Tormented Wings
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This is my other fanfic project. I've written a few chapters already, but I'll just post chapter 1 for starters:
A young man steps into a dark, empty warehouse. Dust hangs in the air like smoke, the windows cracked, and holes pockmark the roof, creating small spots of light.
“Hello? Is there anyone in here? I thought I heard someone.”
Silence. The young man proceeded further into the warehouse, searching for any sign of habitation.
“Lucy? Are you in here?”
More silence. Ominously, the door behind the young man closes shut with a thunk.
“What was that? Who’s there?”
Hearing his words echo into nothingness, he shines a flashlight down, spotting a thick yellow wire.
“Hmm? Where does this go?”
He follows the path of the wire with his flashlight, trying to find the source.
Odd, he thought. This wire looks newer than the rest of the warehouse…
The young man shines his flashlight onto the objects at the end of the wire, and almost drops the flashlight in fright.
“B-b-b-bombs!”
He runs for the exit. Just before he makes it, his flashlight goes out…And a massive explosions engulfs the warehouse...
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
A young man wakes up, in a makeshift sleeping bag.
“Whew…It was just a bad dream...But why do I keep having that dream?”
The young man rubs his forehead with a metal hand, and climbs out of the sleeping bag.
“Guess it’s time for me to get up...”
The young man climbs out of the sleeping bag, putting on a tattered red coat and a pack.
“Guess I better get moving. There’s no use staying here, waiting to die. I have to keep traveling just to stay alive...”
He puts on a pair of worn boots and heads northward out of the city, toward promises of shelter and safety...
Chapter 1
A young man steps into a dark, empty warehouse. Dust hangs in the air like smoke, the windows cracked, and holes pockmark the roof, creating small spots of light.
“Hello? Is there anyone in here? I thought I heard someone.”
Silence. The young man proceeded further into the warehouse, searching for any sign of habitation.
“Lucy? Are you in here?”
More silence. Ominously, the door behind the young man closes shut with a thunk.
“What was that? Who’s there?”
Hearing his words echo into nothingness, he shines a flashlight down, spotting a thick yellow wire.
“Hmm? Where does this go?”
He follows the path of the wire with his flashlight, trying to find the source.
Odd, he thought. This wire looks newer than the rest of the warehouse…
The young man shines his flashlight onto the objects at the end of the wire, and almost drops the flashlight in fright.
“B-b-b-bombs!”
He runs for the exit. Just before he makes it, his flashlight goes out…And a massive explosions engulfs the warehouse...
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
A young man wakes up, in a makeshift sleeping bag.
“Whew…It was just a bad dream...But why do I keep having that dream?”
The young man rubs his forehead with a metal hand, and climbs out of the sleeping bag.
“Guess it’s time for me to get up...”
The young man climbs out of the sleeping bag, putting on a tattered red coat and a pack.
“Guess I better get moving. There’s no use staying here, waiting to die. I have to keep traveling just to stay alive...”
He puts on a pair of worn boots and heads northward out of the city, toward promises of shelter and safety...
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It wasn't exactly bad but i wouldn't say it was good.....
The chapter was too short and you didn't describe the character, other than the fact that he is a young man we don't know how he looks like. Then the plot wasn't written in introduction which you should have since it is the 1st chapter, you should introduce a little. There was almost no plot at all since all there was in the story was a guy that saw a bad dream....
I do think that the effect of the 'mysterious' feel you put in your story was good and you did create enough suspense. But thats' all i can say about it.
The chapter was too short and you didn't describe the character, other than the fact that he is a young man we don't know how he looks like. Then the plot wasn't written in introduction which you should have since it is the 1st chapter, you should introduce a little. There was almost no plot at all since all there was in the story was a guy that saw a bad dream....
I do think that the effect of the 'mysterious' feel you put in your story was good and you did create enough suspense. But thats' all i can say about it.
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Damienthedevil wrote...
The chapter was too short and you didn't describe the character, other than the fact that he is a young man we don't know how he looks like. Then the plot wasn't written in introduction which you should have since it is the 1st chapter, you should introduce a little. There was almost no plot at all since all there was in the story was a guy that saw a bad dream....I do think that the effect of the 'mysterious' feel you put in your story was good and you did create enough suspense. But thats' all i can say about it.
Dammit Damien, you said what I wanted to say!
Anyways, he's right. Listen to his harsh comments.
But I do have one opinion. Instead of making this the first chapter, just make it an intro. Then at Chapter 1, you can describe your character and other characters (if there are other) that'll appear in the story.
But i'm just a humble reader. You can ignore my comment if you don't like it^^
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Damienthedevil wrote...
The chapter was too short and you didn't describe the character, other than the fact that he is a young man we don't know how he looks like. Then the plot wasn't written in introduction which you should have since it is the 1st chapter, you should introduce a little. There was almost no plot at all since all there was in the story was a guy that saw a bad dream....I do think that the effect of the 'mysterious' feel you put in your story was good and you did create enough suspense. But thats' all i can say about it.
Dammit Damien, you said what I wanted to say!
Anyways, he's right. Listen to his harsh comments.
But I do have one opinion. Instead of making this the first chapter, just make it an intro. Then at Chapter 1, you can describe your character and other characters (if there are other) that'll appear in the story.
But i'm just a humble reader. You can ignore my comment if you don't like it^^
lol.... you make me sound like i'm a pro or something :roll:
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Damienthedevil wrote...
Uzumaki101 wrote...
Damienthedevil wrote...
The chapter was too short and you didn't describe the character, other than the fact that he is a young man we don't know how he looks like. Then the plot wasn't written in introduction which you should have since it is the 1st chapter, you should introduce a little. There was almost no plot at all since all there was in the story was a guy that saw a bad dream....I do think that the effect of the 'mysterious' feel you put in your story was good and you did create enough suspense. But thats' all i can say about it.
Dammit Damien, you said what I wanted to say!
Anyways, he's right. Listen to his harsh comments.
But I do have one opinion. Instead of making this the first chapter, just make it an intro. Then at Chapter 1, you can describe your character and other characters (if there are other) that'll appear in the story.
But i'm just a humble reader. You can ignore my comment if you don't like it^^
lol.... you make me sound like i'm a pro or something :roll:
What?! You weren't a pro?!? Watta shock :shock: