Feb 10, Thursday
“That’s all, class dismissed. Take care on your way home,” the teacher says and leaves the class. Then students begin to exit the door.
I’m putting my stuff into the bag slowly. Not that I have any plans for the evening anyway.
“It finally ends… I’m tired,” I think, but end up saying it out. I sneak a glance to her as she goes with her friends. If only an act is more noticeable the more feelings it contains.
“Yo Aize! I see you’re gloomy as usual,” a voice I know says from my right. “Wanna hit on some girls to cheer yourself up?”
A whacking sound is heard. Ahaha, Sarah’s as quick as ever. “That’s not something you say when your girlfriend’s right next to you, Nash!”
I stand up, facing the couple. I shrug my shoulders and say, “You reap what you sow man.”
“Ouch…” Nash rubs his head in pain. No wonder though, Sarah used a thick encyclopedia just now. Nash holds her chin up and whispers, “I love you Sarah. But if you can be a bit softer…”
“Let’s see you flirt less with other girls first!” Sarah jabs Nash in the gut. His body falls on her. “Whaa… wait, Nash!” Sarah yells, it’s too sudden for her to support his weight. Just as she’s falling Nash wraps her neatly in his arms.
“Your flustered expression is cute too, Sarah,” Nash smirks. Ugh, how can he say it so smoothly…?
Damn, I can feel myself blushing. I better buzz off soon. “Okay, I’d rather not waste time so I’m going home. Bye guys.”
Nash looks at me. “Already? Come on, hang with us a bit more.”
His embrace is probably loosening. Sarah quickly uses the chance to stand up.
“Nah, I’m just disturbing you lovers anyway. See ya later Nash, Sarah.”
“Bye Aize. Take care…” Sarah waves to me, smiling. Dammit Nash, you sure are lucky.
***
“Finally,” I sigh, doing revision really drains me out. I go downstairs and make myself hot choc. Then I sit on the bed.
I look at the picture I put on my desk. I think I’m… smiling. A bittersweet feeling fills me up. My chest feels tight, and my eyes start to feel watery.
“I wonder what she’s doing…” I utter, a lot is put into those words. I wish she’s doing well. I hope she is as cheerful as her figure in this one picture I have.
It’s been a while since I started feeling like this, but I never got used to it. So I’ll say it again. I guess this is how being in love feels like.
Feb 11, Friday
Evening. I exit the supermarket carrying the things Mom asked me to buy. I walk briskly, wanting to finish the errand as soon as I can.
Suddenly a strange thought pops in me. Buying groceries is just an everyday thing. No, maybe that’s exactly why I’m happy. I’m thinking how nice it is if I can do this for her. That would mean we’re living together. How can I not smile at that? I love her!
Okay, I know it’s just me imagining things. But hey, one can at least wish right?
I walk past the junction and turn right. Then I suddenly stop. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m stopped. She’s just some meters ahead, walking into this direction. Ugh…
An abrupt conflict. My shy side wants to run away from this. I’m embarrassed. I don’t want her to see me like this. At the same time my yearning side demands me to stay. This is my chance to talk to her, to get the least bit closer to her. Who knows if I get to know how she feels about me? I can finally get my answer, and the first step towards it is to be courageous.
“Hi Izzie. The weather’s nice today,” I say. I hope I didn’t stutter. That’s about all I can force out, being this nervous.
“Oh, Aize,” she says as if she just noticed me. “That’s a lot you’re carrying there.”
“Um, yeah…” I nod. I’m a bit disappointed actually. I wish she’d smile at me, even if slightly…
“I gotta go,” she says. “See you later Aize.”
There she goes. I’m both smiling and crying. She seems so far away…
Feb 12, Saturday
9:00 a.m. I lie lifelessly on the bed. I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. But one thing is clear, Izzie’s occupying every single corner of my mind since yesterday.
Damn it. I envy Nash. I don’t really want to hit on girls like him, but I want a bit of his nonchalance. If I have that, then I’ll be able to talk to her much more smoothly. I wouldn’t feel nervous. We’ll be able to talk about a lot of things. And who knows, we might even be friends… or… no, stop it Aize. I’m in no position to consider that possibility yet.
I sigh. Then I smile. Looking on the bright side of it, I got to hear her voice. Not the usual eavesdropping, but a sentence she said to me!
The phone suddenly rings. Geez… I’m not in the mood for this…
“Yo,” I say as soon as I answer it.
“You’re cruel, Aize… your soul mate is coming to play with you, and you don’t even bother to invite me in…” Nash says with his usual playful tone. This guy really can make me feel better.
“I’m coming now,” I say, terminating the call. I go out of the house and see Nash standing in front of the gate.
“I’ll tell you again, use that bell,” I say as I open the gate.
“But then I can’t be sure that it’ll be you inviting me in…” Nash grins at me. Eww… I feel a chill from the way he says it.
“Why does it matter? I’ll be seeing you regardless.”
“Oh no Aize, you hurt my feelings. You know that it has to be you…” Nash drops down, looking really disappointed. As if I’d buy that.
“Okay whatever. Why are you here anyway?”
“Oh ho ho… this! I’ll have you bite the dust today!” Nash shows his table tennis bat to me. Hah!
“You shouldn’t speak too carelessly man,” I accept the challenge. “Or you might regret it later.”
***
The game ended a while ago and we’re resting now. Nash doesn’t look happy though. Haha, that’s what he gets for declaring victory way too early.
Suddenly his phone beeps, interrupting our talk. Nash takes it out. “That Sarah… she’s really possessive at times.”
“Haha, it’s because she loves you,” I laugh. Dammit Nash, you don’t know how much I wished for a girl to worry about me…
“I’m glad…” Nash lies on the floor. “But I guess I just gotta complain sometimes!”
This guy really makes me feel jealous. That grin. Ugh!
“Say, Nash…” I hesitate. This might not be a good idea, but I want to know.
“Hmm?” he looks at me, question mark written on his face.
“How does being loved feels like?”
“That again?” Nash sighs. Of course, I asked the same question many times before.
“Well, you know me…” I can’t think of anything else to say.
“You still love her? It’s been more than a year you know,” Nash says, sounding serious.
“Yeah. We haven’t talked much, but somehow I just…” I force a smile out. “I wish I have your courage… I’m so hitting on her.”
“Aize,” Nash taps my shoulder. “Why don’t you just… move on?”
Eh? Did I hear him wrong?
“What are you saying Nash? I haven’t even made any moves on her… I should move on from what?” I ask, confused. Greatly confused.
“It’s been so long, Aize. You didn’t make any direct moves, I know. But indirect ones, plenty. And she doesn’t like it,” Nash looks at me with a sad expression.
I feel a chill in me. My mind is showing me memories I refuse to see. I admit though, even a part of me agrees that it’s pretty much impossible for her not to notice my glances.
“N-no!” I deny both his words and my memories. I convince myself Izzie still knows nothing about this love. “We won’t know until I try!”
“I’m sorry Aize. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I’d definitely give the push you needed if I noticed it earlier…” Nash shakes his head. Stop it, Nash. What’s with that hopeless expression? I just take longer to muster my courage, that’s all!
“No… we still d-don’t know… how she feels…” I stutter. I’m scared. I’m starting to even see our meeting yesterday. Her voice and expression… they lacked cheerfulness…
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Nash says to me. I see him leaving.
Feb 13, Sunday
“………………………” I stare blankly at her picture. I hate to admit it, but Nash was right. My chances are nil. Izzie thinks I’m a creep. I know that. I guess any girl would hate some spineless guy who could only glance from a distance… fuck me and my shyness.
I love her. I know that this emotion is definitely real. Now that I realized it’s an impossible dream, what am I supposed to do with this emotion? Should I just forget it? Can I? I know how strongly it burns. Just her presence is enough to stir all sorts of emotions in me. So I’m to pretend those emotions never existed just because I can’t get her?
I start to cry. I regret everything now. Why couldn’t I make a move before it’s too late? Why must I realize all this now? Since I have no chance anyway, might as well I stay drunk in that illusion forever…
I notice the small calendar in front of me. Tomorrow’s Valentine huh… the world sure knows how to rub it on me. I lie on the bed, hoping I won’t be as tormented in my sleep.
***
I wake up, feeling so empty. It’s 23:45 now. Lazily I switch the lamp on, slowly the sadness is pooling back in me.
I walk to my desk, seeing more clearly as my eyes adjust themselves to the sudden ambience. I look at her picture again. I know doing this would only add to the pain, but somehow I can’t help it. I’m so helplessly in love with her. I want to see her, even if just in printed form.
Izzie really is beautiful. Her smile shines so brightly in this. I envy everyone that is capable of making her smile like this. I can’t imagine a greater bliss than having her smile at me. But a wish is just that…
I take a pen out. I guess I am hoping for the miracle of Lovers’ Day…
Dear Izzie,
Umm… how are you? I hope you’re doing well. I guess it’s kind of strange for me to write you this, but there’s something I want to tell you…
Do you remember our first week of high school? People were all making friends with each other. But there I was at the corner of the class, all alone. I hated myself for lacking the courage I needed to reach out to people.
Fortunately, you were there. I don’t think you remember it, but you were the one that saved me. When I was about to fall into despair, pretend as if I never needed any friends, you came and talked to me. I know I am making a big deal of it. You were just asking me to participate more in the class discussions after all. But to me, it was very meaningful. Thanks to that I was able to muster my courage and got myself two really close friends.
Also, thanks to you I finally understood how it’s like to love someone. I love you Izzie. I want to mean as much to you as you mean to me.
Yours sincerely,
Aize
I read the letter again and nod. I carefully put it into an envelope, feeling excited for the day to come.
Feb 14, Monday
“Achoo!” the sound of me sneezing strikes my ear. Daaaamn, it’s cold… what a brilliant idea to come to school at 6:30... But I guess this is better than having someone see what I’m about to do…
I cross the school gate. Ignoring the surprised guard, I walk straight to classes block. Heh, he probably doesn’t expect there’s a student that would come this early…
I notice the teachers’ room is already bright. Tch, I kinda want to be the first to come to school for once. Oh well, I have better things to do now. I enter my class. As expected, I’m the first one to come. It’s still dark here so I switch the lamps on.
And finally... I’m gonna do what I came so early for. Even though I know there’s no one here, I’m still trembling. I look around just to convince myself again there’s really no one watching. Then I put the letter I poured my heart on into Izzie’s desk.
***
School is boring… especially on this darned Single Awareness Day. This is the one day I desperately wish would fall on Sunday. Well, I’d be bugged about myself being single either way but at least I’ll be spared from the pain of having to watch others flirt around in school!
“Mmmggh…” I grumble as I laze on my desk. This is how I usually spend lunch break when I don’t feel like eating. Damn, those chocolates look delicious…
I look at Nash’s desk. He’s not here, probably went off somewhere with Sarah. We didn’t talk at all. Figures, after what happened before. At least he’s considerate enough not to make me watch him and Sarah go all lovey-dovey… oh well, I guess I’ll apologize later. It was partly my fault too.
Then I look at Izzie’s desk. She’s not here too… Well, she’s usually with her friends during lunch break. I wonder if she read it… and how would she react to it… I hope… yeah, I hope she smiles at it…
***
After school. Nash and Sarah went back some time ago. We still haven’t exchanged any words. I stay without doing anything. I guess I’m reluctant to go back just yet. I’m waiting for her…
I do some revision waiting for time to pass. Her bag’s still here, so Izzie hasn’t gone home yet. 15 minutes into the revision, I see her enter the class to take her bag. Seeing her here suddenly makes me nervous. I feel divided again, one part wanting to know her answer, the other wants to avoid facing the truth.
As I keep pretending to revise, I notice her looking at me for a short while. Then she gets ready to return home. “It hurts…” I hear my inner self crying. I can’t take it. I don’t want my feelings to be answered just by an indifferent gaze. Before I know it I find myself standing.
“Izzie…!” I call her name. She stops in front of the door and turns to me. Nothing is said, but I can tell from her eyes she’s asking what business I have with her.
Timidly I ask her, “Did you read it? My letter I mean…”
A simple answer, “I did.”
Her expression still doesn’t change. I can’t read the emotion in her voice either. Trembling, I ask, “Um… so?”
“So what?” she asks, again with the indifferent tone.
“I want to know your answer…” I push myself to say it, despite my fears.
“Aize…” she says, her voice is finally filled with some feelings. “You can’t even figure it out yourself?”
The question feels like a stab to my chest. Or maybe it’s her tone. “W-what do you mean, Izzie?”
I don’t know why, but Izzie grits her teeth. Trembling, she says with a deep voice, “I mean just stop this love thing already. It’s annoying.”
Eh? Wait… did I hear her wrong? Why did she say that?
“Ridiculous. How can anyone possibly love someone like you? You can’t even begin a conversation by yourself!”
No… I guess that’s true… but still… I don’t know why, but every part of me desperately denies that. Losing my composure, I cried out, “But my love for you is real! Please, I know we can make it work…”
She makes a disgusted expression. “I refuse. Just accept that it’s impossible, Aize.”
***
I can’t remember what happened afterwards. All I know is I’m on my bed, crying as hard as I can. It hurts. It hurts so much. Why can’t she accept me? There’s no one who loves her more than me!
…………………
…………………
The phone suddenly rings. I don’t know how many hours has it been. I don’t know why I decide to reach for the phone, but I take it anyway. I see… I’m well into Tuesday already… and Nash is calling me. I answer my friend.
“Aize, I guess I said too much back then… I’m sorry.”
“Nah, it’s cool Nash…” I say, he was completely right anyway. “Confidence and courage… sure are important huh?”
“What the…? Well, sure they are… why?” Nash asks, not getting why I said that.
I don’t feel like talking anymore, so I switch the phone off. Then I begin to reflect what I did earlier…
“So… Izzie rejected me,” I say as a matter of fact. I wonder how I can say it so calmly. Then it strikes me. I laugh a bit, tickled by my feelings.
Yeah, it ended horribly. Tomorrow onwards is gonna be crazy awkward. But still… it’s a fact that I finally took that step. I’m no longer the me who would run away from my own feelings. I guess I can be proud at that fact.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Kinda late for this but… Happy Valentine’s Day, Aize.
