[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Just One Summer
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Hey there folks and yolks, I pretty much rewrote the story, did more coloring in, less fluff, more juice and meat. It's pretty much the opposite of what it was before now. But one thing stayed the same, there's still a music recommendation!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WROUOOtC7U
To sum it up, the story's more surreal now.
My name is Joshua. I'm thirteen-years-old and I like exploring. I'm currently waiting for my friend, Emilia.
"Joooooooosh!" a voice outside says loudly. Looks like she's here.
"Emi, hold on tight okay?"
"I know already, don't worry," she answers with a smile.
I stare down the tallest hill in town and it feels like jelly replaced my legs. I swallow the saliva in my mouth before pushing off and our descent begins. As we begin to pick up speed it's like our bodies are disappearing into thin air. It almost feels like we're flying...
I hear a sickening crack before the world sets itself right again. With my eyes still squeezed shut I whisper, "Josh? Josh, say something..."
I don't hear anything. Then, in the darkness and silence I feel something warm and wet. I open my eyes and I immediately wish I hadn't as my world shatters when I see what I've done.
I jump upright with cold sweat pouring down my face. I'm greeted by the sun's rays shining through my window. I can't get that nightmare out of my head... Wait, was it a nightmare? Now I can't remember...
My alarm suddenly goes off and I naturally get into my morning routine. I step onto the wooden floor towards my old bathroom. I use the toilet then brush my teeth. Once again I'm greeted by my own face, with the same old brown hair and brown eyes. I finish up and remember that Emi's supposed to come over today so that we can do her list of Things-To-Do-Before-Josh-Moves-Away.
"Joooooooosh!" a voice outside says loudly. Looks like she's here. I quickly get changed before stepping outside to greet her, "Morning Emi."
Emi and I have known each other since we were kids. We both live on the same hilltop on the outskirts of town. She has brown hair like me but it's a lighter shade. The most beautiful part about her is probably her honey-colored eyes that I've noticed sparkle like stars when they're watching the sun.
"Gooooood morning! Get out your bike, we're riding down Fakku's Site!"
"Sure, but where's your bike?"
"Don't be silly, I'll just sit behind you!"
Huh? It suddenly feels like I have vertigo and my head feels light. I quickly say, "Sorry, I don't think that's such a good idea..."
"What're you talking about? Come on, let's go right now!"
"Nah, let's do something else. What about the beach?"
"Gosh, we can go to the beach any day! But fine, if you're gonna be like that!"
Emi pouts but I start walking towards the beach and say, "Come on, a quick dip in the water is exactly what I need right now."
After twenty minutes of walking we arrive at the beach and we're greeted by sapphire waves and silver sands.
"Wake up, Josh, wake up!" I yell as someone pulls me away. The blood won't stop. I couldn't feel him breathing. His eyes don't have any light in them. And it's all my fault...!
"That's weird, wasn't it sunny just a second ago?" I ask out loud. I look up at the sky and find that clouds have blocked out the sun. I frown, "That's a shame."
"Hey Josh! Look what I found!"
I hear Emi call and I hurry over to her. I find her squatting near the cliffside of the beach and I look over her shoulder to see a hole that was hidden under the sand.
"Is that...a cave?" I ask, astounded at the discovery.
"I think it is. What should we do? It's so dark."
"We explore it, of course!" I declare with my nostrils flaring. Taking out the flashlight I always have on me, I immediately head in first. From the look of it, the cave appears to be man-made.
My light catches something on the side and I stop to make it out. Apparently, someone scribbled the words, "Welcome to Wonderland."
Spooky.
I continue onwards and finally the tunnel opens up to a cave where I can stand. I shine my flashlight around and it appears to be a small dome-like cavern.
"What's that sound?" I hear Emi say from behind me.
I look around and see nothing. Then I feel something soft hit my shoes and look down to see water quickly rising.
"But that's...impossible! There's no way it's high tide yet!" I stammer out. The water's rising too fast, the exit's already covered! The water lifts us up and soon it wipes out the last of our oxygen. It almost feels like we're flying...
We arrive at the ER and I immediately sit down. As I do so, I can feel my parents wrapping their arms around me, holding me tight as I cry. I'm probably getting their sleeves wet, but the tears won't stop. I wish I could do something, but all I can do is just wait...! I hear someone else's footsteps and I look up to see Josh's parents arriving. They notice me and immediately I can see the blame in their eyes.
I wake up from a bad nightmare, but that doesn't stop me from doing my usual morning routine. But when I walk up to the mirror, it's blurry. I look around and everything in my bathroom is blurry. I blurt out, "What the hell?"
I quickly brush my teeth and get ready, just in time to hear Emi call me from outside. As I leave, I notice that the blurriness has affected everything in my house.
I wake up, again. As evidence that it's not my eyes going bad, the blurriness has progressed into pure whiteness. There are walls of nothing but whiteness that are impassable all around town. I quickly finish my morning routine and go outside to see Emi walking up to my house. I don't bother saying hello, because even if I don't...
"Joooooooosh!" she yells towards my house, even though I'm standing right in front of her. Then, she turns towards me and continues, "Gooooood morning! Get out your bike, we're riding down Fakku's Site!"
She continues her one-sided conversation without me. I don't follow her and instead go off to see how far the whiteness has progressed. Eventually, the sun sets...
I wake up, again. I feel like seeing my parents. They can't respond to me, but I can still watch them. But when I reach the door to my parent's room, there's only the whiteness.
"NO!"
I immediately dash out of the house only to see Emi saying, "Gooooood morni-"
I don't hear the rest of her words as I shout with tears in my eyes, "Give me back my parents!"
I punch her but my hand just goes through her. And then, without a word, she fades to whiteness as well. I scream. I'm unable to bear the thought of everything and everyone disappearing and that there is nothing left to explore.
And then I notice I'm disappearing as well.
"I'm sorry, but we've done all we can. He didn't make it."
As soon as those words leave the doctor's mouth, I run out of there, as fast as possible.
This is all just a dream. It must be. But now, even the sky is white. There's nowhere left to go. I'm still not waking up. I end up at the beach, which is somehow still intact. I continue onwards, heading into the cave. This time, the first words I see are, "Welcome back."
I grimace and continue. This isn't a dream. Or was everything a dream all along? I arrive at the back once more. Only this cave stays. Only the words here stay. I start scribbling on the wall, something to show I was alive.
I'm alone at the beach in the middle of the night. My parents are probably worried, but they won't have to be very soon. I swim farther and farther into the water before letting go and simply letting the waves carry me. My head sinks under the water, where finally, there is peace and quiet.
And then my body hits the sand again. Somehow, the waves carried me back ashore. Just as I'm about to try again, light hits my eyes.
The sun is rising.
Josh said he loves the way my eyes look when the sun hits them. Suddenly, I remember the cave we used to explore when we were kids. There was a small room in the back...
I dig out the cave and go in. For some reason, it feels like at the end of this tunnel, Josh will be there. I reach the end and I immediately look around, only to find that Josh isn't here. I quietly say, "I'm so stupid..."
I look again and to my surprise I see words. When I finish reading them, I start to cry again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WROUOOtC7U
To sum it up, the story's more surreal now.
My name is Joshua. I'm thirteen-years-old and I like exploring. I'm currently waiting for my friend, Emilia.
"Joooooooosh!" a voice outside says loudly. Looks like she's here.
"Emi, hold on tight okay?"
"I know already, don't worry," she answers with a smile.
I stare down the tallest hill in town and it feels like jelly replaced my legs. I swallow the saliva in my mouth before pushing off and our descent begins. As we begin to pick up speed it's like our bodies are disappearing into thin air. It almost feels like we're flying...
I hear a sickening crack before the world sets itself right again. With my eyes still squeezed shut I whisper, "Josh? Josh, say something..."
I don't hear anything. Then, in the darkness and silence I feel something warm and wet. I open my eyes and I immediately wish I hadn't as my world shatters when I see what I've done.
I jump upright with cold sweat pouring down my face. I'm greeted by the sun's rays shining through my window. I can't get that nightmare out of my head... Wait, was it a nightmare? Now I can't remember...
My alarm suddenly goes off and I naturally get into my morning routine. I step onto the wooden floor towards my old bathroom. I use the toilet then brush my teeth. Once again I'm greeted by my own face, with the same old brown hair and brown eyes. I finish up and remember that Emi's supposed to come over today so that we can do her list of Things-To-Do-Before-Josh-Moves-Away.
"Joooooooosh!" a voice outside says loudly. Looks like she's here. I quickly get changed before stepping outside to greet her, "Morning Emi."
Emi and I have known each other since we were kids. We both live on the same hilltop on the outskirts of town. She has brown hair like me but it's a lighter shade. The most beautiful part about her is probably her honey-colored eyes that I've noticed sparkle like stars when they're watching the sun.
"Gooooood morning! Get out your bike, we're riding down Fakku's Site!"
"Sure, but where's your bike?"
"Don't be silly, I'll just sit behind you!"
Huh? It suddenly feels like I have vertigo and my head feels light. I quickly say, "Sorry, I don't think that's such a good idea..."
"What're you talking about? Come on, let's go right now!"
"Nah, let's do something else. What about the beach?"
"Gosh, we can go to the beach any day! But fine, if you're gonna be like that!"
Emi pouts but I start walking towards the beach and say, "Come on, a quick dip in the water is exactly what I need right now."
After twenty minutes of walking we arrive at the beach and we're greeted by sapphire waves and silver sands.
"Wake up, Josh, wake up!" I yell as someone pulls me away. The blood won't stop. I couldn't feel him breathing. His eyes don't have any light in them. And it's all my fault...!
"That's weird, wasn't it sunny just a second ago?" I ask out loud. I look up at the sky and find that clouds have blocked out the sun. I frown, "That's a shame."
"Hey Josh! Look what I found!"
I hear Emi call and I hurry over to her. I find her squatting near the cliffside of the beach and I look over her shoulder to see a hole that was hidden under the sand.
"Is that...a cave?" I ask, astounded at the discovery.
"I think it is. What should we do? It's so dark."
"We explore it, of course!" I declare with my nostrils flaring. Taking out the flashlight I always have on me, I immediately head in first. From the look of it, the cave appears to be man-made.
My light catches something on the side and I stop to make it out. Apparently, someone scribbled the words, "Welcome to Wonderland."
Spooky.
I continue onwards and finally the tunnel opens up to a cave where I can stand. I shine my flashlight around and it appears to be a small dome-like cavern.
"What's that sound?" I hear Emi say from behind me.
I look around and see nothing. Then I feel something soft hit my shoes and look down to see water quickly rising.
"But that's...impossible! There's no way it's high tide yet!" I stammer out. The water's rising too fast, the exit's already covered! The water lifts us up and soon it wipes out the last of our oxygen. It almost feels like we're flying...
We arrive at the ER and I immediately sit down. As I do so, I can feel my parents wrapping their arms around me, holding me tight as I cry. I'm probably getting their sleeves wet, but the tears won't stop. I wish I could do something, but all I can do is just wait...! I hear someone else's footsteps and I look up to see Josh's parents arriving. They notice me and immediately I can see the blame in their eyes.
I wake up from a bad nightmare, but that doesn't stop me from doing my usual morning routine. But when I walk up to the mirror, it's blurry. I look around and everything in my bathroom is blurry. I blurt out, "What the hell?"
I quickly brush my teeth and get ready, just in time to hear Emi call me from outside. As I leave, I notice that the blurriness has affected everything in my house.
I wake up, again. As evidence that it's not my eyes going bad, the blurriness has progressed into pure whiteness. There are walls of nothing but whiteness that are impassable all around town. I quickly finish my morning routine and go outside to see Emi walking up to my house. I don't bother saying hello, because even if I don't...
"Joooooooosh!" she yells towards my house, even though I'm standing right in front of her. Then, she turns towards me and continues, "Gooooood morning! Get out your bike, we're riding down Fakku's Site!"
She continues her one-sided conversation without me. I don't follow her and instead go off to see how far the whiteness has progressed. Eventually, the sun sets...
I wake up, again. I feel like seeing my parents. They can't respond to me, but I can still watch them. But when I reach the door to my parent's room, there's only the whiteness.
"NO!"
I immediately dash out of the house only to see Emi saying, "Gooooood morni-"
I don't hear the rest of her words as I shout with tears in my eyes, "Give me back my parents!"
I punch her but my hand just goes through her. And then, without a word, she fades to whiteness as well. I scream. I'm unable to bear the thought of everything and everyone disappearing and that there is nothing left to explore.
And then I notice I'm disappearing as well.
"I'm sorry, but we've done all we can. He didn't make it."
As soon as those words leave the doctor's mouth, I run out of there, as fast as possible.
This is all just a dream. It must be. But now, even the sky is white. There's nowhere left to go. I'm still not waking up. I end up at the beach, which is somehow still intact. I continue onwards, heading into the cave. This time, the first words I see are, "Welcome back."
I grimace and continue. This isn't a dream. Or was everything a dream all along? I arrive at the back once more. Only this cave stays. Only the words here stay. I start scribbling on the wall, something to show I was alive.
I'm alone at the beach in the middle of the night. My parents are probably worried, but they won't have to be very soon. I swim farther and farther into the water before letting go and simply letting the waves carry me. My head sinks under the water, where finally, there is peace and quiet.
And then my body hits the sand again. Somehow, the waves carried me back ashore. Just as I'm about to try again, light hits my eyes.
The sun is rising.
Josh said he loves the way my eyes look when the sun hits them. Suddenly, I remember the cave we used to explore when we were kids. There was a small room in the back...
I dig out the cave and go in. For some reason, it feels like at the end of this tunnel, Josh will be there. I reach the end and I immediately look around, only to find that Josh isn't here. I quietly say, "I'm so stupid..."
I look again and to my surprise I see words. When I finish reading them, I start to cry again.
"Mom, Dad
Emilia
I'm waking up."
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Hmmm I got lost a few times while reading but the ever changing scenes, two people (enjoyed it was Fakku and user as well) together and for being adventurous with the format more than made up for it.
Good luck in the contest.
Good luck in the contest.
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Nejik wrote...
Hmmm I got lost a few times while reading but the ever changing scenes, two people (enjoyed it was Fakku and user as well) together and for being adventurous with the format more than made up for it.Good luck in the contest.
Will you bear my children?
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Nejik wrote...
Eh? Hahaha I have to decline but I appreciate the thought.That's what they all say at first.
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The formatting was really confusing for me. I guess you were trying to do something different and that's respectable, but it mostly left me wondering who was speaking and what was the scene. It made it difficult to get into in the beginning.
I like the relationship between Fakku and User, it seems really loving. But there's not really any build-up or reason why so it wasn't super believable...then suddenly someone was dying, lol...
It also switched from first person to third person at some point...
Nice effect with the background music though, it actually did help in getting in the mood of the story.
Good luck in the contest!
I like the relationship between Fakku and User, it seems really loving. But there's not really any build-up or reason why so it wasn't super believable...then suddenly someone was dying, lol...
It also switched from first person to third person at some point...
Nice effect with the background music though, it actually did help in getting in the mood of the story.
Good luck in the contest!
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Circe wrote...
The formatting was really confusing for me. I guess you were trying to do something different and that's respectable, but it mostly left me wondering who was speaking and what was the scene. It made it difficult to get into in the beginning.I like the relationship between Fakku and User, it seems really loving. But there's not really any build-up or reason why so it wasn't super believable...then suddenly someone was dying, lol...
It also switched from first person to third person at some point...
Nice effect with the background music though, it actually did help in getting in the mood of the story.
Good luck in the contest!
I see!
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I got lost a few times while reading this, too. This really had the feeling of summer in it!
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Critiquing,
It doesn’t appear to me as a short story. It’s more of like a script, which is composed of pure dialogues. Such writing will lessen the reader’s views of the setting, but will enforce the development of the characters (which you have failed, anyway.)
It would be better if you have fully embraced the writing style you used. You could’ve used the simplest format, like this:
Doing that, the readers won’t get lost on who’s speaking. Anyway, that’s just I technicality. There’s still time to fix your entry.
I’ll be back to critique the content once I understand what’s happening above…
But if you have no plans on editing your entry, my criticism shall end here, and I would still be sending you my sincerest regards.
It doesn’t appear to me as a short story. It’s more of like a script, which is composed of pure dialogues. Such writing will lessen the reader’s views of the setting, but will enforce the development of the characters (which you have failed, anyway.)
It would be better if you have fully embraced the writing style you used. You could’ve used the simplest format, like this:
Spoiler:
Doing that, the readers won’t get lost on who’s speaking. Anyway, that’s just I technicality. There’s still time to fix your entry.
I’ll be back to critique the content once I understand what’s happening above…
But if you have no plans on editing your entry, my criticism shall end here, and I would still be sending you my sincerest regards.
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Carlisle wrote...
Critiquing, It doesn’t appear to me as a short story. It’s more of like a script, which is composed of pure dialogues. Such writing will lessen the reader’s views of the setting, but will enforce the development of the characters (which you have failed, anyway.)
It would be better if you have fully embraced the writing style you used. You could’ve used the simplest format, like this:
Spoiler:
Doing that, the readers won’t get lost on who’s speaking. Anyway, that’s just I technicality. There’s still time to fix your entry.
I’ll be back to critique the content once I understand what’s happening above…
But if you have no plans on editing your entry, my criticism shall end here, and I would still be sending you my sincerest regards.
I'm a lazy motherfucker, my bad. I editted it, but I didn't choose one style over the other. Hmmm, my style is generally all about brevity and utility. There's not much character development to be done in a short story, but I guess you're right that I failed. Hopefully this new version is better.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
NeoStriker wrote...
Made an edit.Wait... did you made that edit right after you made this post?
