The World of Four
0
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Status (8/21/12): Undergoing an overhaul~
Chapters will be put up in parts. All discussion and criticism welcome.
The World of Four
Chapter 1: Once a Strike, Twice a Retaliation
Chapter 2: A Price to Pay
[spoil]Part 3 of 3
-----
Aimlessly walking down the crowded street, mechanically dodging the people around her, Cait continued to gaze at the necklace that the man gave her. She had one hand holding the bag of fruit at her side, and her other hand lifting up the necklace to examine it further.
Twirling and rolling the gem of the necklace in the palm of her hand, it shimmered and glistened as it basked in the in sunlight. The intricate cuts and the details worked into the tear shaped gem were astonishing. After eyeing the gem one last time, she smiled and she let it drop from the palm of her hand and rest on her chest.
“I guess it’s time I get back,” she whispered to herself. And with that thought, she readjusted her eyes to her surroundings. She particularly eyed the corners and the alleyways, and after a moment, she started a casual, but fast-paced walked. Weaving her way through the busy market street, she ducked into a nearby alleyway. The alleyway lead to several other alleyways, and onto other, much smaller streets than the large market one. She continued to weave her way through streets and alleyways without stopping to look for alternate routes; it was as if she knew exactly where she was going in, even with so many streets, and so many people around.
After several streets, numerous alleyways, and countless apologies to those she bumped into along the way, she had found herself standing in on the sidewalk of a seemingly abandoned harbor. There was a small deck made out of wood that protruded slightly into the ocean, but no boats in sight. There were a couple abandoned buildings, which looked like old warehouses that were lined against the stone sidewalk. Several children could be seen on the small deck talking excitedly amongst each other. There were two boys that were standing as they talked, and two girls that sat on along the side of the deck. There was also another boy that wasn’t on the deck, but on the sidewalk pacing back and forth as he mumbled something to himself, deep in thought.
“Hey everyone! I’m back!” Cait called out to children.
All of the children seem to immediate stop their conversation as they turned to face Cait. All of them seemed excited and rushed over to the sidewalk where Cait was standing.
“Sis is back guys! She’s here!”
“How’d everything go sis?”
“Hey everyone! Comeon!!”
“Didja get any one today?!”
All of the children that were on the deck crowded around Cait, tugging at the hem of her dress and peppering her with greetings and questions. Cait responded smiling and laughing as she answered the children’s’ questions and patting the heads of each of them. She looked up seeing the one boy that stood just a bit away from her so that he wouldn’t be in the way of the children, and gently smiled at him as she waved at him. The boy, who seemed to be a bit older than the rest of the children, but not by much, waved back and sent back a gentle smile. The two of them seemed to understand each other just by making eye contact.
After another minute of the children noisy tugging and greeting Cait, she took a seat along the side of the pavement and plopped the bag of fruit onto her lap. The children seemed to follow Cait at with every movement and as she sat down, they sat along the pavement next to her, two on each side. The lone boy joined in as well, sitting on the end of the right side.
With the intense, curious stares of the children sitting next to her, Cait dramatically buried her right arm into the bag.
She kept her hand in the bag for a moment, and she said in a overly dramatic voice, “Today… We feast on apples!!” She took her hand revealing a bright red apples.
“Woahhhhh!”
“Really sis? Do I get one too?”
A barrage of applauses and excited comments raged on at each of he sides.
“Yes yes yes,” Cait said trying to calm the children down, but still wearing a smile on her face.
“One for everyone okay? Pass it down carefully!” This time, Cait sounded slightly stern, like a parent trying to teach her children.
Cait passed down the apples; two on her left, and three on her right. The children obediently passed the apples down in silence, and sat with an apple in their hand. They looked excited and seemed to be concentrating hard on not chomping right down into it.
After taking one last apple from the bag, and placing the bag on the ground behind her, making sure that it wasn’t going to fly away, she said, “Everyone got one? Okay, go ahead and close your eyes.”
Every one of them seemed to close their eyes, including Cait, and their expressions seemed to relax.
“Okay!” Cait broke the silence after a moment, “You can dig in now!”
“Yay!!!” The children seemed to all shout in unison. They all bit down on the bright red apples. All the children seemed to be content, and entirely focused on the apples. Cait smiled as she took a look around seeing them enthusiastically digging in. She stood up from her seat and took a step back, reassuring children to continue eating. However, the older child take sat on the far right stood up in response.
“Don’t wander off too far after you finish eating okay? And make sure you throw away what you don’t finish!” She directed her slightly stern voice in the direction of the children as she stepped back.
“Okayyyy!” A couple of children answered in muffled voices full of food, while the other two nodded their heads furiously, all them still focused on the apple in their hands.
Motioning the older child to take a walk with her, she began to walk with a slow pace along the sidewalk, waiting for the child to catch up. It didn’t take long for the child to jog up next to Cait.
After taking a bite into his apple, the child asked, “How was it?”
“The guards didn’t come after me or anything, so it was easy. But…” Cait spoke causally before abruptly pausing as she glanced down at the gem that hung at her neck.
“Yeah, I saw,” the child said with a slight enthusiasm in response to Cait’s silence, “I think it looks great on you.”
Cait decided to tell the child about the events that transpired in the morning. Complete with gestures, and overly dramatic tones at times, she told the child about how she had met the man, and the tragic tale behind the gem that rested on her chest. At times, she would abruptly pause and her voice would drift away as if guilt were welling up inside her as she spoke about the man’s wife; other times her voice would be filled with rage and angst as she expressed her bewilderment at the man’s seemingly nonsensical actions.
Reflecting on what she’d just said, Cait thought to herself, Someone who needs it huh? If only…
Cait broke the momentary silence that had formed with an unexpectedly serious voice, “Chris, I can’t do it.”
Chris stopped in his footsteps and turned towards Cait, his eyes were slightly widened, not with surprise, but with curiosity.
“I can’t support them anymore Chris. I can’t just keep stealing and stealing,” Cait paused for a moment as she also stopped in her footsteps, locking in a gaze with Chris.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I think it might be better if everyone went off to an orphanage. Maybe the one past the marketplace, by the outskirts of town,” Cait continued her one sided conversation in her calm, but serious voice that showed no signs of faltering.
“Those kids are all 10 years old or younger. Risa’s only 7; she can’t be on the streets like this. And you’re 15; I doubt they would turn you down.”
“I can’t support you all for long. I’m a 24-year-old woman with no job or house or anything. I’ve got no right to be a mother for those kids, they deserve better. What do you think Chris? You’re my brother, and we’ve been through it all; do you really want them to go through what we had to? Sometimes starving for days before we get our hands on a piece of bread?”
Any person would have broken down as they said this, as they recollected the hardships of poverty, but Cait’s voice stayed firm and resolute, and her gaze never shifted. This wasn’t something she had come up on impulse, but rather through the painstaking process of facing the reality of poverty and assessing her situation, as well as the situation of the children, everyday. Every word she spoke, she spoke with a confidence of an unbreakable argument, but also with a melancholy that reflected the truth behind every word. These were the words that a mother would be saying to herself as she’s abandoning a baby, knowing that there would be a better life outside of her care.
“Chris… you know what we went through. You know what I had to do. We both saw our share of blood. I… Fuck-,” Cait cut herself off, turning herself away from Chris in both disgust and guilt as a flicker of Cait’s past flashed in her mind.
Without a single flinch, Chris formed a gentle smile as if he understood Cait’s feelings as if they were his own. “I know sis…” He said softly as he turned his body so that their backs were facing one another before leaning his back causing his back to rest upon Cait’s back. Both of them supported the weight of one another as their backs were lightly leaning on one another.
“I might be 15 sis, but, I get it. No one needs to go through that. And, I knew it was only a matter of time before you would decide on what to do. An orphanage huh?”
“Back then, there wasn’t an orphanage. Or better yet, they turned us away because they didn’t have any room. Ironic isn’t it? In a city that has so much culture and wealth, its orphanages were filled,” Cait said cynically.
“So… is this it sis? I know that look in your eyes. You have something planned, and it’s selfish and wrong and it’s gonna save these kids isn’t it?” Chris inquired, this time, his voice sounded a bit harsh, as if he was scolding Cait despite their almost-10-year age gap.
“Go to the orphanage Chris, I’m not kidding.” She disengaged from leaning on Chris’ back, and straightened herself, folding her arms. Cait sounded cold and spoke without a hint of taking back her word.
As Chris straightened himself in response, he turned back around as Cait did the same, locking eyes once again with an intense stare.
“What are you planning sis? You plan on leaving again? You-you plan on abandoning me again?!” This time, Chris shouted, his words filled with anger.
“I came back didn’t I?! I was only gone for a couple weeks! You weren’t the only one that was scared Chris,” Cait spoke with a hollow tone that was quiet and hesitant; “You haven’t seen the blood that I’ve seen.”
“I ran last time Chris, because I couldn’t handle it, but this time, I’ll change things from the bottom up. I’ll become a mercenary, and I’ll come back for you Chris,” her voice was still soft, but it was filled with confidence.
Chris’ hands began to cover his face slowly, his face became downcast, and his gaze broke from Cait’s as looked downwards towards the floor. He let out a deep sigh as he attempted to relieve the tension that had built up in his body. He forced himself to not cry, to not break down, but he was right on the edge. It took several moments before he could relatively straighten himself.
Obviously still recovering from the surge of emotions, he looked up to meet Cait’s cold gaze, his eyes were just barely filled with the tears that he held back. “Why-why don’t you take me with you then?! I don’t understand! Why do you have to go by yourself?” Chris demanded answers.
“Because, Chris, you don’t understand what I’m doing. The world is darker than just poverty. Please Chris…” Cait changed into an almost motherly tone.
“I know sis! I get it!! I just…” Chris broke down onto his knees, his hands covering his face as tears flowed from his eyes. He huffed and wailed, attempting to hide and muffle the sound as best he could, but it was no use. “I-I ju-just don’t… want to l-l-lose y-you sis…” His voice stuttered and cracked as his pitch climbed with every staggering breath he took as the continued to wail.
Cait instantly dropped to her knees in response to Chris, and immediately embraced him, wrapping her arms around his head and pulling him close into her chest. “It’s ok Chris,” she whispered into her ear as lightly and softly as she could, attempting to comfort and reassure him with every word, “I swear to you, I’ll be back. I’ll change things Chris.”
They were far enough from the dock so that none of the children were in sight, and thus, the seemingly abandoned area was filled with Chris’ stammering cries. After a while, Chris calmed down. Still on the floor, the both of them sat staring at the vast blue ocean.
“You’ve gotta watch the kids. They’re like what we used to be; lost, confused, and abandoned, you have to be there to protected them and look out for them,” Cait said in a motherly tone, just as if the children were her own.
“I know sis… I promise,” Chris said in response, still downcast, but also confident.
“It’ll be a long time. It could be months, years, many years; I’m not sure how long it’s going to take,” Cait said, still calm and collected.
“I know… but…” Chris turned to Cait, his expression was much gentler; it was an expression of acceptance and understanding, “promise me that you’ll be back… alive.”
“I promise, Chris. I swear I’ll be back for everyone.”
-----
Chapters will be put up in parts. All discussion and criticism welcome.
The World of Four
Chapter 1: Once a Strike, Twice a Retaliation
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Chapter 2: A Price to Pay
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
[spoil]Part 3 of 3
-----
Aimlessly walking down the crowded street, mechanically dodging the people around her, Cait continued to gaze at the necklace that the man gave her. She had one hand holding the bag of fruit at her side, and her other hand lifting up the necklace to examine it further.
Twirling and rolling the gem of the necklace in the palm of her hand, it shimmered and glistened as it basked in the in sunlight. The intricate cuts and the details worked into the tear shaped gem were astonishing. After eyeing the gem one last time, she smiled and she let it drop from the palm of her hand and rest on her chest.
“I guess it’s time I get back,” she whispered to herself. And with that thought, she readjusted her eyes to her surroundings. She particularly eyed the corners and the alleyways, and after a moment, she started a casual, but fast-paced walked. Weaving her way through the busy market street, she ducked into a nearby alleyway. The alleyway lead to several other alleyways, and onto other, much smaller streets than the large market one. She continued to weave her way through streets and alleyways without stopping to look for alternate routes; it was as if she knew exactly where she was going in, even with so many streets, and so many people around.
After several streets, numerous alleyways, and countless apologies to those she bumped into along the way, she had found herself standing in on the sidewalk of a seemingly abandoned harbor. There was a small deck made out of wood that protruded slightly into the ocean, but no boats in sight. There were a couple abandoned buildings, which looked like old warehouses that were lined against the stone sidewalk. Several children could be seen on the small deck talking excitedly amongst each other. There were two boys that were standing as they talked, and two girls that sat on along the side of the deck. There was also another boy that wasn’t on the deck, but on the sidewalk pacing back and forth as he mumbled something to himself, deep in thought.
“Hey everyone! I’m back!” Cait called out to children.
All of the children seem to immediate stop their conversation as they turned to face Cait. All of them seemed excited and rushed over to the sidewalk where Cait was standing.
“Sis is back guys! She’s here!”
“How’d everything go sis?”
“Hey everyone! Comeon!!”
“Didja get any one today?!”
All of the children that were on the deck crowded around Cait, tugging at the hem of her dress and peppering her with greetings and questions. Cait responded smiling and laughing as she answered the children’s’ questions and patting the heads of each of them. She looked up seeing the one boy that stood just a bit away from her so that he wouldn’t be in the way of the children, and gently smiled at him as she waved at him. The boy, who seemed to be a bit older than the rest of the children, but not by much, waved back and sent back a gentle smile. The two of them seemed to understand each other just by making eye contact.
After another minute of the children noisy tugging and greeting Cait, she took a seat along the side of the pavement and plopped the bag of fruit onto her lap. The children seemed to follow Cait at with every movement and as she sat down, they sat along the pavement next to her, two on each side. The lone boy joined in as well, sitting on the end of the right side.
With the intense, curious stares of the children sitting next to her, Cait dramatically buried her right arm into the bag.
She kept her hand in the bag for a moment, and she said in a overly dramatic voice, “Today… We feast on apples!!” She took her hand revealing a bright red apples.
“Woahhhhh!”
“Really sis? Do I get one too?”
A barrage of applauses and excited comments raged on at each of he sides.
“Yes yes yes,” Cait said trying to calm the children down, but still wearing a smile on her face.
“One for everyone okay? Pass it down carefully!” This time, Cait sounded slightly stern, like a parent trying to teach her children.
Cait passed down the apples; two on her left, and three on her right. The children obediently passed the apples down in silence, and sat with an apple in their hand. They looked excited and seemed to be concentrating hard on not chomping right down into it.
After taking one last apple from the bag, and placing the bag on the ground behind her, making sure that it wasn’t going to fly away, she said, “Everyone got one? Okay, go ahead and close your eyes.”
Every one of them seemed to close their eyes, including Cait, and their expressions seemed to relax.
“Okay!” Cait broke the silence after a moment, “You can dig in now!”
“Yay!!!” The children seemed to all shout in unison. They all bit down on the bright red apples. All the children seemed to be content, and entirely focused on the apples. Cait smiled as she took a look around seeing them enthusiastically digging in. She stood up from her seat and took a step back, reassuring children to continue eating. However, the older child take sat on the far right stood up in response.
“Don’t wander off too far after you finish eating okay? And make sure you throw away what you don’t finish!” She directed her slightly stern voice in the direction of the children as she stepped back.
“Okayyyy!” A couple of children answered in muffled voices full of food, while the other two nodded their heads furiously, all them still focused on the apple in their hands.
Motioning the older child to take a walk with her, she began to walk with a slow pace along the sidewalk, waiting for the child to catch up. It didn’t take long for the child to jog up next to Cait.
After taking a bite into his apple, the child asked, “How was it?”
“The guards didn’t come after me or anything, so it was easy. But…” Cait spoke causally before abruptly pausing as she glanced down at the gem that hung at her neck.
“Yeah, I saw,” the child said with a slight enthusiasm in response to Cait’s silence, “I think it looks great on you.”
Cait decided to tell the child about the events that transpired in the morning. Complete with gestures, and overly dramatic tones at times, she told the child about how she had met the man, and the tragic tale behind the gem that rested on her chest. At times, she would abruptly pause and her voice would drift away as if guilt were welling up inside her as she spoke about the man’s wife; other times her voice would be filled with rage and angst as she expressed her bewilderment at the man’s seemingly nonsensical actions.
Reflecting on what she’d just said, Cait thought to herself, Someone who needs it huh? If only…
Cait broke the momentary silence that had formed with an unexpectedly serious voice, “Chris, I can’t do it.”
Chris stopped in his footsteps and turned towards Cait, his eyes were slightly widened, not with surprise, but with curiosity.
“I can’t support them anymore Chris. I can’t just keep stealing and stealing,” Cait paused for a moment as she also stopped in her footsteps, locking in a gaze with Chris.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I think it might be better if everyone went off to an orphanage. Maybe the one past the marketplace, by the outskirts of town,” Cait continued her one sided conversation in her calm, but serious voice that showed no signs of faltering.
“Those kids are all 10 years old or younger. Risa’s only 7; she can’t be on the streets like this. And you’re 15; I doubt they would turn you down.”
“I can’t support you all for long. I’m a 24-year-old woman with no job or house or anything. I’ve got no right to be a mother for those kids, they deserve better. What do you think Chris? You’re my brother, and we’ve been through it all; do you really want them to go through what we had to? Sometimes starving for days before we get our hands on a piece of bread?”
Any person would have broken down as they said this, as they recollected the hardships of poverty, but Cait’s voice stayed firm and resolute, and her gaze never shifted. This wasn’t something she had come up on impulse, but rather through the painstaking process of facing the reality of poverty and assessing her situation, as well as the situation of the children, everyday. Every word she spoke, she spoke with a confidence of an unbreakable argument, but also with a melancholy that reflected the truth behind every word. These were the words that a mother would be saying to herself as she’s abandoning a baby, knowing that there would be a better life outside of her care.
“Chris… you know what we went through. You know what I had to do. We both saw our share of blood. I… Fuck-,” Cait cut herself off, turning herself away from Chris in both disgust and guilt as a flicker of Cait’s past flashed in her mind.
Without a single flinch, Chris formed a gentle smile as if he understood Cait’s feelings as if they were his own. “I know sis…” He said softly as he turned his body so that their backs were facing one another before leaning his back causing his back to rest upon Cait’s back. Both of them supported the weight of one another as their backs were lightly leaning on one another.
“I might be 15 sis, but, I get it. No one needs to go through that. And, I knew it was only a matter of time before you would decide on what to do. An orphanage huh?”
“Back then, there wasn’t an orphanage. Or better yet, they turned us away because they didn’t have any room. Ironic isn’t it? In a city that has so much culture and wealth, its orphanages were filled,” Cait said cynically.
“So… is this it sis? I know that look in your eyes. You have something planned, and it’s selfish and wrong and it’s gonna save these kids isn’t it?” Chris inquired, this time, his voice sounded a bit harsh, as if he was scolding Cait despite their almost-10-year age gap.
“Go to the orphanage Chris, I’m not kidding.” She disengaged from leaning on Chris’ back, and straightened herself, folding her arms. Cait sounded cold and spoke without a hint of taking back her word.
As Chris straightened himself in response, he turned back around as Cait did the same, locking eyes once again with an intense stare.
“What are you planning sis? You plan on leaving again? You-you plan on abandoning me again?!” This time, Chris shouted, his words filled with anger.
“I came back didn’t I?! I was only gone for a couple weeks! You weren’t the only one that was scared Chris,” Cait spoke with a hollow tone that was quiet and hesitant; “You haven’t seen the blood that I’ve seen.”
“I ran last time Chris, because I couldn’t handle it, but this time, I’ll change things from the bottom up. I’ll become a mercenary, and I’ll come back for you Chris,” her voice was still soft, but it was filled with confidence.
Chris’ hands began to cover his face slowly, his face became downcast, and his gaze broke from Cait’s as looked downwards towards the floor. He let out a deep sigh as he attempted to relieve the tension that had built up in his body. He forced himself to not cry, to not break down, but he was right on the edge. It took several moments before he could relatively straighten himself.
Obviously still recovering from the surge of emotions, he looked up to meet Cait’s cold gaze, his eyes were just barely filled with the tears that he held back. “Why-why don’t you take me with you then?! I don’t understand! Why do you have to go by yourself?” Chris demanded answers.
“Because, Chris, you don’t understand what I’m doing. The world is darker than just poverty. Please Chris…” Cait changed into an almost motherly tone.
“I know sis! I get it!! I just…” Chris broke down onto his knees, his hands covering his face as tears flowed from his eyes. He huffed and wailed, attempting to hide and muffle the sound as best he could, but it was no use. “I-I ju-just don’t… want to l-l-lose y-you sis…” His voice stuttered and cracked as his pitch climbed with every staggering breath he took as the continued to wail.
Cait instantly dropped to her knees in response to Chris, and immediately embraced him, wrapping her arms around his head and pulling him close into her chest. “It’s ok Chris,” she whispered into her ear as lightly and softly as she could, attempting to comfort and reassure him with every word, “I swear to you, I’ll be back. I’ll change things Chris.”
They were far enough from the dock so that none of the children were in sight, and thus, the seemingly abandoned area was filled with Chris’ stammering cries. After a while, Chris calmed down. Still on the floor, the both of them sat staring at the vast blue ocean.
“You’ve gotta watch the kids. They’re like what we used to be; lost, confused, and abandoned, you have to be there to protected them and look out for them,” Cait said in a motherly tone, just as if the children were her own.
“I know sis… I promise,” Chris said in response, still downcast, but also confident.
“It’ll be a long time. It could be months, years, many years; I’m not sure how long it’s going to take,” Cait said, still calm and collected.
“I know… but…” Chris turned to Cait, his expression was much gentler; it was an expression of acceptance and understanding, “promise me that you’ll be back… alive.”
“I promise, Chris. I swear I’ll be back for everyone.”
-----
0
I said before that I'm really interested on your concept from writing the story using 4 different perspectives, so I decided to take my time on reading it from the beginning to your latest chapter. Well, I can say that I'm glad that I took my time because reading yours gives me a rewarding experience.
Firstly, I can't believe no one has commented on a writing this good. Nicely put descriptive writing and solid narrative really brings out the life to this story, I could imagine the scenes flowing out nicely just like watching a movie.
One thing that I may take note off, the story kinda begins abruptly with a sudden fight scene from Chapter 1. Hmm...I personally feel that most readers will have no clue about the story as you suddenly jumped on the bandwagon, but so far you managed to pull it through nicely with your writing skills.
My recommendation is, you might want to add in a short prologue Chapter describing the place where all the events occur, short description of all the Protagonist characters using your way to tell it, and etc using your own way of doing it. In my opinion, I prefer it to be somewhat vague and thought provoking that makes the readers wonder about what will happen~
The prologue should also be something that gives the readers a general idea about what your story is about, giving a nice warm-up so they can enjoy your story to the fullest extent. Though it's up to you whether you want to write it or not =)
Anyways, since the story is really promising for me. I'll try to help to the extent of my abilities so you can finally get around to build it up nicely until the time you completed this story. Best of luck, you can do it!
Firstly, I can't believe no one has commented on a writing this good. Nicely put descriptive writing and solid narrative really brings out the life to this story, I could imagine the scenes flowing out nicely just like watching a movie.
One thing that I may take note off, the story kinda begins abruptly with a sudden fight scene from Chapter 1. Hmm...I personally feel that most readers will have no clue about the story as you suddenly jumped on the bandwagon, but so far you managed to pull it through nicely with your writing skills.
My recommendation is, you might want to add in a short prologue Chapter describing the place where all the events occur, short description of all the Protagonist characters using your way to tell it, and etc using your own way of doing it. In my opinion, I prefer it to be somewhat vague and thought provoking that makes the readers wonder about what will happen~
The prologue should also be something that gives the readers a general idea about what your story is about, giving a nice warm-up so they can enjoy your story to the fullest extent. Though it's up to you whether you want to write it or not =)
Anyways, since the story is really promising for me. I'll try to help to the extent of my abilities so you can finally get around to build it up nicely until the time you completed this story. Best of luck, you can do it!