[Summer Writing Entry 2012] An Empty Summer

An Empty Summer

"I'm looking for someone. Her name is Vy. She said she was in room 214... I think. Can you tell me where that is?" I asked a nurse that was walking by.

"Hm? It should be just down this hall to the left. You probably just missed it," the nurse politely responded while pointing down a hall close by.

That's right; her room was close to mines. I wasn't even thinking straight anymore.

I made sure to thank the nurse as she gave me a smile and walked away. I walked down the hallway she pointed out and sure enough, I found the room. But, for some reason I stopped in front of it. My legs felt weak and my hands shook as I reached for the doorknob. What was I scared of...?

I thought back to when we first met.

----

I sat at a bench on the far end of the room. It was an exercise room, usually used in the mornings or afternoon during daily routines, but I come often during the night with permission. It was normally empty at night and I enjoy the silence when I work out a bit.

"You can't give up!!" I heard a voice that was practically screaming behind me.

"What the fu-" I attempted to retort as I turned to see who else could be in this room so late, but I just as I was going to finish, I caught sight of a girl standing at the entrance to the room.

The girl had long, black hair that stretched across her back. She wore the same clothes I did: a set of pajama-like clothing, light-blue in color, thin as paper, the shirt was tied on the back; it was hospital clothes.

I tried to say something, but nothing came out. I didn't understand why, but I was captivated by the girl that was slowly approaching me.

By the time she had reached the bench where i sat, and took a seat next to me, I could tell she was fairly tall, just a bit shorter than me. She had hazel brown eyes, and she wore a gold necklace with a small golden locket around her neck that shimmered under the light.

"My name's Vy," she gave me a gentle smile, directly looking at me.

"U-Uh, I'm Peter," I stuttered a bit, still confused at the situation, "W-what are you doing here anyways?"

"To exercise," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

There was a silence that seemed to last much longer than I was comfortable with. She was still staring at me, and likewise, I was caught in an awkward gaze that I couldn't seem to pull myself away from.

"Wh-Why did you tell me to 'not give up'?" I tried to break the silence, but I realized that it would've just been better to get up and leave. I didn't really want to talk, and this was getting increasingly embarrassing.

"In the mornings... You always tried so hard. In the afternoon, you give it twice the effort. You always stayed back to exercise a bit more, and you're always talking to the nurse and the doctor," she broke the gaze and looked a bit downcast as she stared off into the empty space of the room.

"And every night, I hear the footsteps of someone passing by my room at 8 o clock, every day, without missing a single day. I was interested. And... Before I knew it..." Her voice trailed off into a soft, almost inaudible voice.

I didn't understand what was going on. What was she saying? Was she- Did- This isn't some vanilla I found on Fakku!

Thoughts were racing in my head to the point where I didn't know what to think. My face was burning, my hands were shaking, and my entire body felt a bit weak.

"I need you Peter..." Her voice was still soft, but she slowly turned to look at me, and we locked gazes again.

"I-I-" Just as I began to mutter something, Vy cut me off.

"...to get stronger," she said with a sense of resolve.

Well fuck.

----

My hand was on the doorknob, and my body was still tense. I didn't want to open that door, but I knew I had to.

Tears began to run down my face. I didn't know when it started, but I felt my body gasping for packets of air. I felt the stream run down my face.

It was my fault.

----

We started working out together after we met. We worked out in the mornings, and afternoons, and nights. I'd always thought working out alone was better, but for some reason, it seemed a lot more fun with Vy around.

It was summer, but I was spending my time in a hospital. I had a lung disease, and I've been at the hospital for a while now. I workout often, trying to prove that I could make it through, that I could fight fate. All I wanted to do was to go out and swim, to run along a beach, to play volleyball in the sand. It's been so long, I can't even remember what those feel like.

But for some reason, even though it was like every other summer I spent at the hospital, it felt different this time. And before I realized it, Vy was not only the reason why the summer felt different, but why I felt different. I'd fallen for her.

Vy had a heart disease. She wouldn't tell me what it was, but she said that she'd been admitted to the hospital recently. Every day, she worked hard. She worked twice as hard as I did at times. I worried she was pushing her limits at times; she would just turn to me and give me a gentle smile, and only after begging her, would she take a break. She wanted the same thing I did. She wanted to do what she used to be able to do. She just wanted to enjoy summer.

But one day, I asked her what was in the locket she wore. When she opened it, there was nothing inside. She explained that there was never anything inside. She said that it was a gift from her mother and that her mother told her that it'll be filled one day before she realized it.

The next day, when we were exercising at night, she pushed herself like she always did. But when I asked her to take a break, she gave me her usual smile... and her eyelids seemed to droop ever so slightly. Her body fell down. She didn't move. She didn't say goodbye.

----

I opened that door. Tears streaming down my eyes. And before me, I saw her lying down peacefully on a hospital bed. I walked over to her side. No one else was in the room. And I broke down.

I couldn't think. I couldn't see. My world came crashing down.

Fuck. Shit. Vy! Vy! I-I- Sorry. I can't-.

I grabbed hold of her hand and I felt something in her palm. It was her locket, and it was open. And there, was a picture of me and her together.

Review #5

The Good: I'm a sucker for melodrama. I just love it. LOVE IT. Made sense about everything. From what I understand, the dying heart is at least filled with the protagonist. That is some kawaii shit right there. More than anything, I enjoyed the final half of the story. It just seemed so much like a real story, that I was involved into that more than anything else. I'm not going to talk about grammer since you seemed to follow all the rules.

Grammer: OKAY (this is new, going to do it for all reviews)

The Okay: Is it me, or is anyone creeped out that a girl managed to take your photo and shove it in her locket? Unless you were clearly dating, that is a little on the freakier side. Other than that, it seems a little random that a girl is following this boy. Then again, it does make sense in a hospital full of old people.

The Bad: The first half. Not in the sense that it actually is bad, but it is a completely story from the second half. Let me reconstruct this story for you. If you began "in medias res" with the hand on the doorknob and played the entire story back like you wrote the second half, and then had the dialogue happen in the second half itself, I feel that the story could have been stronger. By no means am I saying this was a bad story, but the structure could have been different.

Your tenacity and persistence is quite the feat. I love that you're making an effort to review every story (which is... well... a lot), and I'm glad that you reviewed mines.

More than anything, I tried to focus on emotions. The layout of the story was indeed to highlight certain parts of the story. But, I feel like explaining (unless really requested) means that I've just gotta try harder next time around to show people what I want. No doubt, some edges need to be rounded out. But... I cut it real close with the deadline, and could fix problems that I saw.

Thanks for the review! It's a major reason for me joining the contest. And, continue the good work, because trust me, I really appreciate it, and I assume others will too.

This is an interesting side of the story you wrote for the winter, xnine. I'm glad to see it come through in this contest, as I'm sure these characters are very close to you.

Peter and vy are close friends of mines. Their relationship is a testament to the purity and love that I envision in a relationship. When I write stories like these, their names happen to flow well into the story, and it makes writing a lot easier.

Thanks for reading!

Possible Reference?

Well at first when I skimmed through the first half of the story it didn't really get to me that much, but when I came to the second half it begun to make some sense. To be said, I like this piece, that was a powerful written work delivered by the words right over there and I gave ya some kudos for it.

But if only you could polish it a bit further by improving the first half, sorry but it feels like that one seems a bit rushed at a glance...when the contest is over you probably might wanna do some favor to smooth out the transition between the scenes, while the character's action flew vividly it still drags me into confusion on where did they went...it does appear that the character moves so quickly between the scenes it feels like they're teleporting lol...maybe it's just me~

Though the second half is great, couldn't have done it better myself

With all the things said I'm sure you'll do well on this event~

People with Heart Diseases, are they really supposed to work out? I thought they must quit exhaustion, which will cause their hearts turn overdrive.

Anyways, I think what made the story inconsistent was the imbalanced impact of the present situation and the flashbacks. When we plot a story by shifting Present and Past , their purpose are different to the other. Present situations are used to intensify the conflict and mystery of what will happen in the conclusion. The past/flashbacks explain the origin of the conflict.

Shortly, the “Flashback Parts” overpowered the Present ones. That is why people kept telling you they like the Second half, because it was merely consists of the Flashbacks.

The Ending was not a Smash! Because the “Present Part” failed to do its job, which is making us “excited about the ending”. It made us want to know more about the couple’s past, instead.

I liked the story. It’s not hard to comprehend and it had that “healthy amount of romance”. The stuff that’ll not make us overdose, yet not lacking. Good job.

Up to some extent, they can. Apparently the need to workout is for the heart to get stronger. But pushing over the limits does cause problems.

I've never seen the anime. In my stories, I try pretty hard to come up with something original that at least I haven't seen.





I understand now. In fact, I did put a lot more work into the flashbacks than I did the 'present' scenes, and I guess it's showing to an obvious extent. I didn't think about it before but the flashbacks generally, and more or less intended to in my case, to reinforce the climax that occurs in the 'present'. That being said, I think I understand that with all the great buildup, the end result could've or should've been much better.

And High, they aren't teleporting! My dashed lines signify a change between the flashbacks and the present time. *Makes note to create better transitions.*

It's constructive criticism like these (and CoffeePrince's) that help the most. Thanks guys!



Precisely. If she had a heart disease that was severe enough that she should have no exercise, then she wouldn't be at the daily morning/afternoon routines. And if you decide to overwork yourself on your own time, after working out with permission, alone, for months already... well, that's not something a doctor can monitor.

PM me if you want the grading!

Review #6:

Comments:

- One of the above-the-average works in this contest in my opinion.

- I really like reading your unique love stories with those mysterious allures. I don't know, they just have that feeling of mystery in them. Perhaps that's a default implementation of an element from your very writing style and I appreciate that.

- Even if it wasn't really intended, I feel that there is a somewhat connection to your story that was posted in the Seasonal Writing Contest.. or is it just me?

- Hmm... you seem to do well in describing what Peter thinks. However, I don't seem to see much description of how Vy feels most of the time?

- Originality, while most of the idea seems quite original at first glance. I can think that love in an exercise room is not uncommon, also, I find the whole girl-with-bad-condition-overworking in the exercise room not just unoriginal, but have actually witnessed it from time to time (last time was while I played Katawa Shoujo). Nor is love in the blooming in one's stay at the hospital for a long time. However, the events themselves seems to save this mostly.

- You know... I don't think I'd ever think back on the past while holding the doorknob while trembling. I just doesn't feel right. It feels like he's thinking back for so long that it starts to seem awkward after the reminiscing ends. And to top that off, Peter does it twice in this tale.

- We don't really know when Vy took a picture of Peter... is she a yandere stalker?! Probably not! But it'd be interesting if she was.

- I think it leaves a nice impression upon me despite the issues it had. Good job on that.

EDIT: I forgot about the in-depth part.

In-depth views based on categories:

Grammar/spelling: Slight mistakes here and there, everything else seems fine.

Plot: Unique love with that mysterious allure? That can only be good. But not really a material for something I'd call outstanding.

Themes: Fair points for nailing romance and summer. Dunno about vacation... but I think you did a pretty well job with the two.

Flow: Reminiscences... they kind of broke the flow for me. It would have better if Peter reminisced in appropriate moments when one would at a circumstance... let's say you wrote that Peter hesitantly entered the room, cried a lot and sat down beside her and then started to remember everything; I think that would flow well. Or perhaps when heading out to Vy's room. It'd clearly provide a better flow, I believe.

Originality: Again, part about the girl working hard while exercising isn't unheard of, nor is the love blooming in the hospital, I believe. The rest saves it though.