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[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Bittersweet

0
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
I do hope I made it in time for the deadline as with the differences in our time regions make me nervous that my entry is invalid. Nevertheless, would it not make it, I will be pleased that at the very least, my work will be read by the Writing and Fanfiction people.




Bittersweet
Spoiler:

RING RING RING RING

Somewhere, a device is ringing with otherworldly tenacity. I struggle to ignore it, cover my ears, and return to the depths of my dreams.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING

The enemy proves to be quite persistent; it seems to make a firm message with its relentless barrage of attempts to connect to me. Half-asleep and weary, I respond to the contraption.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RI-

I flick the switch in the device to stop the ungodly ringing, and at the same time, learn that I had slept past through most of the day.

“What the hell, I didn’t even set the alarm this late in the day.” I sigh

“Those guys are playing tricks on me again.” I murmured while briefly thinking of my mischievous friends.

I walked over to my kitchen to make some coffee and to think about my plans for today, not that I have much time left before nightfall comes. Still, I feel like I need to get out of the house and do something.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING

“Dammit, all this ringing is getting to my nerves.” I utter while making my way into the communications device.

“Hello,” I start to greet the imposing person trying to contact me.

“Yo, Rune, did I wake you up?”

As always, this guy has no restraints whatsoever.

“If only you had been three minutes earlier, you would have been my most hated person right now Luke.” I stated

“So, what does that make me now?” he cheerfully asks

“My second most hated person in the whole world.”

“And the first is..?”

“Myself.” I reply flatly

An earful of laughter reverberates from the other side of the call.

“Well, I was just checking up on ya, you know, with Liz and all.” He says with barely concealed concern.

“If you don’t have anything to do right now, why not check out the new theme park that had just opened last week? It’s just 10 minutes of walk from your place you know.”

“Last week? Why the hell do I not know of that?” I reply, surprised.

“Search me, I’m not the one cooping inside his house and rejecting the whole world.”

He is right, what happened with Liz and I can never be undone. We had a long fight, and afterwards, a long talk. And the conclusion is, she went and spread her wings while I sit in my house all day, curled up like an egg.

“Hey man, I know it is hard for you, but at the very least, get some fresh air and a good walk every now and then.” Luke says

“Yeah, I know it too, rest assured, I also plan to go out today. Thanks for giving me a destination.” I reply to his kindness.

“Anything for you my precious friend.” I can imagine him doing a mock bow, and I chuckle.

“Well then, see you, or, well, speak to you again.”

“Yeah, take care of yourself man.” And he shuts off the other end of the connection.

I return to the kitchen after fetching my smokes and pour myself some liquid heaven. I light one cigarette, and look outside the window. The sky is now turning red while at the same time, darker. Going to a theme park at night might be a bad idea.

“Fuck it, I’m going anyways.” I exclaim as I finish my coffee and cigarettes.

After a quick bath, I head outside and head straight to the acclaimed theme park.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you would have expected, the theme park is full of mascots, screaming people in rides, and kids having fun. Everything opposite of what I am (or so to say, what I am feeling right now). I take a step back and remember Luke’s stupid smiling face. My friend since childhood that up until now, has not left or gotten tired of me.

“I need to do this.” I motivate myself.

Steeling my nerves and ignoring the screams of my instinct that my worthless and depressing existence does not belong to a fun and happy place as this. I take a step forward, and another, followed by yet another. Eventually, I reached the inside of the place. Immediately, I am lost on what to do, normally a person does not go to a theme park alone, among all these happy couples and families, I stick out like a sore thumb.

“For starters, I’d better find a good spot to smoke and be alone.” I halfheartedly cheer myself on.

I found one beside a fortune telling tent and a mobile home, odd place to be in, but heck, my nerves are getting shot, and I need to take a long drag to calm myself down.
Halfway through my third stick, I start to think about all the times Liz and I went to theme parks. We both went through soul-sucking rollercoasters, hilarious haunted houses, terrifying circus shows, and so much more. In the state I am in, if I were to go to any attraction where I went with Liz, I would probably revert back to my withdrawn state. I need to find a ride or anything that I have yet to experience with Liz. So, I throw the remains of my third stick, light the fourth, and start searching.

“All of these attractions are no good.” I sigh and accept the prophecy that this trip would be a waste of time.

I head back to my old smoking spot a while ago to do my last stick before heading home. As I arrive, I found the answer: A house of mirrors conveniently showing up near my smoking spot. Since I had my back to it the whole time, this is the first I had seen it.
“A house of mirrors huh?” I whisper to myself and unwillingly reminisce.


“No! I don’t want to go there!” Liz exclaims

“Why not? It’ll be fun!” I laugh

“No! I’m fine with anything else just not that one.” She stubbornly retorts

I scratch my head and think of ways to convince here to go there, since it will be the first time I will go inside and I want Liz to be with me. Unfortunately, she does her stone stance that indicates her strong will of rejection and reluctance against any other suggestions aside from her own.

“How about the teacup ride?” I give in and her face immediately brightens

“Yeah! I really really really look forward to that ride since we came here!” she exclaims in delight



I find myself back in the present and in the entrance of the house of mirrors.

“Welcome to Tilwan’s House of Mirrors.” an old geezer in a dusty suit greeted me with a questionable smile.

“Please come in.” he beckons inside and I follow suit

“Tilwan’s House of Mirrors is not just any house of mirrors,” he starts as we go through the precursor of the whole attraction.

“Tilwan’s is also a special place, it is said that among all of these mirrors, there is one that might appear as a normal one, no different from one you use in the bathroom. But if you try to spot your reflection on it, it will reflect your life.” The old man states his practiced lines perfectly. So perfect that it made some of my hairs stand on its ends.

Mirrors distort not only my face but my whole body, some make me smaller but fatter, others make me tall but very thin. Some enlarge my facial features while some make my body that of a woman’s. As I progress through the whole attraction, I notice that there aren’t any other people inside. Figures, technology is so advanced that these appearance-distorting mirrors are nothing more but an application these days.
Finally, I have reached the end of the whole thing, but I realize with a start, the old geezer was not with me, nor do I remember paying for the entrance.

“Damn, where did he go, this is the only attraction I had went in and I haven’t paid for the entrance yet.” I sigh.

I wouldn’t like my first memory of an attraction to leave a bad taste in my mouth. So I searched for the old man as I went back into the myriad of mirrors again. And I found myself in a room without any mirror save for a normal one in the middle.

“So this must be the legend that the old man is talking about.” I figured and looked into the mirror. After what seems like an eternity of staring at my own reflection. I or rather, it smiled and talked.

“Hello, Rune Leviere.” I, no, it said. “I will now take you on a journey through your disappointments, you do not have any say in this matter, so before we start, I will give you a break to take in all of what I had said.”

“Here we go.” it said after a brief moment and I was sucked inside the mirror.

Countless memories flash past me as I seemingly fly in nothingness, in the order of recent to older memories, they fly past, each reminding me of the exact feeling I had felt in those moments. This continued after a while as I daze past each of them. Every pain in the chest, every letdown, I was forced to relive all those moments again.

“Here we are, your greatest disappointment.” It said, as we landed in a memory being projected in front of me the size of a building. It was the first meeting of me and Liz.
My chest feels like it is being stabbed by daggers, my feet feels like they are encased in ice, and my hands are trembling like a vibrator, but I kept on watching as the past me choke on the water on my blind date with Liz.

It was a mere hour of date since she had somewhere to go and be in, but we had arranged to meet each other again next week to redo the whole thing. As she rushed off to get a cab, I am filled with emptiness beyond comprehension.

“I offer you this, Rune Leviere, you can relive this moment and decide to not meet Elizabeth Gratio again.” It said. I looked at my own reflection, dumbfounded.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I arrive at my own house, go straight to the coffee maker and start brewing my fuel. I change into something more comfortable as the coffee gets ready. When it is ready, I went and poured myself one and started to sip and light a smoke.

I am feeling a lot better already.

Suddenly, fireworks light up the starry sky with their beauty. As the colors of red, green, yellow, blue clash in magnificence, I remember the first time Liz and I watched our first fireworks show together. A memory I had decided to live by. And I take another sip in my bittersweet coffee.

“Just the way I like it”



HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Edit:
Spoiler:
No, nevermind, my bumbling head made me unable to post the link in the Winter Contest thread. Anyways, goodluck to all of the other participipants!
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d
9 years ago
I'm not entirely sure what the moral is. I think it's something along the lines of accepting everything that has happened to you and not letting it get the better of you?

You have verb tense errors. I believe this story is being told in the present tense, so you need to stick to the present tense unless of course you're describing something that has happened in the past within the story.

I flick the switch in the device to stop the ungodly ringing, and at the same time, learn that I had slept past through most of the day.


How is Luke able to call him with the device flipped off?

“Dammit, all this ringing is getting to my nerves.” I utter while making my way into the communications device.


Do you mean a phone? If so, why not just say phone?

“Last week? Why the hell do I not know of that?” I reply, surprised.


Be careful when describing dialogue. Take the above line for example. It's pointless to add that he's surprised when I can tell he is from the dialogue alone.

Not much else to say about this story. You kept my interest throughout, the ending was nice even if I didn't quite get the message, and you surprised me with it.
1
y00han
9 years ago
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
I do hope I made it in time for the deadline as with the differences in our time regions make me nervous that my entry is invalid. Nevertheless, would it not make it, I will be pleased that at the very least, my work will be read by the Writing and Fanfiction people.




Bittersweet
Spoiler:

RING RING RING RING

Somewhere, a device is ringing with otherworldly tenacity. I struggle to ignore it, cover my ears, and return to the depths of my dreams.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING

The enemy proves to be quite persistent; it seems to make a firm message with its relentless barrage of attempts to connect to me. Half-asleep and weary, I respond to the contraption.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RI-

I flick the switch in the device to stop the ungodly ringing, and at the same time, learn that I had slept past through most of the day.

“What the hell, I didn’t even set the alarm this late in the day.” I sigh

“Those guys are playing tricks on me again.” I murmured while briefly thinking of my mischievous friends.

I walked over to my kitchen to make some coffee and to think about my plans for today, not that I have much time left before nightfall comes. Still, I feel like I need to get out of the house and do something.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING

“Dammit, all this ringing is getting to my nerves.” I utter while making my way into the communications device.

“Hello,” I start to greet the imposing person trying to contact me.

“Yo, Rune, did I wake you up?”

As always, this guy has no restraints whatsoever.

“If only you had been three minutes earlier, you would have been my most hated person right now Luke.” I stated

“So, what does that make me now?” he cheerfully asks

“My second most hated person in the whole world.”

“And the first is..?”

“Myself.” I reply flatly

An earful of laughter reverberates from the other side of the call.

“Well, I was just checking up on ya, you know, with Liz and all.” He says with barely concealed concern.

“If you don’t have anything to do right now, why not check out the new theme park that had just opened last week? It’s just 10 minutes of walk from your place you know.”

“Last week? Why the hell do I not know of that?” I reply, surprised.

“Search me, I’m not the one cooping inside his house and rejecting the whole world.”

He is right, what happened with Liz and I can never be undone. We had a long fight, and afterwards, a long talk. And the conclusion is, she went and spread her wings while I sit in my house all day, curled up like an egg.

“Hey man, I know it is hard for you, but at the very least, get some fresh air and a good walk every now and then.” Luke says

“Yeah, I know it too, rest assured, I also plan to go out today. Thanks for giving me a destination.” I reply to his kindness.

“Anything for you my precious friend.” I can imagine him doing a mock bow, and I chuckle.

“Well then, see you, or, well, speak to you again.”

“Yeah, take care of yourself man.” And he shuts off the other end of the connection.

I return to the kitchen after fetching my smokes and pour myself some liquid heaven. I light one cigarette, and look outside the window. The sky is now turning red while at the same time, darker. Going to a theme park at night might be a bad idea.

“Fuck it, I’m going anyways.” I exclaim as I finish my coffee and cigarettes.

After a quick bath, I head outside and head straight to the acclaimed theme park.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you would have expected, the theme park is full of mascots, screaming people in rides, and kids having fun. Everything opposite of what I am (or so to say, what I am feeling right now). I take a step back and remember Luke’s stupid smiling face. My friend since childhood that up until now, has not left or gotten tired of me.

“I need to do this.” I motivate myself.

Steeling my nerves and ignoring the screams of my instinct that my worthless and depressing existence does not belong to a fun and happy place as this. I take a step forward, and another, followed by yet another. Eventually, I reached the inside of the place. Immediately, I am lost on what to do, normally a person does not go to a theme park alone, among all these happy couples and families, I stick out like a sore thumb.

“For starters, I’d better find a good spot to smoke and be alone.” I halfheartedly cheer myself on.

I found one beside a fortune telling tent and a mobile home, odd place to be in, but heck, my nerves are getting shot, and I need to take a long drag to calm myself down.
Halfway through my third stick, I start to think about all the times Liz and I went to theme parks. We both went through soul-sucking rollercoasters, hilarious haunted houses, terrifying circus shows, and so much more. In the state I am in, if I were to go to any attraction where I went with Liz, I would probably revert back to my withdrawn state. I need to find a ride or anything that I have yet to experience with Liz. So, I throw the remains of my third stick, light the fourth, and start searching.

“All of these attractions are no good.” I sigh and accept the prophecy that this trip would be a waste of time.

I head back to my old smoking spot a while ago to do my last stick before heading home. As I arrive, I found the answer: A house of mirrors conveniently showing up near my smoking spot. Since I had my back to it the whole time, this is the first I had seen it.
“A house of mirrors huh?” I whisper to myself and unwillingly reminisce.


“No! I don’t want to go there!” Liz exclaims

“Why not? It’ll be fun!” I laugh

“No! I’m fine with anything else just not that one.” She stubbornly retorts

I scratch my head and think of ways to convince here to go there, since it will be the first time I will go inside and I want Liz to be with me. Unfortunately, she does her stone stance that indicates her strong will of rejection and reluctance against any other suggestions aside from her own.

“How about the teacup ride?” I give in and her face immediately brightens

“Yeah! I really really really look forward to that ride since we came here!” she exclaims in delight



I find myself back in the present and in the entrance of the house of mirrors.

“Welcome to Tilwan’s House of Mirrors.” an old geezer in a dusty suit greeted me with a questionable smile.

“Please come in.” he beckons inside and I follow suit

“Tilwan’s House of Mirrors is not just any house of mirrors,” he starts as we go through the precursor of the whole attraction.

“Tilwan’s is also a special place, it is said that among all of these mirrors, there is one that might appear as a normal one, no different from one you use in the bathroom. But if you try to spot your reflection on it, it will reflect your life.” The old man states his practiced lines perfectly. So perfect that it made some of my hairs stand on its ends.

Mirrors distort not only my face but my whole body, some make me smaller but fatter, others make me tall but very thin. Some enlarge my facial features while some make my body that of a woman’s. As I progress through the whole attraction, I notice that there aren’t any other people inside. Figures, technology is so advanced that these appearance-distorting mirrors are nothing more but an application these days.
Finally, I have reached the end of the whole thing, but I realize with a start, the old geezer was not with me, nor do I remember paying for the entrance.

“Damn, where did he go, this is the only attraction I had went in and I haven’t paid for the entrance yet.” I sigh.

I wouldn’t like my first memory of an attraction to leave a bad taste in my mouth. So I searched for the old man as I went back into the myriad of mirrors again. And I found myself in a room without any mirror save for a normal one in the middle.

“So this must be the legend that the old man is talking about.” I figured and looked into the mirror. After what seems like an eternity of staring at my own reflection. I or rather, it smiled and talked.

“Hello, Rune Leviere.” I, no, it said. “I will now take you on a journey through your disappointments, you do not have any say in this matter, so before we start, I will give you a break to take in all of what I had said.”

“Here we go.” it said after a brief moment and I was sucked inside the mirror.

Countless memories flash past me as I seemingly fly in nothingness, in the order of recent to older memories, they fly past, each reminding me of the exact feeling I had felt in those moments. This continued after a while as I daze past each of them. Every pain in the chest, every letdown, I was forced to relive all those moments again.

“Here we are, your greatest disappointment.” It said, as we landed in a memory being projected in front of me the size of a building. It was the first meeting of me and Liz.
My chest feels like it is being stabbed by daggers, my feet feels like they are encased in ice, and my hands are trembling like a vibrator, but I kept on watching as the past me choke on the water on my blind date with Liz.

It was a mere hour of date since she had somewhere to go and be in, but we had arranged to meet each other again next week to redo the whole thing. As she rushed off to get a cab, I am filled with emptiness beyond comprehension.

“I offer you this, Rune Leviere, you can relive this moment and decide to not meet Elizabeth Gratio again.” It said. I looked at my own reflection, dumbfounded.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I arrive at my own house, go straight to the coffee maker and start brewing my fuel. I change into something more comfortable as the coffee gets ready. When it is ready, I went and poured myself one and started to sip and light a smoke.

I am feeling a lot better already.

Suddenly, fireworks light up the starry sky with their beauty. As the colors of red, green, yellow, blue clash in magnificence, I remember the first time Liz and I watched our first fireworks show together. A memory I had decided to live by. And I take another sip in my bittersweet coffee.

“Just the way I like it”



HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Edit:
Spoiler:
No, nevermind, my bumbling head made me unable to post the link in the Winter Contest thread. Anyways, goodluck to all of the other participipants!



pros: i like the capacity for command that you could have over your words, though not often, it shows itself in certain parts of your story; the varying of the sentence structures, choices in words, etc. and the authencity this story brings-- it's real.

constructive criticism: although it's real, it could have been told better-- and told better i meant shown. This story feels like you rushed it, and u bs-ed it for this winter contest. The whole story you tell us about stuff and although the intial exhibition of your style interested me to read your story, everything after the first couple sentences fell flat and disengaged me. i suggest you show and not tell, and by that i mean bring us into moments, describe how the you felt in those moments, so that the readers can understand and be with you
1
Chiligyro
9 years ago
Reading all those "RING"s made me as annoyed as having an actual alarm clock go off, not sure if this was intended, but that is the effect it had on me. I assume the story is about a bad break-up and how the main character deals with it. Like someone else already mentioned I am unsure about the link to morality. The story itself was rather cute, but it felt like it lacked in substance. After I read it my initial reaction was: "What did I just read?" In other words, it left no lasting impression. It is well-written, but I hunger for some emotion, something to pique my interrest. My best advice would be to try and use some more colourful language, words that can be associated with things, make us think, make us imagine. Otherwise it becomes too dull. You did it with your usage of "bittersweet", in context that was the most memorable part of the story, if you could add some of the same elements to the rest of it, I believe it would be a whole lot better.
1
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
9 years ago
Understood it. This must make it good by my standards. There is this sentence though which I found difficult to understand:

“I offer you this, Rune Leviere, you can relive this moment and decide to not meet Elizabeth Gratio again.” It said. I looked at my own reflection, dumbfounded.

Who was the person saying this? Luke? Rune himself? The mirror? What was the significance of that, I wonder.

If I have to criticise your story, then it would be similar to the observations the others made. More words could be devoted (I understand that a lot about Elizabeth is already written) to what made Elizabeth special, why did Elizabeth and Rune argue and the causes of the internal anguish that might have made Rune think that a reflection is talking to him. Perhaps some insinuation that Luke may be dating Elizabeth or Elizabeth has gave up on Rune. This entry I felt centres on the relationship between Rune and Elizabeth after all so why not devote more words to it? (This means cutting out some of the introduction though.)

If I have to compliment your story, I would say that I have a soft spot for anecdotes which must be one of the more realistic forms of storytelling. (I understand that the entry about the happy times with Elizabeth might not be real but they do feel like a recollection or an anecdote of sorts.)

I have a softer spot for ironic, tragic and bad endings. (Part of which might be inspired by my distaste of escapism that I find rather ubiquitous and my approval of people who accept that life cannot be a bed of roses) Your entry resonated with my tastes somewhat.

I however write nonsense stories. Too few people write comedy of which I have a soft spot for as well. Have you read my entry by any chance?

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-2014-concerning-morality-and-the-human-life-cycle
0
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I'm not entirely sure what the moral is. I think it's something along the lines of accepting everything that has happened to you and not letting it get the better of you?


Well done, you had figured the concept on what I am thinking on my own story. I had hoped to keep my work in a mysterious fashion. That is why it kind of left you wondering
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
How is Luke able to call him with the device flipped off?


Because I would want my readers to use their imaginations more and not wholly rely on the story itself. And the answer to your query is that the device he flipped (or rather the switch of the device) is only the alarm clock. It is also the same case as this one.
“Dammit, all this ringing is getting to my nerves.” I utter while making my way into the communications device.


This one is now the phone.


The moral of the story, to be precise, is more like along the lines of this:
Spoiler:

The past exists and time travel does not exist for a reason. Whatever mistakes or problems you had encountered in the past, the best way to deal with it is not to wallow in despair and in self-pity. It is better to accept it and harness those painful experiences as a learning lesson in the future.



d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
You have verb tense errors. I believe this story is being told in the present tense, so you need to stick to the present tense unless of course you're describing something that has happened in the past within the story.

Be careful when describing dialogue. Take the above line for example. It's pointless to add that he's surprised when I can tell he is from the dialogue alone.


Thank you for noticing, I am admittedly, in a rush in finishing my work before the deadline and as such, I have not proofread the whole thing thoroughly.


d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Not much else to say about this story. You kept my interest throughout, the ending was nice even if I didn't quite get the message, and you surprised me with it.


Thank you for taking your precious time to read my hastily-done and amateurish work. I am happy to provide you with a somewhat worthwhile read while operating under the minimum of 2000-word rule. And I am also mildly suprised to get a response that I was hoping my work to induce to my readers
Spoiler:
you surprised me with it.
0
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
y00han wrote...

pros: i like the capacity for command that you could have over your words, though not often, it shows itself in certain parts of your story; the varying of the sentence structures, choices in words, etc. and the authencity this story brings-- it's real.


Thank you, I had never imagined I would have that kind of ability. I had some authors I really idolize and sometimes my works become somewhat a copy of their own writing style. I am currently split in half whether that is a good thing or not.

y00han wrote...

constructive criticism: although it's real, it could have been told better-- and told better i meant shown. This story feels like you rushed it, and u bs-ed it for this winter contest. The whole story you tell us about stuff and although the intial exhibition of your style interested me to read your story, everything after the first couple sentences fell flat and disengaged me. i suggest you show and not tell, and by that i mean bring us into moments, describe how the you felt in those moments, so that the readers can understand and be with you


It is, as you said, rushed, but please know I did not bs it for this contest. I understand that the whole story may seem very lackluster, but it was my intention to be like that. Although it did not seem to be effective into providing my audience with enjoyment. I intended for it to be so for the reason that I want my readers to feel how Rune was feeling up until the end. I wanted the story to feel as gray as it could be, a risky choice but one I decided to go through.


Thank you for taking your time to read through my work!
0
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
Chiligyro wrote...

Reading all those "RING"s made me as annoyed as having an actual alarm clock go off, not sure if this was intended, but that is the effect it had on me.


I am pleased that it had that effect on you, I am aiming to make my readers feel not positive emotions, but rather more on negative.


Chiligyro wrote...

but I hunger for some emotion, something to pique my interrest. My best advice would be to try and use some more colourful language, words that can be associated with things


The reason for that is that I reflected that we are looking at the story in Rune's perspective. That said, I hoped my readers ended up feeling annoyed, gray, a bit cynical and quite depressed. It is, as I had pointed out in another reply, quite risky.


Chiligyro wrote...
I assume the story is about a bad break-up and how the main character deals with it. Like someone else already mentioned I am unsure about the link to morality.


Spoiler:
The past exists and time travel does not exist for a reason. Whatever mistakes or problems you had encountered in the past, the best way to deal with it is not to wallow in despair and in self-pity. It is better to accept it and harness those painful experiences as a learning lesson in the future.


Chiligyro wrote...
if you could add some of the same elements to the rest of it, I believe it would be a whole lot better.


I still wished I would have added more color and some lasting impression on the end as I wanted my readers to have the lingering feeling of a mix of sadness, acceptance, and being a bit hopeful for the future as they experience standing there, sipping coffee and smoking while watching the fireworks go off.

Thank you for your feedback!
1
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
leonard267 wrote...
Understood it. This must make it good by my standards.


Thank you for that sentiment, and I am happy that my story is understood. As I had tried to keep it a bit mysterious and not at all that easy to understand as you read through it once.

leonard267 wrote...

Who was the person saying this? Luke? Rune himself? The mirror? What was the significance of that, I wonder.


It is the reflection of Rune that had appeared in the mirror. That much is sure, but was it Rune who is subconsciously trying to erase his past? Was it the old man who is actually a magical being that serves as a fairy godmother? Or was it Luke who had hypnotized Rune and is trying to make him forget about his painful experience with Liz? That is one for the readers to decide and live with themselves. Some certain things in the story are left ambiguous and open-ended intentionally. It is the style I had come up with to answer the riddle of the 2000-word limit. I only hope it would end up with my readers enjoying using their imagination and not confused.


leonard267 wrote...

This entry I felt centres on the relationship between Rune and Elizabeth after all so why not devote more words to it?...


That may be a shortcoming on my part, I had hoped to make the story not center around the whole relationship (as it had already ended) but around how Rune makes his decision that one night he decided to come to a theme park and had a confusing experience with a mirror.

leonard267 wrote...

I have a softer spot for ironic, tragic and bad endings. (Part of which might be inspired by my distaste of escapism that I find rather ubiquitous and my approval of people who accept that life cannot be a bed of roses) Your entry resonated with my tastes somewhat.


If I had to guess, it would be due to the fact that I have cynical and realist tendencies.

leonard267 wrote...

I however write nonsense stories. Too few people write comedy of which I have a soft spot for as well. Have you read my entry by any chance?


I will, and would try to leave an observation that would be as meticulous as one that you did. Thank you very much for reading through my work.

*Regarding calling your stories nonsense and taking that fact that you make comedy. I think that stories in the comedy genre is very hard to create as people have varying notion on what is funny and what is not. Be more confident and think more highly of yourself :)
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d
9 years ago
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
“What the hell, I didn’t even set the alarm this late in the day.” I sigh


I must have somehow passed over this line when I read it. That little section at the beginning makes so much more sense now. I think the thing that really threw me off is you use the same onomatopoeia for both the alarm and the phone.

Thank you for taking your precious time to read my hastily-done and amateurish work. I am happy to provide you with a somewhat worthwhile read while operating under the minimum of 2000-word rule. And I am also mildly suprised to get a response that I was hoping my work to induce to my readers


You're welcome. But come on man, don't pull out the I'm-an-amateur-and-I-suck line. There's being modest, and then there's . . . that.
0
Dawn_of_Dark
9 years ago
Most of the things I want to say have already been said by others, so I'm just gonna repeat them.

Regarding the grammar, like d(^_^)(^_^)d has said, wrong tenses were used on various occasions in the story. I imagine you must have been very hurry to get this entry done, since there was even sentences where they didn't have full stops. I also find your choices of words peculiar, contrast to what y00han said. That may only be differences in authors' styles of writing, but I do find your comparison of things unconventional. I assume you're not a native English speaker, so you try to translate what you want to write from your own first language into English, so it come out unnatural to me. You should think in English if you want to write in English. If that's not the case, please feel free to go ahead and dislike me.

In terms of the content, I'd say it's pretty easy to understand what you were trying to tell. However, like leonard267 said, why not focus more on the relationship between Rune and Elizabeth. I think it would have done more for the story than just focusing on a melancholic guy who just got dumped by his girlfriend and his melancholic after-break-up life, which we don't even know how significant was the relationship because you didn't tell us. I'll guess it must have been a very very bad break-up to get a guy down like that. But we also don't know that, because you didn't tell us. We don't even know how his life is after the break-up, because you also didn't tell us that. I mean, all I know about this character is that he's being sad, without knowing how that sadness affects his life (like his job or his money that he spent into buying her a diamond ring the other day). So, I think that where this story could use more work.

I enjoyed reading through it. It's shame that you had to rush to finish this story, it could have been better in my opinion. As last words, good luck in the contest. Also I would appreciate it if you check out my entry as well, if you haven't already.
0
Ryuuchamashi
9 years ago
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
there was even sentences where they didn't have full stops.


HAHA! That is one problem that up until now I have not yet fixed, Xenon also had pointed that out in a work of mine. Running sentences are a bit of a weakness of mine.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
I assume you're not a native English speaker


Right on.

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
If that's not the case, please feel free to go ahead and dislike me.


But I definitely think in English when writing stories, my choice of words and style probably came out all jumbled and out of the place as I did not have enough time to polish my work. That and writers shouldn't just go hating people who give feedbacks just because they were negative. I hope to receive more from you :)

Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Spoiler:
In terms of the content, I'd say it's pretty easy to understand what you were trying to tell. However, like leonard267 said, why not focus more on the relationship between Rune and Elizabeth. I think it would have done more for the story than just focusing on a melancholic guy who just got dumped by his girlfriend and his melancholic after-break-up life, which we don't even know how significant was the relationship because you didn't tell us. I'll guess it must have been a very very bad break-up to get a guy down like that. But we also don't know that, because you didn't tell us. We don't even know how his life is after the break-up, because you also didn't tell us that. I mean, all I know about this character is that he's being sad, without knowing how that sadness affects his life (like his job or his money that he spent into buying her a diamond ring the other day). So, I think that where this story could use more work.


Wow, I never had thought of it that way. Thank you very much, I will keep this in mind while polishing this story. Please look forward to seeing my polished work!

Congratulations on your making to the Preliminary Poll! I look forward to seeing more works from you!
0
Dawn_of_Dark
9 years ago
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
But I definitely think in English when writing stories, my choice of words and style probably came out all jumbled and out of the place as I did not have enough time to polish my work. That and writers shouldn't just go hating people who give feedbacks just because they were negative. I hope to receive more from you :)


Then please excuse my presumption :) I guess you'll need to try to think more, well, English-ish English in the future. Live and learn, right?


Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Wow, I never had thought of it that way. Thank you very much, I will keep this in mind while polishing this story. Please look forward to seeing my polished work!

Congratulations on your making to the Preliminary Poll! I look forward to seeing more works from you!


I'm looking forward to it. However, I wasn't much of a active member last year, so hopefully I can be one this year. Also thank you.
0
high_time
9 years ago
a bit annoyed with the sfx sound getting written about like 'ring ring...' etc. i kind of prefer another way, like a simple narrative to describe how it sounds like. i also felt like, the story kinda lacks a main focus, or maybe spent too little time on what could be the most interesting part.

the interaction between the characters kinda didn't feel that much, it's probably either because their relationship ain't really explained in a way i could relate to, or it's just me unable to get interested in. it kinda goes eating up words explaining many things i think could be cut down and as for me, it could be made more interesting with brevity.

well, at most part, it may just be me though. when i'm reading, it's hard to find something i could actually understand to its fullest.
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