[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Deception

Deception

We wear a mask to fool ourselves
Lies are all we tell
We train to do it well
The bitter contemplation of peers
Forces us to hide our fears
Lulled asleep by social comformity
We hide where one cannot see
In the darkness of our heart
We slowly fall apart
The mask is cracked
And now you're here
Exposed, and filled with fear
Reality starts to bite
Losing your will to fight
Lies created an empty shell
Hiding your personal hell
The mess you made is all your own
Abandoned, on the liar's throne
No one trusts a word you say
Averting gazes day by day
We wear a mask to fool ourselves
But in the end
It creates our hell

You got it right am glad I was succesful in conveying the message I was hoping for.

At first you use pronouns such as we, our, and us, but then halfway through you switch to you. And at the end, you switch back to our. Is there a reason behind this?

I think this poem would be stronger if you broke it down into three stanzas rather than presenting as one big block.

I totally see the message in this. I had the advantage of reading NessaVerne's comment beforehand, but I think I would have gotten it even if I hadn't.

The reason I change between personal and group referals is quite simple, it is to emphasize that it is something we all do, including the reader. Normally when you read the word "our" it does not feel as personal as being refered to directly with "your", the switch is made so the last our feels more powerful than the first. It serves the purpose of gradually sucking you into the poem during the process of reading it, while switching back to our in the end to make the reader distance themselves and think about the big picture.

Regarding the big block vs. three stanzas: It is a personal stylistic choice, I prefer the big blocks, unless I specifically go for a well-structured rhyme and rythm. Most of the poetry I write is in free form. Yes, I do include certain rhymes and rythm, but if I broke it up in this, there would be a miss match in the rythm department due to different amount of vowels in each line.

No, not really. It just makes me go, "What the hell? Why did he switch between first and second person?" But then again, I guess not everyone is OCD about grammar and stuff.



I would have been okay with the whole thing being in second person except for at the end. First to second, and then back to first seems unnecessary.



Vowels? What does that have to do with rhyming?

I guess the change did not work as intended then, it worked in my mind, but there is nothing grammatical incorrect about changing between our and your between the lines, since they are basically new sentences. All I can say is that it apparently did not work as intended from your point of view.

About the vowels: Vowels do have something to do with rhyming, however that was not what I mentioned; I talked about the rythm. If we as an example have 4 lines of text and first line got 3 vowels, second got 11 vowels, third got 7 vowels, and fourth got 6 vowels. Even if the lines rhymed as ABAB, the rythm would be odd and sound slightly off. If all the following lines got a mismatch of vowels as well, then there would be no overall rythm. By breaking a poem into more stanzas, normally you would want the stanzas to be equal in size and have the same rythm to add consistency to the poem. However, by keeping it in one block in free form I can circumvent that. While you might not like it, I prefer to use free form for my poetry as I feel that it is easier to express myself like that. I do admit that I use a great deal of "artistic liberty" when creating free form poetry as that type of poetry is not as well defined as for example: Haiku, and limerick.

I hope this helped clearing things up, but if you feel like my reply is inadequate, feel free to ask for elaborations.

You sure you're not thinking of syllables? Because I have never heard of the number of vowels in a line affecting rhyme.

Isn't a syllable just the sound of a vowel, which means that the number of vowels is directly correlated to the number of syllables? With English being my second language there might be a distinction there I have missed. It is perfectly plausible that you are correct and the term I should have used was syllable, but I think they are interchangeable in this context, I might be wrong though.

I never stopped to think about it much, but I suppose you're right for the most part. It's just weird. When talking about rhyming, I usually hear people talk in terms of syllables, not vowels.

i guess the poem covers one of the most interesting topics to me. it's really easy for me to relate to the contents since it's also the thing i tend to contemplate alot. about what i really want to do, regardless how society view it as a whole. what i wanna be, and how i wanna do things. regardless of it's acceptable or not, that doesn't really matter in the end.

it kinda took a view of self-honesty and independence in a different way. for me, i usually write about the it directly in some exposition narrative manner. with the difference being, this poem was (in my opinion) about the effect of not listening to your own callings, and for me, it's more about the cause of why i should walk my own path of belief.

well, a lot of interpretations can be made with this based on the reader, and the theme of this contest sure gives a warm welcome to introspective stories and such, hahaha. good work on this by the way.

so positive aspects: i like how you explore the duality of social conformity

the constructive criticism: although this duality is explored, there are discrepancies in thought towards this duality:the voice complains about the negative aspects of conformity, while enjoying its positive aspects... at the end of the day that kind of thinking only makes the person a hypocrite: its basically like a slut saying sex is bad

We wear a mask to fool ourselves[we actually wear masks to fool others]
Lies are all we tell[lies aren't all we tell--is this all a lie? i doubt it]
We train to do it well[i dont think we train ourselves but more so its just reinforced in our daily interactions]
The bitter contemplation of peers[contemplation? don't you mean judgments? if no one says what they think then no one gets hurt at the end of the day]
Forces us to hide our fears [ourselves, not just fears]
Lulled asleep by social comformity [how are we lulled asleep??? i thought u were talking about the self-destructiveness of social conformity]
We hide where one cannot see [whos one? and who's we?]
In the darkness of our heart [our heart? so you're only saying this assuming that people will back you and understand]
We slowly fall apart [says who? why we?]
The mask is cracked [cracks]
And now you're here [and now i'm here]
Exposed, and filled with fear
Reality starts to bite
Losing your will to fight [the will]
Lies created an empty shell [why is it empty, and how do lies create this state?]
Hiding your personal hell [hiding your personal hell?????]
The mess you made is all your own
Abandoned, on the liar's throne
No one trusts a word you say
Averting gazes day by day
We wear a mask to fool ourselves [others]
But in the end
It creates our hell[your hell.. everyone isn't you.... in my life i've had worse rock bottoms]

First things first. This is a generalized poem about putting up a front and hiding who you really are, doing things you dislike. This is basically about being a hypocrite.

Now, to avoid confusion I have added answers in bold in this qoute:


There are many layers in this poem and the full understanding of the poem might take a while to get. It is made to make the reader ponder over how we live our lives. Depending on your own view of life you will reach a different understanding of the poem. There is a reason for the choice of words, even if they might seem odd at first there is a deeper meaning to them.

I may or may not have succeeded, and I appreciate your criticism. I hope this cleared some things up. I tried to answer your criticism within the context of your question, but feel free to ask away if I did not fully satisfy your curiousity.

Interpreting (and writing) poems is the least of my abilities as a writer, but I have to say that your poem is very straightforward and not a pain for me to interpret. Whether that is a good or a bad thing is up for you to decide. But for me that is a good thing, for I may have to search every nook and cranny of my brains for days as to know what is it that you are trying to convey.I have not much knowledge in poem making (stanzas count and all that), but I do not regard that great poems needs words chosen to fit in a syllable limit that it ruins the message it tries to convey. Well done.

Your poem was a nice change of pace since I have been reading other 2000-words stories all night.

In terms of the content of the poem, it was clear to understand what you were trying to get across to the readers. But, I also feel it was somewhat too clear. You wrote them in a very easily understandable English, so it didn't take me long to think about the message of the poem. I don't read that much poetry in English, but in my first language, poems usually have a subtle message that is hidden in fancy words, sometimes it's not that fancy, but they do have lots and lots of layers. Whereas, I don't feel so when reading yours, it basically spoon-feed the message to the readers.

That is not to say I don't appreciate your work. I think writing a poem requires more work than writing a short prose, and I admire you for that. Anyway, good luck in the contest. If you have time, please also check out mine.

Thank you. It is not a bad thing if the message is easy to grasp, I see no point in making obscure references and metaphors for the sake of doing it. For me poetry is about invoking feelings and making the reader think. When I called this a poem with many layers earlier is it because it can be interpreted in more than one way depending on how you read it.



I do not really feel like I spoon-fed the message. It is clear that it is about how you lie to yourself in order to get accepted socially and being unable to show your true self.


A poem does not need fancy words and to be hard to understand. Being easy to read also makes it easier to remember and recall, thus it will make you think more about it in the long run. Sure, you do not have to sit down for two hours trying to figure out what the hell I meant with that verse. As I mentioned earlier I feel no need to make things more complicated than they need to be. I am not trying to prove that I know every word in the Oxford English dictionary and am able to use them for complex metaphors that baffle your brain and make you look up half the words. What I personally aim for is something complex, but simple, powerful, but subtle. It needs to convey its message in a beautiful and convincing manner. I created this style due to the fact that I write song lyrics for the band I play in, so I get my fix for stanza poetry there.

I might not have achieved the wanted effect with this poem and I appreciate your input. Another thing we all need to remember is that the language change over time, which can make older poetry seem more complex due to the words used then are different from now. I will try to keep in mind that I might give too little credit to the reader and thus making my poetry far too simple. However, I am afraid it wwill lose a bit of its "energy" if I make it too complex.

Also, don't worry I will get to your work eventually, but there is so much to read...

I'm sorry if I came out somewhat rude. What I was trying to say is, personally, I think when the message is being delivered in such a simple way, it can somewhat seems bland. Maybe it could use something more thought-provoking. I wasn't comparing your poem with older poems where they use old English. It's just that, when you read a masterfully done poem, however easy it is to read or the other way around, it's always make the readers really think about the message in the poem. Your poem though, I feel has not quite yet achieved that. And don't get me wrong, I don't think using fancy words is a good thing on its own. One thing I dislike the most when I used to read Romeo and Juliet was that I couldn't read half a sentence without looking down into the notes explaining words below the poem. I hate having to look up words in a dictionary when I read a story. It's the way that they use the words, it creates good effects, so it make the poem powerful. I think it's even more admirable if one can achieve that with simpler words.

I do not think you came out as rude, so there was no offence taken, I have a habit of just speaking (writing) what is on my mind myself, so I sometimes come off as rude too. I appreciate the feedback and I will take it into consideration when writing poetry in the future. I did misunderstand what you meant when speaking of fancier language. Oh, and I will continue to try and improve myself if possible, but I still want to attain a style I can call truely my own, being a copycat is something I would never want to be called, so I can be seen as quite protective of my work (which can be for the better or worse depending on the context).


And to all that read and critiqued my poem, thank you for taking your time!

Yes, of course. I have stated this in d(^_^)(^_^)d's entry recently: I think every writer should have a writing style of his own. It's just that every writers should also consider readers' opinions and criticisms for later work.



No problem, the least I could do as a fellow writer and a fellow contestant.

Never been a big fan of poems but I love when things rhyme!
Also that theme is one of my favourite~ *___* Nice job making cool rhymes about a super interesting theme ~