[Summer Writing Contest 2012] Our Heaven

“Come on, Ryo!” Ami cried out happily as I struggled to catch up.

“Ami, wait!” I panted, still trying to catch up. “There’s no need to run!”

She stopped and spun around, giggling. “You’re too slow!”

I came to a halt as I reached her. I bent over and leaned my hands on my knees. I was struggling to keep myself from collapsing.

I’m so out of shape.

“Mou, Ami. Why do you have to be in such a hurry?”

She pouted. “I can’t help it! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, I just couldn’t wait any longer!”

Good grief.

This girl is Ami Ishikawa. She’s my childhood friend. Or rather…my only friend.

She and I grew up together, so that makes us pretty damn close. Before I moved to New York to study medicine, we would always be seen together.

We even went to the same school together. From pre-school to high school. Only in college did we go our separate ways.

While I went to the States to study medicine in St. Fakku University, she stayed here in Osaka to inherit her sister’s business in the local bakery. Since her sister’s getting married soon then she wouldn’t have much time to tend to the shop.

At least that’s what she said. Can’t you marry and keep your job? I know there are a lot of married folks out there that have harder jobs.

Oh, I got side-tracked. Anyway, we were in different colleges. Heck, we were in different countries.

But that didn’t mean we never managed to keep in touch. We would always text each other every night before going to bed.

We would talk about stuff like school, the people we’ve met recently…
…and at one point boys.

I was never interested in men. Never.

And neither was she. We both never really imagined ourselves being in a relationship with guys.

I sighed and stood up straight. “Jeez, there’s no need to hurry. I’m staying here for two whole months before I go back to New York. We still have plenty of time.”

She waved a finger at me. “Ryo, you baka.”

…Did she just call me a baka?

“No matter how long you’re staying, time will surely pass by before you know it! So we have to make each second with each other count!”

I scratched the back of my head. “I get what you’re saying…”

“Right--”

“But!” I cut her off. “You shouldn’t use up too much of your energy in just one day. I don’t want you to drive yourself into fatigue way before my vacation ends. If you fall ill then who will I spend my precious vacation time with?”

She grinned and struck a pose. “Don’t worry! I’m as healthy as a horse! I never get sick!”

“So you say…”

She suddenly turned bashful. “Besides…”

I quirked a brow. “Besides…?”

She looked away, her cheeks becoming a light shade of pink. “Every moment of you…is like a dream… And I don’t ever want that dream to end…”

Hnnnnngh! That was like an arrow through the heart! I feel like I’ve just lost this argument!

…Wait, was this even an argument?

I gulped and scratched my cheek, feeling my own cheeks warm up. “Well, if you say it like that…”

She then went back to her cheerful self. “And that’s why I wanna hurry and get to the lake!”

“What are we gonna do there, anyway? Swim?”

She shook her head. “Nope!”

I blinked. “Then what?”

She gave me a toothy smile. “You’ll see!”

I sighed a second time. She’s always like this. Whenever she takes me somewhere or wants to show me something, she says the same thing.

Either she really wants to surprise me…or she’s just too lazy to tell me what it is.

She grabbed my hand. “Anyway, come on!”

“Ack! Wait! Ami!”

Too late. She’s already pulling me.
______________________________________________________________________________

“We’re here!”

“Ugh, finally.”

After a half hour of traversing through the dense forest, we finally arrived at the lake. This place holds a special place in our hearts. Our memories of youth dwell within this beautiful place.

This is where we also made so many promises. All our precious memories are stored here. And no one knows about this place but us.

We even have a name for it…

I surveyed the area and smiled. “It’s been a while since I’ve been here last.”

“It was the day before you left for New York.”

That tone in her voice. I could tell. It was filled with sadness.

Yes, it was a painful day. The day that not only did I leave my home behind…

…I left Ami behind.

I remember that day. Tears were involved. A lot of them.

My heart ached as I recalled the expression she had on her face. She wouldn’t stop crying. She wouldn’t let me go.

I too had let out my own tears. I wanted to be strong. For her.

But leaving her was too painful...

Oh gosh! I could feel tears forming in my eyes. Just recalling that day is enough to make me cry.

Can you blame me, though? It was the hardest thing I had to do.

Leaving Ami…was the last thing I wanted…

Wiping my eyes, I turned to my childhood friend. “Anyway, why are we here? If you haven’t noticed, it’s close to nightfall.”

“I know!”

“Your parents will get worried.”

“They know I’m with you.”

It’s touching that they feel at ease whenever I’m with their daughter. My parents, though…

“What about your parents, Ryo?” she asked. “Do they know you’re out?”

“They do and they don’t care.”

“Oh come on, of course they--”

“Ami,” I interrupted her. “How long have you known me and my family?”

“…”

“You of all people should know how little my parents care about me.”

She looked down, pursing her lips. “Right. I’m sorry.”

Ah, crap. I brought down the mood. Bad Ryo!

Sighing, I tilted her head up with my index finger. “Hey, lighten up. I’m here with you and that’s all that matters.”

She seemed surprised for a moment before grinning and nodding. “Mmn!”

“Anyway, back to my question… Why are we here?”

“Look over there.”

She pointed at the shore. I looked over there to see a huge blanket sitting near the water. Probably about eight feet away.

That’s a bit close if you ask me…

“What are the blankets for?”

“To sit on, silly!”

Right…

She dragged me over to the blankets and pulled me down with her. Giggling, she wrapped her arms around one of mine and snuggled against me.

“Ah… I missed this…” she whispered.

I smiled. “Yeah. Me too…”

We just sat there, basking in the silence. It’s been far too long since we’ve been together like this. It nearly brought tears to my eyes once more.

Man, I’m soft.

“…Ryo?”

“Hm?”

“Did you miss me?”

I looked down at her with furrowed brows. “Of course I did.”

She smiled and squeezed tighter. “I’m glad.”

What’s with her…?

When I looked up at the sky, I realized just how dark it’s gotten. The stars filled the night sky.

She looked up as well. “Beautiful.”

“Tell me about it.”

“…I meant you.”

Doki. Doki.

Slowly looking down at her, I could feel my cheeks burn. “Wha…?”

Our eyes met. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster by the second. It hurt my chest.

Her eyes… They held so much emotion. So much care.

So much love…

“Ryo…” she whispered as she lovingly brought a hand to my cheek.

I closed my eyes and leaned in to her touch. This is what I’ve missed. What I’ve longed for.

I leaned my head down until our foreheads touched. “Ami…”

As I opened my eyes, I saw lights flickering. I looked up and my eyes widened. She followed my gaze and gasped.

“A meteor shower!”

I smiled and looked back down at her. “Looks like the stars are falling for us tonight.”

I watched her face glow bright red, yet her smile never left. Her fingers intertwined with mine as she pressed herself closer to me.

“Do you remember what we called this place?”

“I do.”

“So I guess with a name we gave this place, it’s no surprise that such a thing would happen here then.”

“Yeah…”

Such a place is a valuable treasure to me. To us. And we’re not about to share it with anyone.

This place holds a magic that none of us can comprehend. It kept us together. Helped our friendship grow.

“Ryo…” she whispered and leaned her face closer to mine. “Can we…?”

I nodded. “…Mm.”

This place will definitely…forever be…

…our Heaven.

--

-AFTERWORD-

Phew! Done! It was tough keeping this short. I would have added a cover art but I realized my scanner was broken. So, just an ordinary literary piece.

ENJOY!!!

...And I hope the afterword doesn't add up to my word count.

If books - containing this story - were to be produced. It'd sparkle dazzlingly like crystals.

And no, I won't count the words on AFTERWORD part, lol.

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words! I thought it felt rushed but with college up and about I didn't have the time. Thank you for reviewing!

If you feel that it's rushed, why not take time to make edits? We'll be reading it again after the deadline again, after all.

Review #16

Good God...

There...

Is...

A...

Space...

After...

Every...

Sentence.

:p

The Good: In terms of organization and structure, it made sense. A clear introduction, a clear progressive storyline with an adventure of "where?" are they going. It's a very adorable story between two people and it leaves a good feeling...

The OK: But! This is all in Japanese style. Allow me to explain another pet peeve. If you're writing in English, use common English. Here is an example: If for some reason, I decided to use: あなたダウン 私のダチ？ I apologize for the bad translation, but if that was "You down, my nigga?" would that really make sense to anyone in Japan? Similarly, if you use names, that's fine, but if you start using things like "doki doki" instead of "thump thump" and similar Japanese sayings, then I have a slight issue. All it shouts out is "WEEABOO" instead of writer. Secondly, stop breaking sentences up because there were literally no full paragraphs at all.

The Bad: It seems very- normal in a way. There's nothing that different and everything happened as I thought it would. If anything the reader wants to know more about what the main character is thinking. We want to immerse ourselves and feel what the character is feeling. Without clues as to how he actually is, we begin to lose interest.

At last, no sugar-coating! I appreciate the criticism. I am glad to know you liked it even a tad bit. And yes, it does seem normal. But I'm a NORMAL type of writer lol.

And the reason for the spacing is because I believe that some people would find it hard to differentiate between two perspectives and paragraphs. But hey, that's just me.

Also, I'm not entirely sure being a WEEABOO is a bad thing, so long as you know your limits. Dunno if I crossed a boundary or something. Though, this is after all in Japan. So I thought it fit the whole setting since they are both Japanese. (Also I thought that even if I were to use any Japanese terms, people would get it.)

But yes, I appreciate the pointers you've given me. And I am quite sure I would be able to make use of them in the future. Thanks so much!

If anything. My only advice: ask yourself what are they feeling, why are they feeling it, and what are they going to do about it. If you put down on paper these three things, then you have a very relate-able character.

Thank you. Btw, one other reason why I put spaces in sentences is because I wanted to focus more on dialogue like a light novel lol. I know, idiotic. XD

To be fair, I can understand what is being written. There isn't much Japanese-English here. But allow me to digress.

I disagree having to use 'Weeaboo' language if only because the setting is in Japan. For example, in the translated novel Norwegian Wood which takes place in Japan during the Swinging Sixties or the Seventies, and is all about people having sex at the drop of their hat, or killing themselves for no reason, there is virtually no attempt to mix English with Japanese and it still made for a good read.

And of course, Vgperson's translation of the disturbing and yet hilarious 'Help, The Girl I Like Won't Respond to My Emails' also takes place in Japan, has no Japanese-English, but I can tell that they are from Japan because of the setting like the references to Flower Viewings, names of universities and the Chu-o Railway Station.

Allow me to give you a link of what I am talking about. If you enjoy dark humour, I think you would like it.
http://vgperson.tumblr.com/post/21533650696/help-the-girl-i-like-wont-respond-to-my-emails

Oh man, I read this one a while back! XD But yeah, I get what ya mean. I'll drop the weeabooism from now on.

Took me a while, but now that I have a bit of time, here's my review:

Good: While a lot of stories are written from a first person perspective, this one actually seems to do a pretty good job of conveying one's thoughts. I do enjoy the dialogue for the most part as well, which is something I enjoy reading in other stories.

Okay: I don't see any inherent problems with the usual spelling and grammar per se, but I'll talk more about that in the next section. Also, it seems to have rising action and falling action.

Bad: Unfortunately, while I do enjoy the first person perspective and dialogue, the structure is a bit off. As previously mentioned, there are a ton of spaces as a result of dialogue, so I don't actually see many full paragraphs. I understand the word limit of course, but this still bothers me. Also, I normally don't say this about other stories, but frankly, it doesn't seem to do anything amazingly interesting. It just seems like a stereotypical romance and I was looking for something in this story that would break the mold so to speak. At first, when you talked about Ami's disinterest in boys, I took it as her being a lesbian and Ryo was infatuated with her despite this before I realized that I was wrong. Additionally, there is that 'weaboo' issue that has already been beaten to death and if you do not understand Japanese, don't bother using it. I got an A in my Japanese class and I still will not use Japanese in my writing, unless jokingly, because it is not an easy language to write in.

On that note, I'd like to bring up that previous example. If you were to properly translate, it would be 私のダチは（down）ですか and would be spoken as if talking to the person. The grammar in Japanese is not as simple as English and in fact, can be mixed up in various ways, but I'd rather not go into any more of a Japanese lesson than this. Honestly, while I do wish you the best of luck, something fails to really pull me in and separate itself from the other stories I've read.

Thank you for your constructive criticism. I've been told many times that I'm a weeaboo, which I have to agree. And I should break that habit.

You and the other reviewer have given me such useful advice. I will use it well.