1. Forums
  3. Writing and Fanfiction
Post Reply

[Summer Writing Contest 2012] Where We Are Least Alone

0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
The full title is actually "In Solitude, Where We Are Least Alone", Which is a Blatant Shout out to "Yosuga No Sora". Even the character name for the girl is Sora...Just saying.XD

Anyways, about the story, I feel it's sort of uninspired and i have mixed feelings of even posting it! I got a little too into the start and ended up rushing the end to actually fit 1,500 words(which is how many words i have). I don't think it's very good, but i would like to hear some Constructive comments plz =).

Spoiler:
-In Solitude, Where We’re Least Alone-

My only friend used to tell me that you have to cherish those dear to you…

My name is Wilfred. I’ve lived my life alone for several years...So much that by this age of 20, I have no real friends. I used to have one, but he’s gone now. I never had a girlfriend either, I’ve gotten used to the solitary, silent atmosphere that surrounds me every moment.

It was that fateful day that changed my life...The day I met her…

It was a typical day; I was coming home from another unsuccessful job hunt; it was raining pretty harshly. All I had was a worn coat, so I was left to the mercy of the elements. It was then that I heard a pitiful mewl nearby.

I looked around out of curiosity and noticed a box at the side of a road. Inside was a shivering cat, with blue fur as bright as the clear blue sky.

I pondered what to do as I was pelted by raindrops and mocked by the wind. My natural instinct was to leave it be, for I couldn’t do anything for it. Yet, I felt a strange connection to it. Like we were kindred souls…Abandoned and…Alone.

I couldn’t ignore it; I couldn’t let it suffer this way. Therefore, I decided to give it a home… I picked it up gently and hid it under my worn coat as it mewled weakly in curiosity. It looked pretty tired and hungry…

For the first time since I was thrown out of home, I smiled. A genuine, unadulterated smile from the bottom of my heart.

“It’s alright, you aren’t alone anymore.” I whispered quietly to it…It mewled in silent content.

Many days have passed since then. I named the cat I saved Sora, since it means “Sky”; it complements the sky blue colour of it’s fur. It provided me with happiness and companionship and I provided it with love and care. It was a relationship which had a positive effect on both my and Sora’s life.

“Great summer weather today!” I shout enthusiastically.

Perfect for going to the beach! I smile at Sora, who was yawning luxuriously in this fine, pristine morning. I had received mail from my old friend overseas and he sent me a reservation slip for a room in the FAKKU Beach Resort. It was an expensive place…He asked me to invite my girlfriend with me, but…

I even went out and bought a swimsuit with my visiting sister who found the letter and thought I had a girlfriend…

I sigh as I pick up Sora and put her in a cage.

“It’s only for a little while, Sora…Please bear with it!” I pick it up and started walking towards the FAKKU Beach Resort.

We arrived after some time and I walk up to the front desk to claim my room key… The receptionist had a condescending gaze that implied she can’t believe a poor guy like me is staying here.

And I damn well concur, because my friend got me the Suite.

I released Sora and she jumped onto the bed. I walked over to the balcony overviewing the beach and sigh.

“Sora, if only you were a human…We could both go down to that beach there and have fun! But pets aren’t allowed. Don’t worry; I won’t leave you here alone. I’m fine with skipping out on the beach just to be with you.” I smile as I mutter to Sora who was behind me on the bed.

I imagined that scenario…

“Then its fine isn’t it master? We could both go down to the beach and have fun too.”

Yeah, with a cute voice like that…

Wait…

WHAT? Did I just hear a voice behind me?

I turned around slowly…

There was a beautiful girl with cat ears, blue hair and a tail on my bed. She was naked and stretching her body, making herself comfortable.

What’s…What is going on?

The girl looked at me innocently and smiled.

“What’s the matter, master? Do I look strange?” She asked with an innocent, cheerful voice.

“Y-you’re a human?” I ask, trembling in shock.

She gave me a blank stare and looked herself over.

“It’s true! I have a human body!” She cried out ecstatically.

“Yay! I’m so happy! Now I can keep master company no matter where he goes!” She started bouncing up and down the bed.

I slump against the wall. What is happening?

She looked at me with a melancholic expression.

“Master…Do you not like me this way?” She asked with teary eyes.

Never in my life had I expected to be responsible for making a girl cry…

“You idiot…!”I reprimand myself and stood up. I went over to her with awkward movements and started to pat her head.

“…I just never had to deal with this before. I’m sorry if I made you cry. Well, anything is alright with me, because it’s you after all…” I smile awkwardly as I comfort Sora.

At least, I assumed it was her. There was no other logical explanation for her ears and tail.

Later, after she explored the room to sate her curiosity, I sat her down to question her.

“So…Sora, how…How did you become like this?” I ask her, curiosity overwhelming my thoughts.

She smiled at me brightly and answered in a cheerful voice: “It’s a miracle of love! Because master had loved and cared for me so much, your wish for companionship was granted!”

What?

WHAT? Did she really just say it was a miracle? Because that explains…Nothing.

I put my face in my palm and contemplated the situation.

“Master, what are you doing?” She said inquisitively as she came over to where I was sitting.

I sigh as I resigned myself to accepting reality.

“Okay, Alright…I’m probably going crazy but…Anyway, Sora…Don’t call me master…It’s weird no matter how you see it!” I say nervously.

She smiled at me and nodded understandingly.

I gulp nervously as I search my bag for the swimsuit I bought with my sister.

Later, at the beach…

“Wow, girl! Those are some nice ears you got there. Cosplay much?” A man asked Sora.

“Damn, that is one cute chick! I’d hit that!” Another guy wolf whistled.

Sora is attracting too much attention to herself, I thought as I walked behind her. She’s also unawares of them undressing her with their eyes. Her innocence is cute, definitely.

However, one guy got a little bit too close for comfort…

“Wil! Help me…There is a scary man who’s touching me!” Sora came crying to me.

I found the culprit. He looks like a strong guy, but I won’t forgive anyone who makes Sora cry.

“Hey, get in line! I was here first!” The man shouted at me.

“Shut up! Get your hands off her!” I shout back, shielding Sora behind my back.

“I’ll teach you to mess with me!” The man shouted and threw a punch at me.

It ended with a fight…

Sora was with me afterwards.

“Wil, I’m sorry.” She apologised meekly.

I smile at her weakly and patted her head. She lifted my arm and started to lick my wounds…

Shocked and embarrassed at the sudden gesture, I reacted impulsively.

“Stop that! It’s embarrassing!” I accidently shout at her. She looked at me with a hurt and apologetic expression and I instantly regret what I did.

“Oh…I’m sorry! Wait, Sora!” I shouted as Sora took off running while crying.

“Damn it Wilfred what’s wrong with you!” I scolded myself harshly.

I took off after her and ran into the resort and up the stairs to our room.

I bang on the door and apologised repeatedly, to no avail. She locked it.

I hurt her…I can’t ever forgive myself for this…But I will make it up to her, if only she’ll give me the chance!

*Creak*

The door opened.

“Oh thank god! Sora, I’m so sor-“I was cut off when I was dragged in.

“Wait, Wha-“I was forcibly thrown to the floor. Sora was staring down at me. She bit her lip in hesitation…

She leapt on me and tried to forcibly lower my pants.

“Wait! Sora, Stop!” I tried to push her away. She was crying because she couldn’t do it.

“Sora, why are you doing this?” I ask her softly after she gave up.

“B-because…If I don’t, master will throw me out…I’ll be alone again…” She said, voice filled with sadness.

……

I smile.

“Silly, you know I’d never do that…” I whisper as I brought her closer to me.

I won't leave her side; I won't let her be abandoned like I was before I met her... I'll cherish her forever, no matter what comes…

While her tears flowed freely, she closed her eyes as I drew her face closer to mine…

Later that night, we gazed up towards the night sky, basking in each other's warm embrace…

We were together, in solitude...Where we are least alone.
0
high_time
12 years ago
Hmm...how should I put it, the story is quite easy for the readers to catch on too and I could understand the plot for the start to finish, so kudos for you for making a well-placed scenario like this~

At some parts it feels a bit cliche' like an usual anime stereotype but it doesn't really affect my judgment. I don't know if it's just me but it looks like the story's being through some major trimming, if it could be extended and developed from the hastily described part I'm sure it will turn out to be a powerful piece~

So yeah I take it you're trying to muster a balanced plot with character development, overall the story turns out quite nicely to me. But if there's one thing to improve it's probably about the character development, since even though the characters are pretty decent itself, I can't really feel strong emotions in it. Putting it simply you might want to make their feelings a bit more...realistic. If you can do that perfectly I think there's quite a large chance for you to win one of the prizes~

Up to the story itself yeah from the start to finish I could see where it is going, though I haven't seen much Cat/Dog girl-themed stories lately. The most memorable one is Wanko to Kurasou, so more or less the story reminded me on that one except the heroine starts in animal form instead of humanoid one. About that sudden transformation I believe that I've seen couple of those so it's not an entirely new idea for me, sort of expected it but still nice. There's not much twist going on but in my opinion this story has more of potential to be a relaxed romance thing with minimal amount of twists and turns rather than some dramatic one.

Since the character motives and actions are clear enough all you have to do is probably try to intensify it a bit and you're all done! Anyway nice job, I'm sure you'll do well on this event~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
Hmm...how should I put it, the story is quite easy for the readers to catch on too and I could understand the plot for the start to finish, so kudos for you for making a well-placed scenario like this~

At some parts it feels a bit cliche' like an usual anime stereotype but it doesn't really affect my judgment. I don't know if it's just me but it looks like the story's being through some major trimming, if it could be extended and developed from the hastily described part I'm sure it will turn out to be a powerful piece~

So yeah I take it you're trying to muster a balanced plot with character development, overall the story turns out quite nicely to me. But if there's one thing to improve it's probably about the character development, since even though the characters are pretty decent itself, I can't really feel strong emotions in it. Putting it simply you might want to make their feelings a bit more...realistic. If you can do that perfectly I think there's quite a large chance for you to win one of the prizes~

Up to the story itself yeah from the start to finish I could see where it is going, though I haven't seen much Cat/Dog girl-themed stories lately. The most memorable one is Wanko to Kurasou, so more or less the story reminded me on that one except the heroine starts in animal form instead of humanoid one. About that sudden transformation I believe that I've seen couple of those so it's not an entirely new idea for me, sort of expected it but still nice. There's not much twist going on but in my opinion this story has more of potential to be a relaxed romance thing with minimal amount of twists and turns rather than some dramatic one.

Since the character motives and actions are clear enough all you have to do is probably try to intensify it a bit and you're all done! Anyway nice job, I'm sure you'll do well on this event~


Haha wow that's a long comment, but i really appreciate it. But yeah, major trimming is right, it originally went on to about...2000 words + or something. Here's a phrase i believe in about writing -> "there is a reason writers use cliche's...They work, and people enjoy them". And of course, trimming is horrible. I could have made is 100X better i believe, if only the world limit wasn't there! I wanted to definitely improve that last part especially, it was hastily done with what word count i had left, character development wise...I think Wil had enough of a backstory but Sora didn't. But true, i tend to write more relaxed ones as opposed to ultra dramatised ones(not to say i don't write any but...). IF ONLY NO WORD LIMIT, is what i cursed the whole time i was writing this. I don't know what to do though, High, because i can't trim the starting any more than i already have to put extra "oomph" into the last part...

Still, thanks for the criticism! I appreciate it, good luck with yours too~
0
high_time
12 years ago
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Haha wow that's a long comment, but i really appreciate it. But yeah, major trimming is right, it originally went on to about...2000 words + or something. Here's a phrase i believe in about writing -> "there is a reason writers use cliche's...They work, and people enjoy them". And of course, trimming is horrible. I could have made is 100X better i believe, if only the world limit wasn't there! I wanted to definitely improve that last part especially, it was hastily done with what word count i had left, character development wise...I think Wil had enough of a backstory but Sora didn't. But true, i tend to write more relaxed ones as opposed to ultra dramatised ones(not to say i don't write any but...). IF ONLY NO WORD LIMIT, is what i cursed the whole time i was writing this. I don't know what to do though, High, because i can't trim the starting any more than i already have to put extra "oomph" into the last part...

Still, thanks for the criticism! I appreciate it, good luck with yours too~


The word limit also affects me a lot since I got tons of interesting ideas but failed to deliver them given it will take lots of words that will most likely surpass the limit even if it gets trimmed down to the max~

Ah I see. One caution to take note of, cliches only work if the author manage to execute them well enough. If the story premise itself weren't that good the story might still fall apart. Using too much cliche also results in a loss of sense of enjoyment towards more critical and thoughtful readers, be prepared for some strong criticisms from them because they're really difficult to please. That's based on the perspectives that the reader wants something different each time~

But I believe you're the kind that could muster them with utmost balance so I gave another thumbs up for that~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Haha wow that's a long comment, but i really appreciate it. But yeah, major trimming is right, it originally went on to about...2000 words + or something. Here's a phrase i believe in about writing -> "there is a reason writers use cliche's...They work, and people enjoy them". And of course, trimming is horrible. I could have made is 100X better i believe, if only the world limit wasn't there! I wanted to definitely improve that last part especially, it was hastily done with what word count i had left, character development wise...I think Wil had enough of a backstory but Sora didn't. But true, i tend to write more relaxed ones as opposed to ultra dramatised ones(not to say i don't write any but...). IF ONLY NO WORD LIMIT, is what i cursed the whole time i was writing this. I don't know what to do though, High, because i can't trim the starting any more than i already have to put extra "oomph" into the last part...

Still, thanks for the criticism! I appreciate it, good luck with yours too~


The word limit also affects me a lot since I got tons of interesting ideas but failed to deliver them given it will take lots of words that will most likely surpass the limit even if it gets trimmed down to the max~

Ah I see. One caution to take note of, cliches only work if the author manage to execute them well enough. If the story premise itself weren't that good the story might still fall apart. Using too much cliche also results in a loss of sense of enjoyment towards more critical and thoughtful readers, be prepared for some strong criticisms from them because they're really difficult to please. That's based on the perspectives that the reader wants something different each time~

But I believe you're the kind that could muster them with utmost balance so I gave another thumbs up for that~


Really? i appreciate it =). I need all this practice with competitions and the like because i'm looking to make a living off writing in the future. I'm nowhere near the level of best-sellers, but i intend to go that far in future. And yeah, about cliche's i understand. When i first started, i was afraid of criticism, but now i understand that criticism is also meant to help me. But there are no word limits in real books so i might not have as much trouble XD. Strong criticism? if i could get a comment from someone THAT CRITICAL and HARD TO PLEASE, it means i at least attracted their attention, which is a + for me. Thanks for the encouragement! i look forward to seeing both of our future works as well~

By the way, did you remember my past story, The Greatest Gift? i revamped it and submitted it to an international magazine competition. I probably wont win but i tried entering =).
0
high_time
12 years ago
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Really? i appreciate it =). I need all this practice with competitions and the like because i'm looking to make a living off writing in the future. I'm nowhere near the level of best-sellers, but i intend to go that far in future. And yeah, about cliche's i understand. When i first started, i was afraid of criticism, but now i understand that criticism is also meant to help me. But there are no word limits in real books so i might not have as much trouble XD. Strong criticism? if i could get a comment from someone THAT CRITICAL and HARD TO PLEASE, it means i at least attracted their attention, which is a + for me. Thanks for the encouragement! i look forward to seeing both of our future works as well~

By the way, did you remember my past story, The Greatest Gift? i revamped it and submitted it to an international magazine competition. I probably wont win but i tried entering =).


Yeah I remember that you want to write a novel sometime in the future. That's a great attitude to have and I'm sure you'll be a big name in the future, I myself would probably go towards a different directions since I plan to wrote for Doujins, Visual Novels, or something like that~

Well what's important is you tried to submit things that you worked your best of, at least you'll have a great experience while doing so~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Really? i appreciate it =). I need all this practice with competitions and the like because i'm looking to make a living off writing in the future. I'm nowhere near the level of best-sellers, but i intend to go that far in future. And yeah, about cliche's i understand. When i first started, i was afraid of criticism, but now i understand that criticism is also meant to help me. But there are no word limits in real books so i might not have as much trouble XD. Strong criticism? if i could get a comment from someone THAT CRITICAL and HARD TO PLEASE, it means i at least attracted their attention, which is a + for me. Thanks for the encouragement! i look forward to seeing both of our future works as well~

By the way, did you remember my past story, The Greatest Gift? i revamped it and submitted it to an international magazine competition. I probably wont win but i tried entering =).


Yeah I remember that you want to write a novel sometime in the future. That's a great attitude to have and I'm sure you'll be a big name in the future, I myself would probably go towards a different directions since I plan to wrote for Doujins, Visual Novels, or something like that~

Well what's important is you tried to submit things that you worked your best of, at least you'll have a great experience while doing so~


Damn, well i wouldn't mind playing a part in releasing a Visual Novel either, Eroge's and such. I had planned to do VN adaptations of some stories i have in mind. Or have already written haha XD. Well, if you need my input anytime feel free to find me on this site or any other site. Thanks for the encouragement till now, i appreciate it much.

I also wanted to make many many doujins from my fiction i wrote, but i can't draw to save my life X.x. I love Visual Novels for one, so i can also be some sort of playtester/advisor in future if i so feel like it haha.
0
high_time
12 years ago
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Damn, well i wouldn't mind playing a part in releasing a Visual Novel either, Eroge's and such. I had planned to do VN adaptations of some stories i have in mind. Or have already written haha XD. Well, if you need my input anytime feel free to find me on this site or any other site. Thanks for the encouragement till now, i appreciate it much.

I also wanted to make many many doujins from my fiction i wrote, but i can't draw to save my life X.x. I love Visual Novels for one, so i can also be some sort of playtester/advisor in future if i so feel like it haha.


Ok then I'll be looking forward to your assistance if the circumstances meet up that is if I had something to offer and you have some free time to spare~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Damn, well i wouldn't mind playing a part in releasing a Visual Novel either, Eroge's and such. I had planned to do VN adaptations of some stories i have in mind. Or have already written haha XD. Well, if you need my input anytime feel free to find me on this site or any other site. Thanks for the encouragement till now, i appreciate it much.

I also wanted to make many many doujins from my fiction i wrote, but i can't draw to save my life X.x. I love Visual Novels for one, so i can also be some sort of playtester/advisor in future if i so feel like it haha.


Ok then I'll be looking forward to your assistance if the circumstances meet up that is if I had something to offer and you have some free time to spare~


Strange...The total word count when i posted it WAS 1500, but i checked with an online tool and it's...Overly many words...Mind helping me check as well? i need confirmation X.x High_time, seriously i tried multiple different counting tools...
Ms Word: 1500
Wordcounttool: 1570
Java counter or something: 1420???????
WHA...? I think it has something to do with them counting spaces or something but i'm not sure...It's 5 days before deadline and i'm seriously unsure...
0
high_time
12 years ago
It's 1533 words in Open Office and I usually use that for my writings =)
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
It's 1533 words in Open Office and I usually use that for my writings =)


Right...Thanks. Word says it's 1500 though so i really don't know what to do! i'm planning to do a one by one count of EACH AND EVERY WORD...but first of all do i count numbers, spaces or anything like that?
0
high_time
12 years ago
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Right...Thanks. Word says it's 1500 though so i really don't know what to do! i'm planning to do a one by one count of EACH AND EVERY WORD...but first of all do i count numbers, spaces or anything like that?


Well my suggestion is to go PM Cinia for this matter to clarify things, if it's just about the word counting I'm sure he could spend a time on it~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Right...Thanks. Word says it's 1500 though so i really don't know what to do! i'm planning to do a one by one count of EACH AND EVERY WORD...but first of all do i count numbers, spaces or anything like that?


Well my suggestion is to go PM Cinia for this matter to clarify things, if it's just about the word counting I'm sure he could spend a time on it~


Oh! That might work...But is he really that free? i have no choice though i guess.
2 sources say 1500, two say more, 1 says less...GAH.
Thanks for the help though, high =).
0
Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer
12 years ago
It's 1500 words. :)
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
It's 1500 words. :)


Whew! Thanks a lot Cinia ;D
I actually lost some sleep over this but i'm glad it's over. Thanks for the help!
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
leonard267 wrote...
Your entry, like mine, is still not on the list yet. You may have to contact Cinia.


I heard he's just being lazy! He'll do it by the 15th apparently my friend said...
0
Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer
12 years ago
I wanna read more. You should write more on this~
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I wanna read more. You should write more on this~


I'm glad. Thanks for the praise!

Though, Cinia... i wanted to expand on this, but the damn word limit killed me totally! I might consider posting the original version when and if i get around to it...It's much longer and more detailed...But you understand, contests require a lot of trimming...X.x
0
Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer
12 years ago
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I wanna read more. You should write more on this~


I'm glad. Thanks for the praise!

Though, Cinia... i wanted to expand on this, but the damn word limit killed me totally! I might consider posting the original version when and if i get around to it...It's much longer and more detailed...But you understand, contests require a lot of trimming...X.x


Lol. Well, I was asking you to expand on the story and write a more detailed version as not to be a contest entry, but a contribution to the forum.

I'm sure that it's readers will enjoy it.
0
AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist
12 years ago
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I wanna read more. You should write more on this~


I'm glad. Thanks for the praise!

Though, Cinia... i wanted to expand on this, but the damn word limit killed me totally! I might consider posting the original version when and if i get around to it...It's much longer and more detailed...But you understand, contests require a lot of trimming...X.x


Lol. Well, I was asking you to expand on the story and write a more detailed version as not to be a contest entry, but a contribution to the forum.

I'm sure that it's readers will enjoy it.


I know that, but i think i'll wait until the contest is over...The original was so much longer too X.x...But i'll see what i can do. Thanks, i appreciate the comments XD
  1. Forums
  3. Writing and Fanfiction
Post Reply