts to the window, where she can see the downpour hammering the cobblestone roads of Bernshausen, Germany. Despite it being the middle of June, the rain has not stopped for over a week.

The lightning flashes again, and the rumbling thunder makes the rickety floorboards of the house shake uncontrollably. Miyako’s insides seem to rumble with it as well, to the point where she can feel her heart throbbing in her chest. The rumbling outside fades, but the feeling of her heart remains and she tries to clutch at the center of her chest, but no matter how hard she pushes her hands into her chest, she cannot stop the feeling of her heart being crushed by some unknown force.

A drop of water hits one of her arms, and she looks up to see if there is a leak in the roof. Even though the roof looks like it was hastily thrown together, she could not see signs of a leak. Her eyes travel back to the window, where she sees a reflection of herself in the glass, and on the side of her face she can see a small stream of water dripping down her cheek. She wipes at the stream but it continues flowing steadily from her eye.

“wh…why…?” she asks herself as she wipes away more of the tears.

More thunder rumbles, but in the midst of it she can make out a small creaking from the far end of the room. The door is being shut by a tall woman wearing a long, drenched raincoat. The woman removes the hood, revealing a head of short black hair. Water soaks the wooden floor as she removes the raincoat and hangs it near the door. She is wearing simple, straight black pants and a white button-up work shirt. After removing her shoes at the door, she notices Miyako sitting in the chair with tears still streaming down her cheeks.

The woman sighs, then says, “Why do you still cry, Miyako…?”

Miyako looks confused for a moment, but then lowers her head slightly and whispers to herself, “s…sorry…Nee-sama…”

The woman smiles slightly, “You don’t need to be sorry, Miyako, but how many times must I tell you to call me by my name?”

“Ah, s-sorry…Kiyako…”

“I told you, you don’t need to apologize…” Kiyako walks up to the chair, still smiling slightly. “Did you miss me?”

“O-Of course I did…” Miyako pulls her legs back up into the chair, avoiding Kiyako’s eyes.

Kiyako is quiet as she stares down at Miyako, still holding herself in an uptight, work posture. After a few moments she leans forward and lightly touches Miyako’s cheek. Miyako’s eyes suddenly widen and she freezes up. Her heart pounds furiously in her chest and she can feel drips of sweat going down her forehead and arms. Hot, ragged breaths escape her lungs.

The feeling of the hot air hitting her arm makes Kiyako pull back for a second, but then pushes herself forward and embraces Miyako tightly in her arms. This time her own hot breath escapes across Miyako’s ear and neck, making them both shiver a little.

Thunder outside surprises them, and Kiyako pulls back, standing up and moving away. Not looking at Miyako, she mutters very softly, “…sorry…” and starts gathering her items from the front doorstep to take to her room. As she walks past the chair with her things in hand, she feels a light tug on her clothes from behind her. She turns around and sees Miyako holding onto her shirt sleeve.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

Miyako hesitates, turning her head away for a moment, but then quickly looks back up into Kiyako’s eyes. “Please…please l-let me come…with you…”

Kiyako looks down at Miyako again, looking deep into her eyes this time. She then sighs once more, then says, “Very well…you tend to make this difficult on me, don’t you?”

Miyako doesn’t understand quite what Kiyako is talking about, but gets out of the chair, still holding her shirt, and starts walking behind her to the back rooms. They enter a small room where the walls are a peeling pink, a multitude of posters hang across the walls, and a small lamp sits on a short table at the end of the faded pink bed. Kiyako switches on the lamp and begins to organize her work. Miyako steps aside and looks at the different posters hanging around the room.

One of the posters that has always caught Miyako’s attention is the one right above Kiyako’s bed; it’s a poster of a girl with pink hair wearing a red shirt with a large exclamation point on it. To the side †˜Momoka’ is written in large black letters. Kiyako has always had that picture hanging there, but she would never tell Miyako who this Momoka was or why the picture was there to begin with. She’d always say that it was a character for an activity that Miyako shouldn’t be associated with, and Miyako never understood why.

Recently, however, Miyako has seen a couple new pictures of this Momoka hung up alongside the original above Kiyako’s bed. She always remembered what the top of the bed normally looked like, but hardly remembered what other places usually looked like.

The house creeks and shakes as another wave of thunder passes through. After the sound fades away, Kiyako’s lamp suddenly turns off. “Ah, that’s too bad…” she says as she puts down the papers she was sorting. She walks over to where Miyako is and walks her over to the bed. “Miyako…” she whispers into Miyako’s ear, her breath becoming ragged again. She pushes Miyako onto the bed and falls on top of her, their bodies becoming entwined.

“Uuu…N-Nee-sama…” Miyako moans as she feels the warmth of Kiyako’s body spreading into her.

“Yes…let’s make this summer a little warmer…”

---

Rain and wind slam against the sturdy windows of a large company building, where Kiyako sits inside. She stares at her reflection in the window, thinking about her relationship with Miyako.

I am a foul sinner, aren’t I? She thinks to herself. Her body is sublime, a truly great thing to behold. It is an honor that I am the only one who sees it… And a shame. For not just anyone, but a member of her own family, her sister at that, to be the only one to see that beautiful body is a true shame… To have such a relationship that is truly soaked with the sin of incest…

What more can I do? Ever since Mother died she’s been like this…crying for reasons she does not know, and forgetting everything that has happened in a day after falling asleep…She probably doesn’t even know of the bond I’ve shared with her all these years…

But what more is there that I can do? I swore to Mother before she died that I would always protect Miyako, for all eternity if need be. …Did she already know how I felt at that time? …Or have I started thinking too much at work again?

I want her heart to be safe, and I want her to be happy… so I will just have to try…continuing and hoping that one day she will recover her memory, and that she will remember the bond we share, no matter how drowned in sin it is. I won’t let this tragedy last for eternity, no matter the hardships that await me in the journey for that goal.

After all, that’s what I decided when I fell in love with her.

Ende

The entirety of this work, including all of the characters and events, is entirely fictional. Any relation to real events, people alive or dead, or user cameos, is completely coincidental.

Fucking flawless wording bro.

Best one I've read so far.

Thanks so much! I'm not very confident in my writing skill, so it's good to know someone's enjoying it

Normally, I will just read a story then ignore it. But this time, I cant help but say that the way you constructed this story got one hell of a promise. I mean I could almost imagine them and the way you set up the mood was damn flawless just a few more innovations in your words and you will be a pro.

Damn, the contest is getting more and more intense

Thanks for the wonderful comment, it's given me some inspiration to keep writing good stories! Expect some new stuff in the writing/fanfiction section eventually

Ah, sweet love of yuri, is it? Good job writing this. I enjoyed reading your entry!

Thank you, I'll do my best to make some more good stories!

Very cute. Reminds me of a student film I watched a few years ago. Keep it up.

Critiquing,

Okay. First, I think the combination of the characters and the setting is kind of awkward. Say, the names you used are Miyako Jung, Kiyako, Nee-san, etc.,are all Japanese right? And then, the setting would be in Bernshausen, Germany?! I thought the protagonist was crying because she misses her land, but that is not what happened. What I am saying is that you should’ve used elements that compliment each other, in order to make the story stronger. But, of course, that was your choice.

Second, I should say that you had a good wording with the first few paragraphs, but I think you have failed to be consistent with the entire work. The protagonist pays attention so much at the beginning, giving the readers a lot of details to pay attention to. But when the second character entered, everything became straight and sort of, out of focus. The artistry declined.

Third, you shouldn’t have paid so much attention to Momoka, since it didn’t really affects the story. A couple of sentences would be enough, I guess.

Fourth, and the most important, you failed (in my opinion) to give us that oh-I’m-so-dirty-coz-I’m-incest feeling. Instead of the protagonist crying, looking at picture frames, at the thunder, etc. Why haven’t you used the words to narrate how close the protagonist was to her lover? Why haven’t you told us about their past?

(And I think the story would be better at first person narrative.)
(Oh, and also, is that summer? It looks like their having a storm or typhoon out there.)

Still, the story was worth reading. I give to you my sincerest regards.

Thank you for your critique. In regards to it, I have a few answers to most of the things you noted.

First off, the names/setting; I wasn't expecting it to be too obvious, but Jung is actually a German surname, so the characters Miyako Jung and Kiyako Jung are both half-Japanese half-German.

In regards to your second comment, I do see your point, my detailing did trail off once Kiyako arrived. That was, however, partly due to the word limit which made me have to review and edit quite a few times.

Third, I also agree with your statement about needing less detail on Momoka, that was my own clumsiness for not knowing how little detail I would need for it to pass the Contest entry rules.

Finally, the relationship between Miyako and Kiyako is not meant to be explicitly obvious at the beginning of the work, I wanted to add suspense, but that may just not be my most perfected style. It also didn't quite fit the style of the story, since it was mostly from Miyako's point of view, for her to know anything about her future, past, or present life with her mental condition.

My original first draft of this actually was in first person, but I completely redid it mainly because I did not trust my skills in first-person; I am more specialized in third-person writing and I did not want my work to be too poorly written for the contest.

The weather also was not actually meant to reflect the actual season but reflect the conflicts occurring in people's hearts. The point was for the normally bright and happy season to be overridden by the power of these people's emotions as they tumble out of control.

Thank you, again, for the critique, I will try to improve my writing even further in the future.

And thanks for the encouragement, Grock!

[size=12][/h] This was the first story I read and was the main reason for me even trying to enter this contest. Very well written and beautifully described. It was a touching story.

Good: What an opening. Not only could I picture the setting, but I could practically hear the thunder from your vivid descriptions. Also, the general concept takes a somewhat typical concept and puts an interesting spin on it. Actually, I’d say that you’ve combined two concepts together successfully. Hell, I was even satisfied with the resolution.

Bad: While I do appreciate the ending, my main gripe is that the falling action of this story was all exposition and, as previously stated, the level of detail went down. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was necessary, but a bit too much exposition at the cost of details. Also, the beginning was a little vague and confusing at times. Specifically, Miyako waiting for Kiyako.

This entry was among one of my favorites since the beginning because of your amazing sense of description and near flawless writing. I love reading about deep complex issues that pierce into the soul of the character, and in turn, the reader. You've done a wonderful job with this entry and I hope you continue to frequent this section because we would lose talent if you leave with the contest.

Also, I don't know if you named them Jung after Carl Jung, but I get the reference if that is so.

Thank you very much, I had a great time participating in the contest!
I haven't made many posts recently due to several trips going on, but I am currently working on another piece of writing and will be sure to post it in the Writing and Fanfiction section once I finish it

Thanks again for everyone's support!

I read this again. It's a sublime tale with a mixture of darkness.

Ah the nostalgia from just looking at these summer contest entries...