Wanna fight?
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My first plot idea was a bit too much for a "little" story so i decided to pick an easier one first. dont expect too much cuz this is my first text of that kind.
Chapter 1
Wanna Fight?
Hi, my name is Kiichigo Saiko and my life wasn't something you could call ordinary. Not after meeting Ringo Deguchi in my first year at high school. We aren't in the same class but we both signed up for the karate club. The people there said that we were so talented, but I guess fighting Ringo everyday in the club was just the best training I could get. At the end of the first semester the karate club already started to get boring. Nobody of the other students wanted to fight against us and Tougijou-sengei had no more moves to teach us. So club activity was an all day sparring against Ringo. The other students and even Tougijou-sensei watched us most of the time and even started betting. One day Sensei called them us in the middle of our fight
"I am very proud of you two. It only took you half a year to surpass my level of skill. I can’t be your sensei no more. I have nothing more to teach you." Tears were filling his eyes "Please go and get even stronger than you already are. I am looking forward to the day when you two come back. That day I will be your student."
Tougijou bowed deeply. In that moment all other students of the club bowed as well. I was too embraced to react. Ringo grasped the nettle of the situation and said
"Thanks guys and make sure to be stronger next time or you'll get a hell of a beating" turned around, grabbed my arm and started dragging me out. At the door I turned around and said
"Goodbye and thank you very much".
Ringo already waited outside the building as I came out.
"Jeez what took you so long? What kind of guy are you to be slower with undressing and showering than a girl?"
"Sorry, Ringo-san I searched my wallet."
"Kii-kun drop that -san already or do you pretend us to be strangers?" "What’s wrong? Calling someone’s first name is already casual, you know."
"I know but I hate all that formal -san crap."
I followed Ringo silently as she turned around quickly and went of. Ringo's parents are Japanese but she grew up in Europe. Therefore her talk is quite casual, a little too casual. I don't really like that. She is half a head taller than me. I don't really like that too. And she tends to be very noisy. I really hate that. But still I am following her without knowing were she is heading to. I guess I have nothing better to do. I was just in toughts as Ringo suddenly stopped.
"Look" she said "this will be our new club." I looked up the entrance. WRESTLING CLUB - COME IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS.
"Do you want to join?"
"Sure. Why do you think I've dragged you here? We still have one open fight to settle. We are at the moment at 65 wins for me 66 for you and 98 draws."
I sighted. "I guess I have no choice."
Ringo raised her fists and said "C'mon and let me kick you ass in wrestling."
"Ok, ok I am coming. Maybe you'll shut up when I send you are flat on the ground.”
After coming home I was so tired that I fell into my bed instantly. Why am I doing this? She is kinda annoying but I'm still sticking with her. Am I really doing this because I have nothing better to do? At least she is not a drama queen or bitch like most of the girls in school. I guess she is not that unpleasant.
A few months later:
“Kii-kun c’mon or are you scared?”
“Yes. I am wetting my pants.” I answered sarcastically as I climbed in the ring. It’s the last round for today. DONG. The round started. After a few hits I grabbed her arm and tried a throw. But Ringo made a step to the side and used my force against me to arrange a nice counter throw. For a moment I felt like flying until I hit the ground hard. It only took her a blink of an eye to arrange an arm lever. Probably smiling she sat on my back with my arm in her hand when she said
“I’ve gotcha.”
“Yes and now let me go”
“I don’t feel like letting you go already. What about going to the cinema today?”
I smiled a little “Is this your way to call me out?”
She pulled my arm up further. “Shut up and say yes already. Wouldn’t it be a pity if I broke your arm?”
“Yes, yes, alright. I accompany you the cinema. I am quite attached to my limbs.”
The teacher started counting me out “1...2...3...4……”
We were late for the cinema so we had to hurry. So we took the shortcut threw the park as we heard a girl screaming. I ran towards that direction with Ringo close behind me.
“Hey Miss why don’t you come with us?” Two big guys were standing next to a kneeing girl covering her face with her hands.
“Leave me alone”
“I am sure it will be fun.” I tapped the bigger ones shoulder
“Hey, leave that girl alone.”
“Who are y….”
The moment he turned around I placed my fist right into his ugly face.
“Bastard” The other guy charged blind in rage towards my direction. Meanwhile Ringo shifted her weight to her left leg and kicked the guy straight in the stomach. Both guys slumped down in agony.
“Are you ok?” I helped the girl up.
“Yes thanks to you two.” As she lifted her head I saw how beautiful she was. No wonder these guys were after her.
“Do you know them?”
“No but they have been following me all day. They may come again.”
Ringo took out her mobile phone “I’ll call the police to take care of these guys.” Ringo turned around and called the police. The girl asked me
“Is she your girlfriend?”
A little embraced I answered “No not really”
“That’s good. May I buy you a drink or something to show my gratitude?”
“Fine by me.” We were just small talking as Ringo came back.
“Everything Ok with you?” The girl answered with an evil grin
“Yes. I just asked him out for a drink. Since you are not his girlfriend this shouldn’t be a problem for you right?”
Ringo walked over, said with low voice “Not his girlfriend you say” and grabbed my arm very roughly. She pulled me a step away from the girl, closed her eyes and kissed me gently. The situation hit me harder than one of her best kicks. I don’t know which one of us three was the most confused about this kiss. I had a lot of different feelings in that moment. I felt sorry for that girl, and was a little angry at Ringo to do this so sudden. But I felt happy as well so I closed my eyes too and warped my arms around Ringo's waist. I don’t know how long this moment lasted but it felt like the time stood still for us. As I opened my eyes again that girl disappeared without even telling us her name. Ringo opened her eyes as well and wanted to say something but I put my finger on her soft lips and shook my head. I didn’t want her to destroy this moment so I held her tight until the police came. We told them what happened and that the victim already left. The policemen asked a few more questions and took the two guys with them. It was already too late to go to the cinema. So we sat down in the grass leaning against a tree. We sat there until the sun went down without saying anything. We just held hands and watched each other all the time.
When we sat there the whole world seemed so easy, but this feeling won't last long.
Chapter 1
Wanna Fight?
Hi, my name is Kiichigo Saiko and my life wasn't something you could call ordinary. Not after meeting Ringo Deguchi in my first year at high school. We aren't in the same class but we both signed up for the karate club. The people there said that we were so talented, but I guess fighting Ringo everyday in the club was just the best training I could get. At the end of the first semester the karate club already started to get boring. Nobody of the other students wanted to fight against us and Tougijou-sengei had no more moves to teach us. So club activity was an all day sparring against Ringo. The other students and even Tougijou-sensei watched us most of the time and even started betting. One day Sensei called them us in the middle of our fight
"I am very proud of you two. It only took you half a year to surpass my level of skill. I can’t be your sensei no more. I have nothing more to teach you." Tears were filling his eyes "Please go and get even stronger than you already are. I am looking forward to the day when you two come back. That day I will be your student."
Tougijou bowed deeply. In that moment all other students of the club bowed as well. I was too embraced to react. Ringo grasped the nettle of the situation and said
"Thanks guys and make sure to be stronger next time or you'll get a hell of a beating" turned around, grabbed my arm and started dragging me out. At the door I turned around and said
"Goodbye and thank you very much".
Ringo already waited outside the building as I came out.
"Jeez what took you so long? What kind of guy are you to be slower with undressing and showering than a girl?"
"Sorry, Ringo-san I searched my wallet."
"Kii-kun drop that -san already or do you pretend us to be strangers?" "What’s wrong? Calling someone’s first name is already casual, you know."
"I know but I hate all that formal -san crap."
I followed Ringo silently as she turned around quickly and went of. Ringo's parents are Japanese but she grew up in Europe. Therefore her talk is quite casual, a little too casual. I don't really like that. She is half a head taller than me. I don't really like that too. And she tends to be very noisy. I really hate that. But still I am following her without knowing were she is heading to. I guess I have nothing better to do. I was just in toughts as Ringo suddenly stopped.
"Look" she said "this will be our new club." I looked up the entrance. WRESTLING CLUB - COME IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS.
"Do you want to join?"
"Sure. Why do you think I've dragged you here? We still have one open fight to settle. We are at the moment at 65 wins for me 66 for you and 98 draws."
I sighted. "I guess I have no choice."
Ringo raised her fists and said "C'mon and let me kick you ass in wrestling."
"Ok, ok I am coming. Maybe you'll shut up when I send you are flat on the ground.”
After coming home I was so tired that I fell into my bed instantly. Why am I doing this? She is kinda annoying but I'm still sticking with her. Am I really doing this because I have nothing better to do? At least she is not a drama queen or bitch like most of the girls in school. I guess she is not that unpleasant.
A few months later:
“Kii-kun c’mon or are you scared?”
“Yes. I am wetting my pants.” I answered sarcastically as I climbed in the ring. It’s the last round for today. DONG. The round started. After a few hits I grabbed her arm and tried a throw. But Ringo made a step to the side and used my force against me to arrange a nice counter throw. For a moment I felt like flying until I hit the ground hard. It only took her a blink of an eye to arrange an arm lever. Probably smiling she sat on my back with my arm in her hand when she said
“I’ve gotcha.”
“Yes and now let me go”
“I don’t feel like letting you go already. What about going to the cinema today?”
I smiled a little “Is this your way to call me out?”
She pulled my arm up further. “Shut up and say yes already. Wouldn’t it be a pity if I broke your arm?”
“Yes, yes, alright. I accompany you the cinema. I am quite attached to my limbs.”
The teacher started counting me out “1...2...3...4……”
We were late for the cinema so we had to hurry. So we took the shortcut threw the park as we heard a girl screaming. I ran towards that direction with Ringo close behind me.
“Hey Miss why don’t you come with us?” Two big guys were standing next to a kneeing girl covering her face with her hands.
“Leave me alone”
“I am sure it will be fun.” I tapped the bigger ones shoulder
“Hey, leave that girl alone.”
“Who are y….”
The moment he turned around I placed my fist right into his ugly face.
“Bastard” The other guy charged blind in rage towards my direction. Meanwhile Ringo shifted her weight to her left leg and kicked the guy straight in the stomach. Both guys slumped down in agony.
“Are you ok?” I helped the girl up.
“Yes thanks to you two.” As she lifted her head I saw how beautiful she was. No wonder these guys were after her.
“Do you know them?”
“No but they have been following me all day. They may come again.”
Ringo took out her mobile phone “I’ll call the police to take care of these guys.” Ringo turned around and called the police. The girl asked me
“Is she your girlfriend?”
A little embraced I answered “No not really”
“That’s good. May I buy you a drink or something to show my gratitude?”
“Fine by me.” We were just small talking as Ringo came back.
“Everything Ok with you?” The girl answered with an evil grin
“Yes. I just asked him out for a drink. Since you are not his girlfriend this shouldn’t be a problem for you right?”
Ringo walked over, said with low voice “Not his girlfriend you say” and grabbed my arm very roughly. She pulled me a step away from the girl, closed her eyes and kissed me gently. The situation hit me harder than one of her best kicks. I don’t know which one of us three was the most confused about this kiss. I had a lot of different feelings in that moment. I felt sorry for that girl, and was a little angry at Ringo to do this so sudden. But I felt happy as well so I closed my eyes too and warped my arms around Ringo's waist. I don’t know how long this moment lasted but it felt like the time stood still for us. As I opened my eyes again that girl disappeared without even telling us her name. Ringo opened her eyes as well and wanted to say something but I put my finger on her soft lips and shook my head. I didn’t want her to destroy this moment so I held her tight until the police came. We told them what happened and that the victim already left. The policemen asked a few more questions and took the two guys with them. It was already too late to go to the cinema. So we sat down in the grass leaning against a tree. We sat there until the sun went down without saying anything. We just held hands and watched each other all the time.
When we sat there the whole world seemed so easy, but this feeling won't last long.
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hmm pretty short not much to say i need more..but i think maybe this should be the prologue the the first chapter...but thats wat i think =]
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yo!! like i promised i will start my harsh comments!! :roll: lol....
1)OOOOOOKKK the 1st thing i would point out is that the plot seems to be spontaneous....I think that you just had this idea going on in your head and want to write it down right away right? Its a good thing but you forgot the important thing......Arrangement of plot... The plot strikes me as simple and cut off not to mention it seem to start in the middle of nowhere (Left me confused). Also the plot develops too sudden it left me thinking "what the hell...." I felt that the 2 main characters wasn't explained well enough. Futhermore, how the Kiichigo Saiko joined or why did he joined in the 1st place was not explained either. Including the fact that how those two met (Saiko and Ringo) were not explained as well.
2)I can see that you made a change of point of view(POV) in the middle of the story(you probably read Uzumaki's work and tried the idea)not a bad try but i think it is too abrupt perhaps you should leave some space or place a line before starting it so the readers wouldn't be confused(confused me the 1st time i read it). It also helps to give the impression you are a neat guy and people will like it more.I meant this part if you can't figure out where it is '>Ringo's parents are Japanese but she grew up in Europe. Therefore her talk is quite casual, a little too casual. I don't really like that. She is half a head taller than me. I don't really like that too. And she tends to be very noisy. I really hate that. But still I am following her without knowing were she is heading to. I guess i have nothing better to do<'
3)Dialogue dude... i understand you want to keep it simple but i think its a little messy. Try cleaning it up; make it easier to read like leaving a space before a dialogue. Then skip to the next line for the next person speaking (Example:[][][][][][][]
{leave a line}
[start dialogue]
[next person speaks])
4)Next comes spelling and grammatical errors..... the 1st error i found was this [Kiichigo Saikos life wasn't something you could call ordinary.] i think you meant Kiichigo Saiko's Then i found this.....[Kiichigo was a little embraced and didn't know how to react] I think you meant embarrased. Lastly, it was this ["Ok ok I'm coming. Maybe you shut up when you are flat on the ground."] I think you meant you'll.
Overall.....I'm sorry to say this but the 1st chapter was quite bad.... the plot was rushed and the dialogues were very messy. But i have to say you did well to add the POV or was it thinking? I'm not really sure but it was a good try, so keep it up..... the spellings and grammatical errors i can forgive since you did say that english isn't your mother tongue but you can't give excuses like that cause my mother tongue isn't english as well so study harder!! :wink: Also an additional tip..... whenever you are done writing, try reading it again. Picture yourself as a reader and you will be able to understand why i critisize about the dialogue part. You have to consider a readers feelings too.
I'll rate this 3.5/10 but i do hope you keep it up since the story seems interesting... i'll keep commenting whenever i come online hope you won't mind 8)
1)OOOOOOKKK the 1st thing i would point out is that the plot seems to be spontaneous....I think that you just had this idea going on in your head and want to write it down right away right? Its a good thing but you forgot the important thing......Arrangement of plot... The plot strikes me as simple and cut off not to mention it seem to start in the middle of nowhere (Left me confused). Also the plot develops too sudden it left me thinking "what the hell...." I felt that the 2 main characters wasn't explained well enough. Futhermore, how the Kiichigo Saiko joined or why did he joined in the 1st place was not explained either. Including the fact that how those two met (Saiko and Ringo) were not explained as well.
2)I can see that you made a change of point of view(POV) in the middle of the story(you probably read Uzumaki's work and tried the idea)not a bad try but i think it is too abrupt perhaps you should leave some space or place a line before starting it so the readers wouldn't be confused(confused me the 1st time i read it). It also helps to give the impression you are a neat guy and people will like it more.I meant this part if you can't figure out where it is '>Ringo's parents are Japanese but she grew up in Europe. Therefore her talk is quite casual, a little too casual. I don't really like that. She is half a head taller than me. I don't really like that too. And she tends to be very noisy. I really hate that. But still I am following her without knowing were she is heading to. I guess i have nothing better to do<'
3)Dialogue dude... i understand you want to keep it simple but i think its a little messy. Try cleaning it up; make it easier to read like leaving a space before a dialogue. Then skip to the next line for the next person speaking (Example:[][][][][][][]
{leave a line}
[start dialogue]
[next person speaks])
4)Next comes spelling and grammatical errors..... the 1st error i found was this [Kiichigo Saikos life wasn't something you could call ordinary.] i think you meant Kiichigo Saiko's Then i found this.....[Kiichigo was a little embraced and didn't know how to react] I think you meant embarrased. Lastly, it was this ["Ok ok I'm coming. Maybe you shut up when you are flat on the ground."] I think you meant you'll.
Overall.....I'm sorry to say this but the 1st chapter was quite bad.... the plot was rushed and the dialogues were very messy. But i have to say you did well to add the POV or was it thinking? I'm not really sure but it was a good try, so keep it up..... the spellings and grammatical errors i can forgive since you did say that english isn't your mother tongue but you can't give excuses like that cause my mother tongue isn't english as well so study harder!! :wink: Also an additional tip..... whenever you are done writing, try reading it again. Picture yourself as a reader and you will be able to understand why i critisize about the dialogue part. You have to consider a readers feelings too.
I'll rate this 3.5/10 but i do hope you keep it up since the story seems interesting... i'll keep commenting whenever i come online hope you won't mind 8)
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First i didn't wanted to put it up that way, but i wanted a few friends to read it. Sorry to let u read the incomlete thing. I've allready redone the first part and added the 2nd part before i read the comments so maybe not everything of your points is involved. By the way... Open Office spellcheck sucks i've done this version in word so the errors should be less.
And i'll replace the first post so noone has to read the shitty first version only the half shitty 2nd one.
And i'll replace the first post so noone has to read the shitty first version only the half shitty 2nd one.
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So here i come again with my harsh comments hope you're prepared.......
1)Plot(again) i have to say the date thing was a nice little twist, it made sense since the both of them knew each other for about a year(you didn't mention their age or anything of the sort so i'm guessing). BUT!!! the kiss was out of it's place though..... see i get that Ringo will get jealous obviously.... but the kiss was too sudden not only that Saiko's reaction were a bit hm......unnatural i guess... i think you should have put him as surprised instead of what you wrote. Plus the girl, you didn't mention how she reacted to their kiss. This was the part i was unsatisfied with .......Ringo walked over, said with low voice “Not his girlfriend you say” and grabbed my arm very roughly. She pulled me a step away from the girl, closed her eyes and kissed me gently. The situation hit me harder than one of her best kicks. I don’t know who of us three was the most confused about this kiss. I had a lot of different feelings in that moment. I felt sorry for that girl, and was a little angry at Ringo to do this so sudden. But I felt happy as well so I closed my eyes too and warped my arms around Ringo's waist. I don’t know how long this moment lasted but it felt like the time stood still for us. As I opened my eyes again that girl was disappeared without even telling us her name. Ringo opened her eyes as well and wanted to say something but I put my finger on her soft lips and shook my head. I didn’t want her to destroy this moment so I held her tight until the police came. We told them what happened and that the victim already left. The policemen asked a few more questions and took the two guys with them. It was already too late to go to the cinema. So we sat down in the grass leaning against a tree. We sat there until the sun went down without talking a word. We just held hands and watched each other all the time.
2)Grammatical and spelling errors(again :roll: ) i was especially irritated by the word embarrased...... you didn't change that spelling even after your correction. This line [She is some kind of annoying sometimes but I still keep on sticking with her.] i think you meant [She is kinda annoying but I'm still sticking with her] then this [We were late for the cinema and we had to hurry.] you should have used so. This one had 2 errors[I ran towards the direction Ringo close behind me you should have used that the second part you should have added a with in front of Ringo close behind me Then [Meanwhile Ringo shifted her weight to the left leg and kicked the guy straight in the stomach.] i think her would be a much better choice of words. Then [I don’t know who of us three was the most confused about this kiss.] i think which would be better here. Another simple error over here....[As I opened my eyes again that girl was disappeared without even telling us her name.] the was wasn't needed here. This is the last part. A case of wrong choice of words...[We sat there until the sun went down without talking a word.] the meaning is understood but i still think you should have used saying anything instead.
Nice to see that you took my advice and cleaned up your dialogue but if i'm not mistaken you switched from a narrative to a 1st person right? It's ok but i hope you can describe the future fighting scenes...since 1st person is harder to write(especially fighting scenes) trust me.....(personal experience :cry: ) the second part wasn't bad but as i said the second part was quite....how to say...... out of place? the kissing scene especially... i think that it's a little unrealistic the way Saiko reacted..... By the way, if i may say so the plot is predictable well at least i think so anyway. If you can surprise me then surprise me, readers love surprises makes the story interesting.....
I rate the 2nd part 4.5/10 sad to say it was still quite shitty..... Give me some surprises the next time i read it ok Leed? I know you can do it if you try hard enough so keep on trying and work on your english!! :wink:
P.S. Read the spoiler Leed
1)Plot(again) i have to say the date thing was a nice little twist, it made sense since the both of them knew each other for about a year(you didn't mention their age or anything of the sort so i'm guessing). BUT!!! the kiss was out of it's place though..... see i get that Ringo will get jealous obviously.... but the kiss was too sudden not only that Saiko's reaction were a bit hm......unnatural i guess... i think you should have put him as surprised instead of what you wrote. Plus the girl, you didn't mention how she reacted to their kiss. This was the part i was unsatisfied with .......Ringo walked over, said with low voice “Not his girlfriend you say” and grabbed my arm very roughly. She pulled me a step away from the girl, closed her eyes and kissed me gently. The situation hit me harder than one of her best kicks. I don’t know who of us three was the most confused about this kiss. I had a lot of different feelings in that moment. I felt sorry for that girl, and was a little angry at Ringo to do this so sudden. But I felt happy as well so I closed my eyes too and warped my arms around Ringo's waist. I don’t know how long this moment lasted but it felt like the time stood still for us. As I opened my eyes again that girl was disappeared without even telling us her name. Ringo opened her eyes as well and wanted to say something but I put my finger on her soft lips and shook my head. I didn’t want her to destroy this moment so I held her tight until the police came. We told them what happened and that the victim already left. The policemen asked a few more questions and took the two guys with them. It was already too late to go to the cinema. So we sat down in the grass leaning against a tree. We sat there until the sun went down without talking a word. We just held hands and watched each other all the time.
2)Grammatical and spelling errors(again :roll: ) i was especially irritated by the word embarrased...... you didn't change that spelling even after your correction. This line [She is some kind of annoying sometimes but I still keep on sticking with her.] i think you meant [She is kinda annoying but I'm still sticking with her] then this [We were late for the cinema and we had to hurry.] you should have used so. This one had 2 errors[I ran towards the direction Ringo close behind me you should have used that the second part you should have added a with in front of Ringo close behind me Then [Meanwhile Ringo shifted her weight to the left leg and kicked the guy straight in the stomach.] i think her would be a much better choice of words. Then [I don’t know who of us three was the most confused about this kiss.] i think which would be better here. Another simple error over here....[As I opened my eyes again that girl was disappeared without even telling us her name.] the was wasn't needed here. This is the last part. A case of wrong choice of words...[We sat there until the sun went down without talking a word.] the meaning is understood but i still think you should have used saying anything instead.
Nice to see that you took my advice and cleaned up your dialogue but if i'm not mistaken you switched from a narrative to a 1st person right? It's ok but i hope you can describe the future fighting scenes...since 1st person is harder to write(especially fighting scenes) trust me.....(personal experience :cry: ) the second part wasn't bad but as i said the second part was quite....how to say...... out of place? the kissing scene especially... i think that it's a little unrealistic the way Saiko reacted..... By the way, if i may say so the plot is predictable well at least i think so anyway. If you can surprise me then surprise me, readers love surprises makes the story interesting.....
I rate the 2nd part 4.5/10 sad to say it was still quite shitty..... Give me some surprises the next time i read it ok Leed? I know you can do it if you try hard enough so keep on trying and work on your english!! :wink:
P.S. Read the spoiler Leed
Spoiler:
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hmm the second part is def better and i agree with thedevil's spoiler you should and i dont rate anything until the end lol but yea =]
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I cut out a few lines and i guess they make the kiss feel out of place. It doesn't felt that way for me since in my head the characters are more advanced than in the story. I'll try to add a few of theese lines again since the kiss suited Ringo. But I guess Kiichigo should resist a little more. AND i sould add a few lines to make their personalities a little bit more obvious.
The errors.... normally my grammar is a lot better but after reading the same lines for so manny times i don't even see my own mistakes anymore. Thanx for pointing them out.
Oh yes the triangle thing... I first wanted to make the triange in an other way than usual. I don't like it that 80% of all mangas/animes follow one of 4 or 5 schemes. But I guess it gets borring without them unless you have a VERY unice idea or writing a drama. The pattern i hate the most is the "Guy-does-nothing-but-still-gets-hitten-by-the-girl-for-trivial-reasons-all-the-time-pattern" and I dont like it when the guys are stupid even if they are the main characters.
I guess i have to make 5 and a half more versions to please you xD
The errors.... normally my grammar is a lot better but after reading the same lines for so manny times i don't even see my own mistakes anymore. Thanx for pointing them out.
Oh yes the triangle thing... I first wanted to make the triange in an other way than usual. I don't like it that 80% of all mangas/animes follow one of 4 or 5 schemes. But I guess it gets borring without them unless you have a VERY unice idea or writing a drama. The pattern i hate the most is the "Guy-does-nothing-but-still-gets-hitten-by-the-girl-for-trivial-reasons-all-the-time-pattern" and I dont like it when the guys are stupid even if they are the main characters.
I guess i have to make 5 and a half more versions to please you xD
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by the way, do you think the change in language between their talk appears cheap? I want them to talk like normal persons would do, not like manga characters.
I just don't want the dialogstyle to end up like
"Oh your penis is going so deep inside my vagina. If you keep sticking it in so hard I'm gonna come."
"I'm going to come too."
"Go ahead and come inside"
cuz this is
extremely cheap
annoying
and is there actually a person talking THAT way?
I just don't want the dialogstyle to end up like
"Oh your penis is going so deep inside my vagina. If you keep sticking it in so hard I'm gonna come."
"I'm going to come too."
"Go ahead and come inside"
cuz this is
extremely cheap
annoying
and is there actually a person talking THAT way?
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Leed wrote...
by the way, do you think the change in language between their talk appears cheap? I want them to talk like normal persons would do, not like manga characters.I just don't want the dialogstyle to end up like
"Oh your penis is going so deep inside my vagina. If you keep sticking it in so hard I'm gonna come."
"I'm going to come too."
"Go ahead and come inside"
cuz this is
extremely cheap
annoying
and is there actually a person talking THAT way?
i think there are but the woman probably will be moaning too much to be talking anyway lol
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the change of speech??? well i have never thought deeply into the matter......if i had to say i guess it sounded cheesy...... even funny at times......
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So! I read the first chapter. You were going nicely until you hit the date.
It's like you wanted to end the story quickly, thus the date(maybe I should say 'fight') and the whole 'girlfriend' thing had no feeling.
The whole kiss thing. It feels like Ringo and Kiichigo accepted the kiss too quickly. It didn't really had any feel and I just felt annoyed, like 'How could he not feel annoyed at Ringo? There was a cute girl(still can't imagine) in front of him trying buy him a drink yet he just accepted the kiss like that?!'
Well, it's your story and i'm just a reader. You do this in your own pace.
PS
You could've described what each characters looked like. I couldn't actually imagine what the girl, Kiichigo and Ringo(except that she's a head taller than Kiichgo) look like. But I guess you could do this anytime, right?
Well, that's just me^^
BTW, Damien! check this out!
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=7695&start=45
It's like you wanted to end the story quickly, thus the date(maybe I should say 'fight') and the whole 'girlfriend' thing had no feeling.
The whole kiss thing. It feels like Ringo and Kiichigo accepted the kiss too quickly. It didn't really had any feel and I just felt annoyed, like 'How could he not feel annoyed at Ringo? There was a cute girl(still can't imagine) in front of him trying buy him a drink yet he just accepted the kiss like that?!'
Well, it's your story and i'm just a reader. You do this in your own pace.
PS
You could've described what each characters looked like. I couldn't actually imagine what the girl, Kiichigo and Ringo(except that she's a head taller than Kiichgo) look like. But I guess you could do this anytime, right?
Well, that's just me^^
BTW, Damien! check this out!
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=7695&start=45