[Summer Contest Entry 2012] Warm Summer Breeze..
0
Warm Summer Breeze...
A warmth that displeases yet makes you feel sad once it leaves....what a strange unpleasant but satisfying feeling, yes its those instances where you aren't sure if it should last or not, but you have convinced yourself thinking its a mere nuisance but deep down you know you will miss it if its no longer here....
Such an unpleasant dilemma! Yet people avoid thinking about it and in the end no one has the answer....yes no one! humans are such interesting creatures, we tend to answer and solve everything around us but what we overlook is the thing that's the closest...ourselves...!
With this belief we lead our lives, in a constantly changing world with our never ending urge for change and our never changing prayers for things to remain the same, such irony....
And here i was wasting my days thinking such obvious yet avoided facts, i gaze upon reality in which even i fall on par with the people whom i criticize, wasteful thinking and dull days continue in my life while the world changes from gray, white, green to this beautiful red summer that i see.... my gaze continues and in my mind wondering will my life ever be this red and warm? like a mystery yet to be unfold...its something i truly look forward to...
Deep in these thoughts i roam, always considering this world and its people as nothing more than a pain and still unable to get along with anyone but myself, and loosing more and more lost in my thoughts of unpleasantness, and then....suddenly a cool yet warm breeze turned my eyes like a gentle hand to where i gazed upon someone, eyes...entranced me like that of root holding to the scorched earth....such LIFE i felt from them, something which i never experienced or seen before...finally i broke the gaze...all i could get was a glimpse which could amount to nothing.
The next day came, same as all the other days in my 17 years of boredom, so i thought....but there was a change, unlike every other day where i was dragged on by the pace of my dullness, but today i was strangely anxious about something, after a day full of meaningless lecture, i rushed out from class and for the first time in my life i was in a hurry, to a place i saw them, anxiety covered me, my chest was tight, my heart was pounding, this foreign feeling i was having, what is it i wondered? something im not used to yet i feel "happy"? im not sure but all i can figure out is that i was restless....
Here i was waiting impatiently, seconds, minutes and hours passed by, the one that i seek has still not arrived, the warmth of the breeze and the golden sunset i see keeps me pleased for the moment, and as i returned home this dissatisfaction i feel...it hurts....
Having nothing else to do i continued my pursuit to find the person who captivated me...day after day i waited on the same spot, "hoping"? i guess u can call it hope! more like a wish to find the answer for myself, and then it happened....
On the 9th day of my waiting...a feeling of wanting to give up and move on is what i feel, again the same breeze changed my vision and there i saw...big blue eyes like pearls and long shiny black hair, a quite gentle face and her tender lips, as watching a painting, such was the feeling that came to me, her gaze upon the evening sunset and her gentle smile and the life in her eyes, yes again i was captivated, unable to move or speak, i watch her again, from a distance, clearly but still unable to do anything i helplessly kept on staring.... i felt a momentary peace...
Admitting that all i could was stare, still i was left with a grin, a satisfaction that all my waiting finally bore fruit, a feeling of satisfaction covered me as i have completed the task at hand, yet what is this feeling? an uneasiness or more like an urge, a feeling of wanting to see her again...i tried to shake them off as i reached home...hours of hard efforts to distract myself but now as i lie down on my bed, this uneasiness dwells within...
I finally decided to see her once more, to make peace with myself and this feeling, i wanted to see them again, those eyes, her gentle smile, thinking about them makes me weak and helpless, the answer will come if i see her again, so i thought, and then for good or for worse she was there, one the same spot with the same look, and once again i was frozen in time...
The uneasiness didn't quench, on the contrary it increased and i became restless and to distract myself songs, movies, anime and even browsing through facebook youtube or fakku couldn't save me from this agony...the more i tried to run away the more suffocation i felt...
Unable to give into my urge i became what one would call by a "stalker" but i never followed her, always watching her from a distance and feeling satisfied with this cooped up one sided crush, this tiny joy i felt was very pleasing and the more i saw her the more my speculations about life began crumbling down, a painful yet sweet feeling indeed.....
Several seasons passed and im finally a senior nearing graduation, still continuing my one sided crush i still watched her as always from a distance and as my days of highschool was nearing to an end, to be truthful to these feelings i held on for these past 2 years and to confess my long one sided love to her, i decided.....
That day, as always she was there on the same spot, but.....a sudden pain i felt, as if someone tore out my heart, breathless, weak, and suffocated i became, my vision hazy and on my knees i fell.....when i noticed she wasn't alone, another person, a man, holding her hand, the smile they shared the answer that i seek...i lied down....deep in thought with a....teary smile....
These feelings we hold in our hearts now, which gives us comfort, strength and even gives some the will to move on, after a few years from now, does anyone think any of these feelings will have any importance to us then? Such a painful yet undeniable truth and even though we know what lies ahead, we do not have the strength to do anything about it...such is LIFE.
Knowing that these feelings i hold so dear to me now will eventually fade with time and to think these feelings will have no meaning to me in the future pains yet eases me..and in the end all that's left for me are these dying feelings....
As i head back home, i felt a gentle pull behind me as i turned back to see an unfamiliar face...and closing her eyes, desperately.....
She spoke.....her feelings as gentle as this warm summer breeze~.....
______________________________________________________________________
What life has in stored for us in something we have to wait n see ;)
Written by,
TheXAXAguy (emp) ^.^
A warmth that displeases yet makes you feel sad once it leaves....what a strange unpleasant but satisfying feeling, yes its those instances where you aren't sure if it should last or not, but you have convinced yourself thinking its a mere nuisance but deep down you know you will miss it if its no longer here....
Such an unpleasant dilemma! Yet people avoid thinking about it and in the end no one has the answer....yes no one! humans are such interesting creatures, we tend to answer and solve everything around us but what we overlook is the thing that's the closest...ourselves...!
With this belief we lead our lives, in a constantly changing world with our never ending urge for change and our never changing prayers for things to remain the same, such irony....
And here i was wasting my days thinking such obvious yet avoided facts, i gaze upon reality in which even i fall on par with the people whom i criticize, wasteful thinking and dull days continue in my life while the world changes from gray, white, green to this beautiful red summer that i see.... my gaze continues and in my mind wondering will my life ever be this red and warm? like a mystery yet to be unfold...its something i truly look forward to...
Deep in these thoughts i roam, always considering this world and its people as nothing more than a pain and still unable to get along with anyone but myself, and loosing more and more lost in my thoughts of unpleasantness, and then....suddenly a cool yet warm breeze turned my eyes like a gentle hand to where i gazed upon someone, eyes...entranced me like that of root holding to the scorched earth....such LIFE i felt from them, something which i never experienced or seen before...finally i broke the gaze...all i could get was a glimpse which could amount to nothing.
The next day came, same as all the other days in my 17 years of boredom, so i thought....but there was a change, unlike every other day where i was dragged on by the pace of my dullness, but today i was strangely anxious about something, after a day full of meaningless lecture, i rushed out from class and for the first time in my life i was in a hurry, to a place i saw them, anxiety covered me, my chest was tight, my heart was pounding, this foreign feeling i was having, what is it i wondered? something im not used to yet i feel "happy"? im not sure but all i can figure out is that i was restless....
Here i was waiting impatiently, seconds, minutes and hours passed by, the one that i seek has still not arrived, the warmth of the breeze and the golden sunset i see keeps me pleased for the moment, and as i returned home this dissatisfaction i feel...it hurts....
Having nothing else to do i continued my pursuit to find the person who captivated me...day after day i waited on the same spot, "hoping"? i guess u can call it hope! more like a wish to find the answer for myself, and then it happened....
On the 9th day of my waiting...a feeling of wanting to give up and move on is what i feel, again the same breeze changed my vision and there i saw...big blue eyes like pearls and long shiny black hair, a quite gentle face and her tender lips, as watching a painting, such was the feeling that came to me, her gaze upon the evening sunset and her gentle smile and the life in her eyes, yes again i was captivated, unable to move or speak, i watch her again, from a distance, clearly but still unable to do anything i helplessly kept on staring.... i felt a momentary peace...
Admitting that all i could was stare, still i was left with a grin, a satisfaction that all my waiting finally bore fruit, a feeling of satisfaction covered me as i have completed the task at hand, yet what is this feeling? an uneasiness or more like an urge, a feeling of wanting to see her again...i tried to shake them off as i reached home...hours of hard efforts to distract myself but now as i lie down on my bed, this uneasiness dwells within...
I finally decided to see her once more, to make peace with myself and this feeling, i wanted to see them again, those eyes, her gentle smile, thinking about them makes me weak and helpless, the answer will come if i see her again, so i thought, and then for good or for worse she was there, one the same spot with the same look, and once again i was frozen in time...
The uneasiness didn't quench, on the contrary it increased and i became restless and to distract myself songs, movies, anime and even browsing through facebook youtube or fakku couldn't save me from this agony...the more i tried to run away the more suffocation i felt...
Unable to give into my urge i became what one would call by a "stalker" but i never followed her, always watching her from a distance and feeling satisfied with this cooped up one sided crush, this tiny joy i felt was very pleasing and the more i saw her the more my speculations about life began crumbling down, a painful yet sweet feeling indeed.....
Several seasons passed and im finally a senior nearing graduation, still continuing my one sided crush i still watched her as always from a distance and as my days of highschool was nearing to an end, to be truthful to these feelings i held on for these past 2 years and to confess my long one sided love to her, i decided.....
That day, as always she was there on the same spot, but.....a sudden pain i felt, as if someone tore out my heart, breathless, weak, and suffocated i became, my vision hazy and on my knees i fell.....when i noticed she wasn't alone, another person, a man, holding her hand, the smile they shared the answer that i seek...i lied down....deep in thought with a....teary smile....
These feelings we hold in our hearts now, which gives us comfort, strength and even gives some the will to move on, after a few years from now, does anyone think any of these feelings will have any importance to us then? Such a painful yet undeniable truth and even though we know what lies ahead, we do not have the strength to do anything about it...such is LIFE.
Knowing that these feelings i hold so dear to me now will eventually fade with time and to think these feelings will have no meaning to me in the future pains yet eases me..and in the end all that's left for me are these dying feelings....
As i head back home, i felt a gentle pull behind me as i turned back to see an unfamiliar face...and closing her eyes, desperately.....
She spoke.....her feelings as gentle as this warm summer breeze~.....
______________________________________________________________________
What life has in stored for us in something we have to wait n see ;)
Written by,
TheXAXAguy (emp) ^.^
0
Review: Note, biggest pet peeve is not capitalizing I...
Good: In truth, it is really closest to home. The idea of keeping an eye on the girl you like, following her around like a puppy dog, and just enjoying the sight of her. I assume this is a more personal story for you than anything else. Because of that, I actually felt like I was back in high school since I too liked a girl. Unfortunately, I asked her out and failed miserable :p You seemed very introspective in the beginning which is a big plus and you understand the strengths of the first person POV as a tool for introspection.
Okay: JESUS CHRIST! CAPITALIZE "I" PLEASE! *ahem* Sorry. This is just a personal note, but I was fairly disappointed in the ending. Why a typical happy ending? If this is a personal story, and every phrase is a period of self-deprication, it only leads the reader to realize that the author was denied. The ending seemed more of a curve ball than a happy ending. The way this prose was written just seems to beg for a tragic ending. Then the other thing I noticed is that the entire "tale of two cities" dialogue you had in the intro kind of asked for a continous train of thought. That did not follow the second the story began. What was even the purpose of the intro then?
Bad: While I had to go through the capitization and stream of conscious way of writing, one thing seemed prevalent: proofreading. The tenses change at the flip of a coin and that, my friend, just confuses the shit out of us. Most 1st person POVs follow an "in the moment" process of thought, but this prose switches from the three major tenses sometimes in a single sentence- which leads me to this point. And... and... and... makes for a run on sentence. Finally, while this was suppose to be a 1st person, something about it just didn't seem that 1st person-y about it...
Aside from the grammer issues, I felt a little disconnected with the prose the further it went on. Especially at the "and then TIME JUMP" part. You created a sense of urgency and then added a time jump. What I want to ask is "Why?" Why did the character do nothing? Why did he not keep asking himself questions? Why did he just accept the status quo? The character seemed less of a character and more of a wallflower.
P.S. Sorry for the harsh review.
Good: In truth, it is really closest to home. The idea of keeping an eye on the girl you like, following her around like a puppy dog, and just enjoying the sight of her. I assume this is a more personal story for you than anything else. Because of that, I actually felt like I was back in high school since I too liked a girl. Unfortunately, I asked her out and failed miserable :p You seemed very introspective in the beginning which is a big plus and you understand the strengths of the first person POV as a tool for introspection.
Okay: JESUS CHRIST! CAPITALIZE "I" PLEASE! *ahem* Sorry. This is just a personal note, but I was fairly disappointed in the ending. Why a typical happy ending? If this is a personal story, and every phrase is a period of self-deprication, it only leads the reader to realize that the author was denied. The ending seemed more of a curve ball than a happy ending. The way this prose was written just seems to beg for a tragic ending. Then the other thing I noticed is that the entire "tale of two cities" dialogue you had in the intro kind of asked for a continous train of thought. That did not follow the second the story began. What was even the purpose of the intro then?
Bad: While I had to go through the capitization and stream of conscious way of writing, one thing seemed prevalent: proofreading. The tenses change at the flip of a coin and that, my friend, just confuses the shit out of us. Most 1st person POVs follow an "in the moment" process of thought, but this prose switches from the three major tenses sometimes in a single sentence- which leads me to this point. And... and... and... makes for a run on sentence. Finally, while this was suppose to be a 1st person, something about it just didn't seem that 1st person-y about it...
Aside from the grammer issues, I felt a little disconnected with the prose the further it went on. Especially at the "and then TIME JUMP" part. You created a sense of urgency and then added a time jump. What I want to ask is "Why?" Why did the character do nothing? Why did he not keep asking himself questions? Why did he just accept the status quo? The character seemed less of a character and more of a wallflower.
P.S. Sorry for the harsh review.
0
Thanx for taking ur time to gimme such a detailed review, this is the 1st time im writing something and when i look at it, every point u said is true! xD
Im sorry for disappointing u, i just wrote on a whim in a few hours as i saw the contest topic on 14th (i know its not an excuse)....
ill keep everything u said in mind and do my best with my next work.....thanx a lot ^^
Im sorry for disappointing u, i just wrote on a whim in a few hours as i saw the contest topic on 14th (i know its not an excuse)....
ill keep everything u said in mind and do my best with my next work.....thanx a lot ^^
0
Well, aside from what the first review had stated, please know when to divide an idea from the other. Like the First paragraph. Did you just right that whole passage with just one sentence? Separating from a thought form another is essential. It’s like a law of writing. Wether simple, compound, or complex, a sentence is a must. When you use commas and periods better, it will help the readers know when to stop, and think about the idea that they have just read. Most specifically, it will not exhaust their minds in processing words continually. When you pour water in the glass unendingly, what will happen to the water when it overflows? It will be wasted. And you don’t want that happen to your ideas, do you?
I’m sorry for the lecture, but you need that to grow. I just have to copy the reviews above, since they represent the same critiques I have in mind.
I say, reading your story, made me think that you are quite an idealistic person. So sweet, yet full of thoughts in mind. I think you will do better in Vanilla (just a feeling). Anyway, Good Luck. (And take things quickly.)
I’m sorry for the lecture, but you need that to grow. I just have to copy the reviews above, since they represent the same critiques I have in mind.
I say, reading your story, made me think that you are quite an idealistic person. So sweet, yet full of thoughts in mind. I think you will do better in Vanilla (just a feeling). Anyway, Good Luck. (And take things quickly.)