[Summer Contest Entry 2012] "Something that matters"
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The sky screamed that time.
It was the time they met.
The wind howled and the sky played with light, a child hammering a set of drums. He couldn't see or think, the callous wind stole his cries. The world shook and tore around him, leaving the island of Fakku barren and broken, choking the horizon with ash. He saw his death falling towards him and he saw nothing for a long time.
***
A summer rain woke him, cold and alone in small ditch slick with mud. He didn't remember how he had come to be there or why, he vaguely remembered black terrors and fleeting horrors and shook himself awake. He woke to find the world changed.
The trees that had marked the beach were split as if some giant axe and split them one by one without aim. The ruined tops hung low to the earth, hiding the sky from his sight. It did not hide the beach. The cabin was gone, not a plank of wood remained. The boat was missing and he could not see his friends. He called himself hoarse, choking on dust and ash. He knew something terrible had happened but it hovered beyond reach, like a half remembered dream whose edges grow slicker with every attempt.
It took him a long time to climb from his haven, his safety and his ditch. Somehow the world had changed and his crater had not it seemed the safest place, it was a place he knew.
The silence was choking after a time, oppressive. It took him a time to realise it was because it was true silence, the quiet of the dead and something he could never remember having. He made a great deal of noise as he moved, he craved each sound and as he moved he invented all that he could.
It was a bare three minute walk to the beach from his crater but it took him almost an hour to nerve himself to make it all the way. The closeness of the broken trees and wrecked land seemed far safer than that of the wide open beach. He did not want to see the sky.
Some part of him knew what he would see.
That part feared the seeing.
When he finally looked up, beyond the trees and soft sand, he understood.
***
She was quiet. Her chest rose a little and then paused, as if it might stay and hold before slowly lowering once more. He had found her buried in the sand cold and hurt. Now she was free he realised he did not know her. He bandaged what he could and then built a fire to ward against the cold. It was the best he could do, his mind felt like glass and he soon slept, a death of his own.
***
She woke to red rimmed sky black and gray. No light streaked the clouds and no drums beat the air. The soft sounds of breathing and crackling of flame were the only sounds in her world. She could not move and found it hard to breath so she did not try. She stared at the clouds for hours not seeing. She might have lay there for hours or days before the boy woke, she couldn't say. He was rankly and his clothes were torn and shredded. He was bare foot and his eyes were red rimmed from crying or stress. See only saw these things when he bent over her to check if she still breathed.
"Your awake... I wasn't sure if..."
He had a shattered voice, hoarse and broken like a man who'd screamed out his mind only to wake to sanity and life. He was broken, she could see it and the knowledge of it haunted the edges of his eyes.
"I-"
It was all she could manage before the pain. She saw and heard no more.
***
A week passed in near silence, spoiled only by the boy and his noises. He made them as he moved, breathed, walked and ate. Fish had washed the beach now, hundreds of corpses which the tide soon reclaimed each night. In a rare moment of thought he had taken as many as he could and cooked them over their small fire, packing the leftovers in torn leaves as large as his hands.
The girl had woken a few times to take water and fish only to lie back to a sleep that defied his many brief moments of madness, his attempts to wake her falling on deaf response.
He looked up at the sky many times, seeing the sight he dreaded to see, through one small patch of clear twirling sky, a herald of what was to Come.
***
She woke the next day and managed to sit up. The boy had found some berry bushes and part of the pantry to missing cabin and they feasted while they might. Neither knew the name of the other, they simply sat side by side and stared at the gap in the clouds huddled for protection and solace. The world grew warmer each day.
***
With the world trapped in its silence and the two trapped within another the days passed on after another. The world slowly changed, day to night and night to day there were the clouds, the darkness and the creeping hungry warmth that stole the day more and more. Life ebbed, the last of the trees bowing past any strength, the leaves blackening and cracking like old chalk.
Still the two remained on the beach and little did they speak those first weeks.
***
Like a split dream he woke to find himself beside the girl, sat on a broken log. His mind was shaky but clearer than he had known for many days. Some small voice still nattered unspeakably in the back of his mind, quieter than it had been in weeks. He turned his head to find the girl watching the sky but didn't look up. He'd lose himself if he did, he knew he would and the small voice would win once more.
He fought his way to humanity.
"What... is your name?"
He had to ask three time in the end, his voice beginning as a barely half heard whisper. When she looked at him at last she smiled, it was sad and twisted but it did in some small way sharpen his courage. She answered him in a voice like a soft wind as it twirls along the side of your neck, waking the hairs it finds there.
"It doesn't matter anymore..."
He knew it didn't but he wanted to know, needed to know after all these weeks he needed something human. His reply was wordless and she spoke the name to his ear.
"Sarah..."
Her eyes lit a little at her own name, spoke from his lips. A little spark of humanity answering a call it knew well. They huddled close that night despite the growing heat, with their new found humanity the darkness seemed all the greater.
***
One month passed before the end came. It had always been an end, simply a long one. They met the end curled together in the sand. The sound came back to the world in a BOOM that shattered the sky then and forever more leaving the earth open to the clear heavens. They did not look at the end as it came, starting as they did into the only thing that mattered.
The last they knew of the world was a pair of eyes much like their own, the grip of a hand and the last spoken names. The sky fell.
It was the time they met.
The wind howled and the sky played with light, a child hammering a set of drums. He couldn't see or think, the callous wind stole his cries. The world shook and tore around him, leaving the island of Fakku barren and broken, choking the horizon with ash. He saw his death falling towards him and he saw nothing for a long time.
***
A summer rain woke him, cold and alone in small ditch slick with mud. He didn't remember how he had come to be there or why, he vaguely remembered black terrors and fleeting horrors and shook himself awake. He woke to find the world changed.
The trees that had marked the beach were split as if some giant axe and split them one by one without aim. The ruined tops hung low to the earth, hiding the sky from his sight. It did not hide the beach. The cabin was gone, not a plank of wood remained. The boat was missing and he could not see his friends. He called himself hoarse, choking on dust and ash. He knew something terrible had happened but it hovered beyond reach, like a half remembered dream whose edges grow slicker with every attempt.
It took him a long time to climb from his haven, his safety and his ditch. Somehow the world had changed and his crater had not it seemed the safest place, it was a place he knew.
The silence was choking after a time, oppressive. It took him a time to realise it was because it was true silence, the quiet of the dead and something he could never remember having. He made a great deal of noise as he moved, he craved each sound and as he moved he invented all that he could.
It was a bare three minute walk to the beach from his crater but it took him almost an hour to nerve himself to make it all the way. The closeness of the broken trees and wrecked land seemed far safer than that of the wide open beach. He did not want to see the sky.
Some part of him knew what he would see.
That part feared the seeing.
When he finally looked up, beyond the trees and soft sand, he understood.
***
She was quiet. Her chest rose a little and then paused, as if it might stay and hold before slowly lowering once more. He had found her buried in the sand cold and hurt. Now she was free he realised he did not know her. He bandaged what he could and then built a fire to ward against the cold. It was the best he could do, his mind felt like glass and he soon slept, a death of his own.
***
She woke to red rimmed sky black and gray. No light streaked the clouds and no drums beat the air. The soft sounds of breathing and crackling of flame were the only sounds in her world. She could not move and found it hard to breath so she did not try. She stared at the clouds for hours not seeing. She might have lay there for hours or days before the boy woke, she couldn't say. He was rankly and his clothes were torn and shredded. He was bare foot and his eyes were red rimmed from crying or stress. See only saw these things when he bent over her to check if she still breathed.
"Your awake... I wasn't sure if..."
He had a shattered voice, hoarse and broken like a man who'd screamed out his mind only to wake to sanity and life. He was broken, she could see it and the knowledge of it haunted the edges of his eyes.
"I-"
It was all she could manage before the pain. She saw and heard no more.
***
A week passed in near silence, spoiled only by the boy and his noises. He made them as he moved, breathed, walked and ate. Fish had washed the beach now, hundreds of corpses which the tide soon reclaimed each night. In a rare moment of thought he had taken as many as he could and cooked them over their small fire, packing the leftovers in torn leaves as large as his hands.
The girl had woken a few times to take water and fish only to lie back to a sleep that defied his many brief moments of madness, his attempts to wake her falling on deaf response.
He looked up at the sky many times, seeing the sight he dreaded to see, through one small patch of clear twirling sky, a herald of what was to Come.
***
She woke the next day and managed to sit up. The boy had found some berry bushes and part of the pantry to missing cabin and they feasted while they might. Neither knew the name of the other, they simply sat side by side and stared at the gap in the clouds huddled for protection and solace. The world grew warmer each day.
***
With the world trapped in its silence and the two trapped within another the days passed on after another. The world slowly changed, day to night and night to day there were the clouds, the darkness and the creeping hungry warmth that stole the day more and more. Life ebbed, the last of the trees bowing past any strength, the leaves blackening and cracking like old chalk.
Still the two remained on the beach and little did they speak those first weeks.
***
Like a split dream he woke to find himself beside the girl, sat on a broken log. His mind was shaky but clearer than he had known for many days. Some small voice still nattered unspeakably in the back of his mind, quieter than it had been in weeks. He turned his head to find the girl watching the sky but didn't look up. He'd lose himself if he did, he knew he would and the small voice would win once more.
He fought his way to humanity.
"What... is your name?"
He had to ask three time in the end, his voice beginning as a barely half heard whisper. When she looked at him at last she smiled, it was sad and twisted but it did in some small way sharpen his courage. She answered him in a voice like a soft wind as it twirls along the side of your neck, waking the hairs it finds there.
"It doesn't matter anymore..."
He knew it didn't but he wanted to know, needed to know after all these weeks he needed something human. His reply was wordless and she spoke the name to his ear.
"Sarah..."
Her eyes lit a little at her own name, spoke from his lips. A little spark of humanity answering a call it knew well. They huddled close that night despite the growing heat, with their new found humanity the darkness seemed all the greater.
***
One month passed before the end came. It had always been an end, simply a long one. They met the end curled together in the sand. The sound came back to the world in a BOOM that shattered the sky then and forever more leaving the earth open to the clear heavens. They did not look at the end as it came, starting as they did into the only thing that mattered.
The last they knew of the world was a pair of eyes much like their own, the grip of a hand and the last spoken names. The sky fell.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I feel that this entry doesn't meet any of the themes, or is it just me? Someone please give me an answer regarding this?
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To be fair, this story actually does fit the requirements, but it's very weak. The reference to FAKKU is a very weak one and if you fudge a few details, it seems as if this is a sort of post-apocalyptic love story and it could be considered an unwanted vacation. Could be. However, I can also understand why Cinia does not feel that this entry fits the theme. Honestly, this story feels very disconnected and disorganized. There is rising action in a sense, but it doesn't really feel like it's rising. It just feels like a sequence of events before the climax of a great boom, then essentially no resolution.
I am very critical about this structure when it comes to every story that I read. When one fails to follow the structure, you tend to get stories such as this one, which seem to meander all over the place and again, the themes feel very weak. I suggest adding more detail and making the themes a little stronger. This needs to be organized. That way, at least you have a shot at this competition. Otherwise, this entry will be largely ignored and pushed to the side.
I am very critical about this structure when it comes to every story that I read. When one fails to follow the structure, you tend to get stories such as this one, which seem to meander all over the place and again, the themes feel very weak. I suggest adding more detail and making the themes a little stronger. This needs to be organized. That way, at least you have a shot at this competition. Otherwise, this entry will be largely ignored and pushed to the side.
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Here I am Rise :3
Review #12
As Rise requested, on the topic of theme compatibility. The point of using Fakku! as a reference was to try to integrate it into the writing. Whether it's a porno book, the web site, or a plot device as a whole. What you did was basically throw the name in rather than try to add it in with the story.
In another sense, the topics were clearly, Romance, Summer, Vacation. What you created was a creepy apocalyptic short. The key about writing is knowing what your audience/reviewers want. In this case, it was pretty clear the main theme was to write a romance/coming-of-age/vanilla all involving summer and vacationing. It just made common sense.
The Good: It's a very colorful piece with a lot of description. I love description. It had a strong undertone of apocalypse in it while creating a general sense of two people living the end of the world together. In terms of time progression, I did like what you did by having an almost journal style way of writing.
Grammar: Alright.
The OK: Because it felt more journal-like and it was a "moments before the apocalypse" kind of story, I felt that instead of adding just ***, you could have written dates or times.
The Bad: Truthfully, the description. It wasn't that the description was bad, it was that it was description for the sake of description. Rather than fueling the plot of the story with description, it creating a detachment to the actual plot by describing something like the land instead of describing the feelings of the main character. The parts that did create an introspective look into the main character didn't mesh well with the overall story structure.
Review #12
As Rise requested, on the topic of theme compatibility. The point of using Fakku! as a reference was to try to integrate it into the writing. Whether it's a porno book, the web site, or a plot device as a whole. What you did was basically throw the name in rather than try to add it in with the story.
In another sense, the topics were clearly, Romance, Summer, Vacation. What you created was a creepy apocalyptic short. The key about writing is knowing what your audience/reviewers want. In this case, it was pretty clear the main theme was to write a romance/coming-of-age/vanilla all involving summer and vacationing. It just made common sense.
The Good: It's a very colorful piece with a lot of description. I love description. It had a strong undertone of apocalypse in it while creating a general sense of two people living the end of the world together. In terms of time progression, I did like what you did by having an almost journal style way of writing.
Grammar: Alright.
The OK: Because it felt more journal-like and it was a "moments before the apocalypse" kind of story, I felt that instead of adding just ***, you could have written dates or times.
The Bad: Truthfully, the description. It wasn't that the description was bad, it was that it was description for the sake of description. Rather than fueling the plot of the story with description, it creating a detachment to the actual plot by describing something like the land instead of describing the feelings of the main character. The parts that did create an introspective look into the main character didn't mesh well with the overall story structure.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
CoffeePrince wrote...
Here I am Rise :3Oh you.
Though it's a little too late, we've already concluded in our chat that it'd be allowed. Lol. However, your views are much appreciated.