[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Black Sheep
1
Magic changed everything.
In a small city commonly called Burot from the founder of both magic and the city William Burot.
By what some call dumb luck and others fate William found a small piece of parchment in his new home and when he read the words on it, he found with a snap of his fingers fire would appear and hover in the air.
The city of Burot became popular almost overnight, and as years passed people learned to better control their magic, three years to be precise and humanity was already using magic for the betterment of others.
However for all the good magic brought, it also caused a fair bit of problems the main being others using their new found power with malicious intent.
These people who for lack of a better name were called Villains harnessed their magic and caused destruction and general mayhem wherever they went.
After repetitious harm and suffering especially to those who couldn’t wield magic, people rose up against these villainous fiends and they were called Heroes in response.
A year and a half has passed since Villains appeared and the city of Burot has had its own share of Villains; all of them pale in comparison to the man that torments them now, with little effort he single handedly destroyed all the other Villains naming himself the top dog when it came to the destruction of Burot city.
Even now his first villainous act still echoes in the city, to the world he is a Villain who brings nothing but despair and to the city of Burot he is the only Villain to successful murder another Hero.
The man known only as Xais.
“Run for your lives its Xais!”
A small sedan flew over the head of a man who picked up his daughter in one motion and ran into the crowd of fleeing people from the town square.
A small smile found its way onto the face of a young man, his long wavy red hair currently slicked back and stopping at the top of his back, a bright colored short sleeved Hawaiian shirt on the man’s slim frame accompanied by a pair of black slacks and a pair of red sneakers.
A pair of light green eyes stared at the people as they ran in terror and the young man hummed to himself as he moved his hands, as if conducting an invisible orchestra causing chaos to flourish and objects to fly every which way destroying anything they happened to come in contact with.
“Xais!”
The young man lowered his arms and turned to see a man fall from the sky and slam into the earth, he raised his body which was a bit more muscular then Xais’, his short straight black hair neatly combed though his bangs covered part of his purple eyes.
He spread his legs out having gained Xais’ attention the change in his khaki cargo pants rattling as he dug his black shoes into the ground ready to leap forward.
His short sleeved button up shirt was currently unbuttoned revealing his white t-shirt underneath.
“Kenny” Xais said turning fully towards him. “Here to take me back to prison?”
“Of course I am” Kenny said clenching his hand into fists. “Why else would I be here?!”
“Well just try and take me back boy!” Xais exclaimed as Kenny sprinted towards him.
Xais stared at the vertical bars in front of him a small sigh escaping from him as he lied on the uncomfortable bed in his cell.
This place was starting to become a second home to him, he started to wonder if he should hang some paintings on the walls, give the grey stone walls surrounding him a bit of color.
“Almost every day Xais.”
Xais turned towards a very distinct tenor voice to see Kenny standing on the other side of the bars, with him was a young woman holding a notepad.
Xais arched a brow at the new guest especially since women normally avoided coming in these places, it was a men’s prison and the things some of these guys yelled would make a construction worker blush.
He tilted his head a little looking at her long brunette hair which hung to the middle of her back tied in a long braid.
Her caramel skin seemed to contrast heavily with Kenny pale appearance and he noticed her amber eyes currently narrowed in his direction.
She was slim but to Xais didn’t really have much of a figure, but that was mostly personal preference.
Dressed in a red long sleeved shirt and blue jeans with brown mid-calf booties she took a cautious step closer to the bars and opened her mouth before speaking to him.
“My name is Mira, I’ve come to observe you Mr. Xais.”
“…I’m sorry that’s the first time someone’s said that to me, mind repeating that?”
“She’s a Hero in training Xais,” Kenny said deciding to speed up the conversation. “She wants to understand the Villain Psyche, that way she can be a better hero. I’m her teacher for now.”
Kenny hesitated for a moment before speaking again but he did agree to be Mira’s educator and talking Xais into this was going to take a bit of effort.
“She…doesn't have any powers,” Kenny said. “Though it’s not uncommon for people without magic to become Heroes, they have it much harder. A keen knowledge in a Villain’s mindset however will help push her along. Against my judgment she chose you.”
“You’re considered one of the few Super Villains in existence due to the amount of destruction you cause. You’re nationally recognized as a hazard against humanity and magic users,” Mira said which Kenny nodded in agreement too.
“Now before you start,” Kenny said pointing to a red bracelet on Xais’ wrist that let off a small glow, strange lettering was etched onto it that illuminated as Xais held it up slightly. “That Anti-magic bracelet will keep you from using magic; I had them slap it on you even though this place is surrounded by a barrier of it. She wants to see how the world looks at you so you’ll be leaving your cell, I’ll be escorting you.”
“I’ll take anything over this place, lead the way then.”
The bright sunny day which Xais believed he would appreciate after being locked in a dark cell for another day wasn’t as comfortable as he expected, mostly because a rock bounced off the side of his head.
He felt something run down his face and figured it was blood keeping his pace next to Kenny who kept a firm grip on his arm.
Shouts surrounded him on all sides as he heard people yelling at him, throwing all manner of expletives in his direction along with anything they could get their hands on.
Apparently they had heard he was being moved through the city and came to say their peace.
Kenny tried to quell the growing mob of people but his words fell on deaf ears as they continued hurling random items at him and calling him every derogatory term that came to mind.
Mira who was next to him ducked under a thrown shoe and continued to take notes as Xais walked through the main city crowds of people on each side of him.
The police were doing their best to keep the people from getting past but it was clear they were having difficulties in the matter and Kenny rushed them along noticing this as well.
Eventually Kenny got Xais off the main streets and to the northern side of the city which was the suburbs, thankfully the people here mostly just ran inside taking their kids with them instead of throwing things.
“They seem to hate you,” Kenny said.
“It’s not surprising,” Mira said turning a page in her notebook. “One-hundred thousand people killed, millions of dollars in damage, a public menace for eleven months. He should be nothing less than a social pariah.”
“I believe that was sarcasm,” Xais said.
“Oh…sorry I misunderstood,” Mira said writing more information down.
Kenny glanced in Mira’s direction but continued to escort Xais through town as Mira took notes at not only the names and items thrown but also how some ran in fear and the looks they gave Xais as he was paraded through the streets.
Evening fell and Kenny stopped at a public restroom at Xais’ request, he started to move him but he had marched him through most of the city without stopping once, not even for lunch so he felt a bit of guilt, especially since Xais was covered in rotten fruit, bruises and what he hoped was water though it was dumped on him from a window.
“You going to hold my hand or can I go in alone,” Xais said and Kenny pushed him forward.
“Hurry up,” Kenny said before taking a seat on a nearby bench.
Xais walked inside and Mira took a seat next to Kenny on the bench, opening her notebook she flipped through the pages making additional notes under her previous ones.
“This may be a little late but thank you Mira,” Kenny said.
The sudden words caused Mira to look over at Kenny closing her notebook as she arched a brow at him, she wasn’t sure what his thanks were for so she just remained silent figuring he had more to say which seemed to be the case.
“You’re the first person in almost a year to actually ask why Xais is like this,” Kenny said. “He’s not what you imagined right?”
“Not really,” Mira said. “He doesn’t seem like the guy I heard about at all, his eyes are even green not red.”
“Allow me to tell you something no one else will,” Kenny said closing his eyes. “Xais hasn’t taken one life since he became a Villain.”
Kenny looked over at Mira staring at her narrowed eyes a small chuckle escaping him seeing the confusion clearly written on her face.
“You ever heard of false consensus Mira?”
Mira shook her head and Kenny turned back towards the bathroom.
“Simply put everyone believes that everyone else believes Xais is evil thus he’s a bad person to all who know him.”
Kenny folded his hands together his gaze falling to the ground remembering the angry looks on the people faces from earlier.
“That’s not the case,” he said shaking his head. “Xais spread all that information about himself personally. He put that stigma on himself, made himself a Villain…because it’s what we needed.”
Mira set her notebook on the bench as Kenny continued his gaze moving to the bathroom every now and then, making sure Xais couldn’t hear them.
“We became so reliant on magic and Heroes that we stopped paying attention to the dangers of it. Until Xais came along we didn’t even have Anti-magic bracelets. Xais made himself a necessary evil for us.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Mira said. “Xais causes havoc every day and puts people in harm’s way.”
“He lets the people run away before he starts destroying things, normally with some huge speech. He reminds us of the dangers magic can cause, we’ve created Anti-magical barriers, bracelets, buildings all because Xais caused a few problems. If not for him this city would have been destroyed a long time ago, he defeated any Villains that threatened us too pretending he’s just acting as top dog. All Xais has done is protected everyone…but no one bothers to see that”
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
“He asked me not too; said if he was a Villain no one else would need to be.”
Kenny stood up hearing Xais running the sink lowering his voice since he was starting to come out.
“There’s generally more than one answer to how to solve a problem, Xais just chose the complicated one. When you become a Hero one day, don’t forget that not one person in this world is born evil.”
In a small city commonly called Burot from the founder of both magic and the city William Burot.
By what some call dumb luck and others fate William found a small piece of parchment in his new home and when he read the words on it, he found with a snap of his fingers fire would appear and hover in the air.
The city of Burot became popular almost overnight, and as years passed people learned to better control their magic, three years to be precise and humanity was already using magic for the betterment of others.
However for all the good magic brought, it also caused a fair bit of problems the main being others using their new found power with malicious intent.
These people who for lack of a better name were called Villains harnessed their magic and caused destruction and general mayhem wherever they went.
After repetitious harm and suffering especially to those who couldn’t wield magic, people rose up against these villainous fiends and they were called Heroes in response.
A year and a half has passed since Villains appeared and the city of Burot has had its own share of Villains; all of them pale in comparison to the man that torments them now, with little effort he single handedly destroyed all the other Villains naming himself the top dog when it came to the destruction of Burot city.
Even now his first villainous act still echoes in the city, to the world he is a Villain who brings nothing but despair and to the city of Burot he is the only Villain to successful murder another Hero.
The man known only as Xais.
“Run for your lives its Xais!”
A small sedan flew over the head of a man who picked up his daughter in one motion and ran into the crowd of fleeing people from the town square.
A small smile found its way onto the face of a young man, his long wavy red hair currently slicked back and stopping at the top of his back, a bright colored short sleeved Hawaiian shirt on the man’s slim frame accompanied by a pair of black slacks and a pair of red sneakers.
A pair of light green eyes stared at the people as they ran in terror and the young man hummed to himself as he moved his hands, as if conducting an invisible orchestra causing chaos to flourish and objects to fly every which way destroying anything they happened to come in contact with.
“Xais!”
The young man lowered his arms and turned to see a man fall from the sky and slam into the earth, he raised his body which was a bit more muscular then Xais’, his short straight black hair neatly combed though his bangs covered part of his purple eyes.
He spread his legs out having gained Xais’ attention the change in his khaki cargo pants rattling as he dug his black shoes into the ground ready to leap forward.
His short sleeved button up shirt was currently unbuttoned revealing his white t-shirt underneath.
“Kenny” Xais said turning fully towards him. “Here to take me back to prison?”
“Of course I am” Kenny said clenching his hand into fists. “Why else would I be here?!”
“Well just try and take me back boy!” Xais exclaimed as Kenny sprinted towards him.
Xais stared at the vertical bars in front of him a small sigh escaping from him as he lied on the uncomfortable bed in his cell.
This place was starting to become a second home to him, he started to wonder if he should hang some paintings on the walls, give the grey stone walls surrounding him a bit of color.
“Almost every day Xais.”
Xais turned towards a very distinct tenor voice to see Kenny standing on the other side of the bars, with him was a young woman holding a notepad.
Xais arched a brow at the new guest especially since women normally avoided coming in these places, it was a men’s prison and the things some of these guys yelled would make a construction worker blush.
He tilted his head a little looking at her long brunette hair which hung to the middle of her back tied in a long braid.
Her caramel skin seemed to contrast heavily with Kenny pale appearance and he noticed her amber eyes currently narrowed in his direction.
She was slim but to Xais didn’t really have much of a figure, but that was mostly personal preference.
Dressed in a red long sleeved shirt and blue jeans with brown mid-calf booties she took a cautious step closer to the bars and opened her mouth before speaking to him.
“My name is Mira, I’ve come to observe you Mr. Xais.”
“…I’m sorry that’s the first time someone’s said that to me, mind repeating that?”
“She’s a Hero in training Xais,” Kenny said deciding to speed up the conversation. “She wants to understand the Villain Psyche, that way she can be a better hero. I’m her teacher for now.”
Kenny hesitated for a moment before speaking again but he did agree to be Mira’s educator and talking Xais into this was going to take a bit of effort.
“She…doesn't have any powers,” Kenny said. “Though it’s not uncommon for people without magic to become Heroes, they have it much harder. A keen knowledge in a Villain’s mindset however will help push her along. Against my judgment she chose you.”
“You’re considered one of the few Super Villains in existence due to the amount of destruction you cause. You’re nationally recognized as a hazard against humanity and magic users,” Mira said which Kenny nodded in agreement too.
“Now before you start,” Kenny said pointing to a red bracelet on Xais’ wrist that let off a small glow, strange lettering was etched onto it that illuminated as Xais held it up slightly. “That Anti-magic bracelet will keep you from using magic; I had them slap it on you even though this place is surrounded by a barrier of it. She wants to see how the world looks at you so you’ll be leaving your cell, I’ll be escorting you.”
“I’ll take anything over this place, lead the way then.”
The bright sunny day which Xais believed he would appreciate after being locked in a dark cell for another day wasn’t as comfortable as he expected, mostly because a rock bounced off the side of his head.
He felt something run down his face and figured it was blood keeping his pace next to Kenny who kept a firm grip on his arm.
Shouts surrounded him on all sides as he heard people yelling at him, throwing all manner of expletives in his direction along with anything they could get their hands on.
Apparently they had heard he was being moved through the city and came to say their peace.
Kenny tried to quell the growing mob of people but his words fell on deaf ears as they continued hurling random items at him and calling him every derogatory term that came to mind.
Mira who was next to him ducked under a thrown shoe and continued to take notes as Xais walked through the main city crowds of people on each side of him.
The police were doing their best to keep the people from getting past but it was clear they were having difficulties in the matter and Kenny rushed them along noticing this as well.
Eventually Kenny got Xais off the main streets and to the northern side of the city which was the suburbs, thankfully the people here mostly just ran inside taking their kids with them instead of throwing things.
“They seem to hate you,” Kenny said.
“It’s not surprising,” Mira said turning a page in her notebook. “One-hundred thousand people killed, millions of dollars in damage, a public menace for eleven months. He should be nothing less than a social pariah.”
“I believe that was sarcasm,” Xais said.
“Oh…sorry I misunderstood,” Mira said writing more information down.
Kenny glanced in Mira’s direction but continued to escort Xais through town as Mira took notes at not only the names and items thrown but also how some ran in fear and the looks they gave Xais as he was paraded through the streets.
Evening fell and Kenny stopped at a public restroom at Xais’ request, he started to move him but he had marched him through most of the city without stopping once, not even for lunch so he felt a bit of guilt, especially since Xais was covered in rotten fruit, bruises and what he hoped was water though it was dumped on him from a window.
“You going to hold my hand or can I go in alone,” Xais said and Kenny pushed him forward.
“Hurry up,” Kenny said before taking a seat on a nearby bench.
Xais walked inside and Mira took a seat next to Kenny on the bench, opening her notebook she flipped through the pages making additional notes under her previous ones.
“This may be a little late but thank you Mira,” Kenny said.
The sudden words caused Mira to look over at Kenny closing her notebook as she arched a brow at him, she wasn’t sure what his thanks were for so she just remained silent figuring he had more to say which seemed to be the case.
“You’re the first person in almost a year to actually ask why Xais is like this,” Kenny said. “He’s not what you imagined right?”
“Not really,” Mira said. “He doesn’t seem like the guy I heard about at all, his eyes are even green not red.”
“Allow me to tell you something no one else will,” Kenny said closing his eyes. “Xais hasn’t taken one life since he became a Villain.”
Kenny looked over at Mira staring at her narrowed eyes a small chuckle escaping him seeing the confusion clearly written on her face.
“You ever heard of false consensus Mira?”
Mira shook her head and Kenny turned back towards the bathroom.
“Simply put everyone believes that everyone else believes Xais is evil thus he’s a bad person to all who know him.”
Kenny folded his hands together his gaze falling to the ground remembering the angry looks on the people faces from earlier.
“That’s not the case,” he said shaking his head. “Xais spread all that information about himself personally. He put that stigma on himself, made himself a Villain…because it’s what we needed.”
Mira set her notebook on the bench as Kenny continued his gaze moving to the bathroom every now and then, making sure Xais couldn’t hear them.
“We became so reliant on magic and Heroes that we stopped paying attention to the dangers of it. Until Xais came along we didn’t even have Anti-magic bracelets. Xais made himself a necessary evil for us.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Mira said. “Xais causes havoc every day and puts people in harm’s way.”
“He lets the people run away before he starts destroying things, normally with some huge speech. He reminds us of the dangers magic can cause, we’ve created Anti-magical barriers, bracelets, buildings all because Xais caused a few problems. If not for him this city would have been destroyed a long time ago, he defeated any Villains that threatened us too pretending he’s just acting as top dog. All Xais has done is protected everyone…but no one bothers to see that”
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
“He asked me not too; said if he was a Villain no one else would need to be.”
Kenny stood up hearing Xais running the sink lowering his voice since he was starting to come out.
“There’s generally more than one answer to how to solve a problem, Xais just chose the complicated one. When you become a Hero one day, don’t forget that not one person in this world is born evil.”
1
By what some call dumb luck and others fate William found a small piece of parchment in his new home and when he read the words on it, he found with a snap of his fingers fire would appear and hover in the air.
If it's a new home in a city he founded, then how is there an old piece of parchment in there that holds the key to long forgotten magic?
“That Anti-magic bracelet will keep you from using magic;
It sounds like Xais has been in and out of prison a lot. Why have that not put one of these bracelets on him before?
He felt something run down his face and figured it was blood keeping his pace next to Kenny who kept a firm grip on his arm.
This sentence . . . there's something wrong about it.
“One-hundred thousand people killed, millions of dollars in damage, a public menace for eleven months. He should be nothing less than a social pariah.”
“I believe that was sarcasm,” Xais said.
“I believe that was sarcasm,” Xais said.
I know from reading through the whole story that Xais hasn't actually done anything bad and that they keep him around to remind people of the threat posed by magic, but if he's being set-up as a mass murdering asshole, hasn't anyone wondered why he hasn't been executed yet?
“He lets the people run away before he starts destroying things, normally with some huge speech. He reminds us of the dangers magic can cause, we’ve created Anti-magical barriers, bracelets, buildings all because Xais caused a few problems. If not for him this city would have been destroyed a long time ago, he defeated any Villains that threatened us too pretending he’s just acting as top dog. All Xais has done is protected everyone…but no one bothers to see that”
I'm finding it really hard to believe that no one has noticed he hasn't killed anyone besides Villains.
Getting all that out of the way, it is a delightful little story. The plot holes can be partially forgiven due to the length limit and the fact that they mostly involve things that you had to get out of the way to get to the meat of the story, but they're still there and I just can't bring my self to ignore them entirely.
1
El Chacal
FAKKU Writer
Nejik wrote...
Magic changed everything.This was a great opening line. It grabs the readers attention right away and makes him want to read more.
Unfortunatly, you follow it up with way too much exposition.
Way, way too much exposition.
You're too worried about explainning everything to the reader in one sitting, and it's just too much to take in.
Instead of explainning what's going on, you should take a more interesting approach.
You should show what's going on. Many writers assume that their readers are complete idiots that can't put 2 and 2 together and thus feel the urge to take them by the hand and explain everything. I get it that you want to tell us about this great little world you've created, but there are better ways to accomplish this.
Dialogue, for example, is a great way of doing it.
If you really feel the need to properly inform the reader of what's going on, make two (or more) characters talk about it in a casual way. This can be a bit tricky, but there are many great writers who've done this masterfully and you can learn a lot from them just by examining a few of their works.
George R. R. Martin is a great example of this. If you haven't read Game of Thrones yet, you should do so immediatly. If you have, read it again, but this time, focus on the way that he fills you in on what's going on in his world.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
El Chacal wrote...
Nejik wrote...
Magic changed everything.This was a great opening line. It grabs the readers attention right away and makes him want to read more.
Unfortunatly, you follow it up with way too much exposition.
Way, way too much exposition.
You're too worried about explainning everything to the reader in one sitting, and it's just too much to take in.
Instead of explainning what's going on, you should take a more interesting approach.
You should show what's going on. Many writers assume that their readers are complete idiots that can't put 2 and 2 together and thus feel the urge to take them by the hand and explain everything. I get it that you want to tell us about this great little world you've created, but there are better ways to accomplish this.
Dialogue, for example, is a great way of doing it.
If you really feel the need to properly inform the reader of what's going on, make two (or more) characters talk about it in a casual way. This can be a bit tricky, but there are many great writers who've done this masterfully and you can learn a lot from them just by examining a few of their works.
George R. R. Martin is a great example of this. If you haven't read Game of Thrones yet, you should do so immediatly. If you have, read it again, but this time, focus on the way that he fills you in on what's going on in his world.
I enjoyed the exposition. If I don't know what is going on in the story, how can I enjoy it? Would discourage Nejik from reading the Game of Thrones, by the way which I disliked. I disagree that many writers assume that readers are idiots. It is the other way round. Too few writers assume that readers are idiots. (And that in my book is a bad thing) Books in the past tend not to have that problem.
And why is assuming that the reader is an idiot a bad thing? The world that is introduced in this story is completely alien to us. Leaving the reader to guess what is going on in a world which we are unfamiliar with is too demanding for me. Your entry, Blood and Absinthe, contained quite a lot of exposition which I enjoyed. It did not impede me from enjoying the story. On the contrary, it was one of the crucial factors that made me enjoy the story. That exposition was fortunately dialogue-free.
(This dislike of third person exposition really tempts me to recommend the Lord of the Rings prologue which is purely exposition.)
Explaining what happened via dialogue against instead of a monologue has to be one of the most confusing ways to tell a story. The characters know what they are talking about so they wouldn't bother with exposition. Furthermore, it is very difficult to keep up with dialogue since fragmented sentences are used and it keeps on switching to and fro between characters.
Show not tell applies to movies and acting. I don't think it really applies to the written word where the only medium of communication is text. Movies on the other hand can employ imagery, body language and so on, something that writing doesn't possess.
I can tell you that Martin's magnum opus was too much for me to take in. The non-prologue was so confusing that I dropped the book in disgust and went for the better written chapter summaries.
You may have read this:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/summer-2014-leonard267-hates-a-game-of-throness-prologue-114426
0
Thank you all for taking the time to comment.
d(^_^)(^_^)d- No worries on pointing out the plot holes some of them I actually didn't catch(the mansion one specifically), there was a bit more meat to the story but I actually overshot the limit by...well a very large amount and had to trim it a bit.
I should have taken more time to polish it but I was worried I wouldn't get it in time.
I can answer at least three of the questions, the strange sentence I can't do however I'm not sure how to change that, perhaps the wording?
Anyway Xais hasn't been executed due to Kenny's interference, (the concept was with the appearance of Villains, some Heroes were opposed to executing them which raised a whole other social subject that would have left even more questions)
For the Bracelet due to the Anti-magic barrier surrounding the entire prison they considered it unnecessary, since to their knowledge Xais has gotten out without magic.
Kenny tired of this put the Bracelet on him and personally came to visit him.
(Which should have been put in, another fault of mine).
The killing there's nothing for that I missed that one, kind of silly now that I think about it a bit.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, thank you for your input. I'll have to keep a closer watch on that.
El Chacal I appreciate offering me an alternate way of explaining the story but I'm with Leonard on this one.
It may not be for everyone but I try to avoid explaining certain details of the world through conversation.
I did so in the past and...it turned out pretty bad.
Think of a conversation similar too-
"Man did you hear about that meteor that fell three years ago today, that's some mad stuff."
"I know right."
It just seemed...off to me but I've seen it used before and some are better at it then me, I'm just personally more comfortable with exposition on certain explanations.
Thank you for taking the time to add your opinion though, I extend it to you as well Leonard
d(^_^)(^_^)d- No worries on pointing out the plot holes some of them I actually didn't catch(the mansion one specifically), there was a bit more meat to the story but I actually overshot the limit by...well a very large amount and had to trim it a bit.
I should have taken more time to polish it but I was worried I wouldn't get it in time.
I can answer at least three of the questions, the strange sentence I can't do however I'm not sure how to change that, perhaps the wording?
Anyway Xais hasn't been executed due to Kenny's interference, (the concept was with the appearance of Villains, some Heroes were opposed to executing them which raised a whole other social subject that would have left even more questions)
For the Bracelet due to the Anti-magic barrier surrounding the entire prison they considered it unnecessary, since to their knowledge Xais has gotten out without magic.
Kenny tired of this put the Bracelet on him and personally came to visit him.
(Which should have been put in, another fault of mine).
The killing there's nothing for that I missed that one, kind of silly now that I think about it a bit.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, thank you for your input. I'll have to keep a closer watch on that.
El Chacal I appreciate offering me an alternate way of explaining the story but I'm with Leonard on this one.
It may not be for everyone but I try to avoid explaining certain details of the world through conversation.
I did so in the past and...it turned out pretty bad.
Think of a conversation similar too-
"Man did you hear about that meteor that fell three years ago today, that's some mad stuff."
"I know right."
It just seemed...off to me but I've seen it used before and some are better at it then me, I'm just personally more comfortable with exposition on certain explanations.
Thank you for taking the time to add your opinion though, I extend it to you as well Leonard
0
That was an enjoyable read. I noticed bunches of plot holes that d(^_^)(^_^)d pointed out, so I kinda guess the ending. This story was similar to something that I have read or watched, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
You have included a lot of exposition at the beginning of the story, which I think was good and there's nothing wrong with it. One thing is that, after I read through the first part, I imagine a medieval town like what you would have in a typical JRPG. But after wards I read to the part depicting the characters' clothes, then I realize it's kind of a more modern society, more closely inspired by the current world than a cliche old-aged magic-filled monster-inhabited imaginary fairy-and-dwarves world. If you have gone your way out to include such a detailed exposition, then you might as well make clear to the reader about the time frame of the story.
The characters are good, though they can use more background development. I blame the word limit. Don't know why, but I think of characters in King of Fighters when I read your story, haha.
One thing I really want to criticize is your wording. It reads really weird and unnatural to me, especially in the first part of the story. The way you construct your sentences and your choices of words, I have to say, it's not how it would be written if it were written by a native English speaker. So, I strongly advise you to work on that. You can start by making shorter sentences, since I noticed in your entry, you used a lot of long sentences which contains more than two clauses. Combine that with your wording, you create a mixture of perfect confusion for the readers to fully grasp the idea of your work.
At last words, I'd say your story was quite nice, I enjoyed it. But, like every one else, it could use more work. Good luck in the contest.
You have included a lot of exposition at the beginning of the story, which I think was good and there's nothing wrong with it. One thing is that, after I read through the first part, I imagine a medieval town like what you would have in a typical JRPG. But after wards I read to the part depicting the characters' clothes, then I realize it's kind of a more modern society, more closely inspired by the current world than a cliche old-aged magic-filled monster-inhabited imaginary fairy-and-dwarves world. If you have gone your way out to include such a detailed exposition, then you might as well make clear to the reader about the time frame of the story.
The characters are good, though they can use more background development. I blame the word limit. Don't know why, but I think of characters in King of Fighters when I read your story, haha.
One thing I really want to criticize is your wording. It reads really weird and unnatural to me, especially in the first part of the story. The way you construct your sentences and your choices of words, I have to say, it's not how it would be written if it were written by a native English speaker. So, I strongly advise you to work on that. You can start by making shorter sentences, since I noticed in your entry, you used a lot of long sentences which contains more than two clauses. Combine that with your wording, you create a mixture of perfect confusion for the readers to fully grasp the idea of your work.
At last words, I'd say your story was quite nice, I enjoyed it. But, like every one else, it could use more work. Good luck in the contest.
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Nejik wrote...
I can answer at least three of the questions, the strange sentence I can't do however I'm not sure how to change that, perhaps the wording?It depends on what you're trying say with the sentence.
He felt something run down his face and figured it was blood keeping his pace next to Kenny who kept a firm grip on his arm.
The way this sentence is now, it sounds as if the blood running down his face is what's helping Xais keep up with Kenny. I think what you're trying to say is Xais feels blood running down his face, and Kenny is keeping a firm grip on his arm so he doesn't lag behind. If that is the case, you should split this into two sentences.
. . . there was a bit more meat to the story but I actually overshot the limit by...well a very large amount and had to trim it a bit.
I should have taken more time to polish it but I was worried I wouldn't get it in time.
I should have taken more time to polish it but I was worried I wouldn't get it in time.
It happens. Just take what you've learned and apply it to the next time around.
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While it have already been said, you explain far too much, it kills the story's momentum completely. Take for example this passage:
After repetitious harm and suffering especially to those who couldn’t wield magic, people rose up against these villainous fiends and they were called Heroes in response.
A year and a half has passed since Villains appeared and the city of Burot has had its own share of Villains; all of them pale in comparison to the man that torments them now, with little effort he single handedly destroyed all the other Villains naming himself the top dog when it came to the destruction of Burot city.
Even now his first villainous act still echoes in the city, to the world he is a Villain who brings nothing but despair and to the city of Burot he is the only Villain to successful murder another Hero.
The man known only as Xais.
This is a prime example of killing the momentum, the premise is good: Heroes rising up against evil mages, however the way it is explained you start to yawn half-way through which is sad, it needs action. While I am no expert in short stories, I will try to make a rewrite of the quote I made, to explain what I mean:
"In response to increasing cruelty of the Villains, people rose up against them, not only with magic, but with steel in hand and rallying cries of justice! These people became known as Heroes as their bravery knew no bounds.
The city of Burot has been plagued by Villains for the past year and a half. Only one remains. He currently spreads his reign of terror throughout Burot. To ensure total control he slaughtered all that could think of opposing him, succesfully killing every single Villain and the Heroes that stood against him. To the world he is known as: Xais, the bringer of despair."
While there is much to be improved in what I wrote, it still serves the point of illustrating my point (I hope). The essence of the two sections are the same, but where your writing goes like: "This happened, then this happened, then that happened, due to that this happened." (Sorry, but that is how it feels to read it, not very exciting). Instead I tried to make it more lively.
The premise for a good story is here, but it is the writing that stops it from reaching its potential.
Nejik wrote...
After repetitious harm and suffering especially to those who couldn’t wield magic, people rose up against these villainous fiends and they were called Heroes in response.
A year and a half has passed since Villains appeared and the city of Burot has had its own share of Villains; all of them pale in comparison to the man that torments them now, with little effort he single handedly destroyed all the other Villains naming himself the top dog when it came to the destruction of Burot city.
Even now his first villainous act still echoes in the city, to the world he is a Villain who brings nothing but despair and to the city of Burot he is the only Villain to successful murder another Hero.
The man known only as Xais.
This is a prime example of killing the momentum, the premise is good: Heroes rising up against evil mages, however the way it is explained you start to yawn half-way through which is sad, it needs action. While I am no expert in short stories, I will try to make a rewrite of the quote I made, to explain what I mean:
"In response to increasing cruelty of the Villains, people rose up against them, not only with magic, but with steel in hand and rallying cries of justice! These people became known as Heroes as their bravery knew no bounds.
The city of Burot has been plagued by Villains for the past year and a half. Only one remains. He currently spreads his reign of terror throughout Burot. To ensure total control he slaughtered all that could think of opposing him, succesfully killing every single Villain and the Heroes that stood against him. To the world he is known as: Xais, the bringer of despair."
While there is much to be improved in what I wrote, it still serves the point of illustrating my point (I hope). The essence of the two sections are the same, but where your writing goes like: "This happened, then this happened, then that happened, due to that this happened." (Sorry, but that is how it feels to read it, not very exciting). Instead I tried to make it more lively.
The premise for a good story is here, but it is the writing that stops it from reaching its potential.
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i kinda agreed with El Chacal about too much going on for me to digest. simply because i'm not a big fan of too much descriptions. maybe, instead of telling us in detail their figures, shapes and such you can just cut the case and tell us what's happening in general.
when there's clutter of texts about the details and stuff, I just always skip them, rather than imagining them, which is about too much work for me. I just wanna see what's happening and let my own imagination create the big picture about it. if you can somehow cut things off, it will give readers like me an easier time.
there was quite a bit of sentences which i have to read a bunch of times before finally getting a gist on its meaning, even then, i couldn't fully understand it, could only make some wild guesses.
didn't read it to the end and understand the story's meaning enough to give my thoughts about. i can say it's well-written to some extent, but not those i can really understand about.
when there's clutter of texts about the details and stuff, I just always skip them, rather than imagining them, which is about too much work for me. I just wanna see what's happening and let my own imagination create the big picture about it. if you can somehow cut things off, it will give readers like me an easier time.
there was quite a bit of sentences which i have to read a bunch of times before finally getting a gist on its meaning, even then, i couldn't fully understand it, could only make some wild guesses.
didn't read it to the end and understand the story's meaning enough to give my thoughts about. i can say it's well-written to some extent, but not those i can really understand about.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
high_time wrote...
i kinda agreed with El Chacal about too much going on for me to digest. simply because i'm not a big fan of too much descriptions. maybe, instead of telling us in detail their figures, shapes and such you can just cut the case and tell us what's happening in general. when there's clutter of texts about the details and stuff, I just always skip them, rather than imagining them, which is about too much work for me. I just wanna see what's happening and let my own imagination create the big picture about it. if you can somehow cut things off, it will give readers like me an easier time.
there was quite a bit of sentences which i have to read a bunch of times before finally getting a gist on its meaning, even then, i couldn't fully understand it, could only make some wild guesses.
didn't read it to the end and understand the story's meaning enough to give my thoughts about. i can say it's well-written to some extent, but not those i can really understand about.
Come on high. It wasn't that difficult to read. It reminded of what I wrote roughly a year ago. It is a parody of the winning entry of the Winter 2013 competition.
Spoiler: