[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Taint of Remorse
3
It was a Friday nightfall, a cool winter breeze an the early dark arrived. In a rural South American pueblo was a Christmas celebration. A big meal provided by the church - pork, rice, pasta, and sweets covered tables with a hungry beeline beside it. The churchbells rang and the voices bounced with laughter and the spirit of Christ. The church was full and with a show about to start, small kids dressed in angel costumes were excited for what some were their first show. Yanitza sat there, a twenty-two year old girl cross-faced, her sour-looking boyfriend, Lou, of 27 sitting on an opposite bench, who hadn't yet finished high. In between was Samuel - a new kid from the Christian youth group, in his aging eighteens, he had come out of curiosity, curiosity should be considered a sin.
The first person Samuel met was Yanitza, she behaved like a little girl in front of him, looking at him and then away, he felt she was trying him to see if he was one of the poor fools who go into search in search for soulmate, and so he just feigned obliviousness to her flutters and small comments. She teased him, but she made it all too obvious - like a childs lie. She small talked a bit, then some more, and then she told him she had a boyfriend out of the blue, and somehow so begins our story. Lou, what could I say about him? He was spaced, he seemed in a way retarded, and most important of all- predictable. Samuel felt a connection to Lou the moment he saw him a next week after that first day. He felt above all- pity, for he saw a dead piece of himself reflected on that man.
Back to the present - Yanitza told Samuel, "Let's go somewhere else, I have something to tell you"
and so they went to a different pillar, and Lou tagged along like a hound to it's master.
"I fought with Lou this week, I'm tired of him, I don't love him no more"
"He's still a good man, and everyone has their flaws" - he whispered back
"Yeah but he doesn't listen to me"
"I like to remain neutral, I don't take sides, he's just lacking maturity in some areas, other guys lack maturity in other areas that Lou doesn't lack. Get it?"
"Yeah, but everything I tell him, he feigns not hearing them"
She just sighed and looked around, Lou got a little bit closer.
"Take your phone out, I gotta write something"
Samuel pulled it out and she wrote on his phone, slowly
"If Lou wasn't my boyfriend, I would've chosen you"
Samuel's heart raced, his knew he was going to be used as a tool, but his body told him to reply.
"That's nice"
"The moment I saw you, I fell in love with you"
It seemed like a soap opera, probably from all the ones she watches. His danger sense told him 'don't-don't-don't', and he wouldn't listen.
"I like you too" - he'd never said a bigger lie.
He handed her his phone, they gazed into each others eyes, and then he took it back, he let his impulse run him
"Would you be my girlfriend?"
"Yes"
He felt red, sick, and fearful, he felt he was going to take on a giant for a prize he didn't really want, but he went on with willpower and stupidity, as we all do when we make our choices. The deed was starting, he felt a weight on his chest, and a feeling of wanting to vomit.
"Lou, come over here, I gotta tell you something."
Lou came around dragging his feet, and sat beside him with force.
"Sometimes, we people begin love, both people love each other, and then it becomes a one-sided romance. Why? Because love dies too, like a plant. Some plants are annual, others are perennial."
"Yeah, but I give her gifts, I buy her clothes, food, take her out, and I even got her a two-hundred dollar ring I still haven't given her"
"But it's not the big gifts that count- but also the tiny ones like the icecream around the corner- you know, small details."
"I give her all of that, I always do,"- and with that Lou went mumbling and his voice had begun to turn shakey.
"You just have to tell me if you understand- yes or no?"
A long pause came by. Samuel pat Lou's back, knowing full well of his betrayal, he knew everything he was doing was wrong.
Yanitza had appeared just as much as she'd dissapeared, but she'd heard everything. She got on her knees right in front of Lou, I can't forget that moment, it made me think of a sex scene. She looked like she was going to apologize, but instead she started frying him-
"Lou, you never- ever listen to me, you're always with the damn phone, and always -"
"But I changed, baby, I changed"
"No you don't- you never do"
"I gave my phone to my sister for three weeks, I told her to not give it back to me and she didn't,-"
The church choir sang and drowned them too much for Samuel to hear. She stormed away, and he was left alone again with Lou.
Lou glared his eyes onto him, he didn't feel his crimson go back to white, but instead felt a rush to finish what he started.
"I want to ask you two questions."
"Sure, ask me anything"- Samuel replied trying to keep a gentle tone.
"Do you like Yani?"
"I find her pretty, otherwise you wouldn't've been with her, but no."
Lou looked him straight to the eye, something ever rare of him - his pupils large enveloped with a glistening green iris which rested upon his tear reddened eyes.
"One more thing, and I don't want you to think bad of me"
"I wont"
"Do you want to be Yanitza's boyfriend?"
"No, I don't."
He felt his heart tainted a dark black, he felt so many voices going through his head, all the good advice he'd been given was going down the drain, and it mattered nothing anymore, for all he was caring was for the insult.
He passed his hand on Lou's shoulder, he felt a new man inside himself, one with no emotion at all, and he sent the final blow, for an idea hit him- he would plant an idea, and ideas are dangerous things.
"Lou, I know you, and you're a good person, you remind me of my friend. Wanna know what happened to my friend? He cut his arm, he slit his veins one day, and it was all over. I see my friend in you, and that's why I got close to you."
"That's what I want to do somedays, I put my gun on my head, I wish I could pull the trigger, but I don't"
Samuels head spinned, 'gun' - a retarded man with a gun, he felt dread at that moment, what if he came over to his house? They lived nearby, why couldn't he? He benefitted in two ways but fell in one - first is that he now knew that Lou had a gun, and then that Lou had been considering suicide, but - a man willing to kill himself normally kills others with him, and he could do that too.
Kids and old men showed the birth of Jesus Christ- the newborn was held in virgin Mary's arm, or an empty towel rather.
The music played and the people sang - Lou got up and went to chase after Yanitza again.
Samuel rested besides a wooden truss and his head started spinning. People often say "If only I had known better, I wouln't have done that", but he knew now- that ain't true - even if we knew what was about to happen, we would continue anyway- disregarding the consequences. We only learn by hitting our faces against the wall.
The first person Samuel met was Yanitza, she behaved like a little girl in front of him, looking at him and then away, he felt she was trying him to see if he was one of the poor fools who go into search in search for soulmate, and so he just feigned obliviousness to her flutters and small comments. She teased him, but she made it all too obvious - like a childs lie. She small talked a bit, then some more, and then she told him she had a boyfriend out of the blue, and somehow so begins our story. Lou, what could I say about him? He was spaced, he seemed in a way retarded, and most important of all- predictable. Samuel felt a connection to Lou the moment he saw him a next week after that first day. He felt above all- pity, for he saw a dead piece of himself reflected on that man.
Back to the present - Yanitza told Samuel, "Let's go somewhere else, I have something to tell you"
and so they went to a different pillar, and Lou tagged along like a hound to it's master.
"I fought with Lou this week, I'm tired of him, I don't love him no more"
"He's still a good man, and everyone has their flaws" - he whispered back
"Yeah but he doesn't listen to me"
"I like to remain neutral, I don't take sides, he's just lacking maturity in some areas, other guys lack maturity in other areas that Lou doesn't lack. Get it?"
"Yeah, but everything I tell him, he feigns not hearing them"
She just sighed and looked around, Lou got a little bit closer.
"Take your phone out, I gotta write something"
Samuel pulled it out and she wrote on his phone, slowly
"If Lou wasn't my boyfriend, I would've chosen you"
Samuel's heart raced, his knew he was going to be used as a tool, but his body told him to reply.
"That's nice"
"The moment I saw you, I fell in love with you"
It seemed like a soap opera, probably from all the ones she watches. His danger sense told him 'don't-don't-don't', and he wouldn't listen.
"I like you too" - he'd never said a bigger lie.
He handed her his phone, they gazed into each others eyes, and then he took it back, he let his impulse run him
"Would you be my girlfriend?"
"Yes"
He felt red, sick, and fearful, he felt he was going to take on a giant for a prize he didn't really want, but he went on with willpower and stupidity, as we all do when we make our choices. The deed was starting, he felt a weight on his chest, and a feeling of wanting to vomit.
"Lou, come over here, I gotta tell you something."
Lou came around dragging his feet, and sat beside him with force.
"Sometimes, we people begin love, both people love each other, and then it becomes a one-sided romance. Why? Because love dies too, like a plant. Some plants are annual, others are perennial."
"Yeah, but I give her gifts, I buy her clothes, food, take her out, and I even got her a two-hundred dollar ring I still haven't given her"
"But it's not the big gifts that count- but also the tiny ones like the icecream around the corner- you know, small details."
"I give her all of that, I always do,"- and with that Lou went mumbling and his voice had begun to turn shakey.
"You just have to tell me if you understand- yes or no?"
A long pause came by. Samuel pat Lou's back, knowing full well of his betrayal, he knew everything he was doing was wrong.
Yanitza had appeared just as much as she'd dissapeared, but she'd heard everything. She got on her knees right in front of Lou, I can't forget that moment, it made me think of a sex scene. She looked like she was going to apologize, but instead she started frying him-
"Lou, you never- ever listen to me, you're always with the damn phone, and always -"
"But I changed, baby, I changed"
"No you don't- you never do"
"I gave my phone to my sister for three weeks, I told her to not give it back to me and she didn't,-"
The church choir sang and drowned them too much for Samuel to hear. She stormed away, and he was left alone again with Lou.
Lou glared his eyes onto him, he didn't feel his crimson go back to white, but instead felt a rush to finish what he started.
"I want to ask you two questions."
"Sure, ask me anything"- Samuel replied trying to keep a gentle tone.
"Do you like Yani?"
"I find her pretty, otherwise you wouldn't've been with her, but no."
Lou looked him straight to the eye, something ever rare of him - his pupils large enveloped with a glistening green iris which rested upon his tear reddened eyes.
"One more thing, and I don't want you to think bad of me"
"I wont"
"Do you want to be Yanitza's boyfriend?"
"No, I don't."
He felt his heart tainted a dark black, he felt so many voices going through his head, all the good advice he'd been given was going down the drain, and it mattered nothing anymore, for all he was caring was for the insult.
He passed his hand on Lou's shoulder, he felt a new man inside himself, one with no emotion at all, and he sent the final blow, for an idea hit him- he would plant an idea, and ideas are dangerous things.
"Lou, I know you, and you're a good person, you remind me of my friend. Wanna know what happened to my friend? He cut his arm, he slit his veins one day, and it was all over. I see my friend in you, and that's why I got close to you."
"That's what I want to do somedays, I put my gun on my head, I wish I could pull the trigger, but I don't"
Samuels head spinned, 'gun' - a retarded man with a gun, he felt dread at that moment, what if he came over to his house? They lived nearby, why couldn't he? He benefitted in two ways but fell in one - first is that he now knew that Lou had a gun, and then that Lou had been considering suicide, but - a man willing to kill himself normally kills others with him, and he could do that too.
Kids and old men showed the birth of Jesus Christ- the newborn was held in virgin Mary's arm, or an empty towel rather.
The music played and the people sang - Lou got up and went to chase after Yanitza again.
Samuel rested besides a wooden truss and his head started spinning. People often say "If only I had known better, I wouln't have done that", but he knew now- that ain't true - even if we knew what was about to happen, we would continue anyway- disregarding the consequences. We only learn by hitting our faces against the wall.
1
It was a tad difficult for me to understand what was going on, but I think I got the gist of it. Essentially, Samuel is caught in the middle between Yanitza and Lou who are having relationship problems, and it all unfolds at a church. Is that right?
It's difficult for me to bring myself to care about any of the characters. I just don't feel that much of a connection to them. There are a lot of grammar issues as well though nothing that hampers the readability of the story.
It's difficult for me to bring myself to care about any of the characters. I just don't feel that much of a connection to them. There are a lot of grammar issues as well though nothing that hampers the readability of the story.
1
First thing I'm going to say is that your English needs to be improved. It'd be rude of me if I were to spill out "Your English sucks" but you definitely need to work a lot more on it, in particular your grammar, sentences' structures (make them more cohesive and easier to read) and your vocabulary.
I didn't feel the impact of the story. It's basically a girl having a fight with her boyfriend then she decided to cheat on him. I don't feel anything in the story building up to the moral lesson you included in the end. If it wasn't for that sentence, I wouldn't understand what the moral was about. I also don't get why did the story take place in a church, at Christmas. Is it supposed to have an impact on the story? I would guess it's the meaning of the holiday and the church that would make the story that much more wrong, but again, you didn't deliver.
The characters didn't seem to have any relations to each others at all, particularly the relations between Samuel and the other two. You described 'Samuel - a new kid from the Christian youth group, in his aging eighteens, he had come out of curiosity, curiosity should be considered a sin.' This part was all that talk about the origin of this characters, and it didn't give us any information about how he knows Lou and Yanitza, because they are so distant in their ages.
For this story and the moral behind it that you originally want to express, I would suggest taking a different approach. If the story explores the story about after Yanitza cheated on Lou with Samuel and tells how badly it turns out to be and depicts Samuel's feelings in the process (because he seems to be the main character here), it would make the message of the story much stronger. The story itself would also be much more captive than just 3 people in a cliché love triangle you would see in every day's TV soap opera.
One more thing it's that I see your way of narrating to be very odd. The story seems to be told in third person perspective, and the narrator is anonymous. However, in some parts, there were instances when this narrator express his feelings about the story. I think it's rather unacceptable to do that. It is only done if the author has or will state clearly who this narrator is, and whether he/she is involved in the story or not. Otherwise, the narrator would only do his job, narrates.
This should help you get a clear idea what my problems were with this entry. However, everybody would improve with time and hard work. Good luck to you in the contest.
I didn't feel the impact of the story. It's basically a girl having a fight with her boyfriend then she decided to cheat on him. I don't feel anything in the story building up to the moral lesson you included in the end. If it wasn't for that sentence, I wouldn't understand what the moral was about. I also don't get why did the story take place in a church, at Christmas. Is it supposed to have an impact on the story? I would guess it's the meaning of the holiday and the church that would make the story that much more wrong, but again, you didn't deliver.
The characters didn't seem to have any relations to each others at all, particularly the relations between Samuel and the other two. You described 'Samuel - a new kid from the Christian youth group, in his aging eighteens, he had come out of curiosity, curiosity should be considered a sin.' This part was all that talk about the origin of this characters, and it didn't give us any information about how he knows Lou and Yanitza, because they are so distant in their ages.
For this story and the moral behind it that you originally want to express, I would suggest taking a different approach. If the story explores the story about after Yanitza cheated on Lou with Samuel and tells how badly it turns out to be and depicts Samuel's feelings in the process (because he seems to be the main character here), it would make the message of the story much stronger. The story itself would also be much more captive than just 3 people in a cliché love triangle you would see in every day's TV soap opera.
One more thing it's that I see your way of narrating to be very odd. The story seems to be told in third person perspective, and the narrator is anonymous. However, in some parts, there were instances when this narrator express his feelings about the story. I think it's rather unacceptable to do that. It is only done if the author has or will state clearly who this narrator is, and whether he/she is involved in the story or not. Otherwise, the narrator would only do his job, narrates.
This should help you get a clear idea what my problems were with this entry. However, everybody would improve with time and hard work. Good luck to you in the contest.
1
read this while back, and although i somehow got entertained by it (since the opening paragraph sounds comedic and it feels like it's written by leonard267) though as for understanding what's going to happen, i don't really get the story.
maybe it's because there's too much showing the story without actually telling me what's happening. i'm with the show and tell thing because i need to be told what's actually happened, clearly, to some extent in order to understand things.
maybe it's because there's too much showing the story without actually telling me what's happening. i'm with the show and tell thing because i need to be told what's actually happened, clearly, to some extent in order to understand things.
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
It was a tad difficult for me to understand what was going on, but I think I got the gist of it. Essentially, Samuel is caught in the middle between Yanitza and Lou who are having relationship problems, and it all unfolds at a church. Is that right?Indeed.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
It's difficult for me to bring myself to care about any of the characters. I just don't feel that much of a connection to them. There are a lot of grammar issues as well though nothing that hampers the readability of the story.It's always told that one must make the audience feel connected to the character, I personally never felt the need to. Not ever.
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
First thing I'm going to say is that your English needs to be improved. It'd be rude of me if I were to spill out "Your English sucks" but you definitely need to work a lot more on it, in particular your grammar, sentences' structures (make them more cohesive and easier to read) and your vocabulary.I agree, I've gone full rusty on it, it probably sounded to you gents like Engrish combined with a rush of writing with no polishing and a quick spellcheck.
The story itself would also be much more captive than just 3 people in a cliché love triangle you would see in every day's TV soap opera.
I'll never know how the soaps are still popular, but people will always keep on watching them. I believe it could be how it tugs on peoples emotions with jelousy, feelings of injustice, and tension with a mix of low quality softcore pornography sex scenes.
One more thing it's that I see your way of narrating to be very odd. The story seems to be told in third person perspective, and the narrator is anonymous. However, in some parts, there were instances when this narrator express his feelings about the story. I think it's rather unacceptable to do that. It is only done if the author has or will state clearly who this narrator is, and whether he/she is involved in the story or not. Otherwise, the narrator would only do his job, narrates.
I don't mind the narration, though I was told before to avoid making the narrator make comments here and there before.
This should help you get a clear idea what my problems were with this entry. However, everybody would improve with time and hard work. Good luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for the review, it was helpful.
high_time wrote...
read this while back, and although i somehow got entertained by it (since the opening paragraph sounds comedic and it feels like it's written by leonard267) though as for understanding what's going to happen, i don't really get the story.maybe it's because there's too much showing the story without actually telling me what's happening. i'm with the show and tell thing because i need to be told what's actually happened, clearly, to some extent in order to understand things.
In other words, I needed more context than content. The first paragraph felt like I would be satirizing and redefining everything until it just went into a story.
Thanks dd, y00han, dawn of dark, and high for taking your time to read n' reply. Wish ya'll good luck as well and I'll see if I sharpen me blade for next season.
1
Shikinokami wrote...
It's always told that one must make the audience feel connected to the character, I personally never felt the need to. Not ever.I can't speak for other people who said it, but here's my reason. If I can't feel connected to the characters the story is following, then why should I care? If the purpose of the story is to relate what happens to these characters I can't bring myself to care about, then why should I read it?
Completely off topic, but who is that in your avatar pics? Is that you?
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Completely off topic, but who is that in your avatar pics? Is that you?Depends if there are cock pics involved.
http://wehasporn.com/teen/13365
http://www.imagefap.com/pictures/4815390/Aubrey-B-%2F-smilechan
Jokes aside, bitch has muh hart.
0
Shikinokami wrote...
I agree, I've gone full rusty on it, it probably sounded to you gents like Engrish combined with a rush of writing with no polishing and a quick spellcheck.Don't worry about that. I'm a English learner myself.
I'll never know how the soaps are still popular, but people will always keep on watching them. I believe it could be how it tugs on peoples emotions with jealousy, feelings of injustice, and tension with a mix of low quality softcore pornography sex scenes.
All of that, and much like dd have said, people can relate to the characters in a soap, because they feel they can connect to the characters, you see. Also, soaps can have a lot of episode to cover their stories, while you just got 2000 words for that. That's why I suggested taking a different approach that may deliver the message of the story stronger.
Shikinokami wrote...
Depends if there are cock pics involved.http://wehasporn.com/teen/13365
http://www.imagefap.com/pictures/4815390/Aubrey-B-%2F-smilechan
Jokes aside, bitch has muh hart.
Yeah, that looks awesome. I thought she looks like a dude with that picture of yours though. Is she a unpopular porn actress, or just some random girl?
0
Sorry, but I simply found the story boring. You made a reference to soap opera during your story, it felt like that. Too much useless intrigue, not enough plot. There might be people who enjoys this sort of stuff, but I am not a part of that group.
0
Uhm things went a bit too fast for me to follow. Like first the couple was together. The Samuel guy was new and then he got to know both of them better, Yani amd Samuel got closer she fell in love and wanted to break up with Lou, and Lou was a bit retarded, owned a gun, wanted to do suicide but couldn't and ended up chasing tani or whaat?.. I totally felt the church mood and all but the relationship between the characters got me so confused that I kind of lost track of what was happening.