Lost in darkness
Forever shining
To lose your life
And find a soul
Over and over
Until the end
For being different, that was my issue. Even for a girl, I always worried too much. Too much about the simple things that needn’t be worried about. I focused tremendously on love, obsessed with falling in love and staying with someone for eternity. Searching, and continuing to search for that someone. Even now, I have yet to find someone who I can fall in love with. Into their eyes I stare constantly, continually searching for that one person. But no matter how many boys I look at, I cannot find one with that spark for love. Most of them are far more interested in porn than actual girls, anyway. They always look only at the body, and not at the person inside the body. I may not be the most attractive girl at my school, but I’m at least decent looking. Simply because I have a little bit of a smaller chest does not make me all that less attractive.
But it doesn’t matter… and it didn’t matter. No matter how much I looked I never found someone that would even find it worth their time to ask me out. I became depressed and started hiding in my room after getting home from school every night. Eventually, purely out of sexual frustration, I began looking into porn as well so as to appease my lust for a lover. I would always masturbate on my bed pillows, making me have to start doing my own laundry at the time as well. My parents probably started noticing, but I try not to think about that situation.
It’s now been about 3 years since I started hiding away and masturbating, and now I’m in my second year at an all-girls High School. My parents seem to worry about me since I hide away, thinking that I have a problem with finding and going out to see friends. But I cannot tell them, neither they, nor anyone else at my school, would understand my frustration. They all treat love as something along the lines of a temporary insanity when you are young. Perhaps they are right, because I am young and believe that it is the greatest thing in the world, and that is why I constantly seek it. That is why I desire it so much…
Kiiiin, koooon, kaaan, kooon
Ah, the school bell. I got distracted thinking about everything that’s happened over the past 3 years. A lot of people are already gone…That’s one thing I noticed my school did differently; we don’t have the after-class formality that most other schools in Japan do. My friend, Haruka Osagawa, walks over towards my desk.
“Hey, Iku-chan! You look as depressed as ever!”
“You’re a wonderful, supportive friend, Haru-chan.”
“Aw, don’t be like that! I do my best! If you’re going to be like this you’re going to be terrible on the school’s psychological tests.”
“What tests?”
“The school’s adding in psychological tests with this year’s physical. They say it’s to make sure our young minds are developing well or something.”
“Ugh, that’s right…physicals are coming up…”
“Hmmmm? Still worried about your body image?”
“Shut up, it’s not your business.”
“Hmph, you’re so cold.”
I can’t really get mad at her…she’s always been there for me and she is right. I know that I shouldn’t be worried, but I just can’t help myself…
Oh, right, the bell rang, better gather my things…
“Excuse me, Sensei, is Ikue Ebisawa here?”
Eh? My name? I look up and see a tall student with long, flowing black hair standing in front of Sensei’s desk. Sensei looks over at me and directs the girl in my direction.
“Hello, Ebisawa-san, my name is Miyuki Shiroyama, pleased to meet you.”
“Ah, pleased to meet you, um, just Ikue or Iku-chan is fine…Shiroyama-senpai.”
“Call me Miyuki. Iku-chan, such a cute name…”
Eh…? I’ve never had anyone tell me my name is…cute… I look up at her and see amazing dark brown eyes staring down at me. The feeling is too intense, I need to look away.
“Hm? Sorry if I offended you…”
“Ah, no, sorry, um, what do you need me for?”
“Right. I need you to come with me to the student council.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No, I just need to speak with you about something.”
“…okay”
I’ve never had any association with the student council before; I don’t think I’ve ever even been in the meeting room. But what could this be for? Perhaps they already know about my psychological issues and are having me take the test early… that would be interesting.
…Why is everyone staring at us as we walk through the halls? Maybe she’s the strict, rule enforcer of the student council…maybe I really am in trouble…
There’s the meeting room…I heard it was big, but it seems quite small compared to the classroom I was just in…although the table in the center is pretty big…Oh, she’s sitting down at the other side, I guess I should sit as well…
“Um…Iku-chan?”
“Y-Yes!?”
“Why are you sitting so far away?”
“Eh?” I guess I am pretty far away from her…
“There’s no need to be scared, I told you before that you’re not in trouble.”
“R…right…” Then…directly across from her should be acceptable…right? I want to get a better look at her, anyways…
Wow…her eyelashes are so long…and her hair looks so silky…
“Iku-chan…I wanted to ask you…”
“Yes?!”
“I…I’ve heard rumors going around that you are in a relationship with someone outside of this school.”
“Eh? Me? You’re kidding, right?”
“Then…you’re not…?”
“…yeah…trust me, there’s no way in Hell that I would be able to find someone to go out with…”
“Y-You shouldn’t say things like that, y-you’re a very cute girl!”
Wha-what’s she getting so flustered over?
“Ah…S-sorry…” She stands up and faces the other way, “I…I’ve seen you around the school for a while…I’ve always thought you looked very...cute…and beautiful…”
“…eh?”
“S-sorry! Y-You can go home now!”
Did she really just say that…?
I have no time to ask, I have to go…but I look back once more and see a small reflection from her cheek. She was crying…
