[Summer Writing Contest 2012] Ball of Fire
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For the fun and experience.
In a total of 1,497 words, a close one, I think I had created my short story with the given theme (Summer and Romance). But as I am writing, I am surprised to find out that the story has led me into a Supernatural conclusion.
Win or not, writing this was fun, and it was very selfish of me not to share it with you.
So, here it comes.
In a total of 1,497 words, a close one, I think I had created my short story with the given theme (Summer and Romance). But as I am writing, I am surprised to find out that the story has led me into a Supernatural conclusion.
Win or not, writing this was fun, and it was very selfish of me not to share it with you.
So, here it comes.
Ball of Fire
Spoiler:
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Honestly speaking, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The major point that augments my interest is your impressive wording throughout the text, how you made the storytelling seem quite artistic with yer writing style.
The descriptive language is also nicely put to the point I could somehow form a vivid imagery as I read the text. Though it does seem more to me as a subtle than rather highly intense description, I find it to be a worthwhile addition which adds up a plus point to the piece~
Although the story itself about that break-up depressed person thingy is really common and I've read / watched many kinds of those, I still enjoyed it regardless. I'd say you've made a decent read and I wish you luck for this contest, hope you'll get the best on this event, cheers =)
The descriptive language is also nicely put to the point I could somehow form a vivid imagery as I read the text. Though it does seem more to me as a subtle than rather highly intense description, I find it to be a worthwhile addition which adds up a plus point to the piece~
Although the story itself about that break-up depressed person thingy is really common and I've read / watched many kinds of those, I still enjoyed it regardless. I'd say you've made a decent read and I wish you luck for this contest, hope you'll get the best on this event, cheers =)
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high_time wrote...
Although the story itself about that break-up depressed person thingy is really common and I've read / watched many kinds of those, I still enjoyed it regardless.
Honestly, that was my biggest frustration in creating this, and it's such a relef knowing that it's still likeable (I hope so).
Thanks,
and to Poet, too..
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Critiquing,
First, let me say that I agree with HIGH TIME that you have a very good skill in wording, using words that support each other to make the story appealing. Also, I loved how you used the first sentence as a statement-of-conclusion. Reading the whole story, I am surprised I haven’t brought out much negative judgments other than I felt more of the solitude than the romance.
Overall, I think it is a good read, but your entry looks out of placed in a pool of stories based on Anime. This must be hard to be appreciated if the readers are expecting a light, manga-like story, (since this is a hentai site).
Anyway, Good Luck.
First, let me say that I agree with HIGH TIME that you have a very good skill in wording, using words that support each other to make the story appealing. Also, I loved how you used the first sentence as a statement-of-conclusion. Reading the whole story, I am surprised I haven’t brought out much negative judgments other than I felt more of the solitude than the romance.
Overall, I think it is a good read, but your entry looks out of placed in a pool of stories based on Anime. This must be hard to be appreciated if the readers are expecting a light, manga-like story, (since this is a hentai site).
Anyway, Good Luck.
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gardeford wrote...
hot damn... i shouldnt red these till i submit mine.Why not?
Carlisle wrote...
Critiquing,This must be hard to be appreciated if the readers are expecting a light, manga-like story, (since this is a hentai site).
I agree!
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Chronus14 wrote...
gardeford wrote...
hot damn... i shouldnt red these till i submit mine.Why not?
Carlisle wrote...
Critiquing,This must be hard to be appreciated if the readers are expecting a light, manga-like story, (since this is a hentai site).
I agree!
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I first came across this entry upon finding out that this entry was a recommended read for this month. I have now decided that it would be good to put to paper what I thought about it.
I am no reviewer but I found the story rather smooth. Some attempts to be descriptive, however well written, comes off to me as a little jarring as they appear to either digress too much or fail to move on to the main points of the story. That did not strike me to be the case for this story as the descriptive writing moved from one thing to another very smoothly while retaining coherence.
Case in point, after you talk about the sky, you talked about what you felt about it, creating pictures in my mind then you talked about walking then you talked about where you were headed, which lead me to be intrigued about what was going on. Or perhaps the story was simple to read without the overly verbose descriptions and that won me over.
Normally, I would keep my distance away from stories that told little. (That is why I prefer non-fiction, at least it is telling me something) Truth to be told, the subject matter of the story is not to my taste as I want a lot of action or a lot of information in what I read. Usually someone recounting how they broke up with their boyfriend / girlfriend would not arouse interest in me unless it was under unique circumstances (for example Lt Random's A Surreal Summer Experience).
But I then I realised that it was not the content that won me over. But rather it was the fact that the story was very descriptive thus allowing me to sympathise with the protagonist and that description was written in simple language, allowing me to understand it.
I am no reviewer but I found the story rather smooth. Some attempts to be descriptive, however well written, comes off to me as a little jarring as they appear to either digress too much or fail to move on to the main points of the story. That did not strike me to be the case for this story as the descriptive writing moved from one thing to another very smoothly while retaining coherence.
Case in point, after you talk about the sky, you talked about what you felt about it, creating pictures in my mind then you talked about walking then you talked about where you were headed, which lead me to be intrigued about what was going on. Or perhaps the story was simple to read without the overly verbose descriptions and that won me over.
Normally, I would keep my distance away from stories that told little. (That is why I prefer non-fiction, at least it is telling me something) Truth to be told, the subject matter of the story is not to my taste as I want a lot of action or a lot of information in what I read. Usually someone recounting how they broke up with their boyfriend / girlfriend would not arouse interest in me unless it was under unique circumstances (for example Lt Random's A Surreal Summer Experience).
But I then I realised that it was not the content that won me over. But rather it was the fact that the story was very descriptive thus allowing me to sympathise with the protagonist and that description was written in simple language, allowing me to understand it.
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Review #19
The Good: As it was stated before, you have a really good way of combining the words into a clear image. While you took liberties to pause and continue once more, they fit in perfectly like a puzzle. I can honestly say that I really didn't expect that he'd be dead until near the end- which is great. It takes a decent writer to be able to allude to the ending without ever actually revealing it. It flowed very well and the ending is exactly what I wanted- even that last line. It's none of this angsty stuff that becomes so introspective that you'd think the main character is some sort of philospher, but rather a statement or poetic response before disappearing.
Grammer: OK
The OK: Rather than being a statement, I'm going to talk about Carlise's comment. In all honestly, no one ever said that this had to be about anime. It's simply a summer romance story written by English speakers. While this, in essense, is an anime/manga based site, writing is left to what feels most natural... and for us, that would be English/American style rather than Japanese. While I did like the ending, I also didn't like it. Rather than being a negative, I'm considering this just a personal preference choice. Him randomly dying without a reason for death feels a little too deus ex machina for me. This is what I was thinking: And... suddenly he's dead. I looked back, did I miss something? ... Lightning? Lightning struck him? No. Thank God... but still, No clue.
I would like a reason for his death rather than being- he's dead Jim. Maybe something that has to do with the sun. Then you can change the last statement to: I think I have loved the sun too much.
The Bad: Because I throughly enjoyed this, I'm going to treat you like I treated Xenon. Your writing deserves more than the simple tirade that I normally go on other people (i.e. I'm going to be super harsh). What on earth does the sun have to do with the overall story? You allude to it like it's going to have a deeper meaning, but you never explicitly state it. Also, why would the main character speak in past tense if he doesn't realize he's dead yet? That's less foreshadow than confused self-awareness. Also, in this entire story, there was one thing that bugged me from the beginning. When you used the word "mollify" I assumed you were trying to say "put back together" rather than the actual meaning. Allow me to explain: It took seconds until they came back to its place to mollify me <-> It took seconds until they came back to its place to reduce my anxiety. That entire sentence throws me off.
The whole ending with the sky crying... is a little overdone. When, every second, you are talking about the sun, you toss in the rain. Now, that might not seem bad, but in truth, the main character/story doesn't need a sudden weather change. If anything, it just adds more words to a story.
The Good: As it was stated before, you have a really good way of combining the words into a clear image. While you took liberties to pause and continue once more, they fit in perfectly like a puzzle. I can honestly say that I really didn't expect that he'd be dead until near the end- which is great. It takes a decent writer to be able to allude to the ending without ever actually revealing it. It flowed very well and the ending is exactly what I wanted- even that last line. It's none of this angsty stuff that becomes so introspective that you'd think the main character is some sort of philospher, but rather a statement or poetic response before disappearing.
Grammer: OK
The OK: Rather than being a statement, I'm going to talk about Carlise's comment. In all honestly, no one ever said that this had to be about anime. It's simply a summer romance story written by English speakers. While this, in essense, is an anime/manga based site, writing is left to what feels most natural... and for us, that would be English/American style rather than Japanese. While I did like the ending, I also didn't like it. Rather than being a negative, I'm considering this just a personal preference choice. Him randomly dying without a reason for death feels a little too deus ex machina for me. This is what I was thinking: And... suddenly he's dead. I looked back, did I miss something? ... Lightning? Lightning struck him? No. Thank God... but still, No clue.
I would like a reason for his death rather than being- he's dead Jim. Maybe something that has to do with the sun. Then you can change the last statement to: I think I have loved the sun too much.
The Bad: Because I throughly enjoyed this, I'm going to treat you like I treated Xenon. Your writing deserves more than the simple tirade that I normally go on other people (i.e. I'm going to be super harsh). What on earth does the sun have to do with the overall story? You allude to it like it's going to have a deeper meaning, but you never explicitly state it. Also, why would the main character speak in past tense if he doesn't realize he's dead yet? That's less foreshadow than confused self-awareness. Also, in this entire story, there was one thing that bugged me from the beginning. When you used the word "mollify" I assumed you were trying to say "put back together" rather than the actual meaning. Allow me to explain: It took seconds until they came back to its place to mollify me <-> It took seconds until they came back to its place to reduce my anxiety. That entire sentence throws me off.
The whole ending with the sky crying... is a little overdone. When, every second, you are talking about the sun, you toss in the rain. Now, that might not seem bad, but in truth, the main character/story doesn't need a sudden weather change. If anything, it just adds more words to a story.
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Spoiler:
CoffeePrince, I really thank you for being super harsh, because that only means you’re taking my work seriously. I should pass the Good Points, for it’ll make my head grow a little bigger.
As to the OK points, I think what Carlisle’s pointing about is that most of the entries have that “anime-feeling” . I simply wrote this with real persons in mind, not anime characters. As to the ending, I respect your personal preferences. But to explain, I think whatever the reason the main character died (or the way he died, as what you prefer) is not important.
You see, his name is not even stated in my work. Wether he jumped off a cliff or gets hit by a truck or stabbed himself to death, it doesn’t matter (at least for me). He’s dead, and that’s it. And the Lightning strike him… it’s an idiomatic expression. If you know that,... just kidding, hehehe=D
As to the Bad Points, The sun represents Life. It’s the symbolism I used not just because it’s summer, but the character has particular passion with the “sun”. The reason why he didn’t leave with the girl, the reason he suicide, and the reason the “sun” took him in the end, It’s merely because he loved the sun/life so much.
If you just read between the lines, and not let yourself get eaten by my description, you must have understood what the SUN really meant. My mistake, as well.
I hope that clarifies some of the matters. And btw, you had a nice Reviewing, all the time. =)
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I'm a huge allusion buff, but I have not heard that sun equates life. Summer represents the second half of life. Spring is the beginning. Fall is beginning of the end, and winter is the end of life.
It's not really my place to say what you should and shouldn't use as literary allusions, but there are dozens of pre-made ones on this topic, so creating a new meaning that doesn't exist kind of goes against the old allusions that were already set up.
It's not really my place to say what you should and shouldn't use as literary allusions, but there are dozens of pre-made ones on this topic, so creating a new meaning that doesn't exist kind of goes against the old allusions that were already set up.
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leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Some cultures (Mayans), some flags (Kazakhstan) portray the Sun as the giver of life. Of course, equating the Sun to life may be another matter but I can understand the allusion.
When I first read this, I thought the protagonist died inside / felt dead inside. It appeared to be very vague if he really did commit suicide. I'd like it that way really, because the protagonist would be ruined for me if he really did kill himself.
I did not read too much into the title of the story though I agree with Coffee that it ought to have more to do with the story.
I thought that if any reference to the Sun was made, it would around these lines: When we broke up, the Sun was dazzling / or the Sun was piercing. It may take a very long time, if not forever for me to forget this.
When I first read this, I thought the protagonist died inside / felt dead inside. It appeared to be very vague if he really did commit suicide. I'd like it that way really, because the protagonist would be ruined for me if he really did kill himself.
I did not read too much into the title of the story though I agree with Coffee that it ought to have more to do with the story.
I thought that if any reference to the Sun was made, it would around these lines: When we broke up, the Sun was dazzling / or the Sun was piercing. It may take a very long time, if not forever for me to forget this.
0
Huh...I'll just jump right into the review. I feel bad for neglecting this read.
Good: It's literally The Sixth Sense all over again, except this time, instead of freaking us out, this whole story is meant to be depressing. This story reminded me of when M. Night Shyamamallama was actually good. The descriptions are terrific and while the ending is a bit bittersweet, it doesn't end on a terrible note that makes you want to slit your wrists. I was especially impressed that the hints to the climax were subtle. Oddly enough, the message somewhat reminds me of some of H.P. Lovecraft's stories.
Bad: While detailed descriptions are certainly your strong point, it also tends to work against you at times. Some of the descriptions seem to distract from the main point and while the first sentence is quite a powerful and necessary one, the transition from that to the first sentence was poor. Additionally, I am confused with how Jade was even able to communicate with the protagonist in the first place. Is she like the protagonist of The Sixth Sense and has the ability to communicate with the dead? This seemed a bit unclear to me.
Otherwise, an excellent entry and I hope to read more.
Good: It's literally The Sixth Sense all over again, except this time, instead of freaking us out, this whole story is meant to be depressing. This story reminded me of when M. Night Shyamamallama was actually good. The descriptions are terrific and while the ending is a bit bittersweet, it doesn't end on a terrible note that makes you want to slit your wrists. I was especially impressed that the hints to the climax were subtle. Oddly enough, the message somewhat reminds me of some of H.P. Lovecraft's stories.
Bad: While detailed descriptions are certainly your strong point, it also tends to work against you at times. Some of the descriptions seem to distract from the main point and while the first sentence is quite a powerful and necessary one, the transition from that to the first sentence was poor. Additionally, I am confused with how Jade was even able to communicate with the protagonist in the first place. Is she like the protagonist of The Sixth Sense and has the ability to communicate with the dead? This seemed a bit unclear to me.
Otherwise, an excellent entry and I hope to read more.
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To Leonard, I thank you for stating some references as to where the sun represents life. I really appreciate it. And also, I will keep your suggestion in mind. It’s a big help! =D
To Blaze, Jade hasn’t talked to the protagonist (if you didn’t count the flashbacks). Anyway, I’m right about reading all these Good Points. It does, seems to make my head grow bigger! I’m on a cloud nine †˜coz o’ you! Hehe =D (Thank you for seeing the main point of the story, which is evoking a depressive feeling).
And thank you for the review. You and Coffee, you continue your excellent stuff, okay? =D
To Blaze, Jade hasn’t talked to the protagonist (if you didn’t count the flashbacks). Anyway, I’m right about reading all these Good Points. It does, seems to make my head grow bigger! I’m on a cloud nine †˜coz o’ you! Hehe =D (Thank you for seeing the main point of the story, which is evoking a depressive feeling).
And thank you for the review. You and Coffee, you continue your excellent stuff, okay? =D
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
You wrote a lot about the sun and some readers seems to not like the focus on sun in the story up to some extent...
But I do think the author showed off some of his writing skills with it! And not to mention the theme of summer.
But I do think the author showed off some of his writing skills with it! And not to mention the theme of summer.