(untitled) Non - H
0
Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
This piece is not inherently bad in any way, but it is being weighed down by its structure, both wholly and when broken down into sentences.
You have numerous run-ons and fragments, along with full sentences separated by commas. Normally I wouldn't be a stickler for grammar but the number of run-ons in the beginning of the piece had me re-reading the sentences to ensure I knew what was going on multiple times.
The structure of the piece itself also seemed rather scattered. The sci-fi aspect was addressed and seemingly buried in the first 2-3 paragraphs, and the mention of the Vermin drug (along with the conditioning brought on by it) are ignored later on when the child/protagonist complains to his caretaker. Simply rearranging the paragraphs and bridging them cleanly to produce a feeling of flow would address this problem, though.
In all I enjoyed the content and am admittedly interested in the development of this piece, but I would recommend stepping back to the editing stage and acquiring a proof-read or two from anyone willing to do so. After that, this piece would be more solid, and thus fulfill its potential.
EDIT: This review/critique only refers to Part 1.
You have numerous run-ons and fragments, along with full sentences separated by commas. Normally I wouldn't be a stickler for grammar but the number of run-ons in the beginning of the piece had me re-reading the sentences to ensure I knew what was going on multiple times.
The structure of the piece itself also seemed rather scattered. The sci-fi aspect was addressed and seemingly buried in the first 2-3 paragraphs, and the mention of the Vermin drug (along with the conditioning brought on by it) are ignored later on when the child/protagonist complains to his caretaker. Simply rearranging the paragraphs and bridging them cleanly to produce a feeling of flow would address this problem, though.
In all I enjoyed the content and am admittedly interested in the development of this piece, but I would recommend stepping back to the editing stage and acquiring a proof-read or two from anyone willing to do so. After that, this piece would be more solid, and thus fulfill its potential.
EDIT: This review/critique only refers to Part 1.