[Winter Contest Entry 2012] My Undeniably, Totally Factual,

My Undeniably, Totally Factual, Holiday Story



Christmas Eve. It’s a typical evening for our group. When said out loud, my evening sounds like the introduction to a worn and familiar joke: “So two Christians, a gay guy, a witch, a Muslim, and a Satanist are all sitting around a Christmas tree…” Picture that on the next Hallmark card; I can smell the customer complaints almost as vividly as the roast that I have been cooking for the past five hours.

Seated in a semi-circle is “Lanky”, as he is aptly called, still in his church service attire with a smile as large as his size fourteen shoes. Next to him is Dere, looking reminiscent of the Ghost of Christmas Future, whose love of all things dark is only rivaled by his quiet politeness. On my right is Steph, adorned equally as dark, casting her spell of jaded wit upon the group. Planted in the corner sits Jessiah, a content and soft-spoken bearded man with a kufi upon his head and a baggie of “holiday cheer” perpetually in his pocket. Beside him is a man so tan with nails so meticulously manicured, that if he wasn’t nicknamed “Blondie” he would easily be a Kardashian sister- A man so unabashedly exuding all that is gay that if he farted, a leprechaun we be perched at the end of it with a pot of gold. And we all love him for it.

Lastly, there I am, the host of our technicolor troop. There isn’t much to say about myself other than despite my lack of social skills I seem to be a magnet for attracting odd people. I used to think being relegated to silent observer of the group was a flaw, but I can’t help but reflect; maybe I’m meant to record these simple but meaningful moments in our lives. Times when people from all beliefs and all walks of life unite under the branches of synthetic green as well as the branch of friendship. Alcohol helps too. Cheap red wine in abundance has a knack for bringing people together.

I look into my own half-filled glass (I suppose that makes me an optimist too) and smile as Lanky dubs Dere the “Sant-I-Christ” and is put in charge of handing out the gifts. With black painted nails, he humbly passes his presents in which, over the typical holiday print, he has scrawled crude penises in his usual fashion. Steph’s gifts are taped over with packets of Taco Bell hot sauce. Tradition is very important to us, you see.

After the hot sauce and penis paper is strewn sufficiently about the floor and all the presents are opened (how often do you put those words together in a sentence?), we migrate into the living room. In the midst of watching another Saturday Night Live rerun, we turn to one of our group’s other pastimes.
“Want to watch a ridiculous porn?”
Without hesitation, the group unanimously agrees.

Flashing back to a certain panel at Otakon 2011, I log into my Fakku account and pull up Miyazaki Maya Daizukan, Episode 1. Or, as it is more prominently known for, “The Bicycle Fairy” (I’ll wait while you look it up).

(Done yet?)

(Seriously, quit fapping for a second and just watch it.)

(Good? Good.)

So there we were, watching animated melon tits swaying in the breeze during what is considered by many to be a deeply religious holiday. The humor of the situation was not lost on us. Not to mention the amount of jizz flying gives “you’ll shoot your eye out” an entirely different meaning. And the meaning to any given situation at that moment in time is what makes all the little things worthwhile.

Many different groups try to define the “true” meaning of Christmas, often times with visions of agendas dancing in their heads. I, however, believe that it is whatever you make it. For us, our gatherings started because we decided that having a good time with friends was more important than pretending to smile around people we’d rather tell to stick it in their corncob pipe and smoke it. Foregoing the hearth and gathering around a porn sometimes has more value than holding hands at a dinner table. As much as I love spending time with my step-sister as she loudly blathers about herself and horses into the Bluetooth glued to her face, or my uncle who never seems to know when his jokes go a little too far (well, okay, he can be kind-of fun), there is no far greater treasure to me than the gift of honesty. Well, maybe next to a jet pack. A jet pack would pretty sweet.

In keeping with most holiday stories, I would be remiss if I didn’t leave you with some type of a moral lesson. Therefore, I offer this mint chocolate, holiday edition, nugget of wisdom: When the road gets rough, just keep pedaling on your bicycle and someday, somehow, you’ll find your bicycle fairy. Always trust a stranger when he tells you he’s a bicycle fairy.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.


P.S.

Dear Santa,

Jet Pack.

Love and porn,
Kuronekochan

So late yo. Lol.

Reminds me of my own entry. Both of us give Christmas the bird.

That said, after having to put up with yours, would you suffer mine?
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97777

I thought I would at least take you up on the suggestion of submitting an entry. I had the flu and last night was the first night in the past few days that I didn't have a fever, so I took advantage of the situation. :)



Nothing wrong with a little cynicism under the tree. Sure, I'll have a read.

One question remains though. Did that really happen during Christmas?!

Absolutely! We're an odd bunch. I was going to write something else entirely and realized the truth is stranger than fiction.

Wait, do you really work at Technicolor?

Well, I guess you don't really need to have Christmas sitting boring at someplace you don't even wanna go there. My definition of Christmas is the time when you can spend with your loved ones (not that kind of gay love you're thinking about). And I guess we can have differences in what we define as "loved ones".

And I also want a jet pack for a Christmas gift!

So, I'm trying to warp my head around the fact that this is truth. And I must say, it's quite difficult.

Nonetheless, your adventures with your group of friends has provided a very intriguing story that had me locked in reading the entire thing just from the start. I'm... not sure I can really give you criticism, but I can tell you that it was a blast to read. Thoroughly enjoyed it, and I'm actually hoping to hear more of your adventures (or I guess normal meetings with your friends) one day!

Not to be lazy, but xinebreaker pretty much said everything I was thinking after reading it lol. I wholeheartedly agree with the above!

Sorry, I was too busy fapping to the Bicycle Fairy to give your story a read. All I remember is penis paper and hot sauce (sounds kinky, let me join in while wearing only a pirate hat).

Is this a D&D group?

Oh, it's just "a" group.

No plot, no drama, lots of light, fluffy, white, creamy stuff.

Opinion(tm)

Who wouldn't want a jet pack! It would be a great way to meet up with your loved ones, gay or otherwise ;)



I'm glad you enjoyed it! I knew full well going into this that it would be hard to believe but I wrote it because I wanted to write a personal experience- something I do not typically do. I just wanted to write something to make me happy.
Also, thanks for reading, Livided!



Woah! Is that a peg leg or are you just happy to see me?



A live D&D group? Do you mean a "larp"? I'm sorry to say that my Christmas Eve experience was all very tragically OOC and IRL.

I've been on /tg/ too long, every time I see "group" I automatically associate it with a group who play tabletop board games together. And don't worry, your group is special, not weird. There are worse things in this world.