[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Serene wind, Gracious snow
0
Hanasaku
i should just die
Never written out of fun before. Any comments are appreciated.
This was completed in a span of 2 weeks, with 10 minutes per writing 'session'.
I always appreciate being alone. I’ve always, always been alone- or rather, people seem to avoid me, except for that one guy, yeah, your soul partner, or whatever you call it.
Anyway, another thing I appreciate is the serenity of the night, the times when absolutely no one is walking the streets. It’s always solemn, something about the dim lamps illuminating the streets creating a hue of autumn. But it isn’t autumn—it’s practically snowing. It’s around these times that I start to reflect about how I affected people. Because I want to fulfil my life, I made it a motto to leave a lasting impression. It can’t be helped that I’m not loved.
It reaches 4.30AM on my watch. I huff into my mittens. Brrr.
I was on my way home, back from choir practice... I don’t even know why. They say the cold numbs the throat, maybe that’s the reason for the amount of people playing truancy on these practices. The Youth’s Festival is coming soon, and I feel it’s absolutely redundant for any of them to be skipping. I’m a senior choir member of Itesawa High. I sing mostly Alto, although sometimes I go Soprano. As I shiver my way back home (hell, its cold like frosted meat out here), a calm wind brushes across my face, sending my fringe flailing within the air like dandelions. Sure it freezes my brains off, but it’s also somehow calming. I smiled, jerked from the chills, and huffed another breath of hot air into my mittens and I rub my face. I start to dash home happily. Oh, and my name’s Saku.
Upon arrival, I quickly retreated into my room, the only one true place I get noticed – Fakku. Although there are still a lot of people who don’t really like me, at least there are some people who do. Some of which, I return the favour...
Room is one of such people. Maybe he’s a bit stupid to do this, but he takes my imperfections and shapes them into perfections. And he tells me all about how perfect I am. Although I’m not really affected by it *that* much, he still makes me happy by being the few people on Fakku to like me. Unfortunately, sweet words don’t sway me. The monitor screen is the only source of light in the room. An ethereal aura surrounds the atmosphere around. I feel light-headed. Maybe this is what makes me come home early every day. I can’t believe we even met in person a few times and †˜went out together’! The thoughts all seem so surreal; they encircle me, making me dizzy. He’s asking me out on winter break. Without question, I say yes, but I always come unprepared.
“Tomorrow, 6.30PM, that place.” is all what he said to me the day before. It was the 12th of November.
It’s not even night, and it’s already dark. Perfect. The streetlamps along the pathway are bright with fluorescent white lighting. It blends with the vast ocean to seemingly create a effect of the moon, as I would assume. People are always buzzing about here, the City Plaza; it’s always crowded of couples, families and their handicraft kites, and not to mention bratty minors playing some sort of you-catch-me-I-catch-you kind of game which they occasionally bump into the other commuters. I lay on the grass. It is coming 7. The stars illuminate the night sky. In my false hope I try to extend my hand to grab one, but I realised the amount of failure I had was equal to how silly I seemed. Like they haven’t seen a human do this before. Two or three passers-by turn their gaze at me. I roll over face-flat on the ground. A serene wind enters my shirt from my back and it gave me a chill. I convulse, and end up in a ball position. I decide to end my humiliation spree and finally stand up from the misery I was placed in. It has passed an hour since I came here. It’s not like I hate waiting for someone, but I actually treasure time alone. Did I say that already? Yeah. More time to think about the world. The lights of the streetlights blind me whenever I look up- Oh. It’s gone. Someone’s blocking it....
Suddenly my face is stuffed with a bouquet of flowers.
“Alas, we meet again!”
“That’s the wrong word.”
“Wrong? All right, anything you say, smart-ass-lady Saku.”
We both giggle for a bit.
“So, how’ve you been?”
We reminisce for a bit, and talk the chitter-chatter, and by the time we finish, it’s already 10. We sit by the ocean this time. It’s coloured a dark black with white spots marking the lights from either the carrier ships or streetlights.
“Say... do you remember where we first....” Room fidgets a little, signalling uneasiness.
“Kissed? Yeah. Somewhere over here, if my memory serves me right, because it usually doesn’t.”
“Maybe this is one of the few times it did,” Room remarked; “Because it happened.” His arms went around my neck. Hmm.... last time was about 7 months ago, I guess.
We stand by the bay. Shimmering lights are reflected in the ocean’s surface, partially impairing anyone of their movement for a while as they all stop to appreciate what the night has given us. The strong wind blows from the sea. It’s cooling, and especially when it’s snowing, it feels fun. Though lonely and serene, the wind makes us steal a short glance from each other and look back to the sky with looks of hope.
I thought something cliché would happen for a bit, but.... I guess this part’s a miss for this time. He’s a weird one. I like to find out what his thoughts are every time.
Light-petal, gracious snow falls from the heavens. They seem to refract the light, making this solemn place glimmering, like hotels on New Year’s. Room brought himself closer to me. His hands were moving down the courses of my body, and stopped at my waist. He threw me against him.
I’m stunned.
“Say, Saku......”
Closer as his head goes, we lock lips, for the third time. I’m mesmerized.
His lips, rose-tinted, I can never get tired of its hue; His tongue, twisted around mine – I can never forget this feeling, this sensation – as he gripped me tightly on my hips.
A trickle of saliva, an exhausted me – Room asks:
“Will you marry me?”
Trying to rephrase my words, I stutter back.
“W-Won’t I....?”
The serene wind blows across us. The gracious snow falls upon us. I thank for their company.
We embrace the moment.
......
.....
....
...
..
.
“Remember this place, hun?”
The daylight burns the ground and turns it into a floor of blinding light.
The world we created, the world we shaped, the world we maintained – is serene no more. It’s not just †˜you and me’ now, it’s †˜ours’. We find good things in each other.
“Stay still, guys.” Cecil and Remi flick the timer switch on the camera. They are our proof of existence. They are the proof that we made a better world. For him and I. For †˜us’.
“Five...Four...Three...”
“Se, no!”
We jump.
I never like being alone. I, Saku, when I succumb to time, I leave my proof of existence behind. If up to them to decide whether I’ll be forgotten or not. And he, when he leaves, with or without me, I will stay happy. Because I know that I’ve already changed his world. I can’t change it again. He has changed mine. No one can ever change it again. They – are my source of living. Together we can change the place around us, and make this world, truly ours.
END
This was completed in a span of 2 weeks, with 10 minutes per writing 'session'.
I always appreciate being alone. I’ve always, always been alone- or rather, people seem to avoid me, except for that one guy, yeah, your soul partner, or whatever you call it.
Anyway, another thing I appreciate is the serenity of the night, the times when absolutely no one is walking the streets. It’s always solemn, something about the dim lamps illuminating the streets creating a hue of autumn. But it isn’t autumn—it’s practically snowing. It’s around these times that I start to reflect about how I affected people. Because I want to fulfil my life, I made it a motto to leave a lasting impression. It can’t be helped that I’m not loved.
It reaches 4.30AM on my watch. I huff into my mittens. Brrr.
I was on my way home, back from choir practice... I don’t even know why. They say the cold numbs the throat, maybe that’s the reason for the amount of people playing truancy on these practices. The Youth’s Festival is coming soon, and I feel it’s absolutely redundant for any of them to be skipping. I’m a senior choir member of Itesawa High. I sing mostly Alto, although sometimes I go Soprano. As I shiver my way back home (hell, its cold like frosted meat out here), a calm wind brushes across my face, sending my fringe flailing within the air like dandelions. Sure it freezes my brains off, but it’s also somehow calming. I smiled, jerked from the chills, and huffed another breath of hot air into my mittens and I rub my face. I start to dash home happily. Oh, and my name’s Saku.
Upon arrival, I quickly retreated into my room, the only one true place I get noticed – Fakku. Although there are still a lot of people who don’t really like me, at least there are some people who do. Some of which, I return the favour...
Room is one of such people. Maybe he’s a bit stupid to do this, but he takes my imperfections and shapes them into perfections. And he tells me all about how perfect I am. Although I’m not really affected by it *that* much, he still makes me happy by being the few people on Fakku to like me. Unfortunately, sweet words don’t sway me. The monitor screen is the only source of light in the room. An ethereal aura surrounds the atmosphere around. I feel light-headed. Maybe this is what makes me come home early every day. I can’t believe we even met in person a few times and †˜went out together’! The thoughts all seem so surreal; they encircle me, making me dizzy. He’s asking me out on winter break. Without question, I say yes, but I always come unprepared.
“Tomorrow, 6.30PM, that place.” is all what he said to me the day before. It was the 12th of November.
It’s not even night, and it’s already dark. Perfect. The streetlamps along the pathway are bright with fluorescent white lighting. It blends with the vast ocean to seemingly create a effect of the moon, as I would assume. People are always buzzing about here, the City Plaza; it’s always crowded of couples, families and their handicraft kites, and not to mention bratty minors playing some sort of you-catch-me-I-catch-you kind of game which they occasionally bump into the other commuters. I lay on the grass. It is coming 7. The stars illuminate the night sky. In my false hope I try to extend my hand to grab one, but I realised the amount of failure I had was equal to how silly I seemed. Like they haven’t seen a human do this before. Two or three passers-by turn their gaze at me. I roll over face-flat on the ground. A serene wind enters my shirt from my back and it gave me a chill. I convulse, and end up in a ball position. I decide to end my humiliation spree and finally stand up from the misery I was placed in. It has passed an hour since I came here. It’s not like I hate waiting for someone, but I actually treasure time alone. Did I say that already? Yeah. More time to think about the world. The lights of the streetlights blind me whenever I look up- Oh. It’s gone. Someone’s blocking it....
Suddenly my face is stuffed with a bouquet of flowers.
“Alas, we meet again!”
“That’s the wrong word.”
“Wrong? All right, anything you say, smart-ass-lady Saku.”
We both giggle for a bit.
“So, how’ve you been?”
We reminisce for a bit, and talk the chitter-chatter, and by the time we finish, it’s already 10. We sit by the ocean this time. It’s coloured a dark black with white spots marking the lights from either the carrier ships or streetlights.
“Say... do you remember where we first....” Room fidgets a little, signalling uneasiness.
“Kissed? Yeah. Somewhere over here, if my memory serves me right, because it usually doesn’t.”
“Maybe this is one of the few times it did,” Room remarked; “Because it happened.” His arms went around my neck. Hmm.... last time was about 7 months ago, I guess.
We stand by the bay. Shimmering lights are reflected in the ocean’s surface, partially impairing anyone of their movement for a while as they all stop to appreciate what the night has given us. The strong wind blows from the sea. It’s cooling, and especially when it’s snowing, it feels fun. Though lonely and serene, the wind makes us steal a short glance from each other and look back to the sky with looks of hope.
I thought something cliché would happen for a bit, but.... I guess this part’s a miss for this time. He’s a weird one. I like to find out what his thoughts are every time.
Light-petal, gracious snow falls from the heavens. They seem to refract the light, making this solemn place glimmering, like hotels on New Year’s. Room brought himself closer to me. His hands were moving down the courses of my body, and stopped at my waist. He threw me against him.
I’m stunned.
“Say, Saku......”
Closer as his head goes, we lock lips, for the third time. I’m mesmerized.
His lips, rose-tinted, I can never get tired of its hue; His tongue, twisted around mine – I can never forget this feeling, this sensation – as he gripped me tightly on my hips.
A trickle of saliva, an exhausted me – Room asks:
“Will you marry me?”
Trying to rephrase my words, I stutter back.
“W-Won’t I....?”
The serene wind blows across us. The gracious snow falls upon us. I thank for their company.
We embrace the moment.
......
.....
....
...
..
.
“Remember this place, hun?”
The daylight burns the ground and turns it into a floor of blinding light.
The world we created, the world we shaped, the world we maintained – is serene no more. It’s not just †˜you and me’ now, it’s †˜ours’. We find good things in each other.
“Stay still, guys.” Cecil and Remi flick the timer switch on the camera. They are our proof of existence. They are the proof that we made a better world. For him and I. For †˜us’.
“Five...Four...Three...”
“Se, no!”
We jump.
I never like being alone. I, Saku, when I succumb to time, I leave my proof of existence behind. If up to them to decide whether I’ll be forgotten or not. And he, when he leaves, with or without me, I will stay happy. Because I know that I’ve already changed his world. I can’t change it again. He has changed mine. No one can ever change it again. They – are my source of living. Together we can change the place around us, and make this world, truly ours.
END
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Your entry seems to exude a dark and negative world. Portraying the cruelty of reality. Imagery showing even the dark environments in my mind; this was a good read. The love in this one is sacred, and I've enjoyed every bit of that, of course.
0
Critiquing,
I understand that your choice with your story being mainly plotted during winter nights added effect to the gloomy, kind of-solemn setting you were trying to establish. However, I find it ironic to be put in a SUMMER writing contest. Still if that’s your decision (and it seems no one except me feels uneasy with it ), I’ll respect your decision.
I appreciate how you have related the story to Fakku, and how your characters seem to be like “anime characters” but without sacrificing the realism of the story. However, I find it hard for the intense emotion to build up inside me as the following typos bumped onto my comprehension:
The starts illuminate the night sky
We both giggle a bit.
is never serene no more
Also, refrain from using excessive commas, and double check for misspelled words. There’s still time to edit your work, and I give to you my sincerest regards.
I understand that your choice with your story being mainly plotted during winter nights added effect to the gloomy, kind of-solemn setting you were trying to establish. However, I find it ironic to be put in a SUMMER writing contest. Still if that’s your decision (and it seems no one except me feels uneasy with it ), I’ll respect your decision.
I appreciate how you have related the story to Fakku, and how your characters seem to be like “anime characters” but without sacrificing the realism of the story. However, I find it hard for the intense emotion to build up inside me as the following typos bumped onto my comprehension:
The starts illuminate the night sky
We both giggle a bit.
is never serene no more
Also, refrain from using excessive commas, and double check for misspelled words. There’s still time to edit your work, and I give to you my sincerest regards.
0
Hanasaku
i should just die
Thank you both for your comments. I appreciate both and made the necessary adjustments; hopefully I'll have the time to go through a more thorough edit.
0
Er...wasn't this a SUMMER contest? What's with the winter?! [/jk] All joking aside, a nice entry.
Good: The details are amazing. Just...amazing. Also, when I was reading this, I enjoyed that it felt like I was reading a poem more than a story. While I did joke about the winter setting, it actually works to your advantage. The ending was interesting, considering it comes off as a happy ending.
Bad: I don't have too many negative points, though I noticed that the word choice was off at times and sometimes, your fragmented sentences could've been put together to form complete sentences without losing the effect from fragmented sentences. I think my primary gripe with this story was how out of the blue the marriage proposal is, since it didn't seem to build up to it as well. Also, I'm guessing that Cecil and Remi are Saku and Room's kids, though it wasn't completely clear to me.
Otherwise, well done and quite gutsy of making a winter story during the summer contest.
Good: The details are amazing. Just...amazing. Also, when I was reading this, I enjoyed that it felt like I was reading a poem more than a story. While I did joke about the winter setting, it actually works to your advantage. The ending was interesting, considering it comes off as a happy ending.
Bad: I don't have too many negative points, though I noticed that the word choice was off at times and sometimes, your fragmented sentences could've been put together to form complete sentences without losing the effect from fragmented sentences. I think my primary gripe with this story was how out of the blue the marriage proposal is, since it didn't seem to build up to it as well. Also, I'm guessing that Cecil and Remi are Saku and Room's kids, though it wasn't completely clear to me.
Otherwise, well done and quite gutsy of making a winter story during the summer contest.