[Winter Contest Entry 2016] Dungeon Escape
3
Masayoshiii
Gone
The putrid smell of blood and rotting flesh festered throughout the hollow dungeons. There were no people left here—all had been transported elsewhere, away from these decrepit chambers. The crumbling stone walls were no longer fit to secure prisoners, but they did well enough to shelter the bandits that took up residence within. They brought with them a group of women and children, most of which were ridden with diseases or injured and unable to even stand on their own. A pair of men seemed to be having a conversation, so I listened in.
“What should we do with the latest batch of villagers?” inquired a meek voice.
“The men can rape or kill them, I don’t care which. These are loose whores and broken children—they’re worthless on the market,” a booming voice retorted.
“And the corpses?” the meek voice asked.
“Dump them in the river or use them as bait for wolves, just get this garbage out of my sight!” shouted the booming voice.
“Y-yes, boss!” the echoing voice whimpered. The sound of footsteps drew nearer afterward—it seemed like I was caught up in something truly terrifying.
If only I hadn’t overstayed my welcome at that village, these bandits wouldn’t have found me.
I banished these thoughts as the meek bandit turned the corner, revealing his ugly mug. He had warts, boils and scars all over his face, quite fitting for a bandit lackey. He began examining the prisoners one by one.
“This one has a broken leg, huh? Alright, let’s use his limbs as wolf bait,” the ugly, meek-sounding bandit muttered.
The child’s face went pale with terror, and in response to the man drawing his hatchet, he screamed and kicked at the man the best he could, until the hatchet was brought down into his skull. I felt the porridge I ate this morning rise up my throat, but contained my urge to vomit—if he saw that, I would surely be next. As the child’s brains spilled onto the floor, he counted the remaining number of people tied up.
“Fourteen villagers left? This will take too long. Can I call in some of the men to help out, boss?”
“Do whatever gets this trash out of here faster,” the boss bandit commanded in a lower, sharper tone. “Or, do I have to kill you and do it myself?”
“No worries boss, I’m on it! I will get these fools out of here so that you can relax, don’t worry!” the meek bandit answered with a shaky, fearful voice. He turned around and began hacking at the villagers one by one, and the screams of terror pierced my ears as I awaited my inevitable death. Should I pray now? Not that it will help now, as God would surely forsake me.
“Just three left,” the ugly, meek bandit muttered, wearing a craven, exhilarated smile.
As he approached us, I noticed the sharp glare of the woman behind me. I was certainly next. The only two remaining besides myself were a woman and a small child, and there is no way they’d save someone who could possibly fight back for last. However, I was tied up and had no way to fight. The bandit swung his hatchet at me, and I rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding it.
“Why, you—”
“Is there trouble?” the boss bandit inquired, peeking around the corner.
“No, not at all boss! This one decided to roll over and dodge the hatchet, that’s all. He’ll be dead in a moment.”
“Finish quickly, you blundering fool!”
“Of course, boss!”
The meek bandit lifted his hatchet once more, his teeth clenched and his eyes bloodshot. I had to escape—I had to do something. The hatchet came down, but instead of waiting for him to raise it again, I bit into his hand as hard as I could. It tasted disgusting, but I bit through a chunk of his hand as if to eat it, and he screeched in pain.
As the boss bandit got out of his chair, I cut the ropes binding my hands with the edge of the hatchet the meek bandit dropped.
“You moron, why didn’t you bind their feet!?”
As he said this, I picked up the hatched and pointed it at the bandit boss, who grinned, looking at something behind me. I was definitely not out of the water. I wildly swung the hatched as I turned around, and it sunk into the side of another bandit’s head, who dropped the sword he was holding.
The bandit boss began charging me, so I grabbed the sword. However, he slapped it out of my hands and pointed his own sword at my throat. However, at that moment another man burst into the room, covered in sweat and looking pale.
“Boss, a woman and child escaped the tower!”
“What? Bring them back, moron!”
“We can’t find them, though!”
The bandit boss looked down at me with a murderous glare.
“This is all YOUR fault.”
The bandit leader kicked me in the head, after which I could no longer see.
***
Splash.
I awoke while breathing heavily and drenched in cold water. The area was dimly lit, but I could barely see.
“You must have thought you were clever, huh? We lost a good fortress and many men because of you.”
I smirked a bit, realizing how fucked I was. No matter what I tried, I would just be recaptured by this man and thrown into a different dungeon.
“Yeah, I sure showed you.”
“Well, because of your little stunt, our base got overrun by soldiers the next morning. You will pay dearly for what happened to my family.”
“Yet, you refuse to pay for all the families you killed?”
The bandit leader laughed obnoxiously, even going so far as to slap his knee to emphasize how funny he found the question.
“You’re a real firebrand, a lot better than my petty men, for sure. Since you let a woman get away, you can be the men’s plaything for a night, and then you work me. Are we clear?”
I spat on the face of this vile man and smiled.
“I’d rather be covered in salt and burned to death!”
The bandit leader’s smile disappeared.
“Your pride will be the death of you, that’s too bad,”
Then, the bandit leader knocked me out again, or at least I thought that was what happened.
Later, I awoke in another unfamiliar place, with columns of candles lit by blue flames.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in hell. This is where your actions have led you,”
I looked up to see the visage behind the voice, but there was only a floating, black ball.
“Are you God?”
“I am called by many things—Death, The Devil, God, The Reaper, Time, Fate, and Eternity are some of the more common ones,”
I laughed, realizing only now, after death, how foolish I truly was.
“So god isn’t real, after all?”
“Are you referring to the God presumed to rule over a place known as †˜heaven’? Such a place does not exist. Though I called this †˜hell’, it was merely to help you understand that you are dead.”
I nodded, sitting down and crossing my legs.
“Then, where am I?”
“A consciousness space. It exists within your brain, but it will disappear when your brain completely stops functioning. All outside signals to the brain have been cut, to prevent you from going into complete shock.”
“So, then, my body is actually killing itself, despite wanting to live?”
“If that is how you wish to understand it, then yes. I cannot tell you more, for all of this information is information that you already possessed. Also, this place is going to disappear soon.”
“So, I’m going to die, after all?”
“Yes, you are. Make your peace.”
As these words echoed on, the darkness consumed the space around me. Even though I was dying, for some reason, I felt at ease. Was this truly the end? If all of the information I learned was stuff that I already knew, then the possibility of an afterlife wasn’t zero. Of course, I didn’t believe that for even a moment. I was truly going to die, and my one shot at life was over.
If God existed, then he was truly cruel.
If not, it was just as I expected all along.
“What should we do with the latest batch of villagers?” inquired a meek voice.
“The men can rape or kill them, I don’t care which. These are loose whores and broken children—they’re worthless on the market,” a booming voice retorted.
“And the corpses?” the meek voice asked.
“Dump them in the river or use them as bait for wolves, just get this garbage out of my sight!” shouted the booming voice.
“Y-yes, boss!” the echoing voice whimpered. The sound of footsteps drew nearer afterward—it seemed like I was caught up in something truly terrifying.
If only I hadn’t overstayed my welcome at that village, these bandits wouldn’t have found me.
I banished these thoughts as the meek bandit turned the corner, revealing his ugly mug. He had warts, boils and scars all over his face, quite fitting for a bandit lackey. He began examining the prisoners one by one.
“This one has a broken leg, huh? Alright, let’s use his limbs as wolf bait,” the ugly, meek-sounding bandit muttered.
The child’s face went pale with terror, and in response to the man drawing his hatchet, he screamed and kicked at the man the best he could, until the hatchet was brought down into his skull. I felt the porridge I ate this morning rise up my throat, but contained my urge to vomit—if he saw that, I would surely be next. As the child’s brains spilled onto the floor, he counted the remaining number of people tied up.
“Fourteen villagers left? This will take too long. Can I call in some of the men to help out, boss?”
“Do whatever gets this trash out of here faster,” the boss bandit commanded in a lower, sharper tone. “Or, do I have to kill you and do it myself?”
“No worries boss, I’m on it! I will get these fools out of here so that you can relax, don’t worry!” the meek bandit answered with a shaky, fearful voice. He turned around and began hacking at the villagers one by one, and the screams of terror pierced my ears as I awaited my inevitable death. Should I pray now? Not that it will help now, as God would surely forsake me.
“Just three left,” the ugly, meek bandit muttered, wearing a craven, exhilarated smile.
As he approached us, I noticed the sharp glare of the woman behind me. I was certainly next. The only two remaining besides myself were a woman and a small child, and there is no way they’d save someone who could possibly fight back for last. However, I was tied up and had no way to fight. The bandit swung his hatchet at me, and I rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding it.
“Why, you—”
“Is there trouble?” the boss bandit inquired, peeking around the corner.
“No, not at all boss! This one decided to roll over and dodge the hatchet, that’s all. He’ll be dead in a moment.”
“Finish quickly, you blundering fool!”
“Of course, boss!”
The meek bandit lifted his hatchet once more, his teeth clenched and his eyes bloodshot. I had to escape—I had to do something. The hatchet came down, but instead of waiting for him to raise it again, I bit into his hand as hard as I could. It tasted disgusting, but I bit through a chunk of his hand as if to eat it, and he screeched in pain.
As the boss bandit got out of his chair, I cut the ropes binding my hands with the edge of the hatchet the meek bandit dropped.
“You moron, why didn’t you bind their feet!?”
As he said this, I picked up the hatched and pointed it at the bandit boss, who grinned, looking at something behind me. I was definitely not out of the water. I wildly swung the hatched as I turned around, and it sunk into the side of another bandit’s head, who dropped the sword he was holding.
The bandit boss began charging me, so I grabbed the sword. However, he slapped it out of my hands and pointed his own sword at my throat. However, at that moment another man burst into the room, covered in sweat and looking pale.
“Boss, a woman and child escaped the tower!”
“What? Bring them back, moron!”
“We can’t find them, though!”
The bandit boss looked down at me with a murderous glare.
“This is all YOUR fault.”
The bandit leader kicked me in the head, after which I could no longer see.
***
Splash.
I awoke while breathing heavily and drenched in cold water. The area was dimly lit, but I could barely see.
“You must have thought you were clever, huh? We lost a good fortress and many men because of you.”
I smirked a bit, realizing how fucked I was. No matter what I tried, I would just be recaptured by this man and thrown into a different dungeon.
“Yeah, I sure showed you.”
“Well, because of your little stunt, our base got overrun by soldiers the next morning. You will pay dearly for what happened to my family.”
“Yet, you refuse to pay for all the families you killed?”
The bandit leader laughed obnoxiously, even going so far as to slap his knee to emphasize how funny he found the question.
“You’re a real firebrand, a lot better than my petty men, for sure. Since you let a woman get away, you can be the men’s plaything for a night, and then you work me. Are we clear?”
I spat on the face of this vile man and smiled.
“I’d rather be covered in salt and burned to death!”
The bandit leader’s smile disappeared.
“Your pride will be the death of you, that’s too bad,”
Then, the bandit leader knocked me out again, or at least I thought that was what happened.
Later, I awoke in another unfamiliar place, with columns of candles lit by blue flames.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in hell. This is where your actions have led you,”
I looked up to see the visage behind the voice, but there was only a floating, black ball.
“Are you God?”
“I am called by many things—Death, The Devil, God, The Reaper, Time, Fate, and Eternity are some of the more common ones,”
I laughed, realizing only now, after death, how foolish I truly was.
“So god isn’t real, after all?”
“Are you referring to the God presumed to rule over a place known as †˜heaven’? Such a place does not exist. Though I called this †˜hell’, it was merely to help you understand that you are dead.”
I nodded, sitting down and crossing my legs.
“Then, where am I?”
“A consciousness space. It exists within your brain, but it will disappear when your brain completely stops functioning. All outside signals to the brain have been cut, to prevent you from going into complete shock.”
“So, then, my body is actually killing itself, despite wanting to live?”
“If that is how you wish to understand it, then yes. I cannot tell you more, for all of this information is information that you already possessed. Also, this place is going to disappear soon.”
“So, I’m going to die, after all?”
“Yes, you are. Make your peace.”
As these words echoed on, the darkness consumed the space around me. Even though I was dying, for some reason, I felt at ease. Was this truly the end? If all of the information I learned was stuff that I already knew, then the possibility of an afterlife wasn’t zero. Of course, I didn’t believe that for even a moment. I was truly going to die, and my one shot at life was over.
If God existed, then he was truly cruel.
If not, it was just as I expected all along.
1
I'm no master of storytelling myself, but I will say one thing: You're being far too harsh on yourself. Try to relax a bit, your story is not the worst of the five (in my humble opinion) although it is far from the best.
I would bother to point out the flaws, but you basically already did, so it almost defeats the purpose of posting those here. PM me again if you want me to post the flaws in a more detailed review.
I would bother to point out the flaws, but you basically already did, so it almost defeats the purpose of posting those here. PM me again if you want me to post the flaws in a more detailed review.
1
“Dump them in the river or use them as bait for wolves, just get this garbage out of my sight!” shouted the booming voice.
Unnecessary, delete.
I'm having a hard time believing them killing the people to use them as wolf bait. It just doesn't seem realistic. It feels like it's there for the sake of trying to shock me.
“Do whatever gets this trash out of here faster,” the boss bandit commanded in a lower, sharper tone. “Or, do I have to kill you and do it myself?”
How does that solve anything? Is this bandit leader an idiot or just a cruel asshole who likes doing work himself?
I will get these fools out of here so that you can relax, don’t worry!”
Why does the bandit leader even need them dealt with in order to relax? He doesn't seem to care what happens to them at all.
“Just three left,” the ugly, meek bandit muttered, wearing a craven, exhilarated smile.
You're overusing adjectives in my opinion. It starts to sounds a little ridiculous when a bunch of words each have two words describing them.
and there is no way they’d save someone who could possibly fight back for last. However, I was tied up and had no way to fight.
This line of thought needs work.
“No, not at all boss! This one decided to roll over and dodge the hatchet, that’s all. He’ll be dead in a moment.”
Why would he tell his boss what actually happened?
he hatchet came down, but instead of waiting for him to raise it again, I bit into his hand as hard as I could.
I'm having trouble visualizing this. Does the narrator catch his hand with his mouth when he swings the hatchet down?
I wildly swung the hatched as I turned around, and it sunk into the side of another bandit’s head, who dropped the sword he was holding.
You could do more to set up the setting. Up until this point, I had imagined the narrator with his back to a wall. That doesn't work anymore if another bandit is able to sneak up on him from behind.
“This is all YOUR fault.”
This guy's obviously an asshole, but the way this goes down gives me the vibe that he's being serious.
I think both conversations at the end need work. The one at the end just feels really out of place to me.
Not completely terrible as you think, but it definitely needs work. Keep at it.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I was expecting a silly twist in that story rather than something straightforward like being caught by bandits and burnt alive. Is there anything I am missing over here?
Possible twists I had in my mind was about our hero's gender, the encounter taking place in ant's nest invaded by fire ants, something ludicrous like me in the form of Mr. Death God complaining about your entry ending with the main character dying again, or cutting to you burning a manuscript of your story, alluding to our hero being burnt alive.
I know time is very limited and you didn't write as long a story as you would have liked but I think you should taken the opportunity to come with something witty considering the length of the story.
Possible twists I had in my mind was about our hero's gender, the encounter taking place in ant's nest invaded by fire ants, something ludicrous like me in the form of Mr. Death God complaining about your entry ending with the main character dying again, or cutting to you burning a manuscript of your story, alluding to our hero being burnt alive.
I know time is very limited and you didn't write as long a story as you would have liked but I think you should taken the opportunity to come with something witty considering the length of the story.
1
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
The pacing on this story is fast, and I mean real fast. Clocking in at under 1500 words, and still managing to throw in essentially 3 scenes is tough. Personally, while I think the idea is fine, I think you could do a lot to improve it. And with a 5000 word limit, I definitely think that there was room to grow the story.
First, setting. It's not too well fleshed out at any point in time. At best, I can picture an abandoned stone prison that is set in like... medieval times. But even this basic idea isn't very clear. It's possible that you want to keep the reader in the dark, or even leave details like this completely out to drive home another idea. I'm a fan of that - sacrificing some parts so that other parts are stronger, but I'm not sure you are taking that approach either.
We know very little about what he's done to get captured, in fact we know very little about the character himself. As it stands, the guy is a cheeky smartass that is just trying to survive. It's very hard to get attached to him at all. Also, I find the sequence of events a little odd. Somehow, the woman and child manage to escape AND alert soldiers. Like damn, these bandits are really incompetent, and some soldiers had to be like miraculously been on the road nearby. Lastly, I find the ending to be rushed. The confrontation between the MC and the god is short lived and answers little questions. The character is eerily calm, simply accepting his fate. I had expected the ending conversation to be the true start of the story. there is a lot to be said and can be said with what was especially an inner monologue. In that space you were able to do anything you wanted for the MC in terms of fleshing out his character, but basically nothing happened. It just ends, and he dies with the reader gaining no extra insight into him.
The saving grace of this story is pretty good; it's good enough that I keep reading because I find that it is sensible save for the end where I think he's too calm and it's over all too fast. Especially between he bandit leader and the MC. Despite the absolutely barebones narrative and description, the rough dialogue that the leader has helps flesh his character surprisingly well.
I didn't mean to come off too hard. I did enjoy it, but I'm critical because I think - or rather I know - that you can produce something stronger. I have faith in you. The people who voted for you is a testament that some have enjoyed your work. You've certainly gotten better, but I'm sure there's plenty of room for improvement.
First, setting. It's not too well fleshed out at any point in time. At best, I can picture an abandoned stone prison that is set in like... medieval times. But even this basic idea isn't very clear. It's possible that you want to keep the reader in the dark, or even leave details like this completely out to drive home another idea. I'm a fan of that - sacrificing some parts so that other parts are stronger, but I'm not sure you are taking that approach either.
We know very little about what he's done to get captured, in fact we know very little about the character himself. As it stands, the guy is a cheeky smartass that is just trying to survive. It's very hard to get attached to him at all. Also, I find the sequence of events a little odd. Somehow, the woman and child manage to escape AND alert soldiers. Like damn, these bandits are really incompetent, and some soldiers had to be like miraculously been on the road nearby. Lastly, I find the ending to be rushed. The confrontation between the MC and the god is short lived and answers little questions. The character is eerily calm, simply accepting his fate. I had expected the ending conversation to be the true start of the story. there is a lot to be said and can be said with what was especially an inner monologue. In that space you were able to do anything you wanted for the MC in terms of fleshing out his character, but basically nothing happened. It just ends, and he dies with the reader gaining no extra insight into him.
The saving grace of this story is pretty good; it's good enough that I keep reading because I find that it is sensible save for the end where I think he's too calm and it's over all too fast. Especially between he bandit leader and the MC. Despite the absolutely barebones narrative and description, the rough dialogue that the leader has helps flesh his character surprisingly well.
I didn't mean to come off too hard. I did enjoy it, but I'm critical because I think - or rather I know - that you can produce something stronger. I have faith in you. The people who voted for you is a testament that some have enjoyed your work. You've certainly gotten better, but I'm sure there's plenty of room for improvement.
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
Prose: Read more, analyze more, understand more. There are many awkward expressions, and there is nothing I can say that will be a quick fix for this. Your writing style needs to evolve. Too fast paced, not enough description, (and it should be engaging description at that.)
Content: Not very realistic for a large variety of reasons. The dialogue/script is too rushed and feels like it was cheaply tacked together simply to advance the plot. The plot elements themself do not particularly form a coherent story. Notice how short your paragraphs of description are compared to some of the other entries. Some of your previous works were too descriptive, this one is not descriptive enoguh (though both share the common factor that the description is rather bland and does not flow very well).
Content: Not very realistic for a large variety of reasons. The dialogue/script is too rushed and feels like it was cheaply tacked together simply to advance the plot. The plot elements themself do not particularly form a coherent story. Notice how short your paragraphs of description are compared to some of the other entries. Some of your previous works were too descriptive, this one is not descriptive enoguh (though both share the common factor that the description is rather bland and does not flow very well).