[Winter Writing Contest 2018] The start of an adventure
3
Note This is a novel I have started to write this is just a portion of it
As the sun shone through the window it hitting my face, I awoke to the smell of a mixture of the kitchen from the inn and the forge. It was another cold morning and it didn't help that I had a hang over from drinking the night before. As I got out of bed my hand fell upon something incredibly soft and bouncy, and as I turned to see what it was I found that my hand was on the ample chest of some naked woman in my bed. As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious woman woke up saw my hand on her breast she just smiled, and it all went black. I then woke up to the same woman but now dressed in armor her bosom barley held by her chest plate. As my eyes eyes adjusted to the light I noticed that she had cat ears and a tail which was swaying from side to side. I then notice her hair was a bright crimson red like the color of blood. As she spoke her voice sounded like it could have been from a angel though if that angel had the mouth of a sailor. She told me that her name was Rama and that she was on a mission to find the hero that would save her village from a group of bandits that had moved into the area. She was told by the inn keeper that I was the best swordsman in the city. She also was told that I would do anything for the right price. Which both were true though what she didn’t know is that I don’t work for women especially ones with large breasts cause they have caused me nothing but trouble. I asked the name of the bandit troop and she said “The Purple Dragons” I remembered that name because the leader had a bounty on his head for 10,000 gold pieces. I also knew that he was ruthless and would capture and ransom people and when he got the money would kill whole families. The only problem was no-one knew what he looked like since he used magic to change the way he looked constantly. I said to Rama that the price would not be cheap to do the job. She then reached into a bag with one hand that was next to her from the look of it was some sort of dragon hide which was very rare since the dragons were said to have died out centuries ago. She then pulled out a large sack and handed it to me and I grabbed it and as soon as she let go me and the bag quickly hit the floor. I wondered what in the bag that could make it this heavy so I opened it I saw a plethora of raw gems that worth could not be measured. The next thing I wondered was she must be incredibly strong to hold that with one hand. As soon as I looked up to see her I could see that she was trying to hold in her laughter, but she could not hold it in and started laughing that she nearly blew out my ear drums. As I waited for her to stop I thought to myself how did I get myself involved with such a woman. As soon as she stopped she said that she thought at least most talented swordsman in the would be at least able to lift a bag of rocks. I got mad at that statement and told her that I could defeat the Purple Dragons by myself and she wouldn't be needed. At that point her ears shot up and her tail stopped waving side to side she then gave a smile so sinister it looked like a dragon’s. She then said prove it, and quickly jumped from the chair which she occupied in a flash. But I was awake now and quickly went for my sword at the end of my bed and drew it as fast as lightning and the pointed the tip at her heart just as got within range. She stopped just before my blade would have pierced her chest plate. She then smiled again and gave a quick chuckle and said “ I approve”. She then gingerly walked back to her chair sat down and said in a very matter a fact tone “ well when do we go”. I thought to myself I am going to deal with such an annoying person? But at least she is a good fighter. So I replied as soon as I'm able to get the necessary supplies and weapons. She asked how long that would take, I replied at least a day. She said that she would stay with me till we got to her village which was near the edge of the kingdom which alone would take several weeks to get to if we were lucky. But I accepted the money so I had to do the job, so I grabbed my sword and put on my clothes opened my door to another adventure.
As the sun shone through the window it hitting my face, I awoke to the smell of a mixture of the kitchen from the inn and the forge. It was another cold morning and it didn't help that I had a hang over from drinking the night before. As I got out of bed my hand fell upon something incredibly soft and bouncy, and as I turned to see what it was I found that my hand was on the ample chest of some naked woman in my bed. As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious woman woke up saw my hand on her breast she just smiled, and it all went black. I then woke up to the same woman but now dressed in armor her bosom barley held by her chest plate. As my eyes eyes adjusted to the light I noticed that she had cat ears and a tail which was swaying from side to side. I then notice her hair was a bright crimson red like the color of blood. As she spoke her voice sounded like it could have been from a angel though if that angel had the mouth of a sailor. She told me that her name was Rama and that she was on a mission to find the hero that would save her village from a group of bandits that had moved into the area. She was told by the inn keeper that I was the best swordsman in the city. She also was told that I would do anything for the right price. Which both were true though what she didn’t know is that I don’t work for women especially ones with large breasts cause they have caused me nothing but trouble. I asked the name of the bandit troop and she said “The Purple Dragons” I remembered that name because the leader had a bounty on his head for 10,000 gold pieces. I also knew that he was ruthless and would capture and ransom people and when he got the money would kill whole families. The only problem was no-one knew what he looked like since he used magic to change the way he looked constantly. I said to Rama that the price would not be cheap to do the job. She then reached into a bag with one hand that was next to her from the look of it was some sort of dragon hide which was very rare since the dragons were said to have died out centuries ago. She then pulled out a large sack and handed it to me and I grabbed it and as soon as she let go me and the bag quickly hit the floor. I wondered what in the bag that could make it this heavy so I opened it I saw a plethora of raw gems that worth could not be measured. The next thing I wondered was she must be incredibly strong to hold that with one hand. As soon as I looked up to see her I could see that she was trying to hold in her laughter, but she could not hold it in and started laughing that she nearly blew out my ear drums. As I waited for her to stop I thought to myself how did I get myself involved with such a woman. As soon as she stopped she said that she thought at least most talented swordsman in the would be at least able to lift a bag of rocks. I got mad at that statement and told her that I could defeat the Purple Dragons by myself and she wouldn't be needed. At that point her ears shot up and her tail stopped waving side to side she then gave a smile so sinister it looked like a dragon’s. She then said prove it, and quickly jumped from the chair which she occupied in a flash. But I was awake now and quickly went for my sword at the end of my bed and drew it as fast as lightning and the pointed the tip at her heart just as got within range. She stopped just before my blade would have pierced her chest plate. She then smiled again and gave a quick chuckle and said “ I approve”. She then gingerly walked back to her chair sat down and said in a very matter a fact tone “ well when do we go”. I thought to myself I am going to deal with such an annoying person? But at least she is a good fighter. So I replied as soon as I'm able to get the necessary supplies and weapons. She asked how long that would take, I replied at least a day. She said that she would stay with me till we got to her village which was near the edge of the kingdom which alone would take several weeks to get to if we were lucky. But I accepted the money so I had to do the job, so I grabbed my sword and put on my clothes opened my door to another adventure.
1
waterflame
FAKKUDL.NET
Hello! Maybe I'm just lacking context from your overall story(I wouldn't mind reading more). Hope you don't mind, but I'd like to point out a few things. Hopefully I'm not being rude;;;
> As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious man woke up saw my hand on her breast she just smiled
So assuming we are from the MC(of this POV at least). We are touching some boobs. Then they wake up and her(though described as a man) smiles. Is this an error or was there a third person? So something like: "As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious women woke up and saw my hand on her breast..."
> barley held by by her chest plate
Double word
"she had cat ears and a tail"... and you got me. Also accepted are elf ears and being able to touch their ears even if they go "Dame desu"...
> no-one knew that he looked
what
> since he he used
Double word
> I saw a plethora of raw gems that worth would could not be measured.
Remove would. Though maybe something like "I saw a plethora of raw gems whos worth couldn't be measured."
> her heart just as got within range
Missing word "a she got"
> thought to myself I am going to deal with such an annoying person
Maybe something like "thought to myself, am I going to have to deal with such an annoying person? At least she's a good fighter."
> So I replied as soon as I able to get the necessary supplies and weapons.
I'm
---
I enjoyed it. I might even know a future plot point. Again I apologize if this is seen as rude...
On a side note, thank you feralhosting.github.io for your markdown to bbcode converter.
> As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious man woke up saw my hand on her breast she just smiled
So assuming we are from the MC(of this POV at least). We are touching some boobs. Then they wake up and her(though described as a man) smiles. Is this an error or was there a third person? So something like: "As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious women woke up and saw my hand on her breast..."
> barley held by by her chest plate
Double word
"she had cat ears and a tail"... and you got me. Also accepted are elf ears and being able to touch their ears even if they go "Dame desu"...
> no-one knew that he looked
what
> since he he used
Double word
> I saw a plethora of raw gems that worth would could not be measured.
Remove would. Though maybe something like "I saw a plethora of raw gems whos worth couldn't be measured."
> her heart just as got within range
Missing word "a she got"
> thought to myself I am going to deal with such an annoying person
Maybe something like "thought to myself, am I going to have to deal with such an annoying person? At least she's a good fighter."
> So I replied as soon as I able to get the necessary supplies and weapons.
I'm
---
I enjoyed it. I might even know a future plot point. Again I apologize if this is seen as rude...
On a side note, thank you feralhosting.github.io for your markdown to bbcode converter.
1
This was just a rough draft of something that I decided to start writing I plan on doing more since I am actually writing it as a novel. It has been about ten years since I have done any sort of writing for fun and I am really starting to enjoy it. I did do the edits you suggested.
2
I read this and I feel... it’s a bit predictable and raw? The predictability isn’t bad, but I thought it best to point out. As for what I mean by raw, it could use some more polishing and I have suggestions, but I’ll withhold them until after the contest. As is tradition, haha.
1
The first problem I notice right away is that it's all one big paragraph. It's not very pleasing to the eye, and it's not good for pacing either. It definitely feels rough, but you said it's a rough draft so that's not that big of a deal. Story-wise, the thing that sticks out to me the most is that this bandit is noted to have a big bounty on his head, which I think would be enough to get someone to go after him, but the protagonist wants another payment on top of that. I mean, if he's greedy then there's nothing wrong with that, but I think that part could be handled better.
I'm not sure what happened there either. I think it implies she knocked him out cold, but I can't really tell.
If I'm being honest, it's not my kind of story as far as tone goes, but that's subjective.
I'd say as far as prose goes, it needs a lot of work, but again you pointed out it's a rough draft. It's difficult to judge the overall story though when all I have is a snippet of it.
As many different thoughts run through my head the mysterious woman woke up saw my hand on her breast she just smiled, and it all went black.
I'm not sure what happened there either. I think it implies she knocked him out cold, but I can't really tell.
If I'm being honest, it's not my kind of story as far as tone goes, but that's subjective.
I'd say as far as prose goes, it needs a lot of work, but again you pointed out it's a rough draft. It's difficult to judge the overall story though when all I have is a snippet of it.
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
The story was entertaining to me. The part with the bag kind of reminded me of gag anime, like I was reading an episode of Excel Saga or Slayers. The elements of the world introduce interesting bits of content, but there is the issue that all of this information is given through continuous exposition in, as d said, one giant paragraph. It's not too challenging to follow for me personally, and our control of format is limited on this forum, but I highly recommend splicing what's been written so far into paragraphs and thinking about what you want to accomplish with each one. It doesn't help that some of these sentences run on as well.
I do like the sense of adventure you introduce with the story, but there are inconsistencies and clichés that inhibit it from being taken seriously, such as why this cat girl was even in bed with the main character to begin with. Why would she sleep with him before letting him know all the things she wants him to help her do? That isn't a requirement for her, but it helps make her actions more believable. Does she normally sleep with people that she wants to help her? And the moment where he becomes quick enough to stop her charge, showing how secretly powerful he is. I don't like to discourage people from using characters that can be construed as "Mary Sue," but sleeping with a perceived sexy, exotic, powerful cat woman, and the juxtaposition of being perceived as weak for not being able to hold a heavy sack, to being quick as lightning with a blade to prove his renown—since it's not an actual gag anime, of course—it removes a sense of realism and thus reminds me—the reader—that I'm reading a story with a character that the author might have created as a self-insert, an embodiment of wish-fulfillment. And, you know, I don't really dislike that. Heaven knows I've written stories like this in the past, when I was half the age I am now, and I don't mean that to sound as insulting as it probably does. For that, I apologize, but at the time it definitely was the result of chuunibyou syndrome for me, for certain. I suppose personal experience is what makes it easy to relate to your position. And I'll never dislike it because it can be a crucial stage for helping to build experience and love for writing as you learn more about what it takes to pen down a good story.
Normally I like to report the errors I find in an entry so the author is aware, kind of similar to what waterflame did for you, but I don't think that's important right now. Right now, I think what's most important is that it was fun for you and that you enjoyed the act of writing this. There are plenty of elements to this that radiate that sense of fun. As you learn and read more, you'll pick up on things and become more aware through building good experience. I highly recommend reading the other entries here to help get that sense of comparison. That will help your literary voice to mature and I hope that you continue on your path of writing this novel and exploring that sense of enjoyment.
Thanks for writing this and joining us for this event. Your participation is welcome.
I do like the sense of adventure you introduce with the story, but there are inconsistencies and clichés that inhibit it from being taken seriously, such as why this cat girl was even in bed with the main character to begin with. Why would she sleep with him before letting him know all the things she wants him to help her do? That isn't a requirement for her, but it helps make her actions more believable. Does she normally sleep with people that she wants to help her? And the moment where he becomes quick enough to stop her charge, showing how secretly powerful he is. I don't like to discourage people from using characters that can be construed as "Mary Sue," but sleeping with a perceived sexy, exotic, powerful cat woman, and the juxtaposition of being perceived as weak for not being able to hold a heavy sack, to being quick as lightning with a blade to prove his renown—since it's not an actual gag anime, of course—it removes a sense of realism and thus reminds me—the reader—that I'm reading a story with a character that the author might have created as a self-insert, an embodiment of wish-fulfillment. And, you know, I don't really dislike that. Heaven knows I've written stories like this in the past, when I was half the age I am now, and I don't mean that to sound as insulting as it probably does. For that, I apologize, but at the time it definitely was the result of chuunibyou syndrome for me, for certain. I suppose personal experience is what makes it easy to relate to your position. And I'll never dislike it because it can be a crucial stage for helping to build experience and love for writing as you learn more about what it takes to pen down a good story.
Normally I like to report the errors I find in an entry so the author is aware, kind of similar to what waterflame did for you, but I don't think that's important right now. Right now, I think what's most important is that it was fun for you and that you enjoyed the act of writing this. There are plenty of elements to this that radiate that sense of fun. As you learn and read more, you'll pick up on things and become more aware through building good experience. I highly recommend reading the other entries here to help get that sense of comparison. That will help your literary voice to mature and I hope that you continue on your path of writing this novel and exploring that sense of enjoyment.
Thanks for writing this and joining us for this event. Your participation is welcome.