[Valentines Contest Entry 2017] New Brave World: An Appendix
3
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
New Brave World: An Appendix (May Include Romance)
Before being cast into that epic struggle against the evil and twisted powers that ruled his world, our hero who calls himself Charlie was very much mundane and unobtrusive. He lived in parlous conditions, worked many low paying jobs while going overbudget by spending money on needless things like dogs and other high maintenance pets.
Understandably, he felt a little down, quite tired and a little suicidal. He needed companionship, entertainment and mental stability.
Could his best friend, James Push, the ever-unambitious small time drug dealer who pretended to be working in a warehouse, provide that? No, he was an awful companion who could only contribute Charlie’s worsening mental health. Charlie saw himself as proud heterosexual too so James wasn’t that entertaining when it comes to entertaining bedroom activities.
Could his dog and other pets provide that? No! As down on his luck as Charlie was, as a proud member of the human race, he wasn’t into bestiality! Woe be on the one who thinks animals can provide any sort of mental stability and proper companionship!
That was when he realised that no man is complete until he is with his other half and off he went to further compromise his mental well-being further by attempting to court women who tended to be educated and richer than him. Needless to say, that didn’t go well. A number of rejections have wounded Charlie’s already low self-esteem and that led him to commit that act that is so emblematic of someone in the depths of despair and desperation – employing the services of a whore.
Strangely enough, one of those whores who would become the love of his life and the wind beneath his wings that spurred him to do the heroic deeds that he would be known for.
Stranger still, before Charlie decided to get to the action so to speak, they struck an hour-long conversation where they learnt much of each other from each other. She shared similar frustrations as him, namely being poor, and in need of company and a psychiatrist. Charlie came to the conclusion that sleeping with whores is a good way to cope while she thought that whoring around is a good way to cope.
When he entered her, Charlie knew that they were made from each other and that he was on the verge of attaining self-actualisation. Yet, tragedy struck, as too often it happens in epics like these when cruel fate strikes right at the very moment when our heroes are at their happiest.
Shadowy figures begun descending onto the ramshackle hostel room where they were intimate in. Like a pest controller fogging a bog infested with mosquitoes, they gassed the rooms of that hostel after knocking out the owner of that sorry establishment. Charlie was so steeped in ecstasy, he didn’t really notice that he had difficulties breathing and thought the reason he blacked out was because of a cardiac arrest owing to an orgasm.
These shadowy figures were agents of that evil power Charlie would come to struggle against. The face behind that power was a former academic and street agitator, now ambitious politician called Gleandon. Rumours were rife about her biological sex no doubt reinforced by her outlandish and bizarre teachings on black and white, right and wrong and man and woman when she was an academic. She fancied herself as an agent of fundamental change, seeking to implement what she taught on the world. And so, Charlie and his self-proclaimed lover were the amongst first victims of that push for fundamental change where they were deemed too poor and too mentally unstable that they had to be put down.
Being put down didn’t mean that they were put to sleep or killed. Their bodies would be used to realise Gleandon’s vision for the world. It was to be a sexless utopia where traditional gender roles would be switched, eliminated or changed beyond all recognition. Sexual desire would of course be suppressed and elaborate arrangements would be in place to make everyone accept that as the right order of things.
Centrepiece of this plan for fundamental change was these chambers where people were kept in stasis so that they could serve as a source of semen and provide wombs on demand to replace sexual reproduction altogether. This was where Charlie and his alleged lover were destined, the most tragic way to end a romance as soon it begun.
As Charlie remained in stasis, the foundations for Gleandon’s dystopia took form. She realised that no one in his or her right mind would follow through her plan unless they were on drugs so she decided to put everyone drugs and invested heavily in pharmaceuticals. That was when James Push, one of Charlie’s more closer friends came into the grand scheme of things. Upset and unhinged from Charlie’s disappearance, he begun making a name for himself earning a lot of money from illicit activities mainly centred on selling drugs illegal or otherwise. Gleandon, by offering political support in exchange for his services, made James Push one of the architects of an opiate that was used to curb sexual desire and strong emotions known as the James Push pill. With the help of government agencies that purportedly ensure food safety, this pill would become a daily staple mixed in with food that is consumed by everyone just like how the water that reaches the tap is chlorinated.
With the population drugged, Gleandon moved on to turn educational institutions from nurseries to institutions of higher learning into centres propagating her worldview. Dissent became dulled by drugs and drowned out by an orthodoxy these places of learning reinforced. Still, common sense and biology were very hard to suppress. To that, Gleandon responded by sending those people to stasis chambers not unlike what Charlie was sent to.
With little to no resistance left, Gleandon finally saw fit to transform society for good and indeed entrench her grip on power by tinkering with its most basic unit – the family. It seemed the best way to go about doing it is to simply forbid any matrimonial union between man and woman. Coupled with the human producing stasis chambers, population control was now under Gleandon’s control. If there were too many people, the chambers would produce less babies and vice versa. Control over the population was also under Gleandon’s control as most of the babies produced would be herded into state-run nurseries where they were indoctrinated. It didn’t help that very few married couples, now mostly in homosexual union, wanted to adopt children.
With reproduction, education, consumption, law enforcement and everything from womb to the grave finally under her control, she proclaimed herself victorious in her “physical struggle” against her enemies and she wished to turn to a “spiritual struggle” against God knows who. This coincided with the most sinister development of that fundamental transformation Gleandon so aspired to bring about. There were whispers, strangely tolerated, of how she dabbled in the occult and how she started to possess supernatural powers from shooting projectiles to summoning zombies.
To say that Charlie’s world turned from bad to worse was a very severe understatement. It was one thing to be poor in a rough world but quite another to have a madwoman to turn that world into a bizarre and sexless hell.
However, as if by divine intervention, as if the Hands of Fate ordained upon Charlie to right the wrongs Gleandon had inflicted on that sorry world, he was roused from his long slumber by a rather incompetent denizen of Gleandon’s dystopia who labelled himself by the incomprehensible name of 2674r1no5l who was easily manipulated into telling Charlie what had happened whilst to his world while he was in the stasis chamber.
Any man who learnt on what had come to pass on the world he once knew would be driven to delirium. The thought of returning to that long slumber in the chamber crossed Charlie’s mind until he saw that his self-proclaimed lover too was in that chamber. Like a dying flame rekindled, Charlie was gripped by a powerful determination to be with his lover, not in a sexless and sterilised world but in a raunchy and filthy one. It was no use freeing her from her imprisonment only to eke a living as deviants in a world that they considered deviant. That would only serve to endanger her. There can only be one solution, Charlie thought to himself. He needed to overthrow that new order.
What was it that is in love and passion that fuels men to move mountains? Charlie was certainly burning with these two strong emotions that only grew stronger when his thoughts and eyes turned to that stasis chamber containing the whore whom he fell in love with. He begun to think like a general which was impressive considering that he started out as a hoodlum living on the streets.
Overthrowing sitting governments is a herculean task. Moreover, if the existing order and way of life sits well with the population, how willing would they be to see it overthrown? If Gleandon came down hard on him, all would be for naught and he would never reunite with his self-proclaimed lover. Best start out small and keep a low profile while gathering sympathisers to Charlie’s cause and the resources he needed to launch that revolution.
Most of his sympathisers would come from people who were themselves imprisoned in these stasis chambers and were very likely against the new order imposed by Gleandon. As for food, Charlie first relied on the feeding tubes to the chambers then attempted to grow their own food or source for sustenance that were untainted by the brainwashing James Push pills. If anyone of those freed from the stasis chambers felt down or depressed, Charlie would show them to the stasis chambers containing either the bodies of their loved ones or some voluptuous woman that would light the fires in their heart as well as in their loins. It can be said that it is love that motivates them.
After hoarding up food, making makeshift weapons stored in makeshift caches, the next stage of the revolution would involve subverting the brainwashed population. Gleandon managed to do so by drugging the entire population and indoctrinating them since young so the reasonable counter would be to put them off drugs and infiltrate some of the institutions of learning.
All of that seemed to be a very tall order but strangely enough within less than two months, a lot of the facilities that housed stasis chambers and institutions of learning were under their control. Despite all of the narcotics, potions, black magic and what not used to control the minds of the populace, depriving people of families and indeed sex goes against human nature, especially the parts of it that wants to procreate and nurture their young.
Surely enough, there was some resistance. They sent inspectors to come down but the revolutionaries converted them to their cause. They threatened then cut off funding but the revolutionaries already are well stocked. Then, they finally sent in the army. This was a turning point of sorts for Charlie realised that Gleandon’s foot soldiers weren’t armed, mainly due to Gleandon’s distrust towards having armed forces armed! The foot soldiers themselves believed arms to be inherently evil too! Instead of shooting, they yelled slogans and threw all manners of projectiles but that only served to harass and not impede the advance of Charlie’s bullets into their skulls and of the revolution.
It was at that point when the rebellion realised that they can potentially sweep through the country and they had to do so quickly. Ineffectual as Gleandon’s forces might be, she still can counterattack should they decide to take their time. With the desire to free his lover from her imprisonment in his heart and indeed his loins and the masses rediscovering their innate desire to bonk, a country-wide uprising was achieved. Many refused to answer the calls to resist Charlie’s advances while those who did didn’t put much of a fight.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that it wasn’t long before they eventually reached the seat of power and the heart of Gleandon’s dystopia. As one might expect, it was there when the resistance was the fiercest. The guards were like zombies and walking corpses and their cries were as boring and monotonous as ever; it was there where Charlie’s forces realised that Gleandon was into black magic and necromancy; they had to fight put up with grotesque and mutilated reanimated corpses and skeletons as well as the creepy scrawls and talismans that adorned the already ugly palace that served as Gleandon’s seat of power.
That was not the most unsettling thing however. The source of Gleandon’s ability to animate corpses comes from devilish rituals where animal and human sacrifices whose blood and gore and death throes are offered up. Did the nurseries or the stasis chambers provided the human sacrifices? The rebels storming the building didn’t know but they were all the more determined to put an end to Gleandon’s grip on the world and indeed overthrow the order she imposed on it.
That uprising taught future scholars many things from the lengths a man would go for a woman trapped in a stasis chamber to the realisation that suppressing human nature does not make for societies that are self-sustaining. It also taught scholars that elaborate Satanic rituals are not very effective when then opponent is using projectile weapons as evidenced from Gleandon being brought down by a bullet as were her close associates like Charlie’s former friend, James Push.
These future scholars might also come up with encomia boring their future pupils on what Charlie’s revolt meant for humanity. As for Charlie, as has been said time and time again, it was a fruition of his efforts invested in that massive act of love for a prostitute by liberating the masses from that sexless dystopia. A liberated world where they could be allowed to be alone to experience sensual pleasures appeared to be in store for them.
Yet, tragedy befell again. As his tan-skinned and self-proclaimed lover embraced him in bodily union, tears brimming in her eyes for being freed, Charlie managed to take a very good look at her naked body and discovered that she is a he, a Bacha Bazi.
Quite understandably, Charlie decided that the world was saved but not for him. So, he is now looking over and protecting us in a stasis chamber. Be thankful.
Here is the tale of that hero who came from long ago
Of whom fate has thrusted him to overthrow
The transsexual druglord sovereigns who imprisoned him so
In a stasis chamber after he banged a hoe
Where did he muster the courage to go
And vanquish his sexually confused and drug addled foes?
The answer lies in what his heart knows
Of the strong passion he felt towards that banged hoe.
Of whom fate has thrusted him to overthrow
The transsexual druglord sovereigns who imprisoned him so
In a stasis chamber after he banged a hoe
Where did he muster the courage to go
And vanquish his sexually confused and drug addled foes?
The answer lies in what his heart knows
Of the strong passion he felt towards that banged hoe.
Before being cast into that epic struggle against the evil and twisted powers that ruled his world, our hero who calls himself Charlie was very much mundane and unobtrusive. He lived in parlous conditions, worked many low paying jobs while going overbudget by spending money on needless things like dogs and other high maintenance pets.
Understandably, he felt a little down, quite tired and a little suicidal. He needed companionship, entertainment and mental stability.
Could his best friend, James Push, the ever-unambitious small time drug dealer who pretended to be working in a warehouse, provide that? No, he was an awful companion who could only contribute Charlie’s worsening mental health. Charlie saw himself as proud heterosexual too so James wasn’t that entertaining when it comes to entertaining bedroom activities.
Could his dog and other pets provide that? No! As down on his luck as Charlie was, as a proud member of the human race, he wasn’t into bestiality! Woe be on the one who thinks animals can provide any sort of mental stability and proper companionship!
That was when he realised that no man is complete until he is with his other half and off he went to further compromise his mental well-being further by attempting to court women who tended to be educated and richer than him. Needless to say, that didn’t go well. A number of rejections have wounded Charlie’s already low self-esteem and that led him to commit that act that is so emblematic of someone in the depths of despair and desperation – employing the services of a whore.
Strangely enough, one of those whores who would become the love of his life and the wind beneath his wings that spurred him to do the heroic deeds that he would be known for.
Stranger still, before Charlie decided to get to the action so to speak, they struck an hour-long conversation where they learnt much of each other from each other. She shared similar frustrations as him, namely being poor, and in need of company and a psychiatrist. Charlie came to the conclusion that sleeping with whores is a good way to cope while she thought that whoring around is a good way to cope.
When he entered her, Charlie knew that they were made from each other and that he was on the verge of attaining self-actualisation. Yet, tragedy struck, as too often it happens in epics like these when cruel fate strikes right at the very moment when our heroes are at their happiest.
Shadowy figures begun descending onto the ramshackle hostel room where they were intimate in. Like a pest controller fogging a bog infested with mosquitoes, they gassed the rooms of that hostel after knocking out the owner of that sorry establishment. Charlie was so steeped in ecstasy, he didn’t really notice that he had difficulties breathing and thought the reason he blacked out was because of a cardiac arrest owing to an orgasm.
These shadowy figures were agents of that evil power Charlie would come to struggle against. The face behind that power was a former academic and street agitator, now ambitious politician called Gleandon. Rumours were rife about her biological sex no doubt reinforced by her outlandish and bizarre teachings on black and white, right and wrong and man and woman when she was an academic. She fancied herself as an agent of fundamental change, seeking to implement what she taught on the world. And so, Charlie and his self-proclaimed lover were the amongst first victims of that push for fundamental change where they were deemed too poor and too mentally unstable that they had to be put down.
Being put down didn’t mean that they were put to sleep or killed. Their bodies would be used to realise Gleandon’s vision for the world. It was to be a sexless utopia where traditional gender roles would be switched, eliminated or changed beyond all recognition. Sexual desire would of course be suppressed and elaborate arrangements would be in place to make everyone accept that as the right order of things.
Centrepiece of this plan for fundamental change was these chambers where people were kept in stasis so that they could serve as a source of semen and provide wombs on demand to replace sexual reproduction altogether. This was where Charlie and his alleged lover were destined, the most tragic way to end a romance as soon it begun.
As Charlie remained in stasis, the foundations for Gleandon’s dystopia took form. She realised that no one in his or her right mind would follow through her plan unless they were on drugs so she decided to put everyone drugs and invested heavily in pharmaceuticals. That was when James Push, one of Charlie’s more closer friends came into the grand scheme of things. Upset and unhinged from Charlie’s disappearance, he begun making a name for himself earning a lot of money from illicit activities mainly centred on selling drugs illegal or otherwise. Gleandon, by offering political support in exchange for his services, made James Push one of the architects of an opiate that was used to curb sexual desire and strong emotions known as the James Push pill. With the help of government agencies that purportedly ensure food safety, this pill would become a daily staple mixed in with food that is consumed by everyone just like how the water that reaches the tap is chlorinated.
With the population drugged, Gleandon moved on to turn educational institutions from nurseries to institutions of higher learning into centres propagating her worldview. Dissent became dulled by drugs and drowned out by an orthodoxy these places of learning reinforced. Still, common sense and biology were very hard to suppress. To that, Gleandon responded by sending those people to stasis chambers not unlike what Charlie was sent to.
With little to no resistance left, Gleandon finally saw fit to transform society for good and indeed entrench her grip on power by tinkering with its most basic unit – the family. It seemed the best way to go about doing it is to simply forbid any matrimonial union between man and woman. Coupled with the human producing stasis chambers, population control was now under Gleandon’s control. If there were too many people, the chambers would produce less babies and vice versa. Control over the population was also under Gleandon’s control as most of the babies produced would be herded into state-run nurseries where they were indoctrinated. It didn’t help that very few married couples, now mostly in homosexual union, wanted to adopt children.
With reproduction, education, consumption, law enforcement and everything from womb to the grave finally under her control, she proclaimed herself victorious in her “physical struggle” against her enemies and she wished to turn to a “spiritual struggle” against God knows who. This coincided with the most sinister development of that fundamental transformation Gleandon so aspired to bring about. There were whispers, strangely tolerated, of how she dabbled in the occult and how she started to possess supernatural powers from shooting projectiles to summoning zombies.
To say that Charlie’s world turned from bad to worse was a very severe understatement. It was one thing to be poor in a rough world but quite another to have a madwoman to turn that world into a bizarre and sexless hell.
However, as if by divine intervention, as if the Hands of Fate ordained upon Charlie to right the wrongs Gleandon had inflicted on that sorry world, he was roused from his long slumber by a rather incompetent denizen of Gleandon’s dystopia who labelled himself by the incomprehensible name of 2674r1no5l who was easily manipulated into telling Charlie what had happened whilst to his world while he was in the stasis chamber.
Any man who learnt on what had come to pass on the world he once knew would be driven to delirium. The thought of returning to that long slumber in the chamber crossed Charlie’s mind until he saw that his self-proclaimed lover too was in that chamber. Like a dying flame rekindled, Charlie was gripped by a powerful determination to be with his lover, not in a sexless and sterilised world but in a raunchy and filthy one. It was no use freeing her from her imprisonment only to eke a living as deviants in a world that they considered deviant. That would only serve to endanger her. There can only be one solution, Charlie thought to himself. He needed to overthrow that new order.
What was it that is in love and passion that fuels men to move mountains? Charlie was certainly burning with these two strong emotions that only grew stronger when his thoughts and eyes turned to that stasis chamber containing the whore whom he fell in love with. He begun to think like a general which was impressive considering that he started out as a hoodlum living on the streets.
Overthrowing sitting governments is a herculean task. Moreover, if the existing order and way of life sits well with the population, how willing would they be to see it overthrown? If Gleandon came down hard on him, all would be for naught and he would never reunite with his self-proclaimed lover. Best start out small and keep a low profile while gathering sympathisers to Charlie’s cause and the resources he needed to launch that revolution.
Most of his sympathisers would come from people who were themselves imprisoned in these stasis chambers and were very likely against the new order imposed by Gleandon. As for food, Charlie first relied on the feeding tubes to the chambers then attempted to grow their own food or source for sustenance that were untainted by the brainwashing James Push pills. If anyone of those freed from the stasis chambers felt down or depressed, Charlie would show them to the stasis chambers containing either the bodies of their loved ones or some voluptuous woman that would light the fires in their heart as well as in their loins. It can be said that it is love that motivates them.
After hoarding up food, making makeshift weapons stored in makeshift caches, the next stage of the revolution would involve subverting the brainwashed population. Gleandon managed to do so by drugging the entire population and indoctrinating them since young so the reasonable counter would be to put them off drugs and infiltrate some of the institutions of learning.
All of that seemed to be a very tall order but strangely enough within less than two months, a lot of the facilities that housed stasis chambers and institutions of learning were under their control. Despite all of the narcotics, potions, black magic and what not used to control the minds of the populace, depriving people of families and indeed sex goes against human nature, especially the parts of it that wants to procreate and nurture their young.
Surely enough, there was some resistance. They sent inspectors to come down but the revolutionaries converted them to their cause. They threatened then cut off funding but the revolutionaries already are well stocked. Then, they finally sent in the army. This was a turning point of sorts for Charlie realised that Gleandon’s foot soldiers weren’t armed, mainly due to Gleandon’s distrust towards having armed forces armed! The foot soldiers themselves believed arms to be inherently evil too! Instead of shooting, they yelled slogans and threw all manners of projectiles but that only served to harass and not impede the advance of Charlie’s bullets into their skulls and of the revolution.
It was at that point when the rebellion realised that they can potentially sweep through the country and they had to do so quickly. Ineffectual as Gleandon’s forces might be, she still can counterattack should they decide to take their time. With the desire to free his lover from her imprisonment in his heart and indeed his loins and the masses rediscovering their innate desire to bonk, a country-wide uprising was achieved. Many refused to answer the calls to resist Charlie’s advances while those who did didn’t put much of a fight.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that it wasn’t long before they eventually reached the seat of power and the heart of Gleandon’s dystopia. As one might expect, it was there when the resistance was the fiercest. The guards were like zombies and walking corpses and their cries were as boring and monotonous as ever; it was there where Charlie’s forces realised that Gleandon was into black magic and necromancy; they had to fight put up with grotesque and mutilated reanimated corpses and skeletons as well as the creepy scrawls and talismans that adorned the already ugly palace that served as Gleandon’s seat of power.
That was not the most unsettling thing however. The source of Gleandon’s ability to animate corpses comes from devilish rituals where animal and human sacrifices whose blood and gore and death throes are offered up. Did the nurseries or the stasis chambers provided the human sacrifices? The rebels storming the building didn’t know but they were all the more determined to put an end to Gleandon’s grip on the world and indeed overthrow the order she imposed on it.
That uprising taught future scholars many things from the lengths a man would go for a woman trapped in a stasis chamber to the realisation that suppressing human nature does not make for societies that are self-sustaining. It also taught scholars that elaborate Satanic rituals are not very effective when then opponent is using projectile weapons as evidenced from Gleandon being brought down by a bullet as were her close associates like Charlie’s former friend, James Push.
These future scholars might also come up with encomia boring their future pupils on what Charlie’s revolt meant for humanity. As for Charlie, as has been said time and time again, it was a fruition of his efforts invested in that massive act of love for a prostitute by liberating the masses from that sexless dystopia. A liberated world where they could be allowed to be alone to experience sensual pleasures appeared to be in store for them.
Yet, tragedy befell again. As his tan-skinned and self-proclaimed lover embraced him in bodily union, tears brimming in her eyes for being freed, Charlie managed to take a very good look at her naked body and discovered that she is a he, a Bacha Bazi.
Quite understandably, Charlie decided that the world was saved but not for him. So, he is now looking over and protecting us in a stasis chamber. Be thankful.
2
enjoyed the writing. seems like it flows so naturally. this is probably one of the happiest story you ever wrote, and i felt like the concept was rather fresh to me. when i wrote, more often than not, my ideas were quite far from being original--kinda hard to bring something new to the table. so yeah, kudos to that.
the ending was also funny enough, it's just like a punchline. maybe someone would forcibly wake him up again through accident or for worse, he'd be subjected as a facility for anal enjoyment of some individuals.
the ending was also funny enough, it's just like a punchline. maybe someone would forcibly wake him up again through accident or for worse, he'd be subjected as a facility for anal enjoyment of some individuals.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
high_time wrote...
enjoyed the writing. seems like it flows so naturally. this is probably one of the happiest story you ever wrote, and i felt like the concept was rather fresh to me. when i wrote, more often than not, my ideas were quite far from being original--kinda hard to bring something new to the table. so yeah, kudos to that.the ending was also funny enough, it's just like a punchline. maybe someone would forcibly wake him up again through accident or for worse, he'd be subjected as a facility for anal enjoyment of some individuals.
The ending was bad though wasn't it?! Charlie ended up going back to the stasis chamber after that awful revelation!
1
leonard267 wrote...
high_time wrote...
enjoyed the writing. seems like it flows so naturally. this is probably one of the happiest story you ever wrote, and i felt like the concept was rather fresh to me. when i wrote, more often than not, my ideas were quite far from being original--kinda hard to bring something new to the table. so yeah, kudos to that.the ending was also funny enough, it's just like a punchline. maybe someone would forcibly wake him up again through accident or for worse, he'd be subjected as a facility for anal enjoyment of some individuals.
The ending was bad though wasn't it?! Charlie ended up going back to the stasis chamber after that awful revelation!
at least he doesn't have to work every single day in a damn warehouse!
that can be happy in meaning, during his stay in stasis chamber he would dream of courting countless different women (or at least look like one) and actually have some bit of success (buttsmex).
2
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Yanker wrote...
I quite liked this entry compared to your other ones. Well done!It was better than the last entry because it is shorter and more succinct. Hope you enjoyed the change in point of view and learning what really happened to our hero!
2
Well. That was quite a ride. You definitely have a very strong, and well articulated writing style. It was very enjoyable, and it's very clear that you mainly focused on world building rather than romance. That's definitely not a bad thing, as you did encompass elements of romance into your tale.
You had a very odd tone, and it felt a bit like it was jumping between different genres. It started like a JRPG, then turned into an Edgar Rice Burrows novel, then a hentai, back to Edgar Rice Burrows, They Live (Based on a short story called Eight 'O Clock in the Morning), and throw in some Warhammer/D&D just to make things a little spicy.
And you pulled it off very well. My favorite sections were the ones that felt more adventurous (Like an Edgar Rice Burrows Novel). Charlie was a great everyman that literally anyone could relate to, but was still quirky enough to be funny. You should write a story about him on an island of dinosaurs sometime.
And then you wrote the best line ever:
Frank Miller approves. ( Í¡° ͜ʖ Í¡°)
Regardless, it's a great piece! Thanks for asking me to look at it!
You had a very odd tone, and it felt a bit like it was jumping between different genres. It started like a JRPG, then turned into an Edgar Rice Burrows novel, then a hentai, back to Edgar Rice Burrows, They Live (Based on a short story called Eight 'O Clock in the Morning), and throw in some Warhammer/D&D just to make things a little spicy.
And you pulled it off very well. My favorite sections were the ones that felt more adventurous (Like an Edgar Rice Burrows Novel). Charlie was a great everyman that literally anyone could relate to, but was still quirky enough to be funny. You should write a story about him on an island of dinosaurs sometime.
And then you wrote the best line ever:
If anyone of those freed from the stasis chambers felt down or depressed, Charlie would show them to the stasis chambers containing either the bodies of their loved ones or some voluptuous woman that would light the fires in their heart as well as in their loins.
Frank Miller approves. ( Í¡° ͜ʖ Í¡°)
Regardless, it's a great piece! Thanks for asking me to look at it!
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
The Darkness that Dozes i wrote...
You had a very odd tone, and it felt a bit like it was jumping between different genres. It started like a JRPG, then turned into an Edgar Rice Burrows novel, then a hentai, back to Edgar Rice Burrows, They Live (Based on a short story called Eight 'O Clock in the Morning), and throw in some Warhammer/D&D just to make things a little spicy.
That is a very interesting comment! Is it possible for you to tell me the paragraphs that felt like the stories and authors you listed?
And you pulled it off very well. My favorite sections were the ones that felt more adventurous (Like an Edgar Rice Burrows Novel). Charlie was a great everyman that literally anyone could relate to, but was still quirky enough to be funny. You should write a story about him on an island of dinosaurs sometime.
I drew inspiration from real people and events. You might want to try guessing what and who inspired the plot and characters of this story. I have written a longer version twice as long as this entry told in a different point of view too. You can try searching for it.
1
This story was pretty boring and hard for me to get through to be honest. I guess it's due to a combination of it being your usual writing style that I still don't really like and the fact that it's mostly a retelling of the story you entered into the winter contest.
There are no parts in particular that stand out to me, for better or worse. There wasn't anything I really enjoyed but nothing I really hated either.
There are no parts in particular that stand out to me, for better or worse. There wasn't anything I really enjoyed but nothing I really hated either.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
This story was pretty boring and hard for me to get through to be honest. I guess it's due to a combination of it being your usual writing style that I still don't really like and the fact that it's mostly a retelling of the story you entered into the winter contest.There are no parts in particular that stand out to me, for better or worse. There wasn't anything I really enjoyed but nothing I really hated either.
Not to worry. I feel the same for what you write most of the time too. I have changed the point of view and revealed what really happened in the end and why they managed to overthrow that bizarre and totalitarian regime that easily.
Wonder if you managed to pick that out. You missed out a few points when you tried reading the original entry. Again, don't feel bad if you didn't. I also have difficulty understanding your entries.